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return home
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
* We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
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Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do
not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off
of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise.
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to
big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no,
in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when
it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do
this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is: early.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but
her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup,
a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the
oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where
there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where
the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God
of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance
to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your
car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my
Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways
you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at
the window is mine.
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- Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
- A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he hasn’t realized it yet.
- Airhead (er*hed) n.
- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
- Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced
- the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he “made the
- dinner.”
- Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
- Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
- Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
- Gotta get married in a church.
- Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
- An appliance designed to eat socks.
- Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
- Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
- The last two minutes of a football game.
- Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
- Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
- What you spend 1/2 an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.
- Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
- Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
- Similar to a black hole in space — if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
- Childbirth (child*brth) n.
- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,...breathe...push...”
- Lipstick (lip*stik) n
- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
- Park (park) v./n.
- Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
- Patience (pa*shens) n.
- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
- Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
- Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
- A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance,
but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
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EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
...one old love she can imagine going back to...and one who reminds her how far she has come
...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own...
even if she never wants to or needs to...
...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
...a youth she’s content to leave behind...
...a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
...the realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it...
...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel
honored...
...a resume that is not even the slightest bit padded...
...a feeling of control over her destiny...
... a skin care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of
life that don’t get better after 30...
... a solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of
life that do get better after 30...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...how to fall in love without losing herself...
...how she feels about having kids...
...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
...when to try harder... and when to walk away...
...how to have a good time at a party she’d never choose to attend...
...how to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she’ll get it...
...that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
...that her childhood may not have been perfect... but it’s over...
...what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more...
...how to live alone... even if she doesn’t like it...
...whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally...
...where to go... be it to her best friend’s kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
...what she can and can’t accomplish in a day.. a month... and a year...
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- You! Off my planet!!
- Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
- I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2?
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
- Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
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In The Beginning,
God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said,
"Let there be light"
And there was light.
And God said,
"Let the earth bring forth grass,
The herb yielding seed,
And the fruit tree yielding fruit,"
And God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said,
"There goes the neighborhood."
And God said,
"Let us make Man in our image,
After our likeness,
And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
And over the fowl of the air
And over the cattle,
And over all the Earth,
And over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said,
"I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth
The 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"
And Man said,
"Super size them."
And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt,
That woman might keep her figure
That man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said,
"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil
To change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said,
"You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink
Twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And God created the life giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
"Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counselor.
And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth
And took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-watchers.
It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent.
And the exercise machine went to dwell
In the closet of Nod east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time,
Woman received the exercise machine from Man
In the property settlement.
It didn't help her, either.
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I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.
Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off. For starters, the vast majority of men don’t
even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some
kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call
other errant men and plan for a last minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets,
and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic
and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were
a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia
Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer
because they would all be dead, gutted, strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide
eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on
the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he’d still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and
then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila
like Santa would stop to inspect and re-point the bricks in the flue. He would also need to check
for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is
crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90 degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
-
Men can’t pack a bag.
-
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
-
Men don’t answer their mail.
-
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything
remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.”
-
Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
-
Having to do the “Ho, Ho, Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
-
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a
year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle
Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance!
But as long as we have each other, peace on earth, good will, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of
“The Christmas Song,” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she’d quit
dressing like a guy!
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The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure.
It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the
costs yourselves.
Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives.
For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought
they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, Why
the difference in price between male brains and female brains?
“A standard pricing practice,” said the head of the team. “Women’s brains have to be marked down
because the brains have actually been used.
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"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,'
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your
birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will
bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty
soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that
you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me and
realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated:* "Oh, p-lease don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
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NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of
them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and
a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. This
will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals, and if he has to for work.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.
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T’was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I’ve been here for hours, I can’t stop to rest.
This room’s a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I’ve got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There’s a knock at the door and the telephones ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I’ve had all I can stand, I can’t take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles “The eggnog is ready!”
He looks all around and with total regret,
says “What’s taking so long....aren’t you through in here yet ??”
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life !
He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE !!”
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit it’s the pies !! They’re burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I’d rather be dead.
