To the tune of "King of Spain" by Moxy Früvous:

Once I was a bald 'net geek (Now I am a god on-line)
With my wacky friend, David Nielsen (Now I am a god on-line)
I'm telling you I was a bald 'net geek (Now I am a god on-line)
Now my fans think I'm the real one.

1, 2, 3, 4!

Internet? You ain't seen nothing yet,
'Till you've seen Tina the Troubled Teenager,
Your very own virtual pet.
Or played Roshambo with a person from Monaco,
Given an "F" to that Scrappy Doo, or
Honored Lord Wheaty and Lady Cheerio.

Once I was a bald 'net geek (Now I am a god on-line)
Some people said that Ed's World was just awful (Now I am a god on-line)
I'm telling you I was a bald 'net geek (Now I am a god on-line)
And now I'm rating the pollywaffle. (Once he was a bald 'net geek)

I can't wait, there's more snacks here to rate.
People say, "Lore, how are you such a genius?"
"I love 'Hog Meat Tact Call'" "'Is That Ham' is great!"
It's plain to see, a bald scalp looks good on me,
Now that I know they all love me,
All I can say is just "Weird. Eerie."

Once I was a bald 'net geek (Now I am a god on-line)
I checked on my Ödiac, knew what was in store (Now I am a god on-line)
I'm telling you I was a bald 'net geek (Now I am a god on-line)
I wonder why people don't say "OZZY RULES!" more. (Once he was a bald 'net geek)

Ladies and gentlemen, I intruduce to you the Brunching UBB Orchestra!
Dave Wheaty, pixel, Bombadil, Toon, spatch, and others scat for a while

Now some of you might be wondering how I came to be rating cereals when I was just a schmuck like you. Should I tell them, guys?
(Tell us, Lore!)

You see, late one night, when the SMC was asleep,
Out from my Hello Kitty blankets and onto the web I did creep.
And I'd wait 'till inspiration struck and I wrote up some Yodified Perl,
At which point you all log on and hit "submit" and there's quotes for each good boy and girl. (gasp)

Odin and Freyja, Bill Gates would say "yeah," Good or Bad results show us the way, yeah,
Under my own volition, I wrote some stuff 'bout a Xibbon.
So when you wait for the page to update,
Remember, slower humor's more luscious,
A Shuttlecock never rushes!

Once I was a bald 'net geek (Now I am a god on-line)
Couldn't see Kangaroos when they were matin' (Now I am a god on-line)
I'm telling you I was a bald 'net geek (Now I am a god on-line)
And now I'm taking advice from Satan. (Once he was a bald 'net geek)

Sorry if your favorite feature, toy, or rating didn't make it on. It ... uh ... didn't rhyme with anything. yeah, that's it.

Contact the campaign manager at sdanielson@mail.colgate.edu

All material © 2000 by Eemeet Meeker Online Enterprises, except the stuff we stole from other people as indicated in the credits.