In People's "What Did They Look Like in High School" issue, most of the celebrities were, like, twenty-one years old. They look no different. "Who would have thought that Friends' Jennifer Aniston was... a pretty girl! You'll flip when you see sixteen-year-old Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a fourteen-year-old!"
-- Tom Kenny

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical catagories. It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck, she's also stupid). As you can see there are very few words with the overall versitility of the word "fuck".

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1)Greetings................"How the fuck are ya?"
2)Fraud...................."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3)Resignation.............."Oh, fuck it!"
4)Trouble.................."I guess I'm fucked now."
5)Aggression..............."FUCK YOU!"
6)Disgust.................."Fuck me."
7)Confusion................"What the fuck...?"
8)Difficulty..............."I don't understand this fucking shit!"
9)Despair.................."Fucked again..."
10)Pleasure................"I couldn't be any fucking happier!"
11)Displeasure............."Fucking shit man..."
12)Lost...................."Where the fuck are we?"
13)Disbelief..............."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14)Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
15)Denial.................."I didn't fucking do it, I swear!"
16)Perplexity.............."I know fuck about it."
17)Apathy.................."Who really gives a fuck anyway?"
18)Suspicion..............."Who the fuck are you?"
19)Panic..................."Let's get the fuck out of here!"
20)Directions.............."Fuck off."
21)Incomprehesion.........."How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be an anatomical description............."He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time....................."Its five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business.............."How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal......................"MOTHERFUCKER!"
It can be political....................."Fuck Newt Gingrich!"

Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
--Mayor of Hiroshima--

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
--General Custer--

"That's not a real fucking gun."
--John Lennon--

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
--Captian of the Titanic--

"Who the fuck's gonna find out?"
--Richard Nixon--

"Heads are going to fucking roll!"
--Anne Boleyn--

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
--Albert Einstein--

"It does so fucking look like her!"
--Picasso--

"How the fuck did I work that out?"
--Pythagoras--

"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
--Michaelangelo--

"Fuck a duck."
--Walt Disney--

"What do you mean why...becuase it's fucking there!"
--Edmund Hilary--

"Don't fucking light that..."
--Joan of Arc--

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
--Noah--

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
--John F. Kennedy--

"Houston...we've got a big fucking problem..."
--Crew of Apollo 13--

Prison Vs. School
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time at a desk that sticks to your butt.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT SCHOOL you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT SCHOOL you get rewarded for good behavior by being called the teachers pet.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT SCHOOL you get locked out of your classroom from the outside.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT SCHOOL you get detention for playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT SCHOOL you have to share and wait your turn on line.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT SCHOOL you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row, and when I go out I only lock every other lock. 'Cause I figure no matter how long somebody stands there, picking the locks, they're always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler

Age and Womanhood
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?

Read this out loud:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

Some Good Ideas
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Tip for the day...
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the mother fucker upside the head...

Words of Wisdom:
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Borrow money from pessimists: they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG NAME______________
1. Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?.
6. Raul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary
--------------------------------------
"Haven't I seen you before?"
== "Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic."
== "I'm poor."
"I need you."
== "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys."
== "I am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment."
== "I'm sick of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
== "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better."
== "So I can tell my friends about it."
"It's just orange juice, try it."
== "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
"She's kinda cute."
== "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
"I don't know if I like her."
== "She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much."
== "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
"Was it good for you?"
== "I'm insecure about my manhood."
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
== "Is my penis really that small?"
"I had a wonderful time last night."
== "Who the hell are you?"
"Do you love me?"
== "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
"Do you 'really' love me?"
== "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
"How much do you love me?"
== "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
"I have something to tell you."
== "Get tested."
"I'll give you a call."
== "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
"I've been thinking a lot."
== "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends."
== "You're ugly."
"I've learned a lot from you."
== "Next!!!!"
"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
== "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

If you think life is bad...How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.