Lord, don’t get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won’t find me pulling my hair out in here.
I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn’t work,
I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
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An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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Remember when:
You were born a daughter.
you looked up to your mother.
you looked up to your father.
you looked up to everyone.
you wanted to be a princess.
you wanted to own a horse.
you wanted your brother to be a horse.
you wanted to wear pink.
you never wanted to wear pink.
you wanted to be a veterinarian.
you wanted to be president.
you wanted to be the president’s veterinarian.
you were picked last for the team.
you were the best one on the team.
you refused to be on the team.
you wanted to do well in algebra.
you hid during algebra.
you wanted boys to notice you.
you were afraid the boys would notice you.
you started to get acne.
you started to get breasts.
you started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.
you wouldn’t wear a bra.
you couldn’t wait to wear a bra.
you couldn’t fit into a bra.
you didn’t like the way you looked.
you didn’t like the way your parents looked.
you didn’t want to grow up.
you had your first best friend.
you had your first date.
you spent hours on the telephone.
you got kissed.
you got to kiss back.
you didn’t go to the prom.
you went to the prom with the wrong person.
you spent hours on the telephone.
you fell in love.
you fell in love.
you fell in love.
you lost your best friend.
you lost your other best friend.
you really fell in love.
you became a steady girlfriend.
you became a significant other
you became significant to yourself.
sooner or later, you start to take yourself seriously.
you know when you need a break.
you know when you need a rest.
you know what to get worked up about, what to get rid of
and you know when it’s time to take care of yourself,
when it’s time to do something that makes you more confident.
because you know it’s never too late to live life and never too late to change one.
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- Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
- You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
- The dryer has shrunk every pair of your jeans.
- Your roommate/significant other is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
- You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving, call 1-800-***-****.”
- Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
- You’re convinced that there is a God and He’s male.
- You’re counting down the days until menopause.
- You’re sure everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
- The ibuprophen bottle is empty and you just bought it yesterday.
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There were three men stranded on an island.
They had been there for a very long time, when one morning a
magic lamp washed upon the shore. The men saw it and picked it
up.
The men rubbed the lamp and a genie popped appeared. After the
genie rose up he granted the men one wish each.
The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After
thinking the man finally said, “I wish I was back at home.”
Then poof, he disappeared.
The second man thought about his wish also and made important.
Finally the man said, “I wish I was at home with my family.”
Then poof, he vanished.
The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked
around and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a
good wish and finally an idea came into his mind.
The third man said, “I wish that my two best friends were back
on this island with me,” and poof, the two other men appeared
on the island again.
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10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him
the TV remote. (Men don’t want to see what’s on television,
they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment
for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where
he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding
in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”
And the number one reason God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.”
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- Cats' facial expressions
- The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
- Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
- Fat clothes
- Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
- The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
- Cutting your bangs to make them grow
- Eyelash curlers
- The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, The Number One thing only women understand:
- OTHER WOMEN
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Do you know what would have
happened if it had been Three
Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole, and,
brought practical gifts.
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What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
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1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
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1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
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1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
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1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m emoting
5. Doesn’t retell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
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1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
—————————————————
1. Breathing
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- We know stuff about tanks
- A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
- We can open all our own jars
- We can go to the bathroom without a support group
- We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name
- We can leave a motel bed unmade
- We can kill our own food
- We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
- Wedding plans take care of themselves
- If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
- Underwear is $10 a three-pack
- If you are 34 and single nobody notices
- Everything on our faces stays the original color
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough
- We don’t have to clean the house/apartment if the meter reader is coming.
- Car mechanics tell us the truth.
- We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking “He must be mad at me.”
- Same work - more pay
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
- We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.
- You pals will never trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
- We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
- We almost never have a “strap problem” in public
- We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
- The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades
- We don’t have to shave below the neck
- A few belches are expected and tolerated
- Our belly usually hides our big hips
- One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
- We can do our nails with a pocketknife
- We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.
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Don't annoy me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
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last updated: June 4
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