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Aries

aries - you are the defination of worthless. Your life means nothing at all, you were a product oif your fathers stupidity. But don't let that get you down, the stars are looking good for you - you are going to die within the week so cheer up.

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Taurus

taurus - the planets have aligned and formed a straight line that will put your cosmic power at a maximum. oh wait that is just your crabs...but trust me this is your week ! i suggest staying in bed all week because well the second you step outside you will be attacked by a swarm of killer bees, then your eyes will be swollen shut from the hundres of stings and you will fall into a river and you will be carried into the sewage processing plant where you are mistaken for a cluster of shit and you are fed through turbines which will be extremly painful, but at least no one will have to pay for your funeral.

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Gemini

gemini - no one likes you. take a fucking hint christ. I won't even waste my time telling you how worthless you already know you are. Buy a razor let it sit in the rain for a few weeks untill it gets nice and rusty then take it and slit your wrists and do it outside so no one will have to clean up after you, you inconsiderate bastard.

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Cancer

cancer - you are a small step above gemini, the planets are as scattered for you as possiable, Your week will be hell. You are gonna get fired from your job, and on the way home you are going to get hit by a SUV. You won't be wearing your seatbelt so you will fly through the windshield where fragments of glass wil be lodged into your face and then your face will be ripped off by the ground since your hands were behind your back when you flew out the window. tisk tisk. You will die a slow painful death since no one wants to use their cell phone to call 911 for your sorry ass since you aren't worht the 1$ it costs.

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Leo

leo you will wake up to find yourself covered in maggots that have eaten your feet and are eating you inside out, you will die a slow painful death as they eat your organs. You will spit up blood for 5 hours before your death, each time you will choke and vomit will burn your throat untill eventulally you die.

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Virgo

virgo - well i took your cosmic powers and used them to fuck britney spears all night long, since you are worthless. Really buy a gun and shoot yourself in the head.

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Libra

libra - my senses tell me you have had trouble walking letley and you aren't sure why..hum is it maybe that you take it up the ass from your father every night and your ass has ripped and is consistantly bleeding. yep that is why you have that ghetto booty all of a sudden. Yep well all the cum that is hardening in your ass is forming a wall so that shit can't come out. well it looks like your shit is just gonna fill and fill up your body, making you fat as shit. Well that is what you get for taking it up the ass fucking shithead.

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Scorpio

scorpio - all the stars point to you this week, this is your time to shine. But well it looks like you were shining in the way of a speeding 18 wheeler. Dumbass.

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Sagittarius

sagittarius - the stars show negative energy coming from you. It seems like somone took it up the ass a tad hard last night. Well this is the week for you to come out of the closet... well the time was right, but too bad some of those neo nazi skinheads heard.. looks like you are getting shot then dragged behind a pickup truck. They get arrested and spend a month in jail since they knew the judge.

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Capricorn

capricorn - you go to church, you don't drink or smoke. You have a great job life is really going good for you. You lucked out this week the stars passed you over, you better thanks those stars, next week your ass is dead.

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Aquarius

aquarius - well take that cruise this summer it's great, good food, nice rooms, the works. Bring a life jacket, it's gonna sink and then you will be left in shark infested waters for days becuase the radio opperators were drunk.

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Pisces

pisces - i'm not going to write you a horoscope because well i think you should die. I hate you with every ounce of my body asshole.

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