Here's quotes from every episode in chronological order. Sick, I know. I'll probably get around to at least splitting them up by season, but for now, just scroll down. Waste more time. Have fun. *grin*

PILOT

BILLY: Just tell me who to call.
SAM: Well you could dial 1-800 BITE ME.

LAURIE: Tell your friend Potus that he’s got a funny name and he should learn how to ride a bicycle.
SAM: I would, but he’s not my friend, he’s my boss, and it’s not his name, it’s his title.
LAURIE: "Potus"?
SAM: President of the United States. I’ll call you.

LEO: How many Cubans exactly have crammed themselves into these fishing boats?
JOSH: It’s important to understand, Leo, that by and large they’re not fishing boats. You hear fishing boats and you conjure an image of, well a boat, first of all. What the Cubans are on could charitably be described as rafts. Okay? They’re making the hop from Havana to Miami in fruit baskets basically, let’s just be clear on that.
LEO: We are.
JOSH: Donna’s desk, if it could float, would look good to them right now.
LEO I get it. How many are there?
JOSH: We don’t know.
LEO: What time exactly did they leave?
JOSH: We don’t know.
LEO: Do we know when they get here?
JOSH: No.
LEO: (pause) True or False: If I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars, I’d be as informed as I am right now.
JOSH: That’s true.
LEO: The intelligence budget’s money well spent, isn’t it?

LEO He’s a klutz, Mrs. Landingham; your president’s a geek.
MRS. LANDINGHAM Mr. McGarry, you know how I feel about that talk in the oval office.
LEO I apologize.

TOBY: For God’s sakes, forget about the journey. The voyage is not our problem.
CJ: What’s our problem?
TOBY: What to do when the Nina, the Pinta and the Get Me the Hell Out Of Here hit Miami.

TOBY: You think that the United States is under attack from 12,000 Cubans in rowboats?
SAM: I’m not saying I don’t like our chances.
TOBY: Mind boggling to me that we ever won an election.

SAM: Is that the same suit you wore yesterday?
JOSH Yeah. (Beat) You?
SAM: Yeah.

DAISY: Where's the list?
MANDY: Well I don't think you're gonna like this answer one bit.
DAISY: It's in one of these cartons.
MANDY: Yes.
DAISY: Which one?
MANDY: I need the list.
DAISY: I quit.
MANDY: It's not gonna be that hard, it's just gonna take a few extra man-hours.
DAISY: I'm gonna be kneeling on the floor, looking through flowcharts and tracking polls for... (Calculates)... ever. Okay? I'm gonna be opening boxes forever. So it's a good thing I went to school for 18 years.
MANDY: The plan looked promising on paper.

DONNA: You’ve been wearing the same clothes for 31 hours now, Josh.
JOSH: I’m not getting spruced up for these people, Donna.
DONNA: All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt.
Josh is skeptical, but he’s not taking any chances…
JOSH (grabbing the shirt and tie) Gimme that.

SAM: Ms. O’Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I’m a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that’s not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine’s about to get fired for going on television and making sense and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss’s daughter.
MALLORY: That would be me.
SAM: You.
MALLORY: Yes.
SAM: Leo’s daughter’s fourth grade class.
MALLORY: Yes.
SAM: (pauses) Well this is bad on so many levels.

JOHN VAN DYKE: Then what’s the First Commandment?
And from the doorway, a MAN, standing with the help of a cane, speaks.
MAN: "I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other God before me."
The man is PRESIDENT JOSIAH (JED) BARTLET, Democrat of New Hampshire, and a direct descendant of one of the signers of the Declaration. A few paces behind Bartlet is his personal aide, CHARLIE. A few SECRET SERVICE can be seen out in the corridor.
BARTLET (CONT): Boy, those were the days, huh?

JOSH: Okay, can I just say that, as it turned out, I was the calmest person in the room.
TOBY: She was calling us New York Jews, Josh.
JOSH: Yes, but being from Connecticut, I didn’t mind so much.
We follow them into
31 INT. OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
JOSH (CONT) You, C.J., on the other hand, were brilliant. I particularly liked the part where you said nothing at all.
C.J.: I’m sorry, Josh, I was distracted. All I could really think about was Lloyd Russell and your girlfriend.
SAM: Are you kidding?
JOSH: Oh I’ll be puttin’ an end to that.
BARTLETT: "Hi, Mr. President. How was your trip? How’s the ankle?"

BARTLET: My point is this: break’s over.

BARTLET: Mrs. Landingham, what’s next?


POST-HOC, ERGO PROPTER HOC

JOSH: Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning people. Victory is mine!
DONNA: Good morning, Josh.
JOSH: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
DONNA: It's gonna be an unbearable day.

TOBY: Mrs. Landingham does the president have free time this morning?
MRS. LANDINGHAM: The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?
TOBY: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: What age would that be, Toby?
TOBY: Late twenties?
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Atta boy.
TOBY opens her cookie jar.
TOBY: Can I have a cookie?
MRS. LANDINGHAM: No.
SAM walks in.
SAM: Toby, they turned down our request?
TOBY: C.J.'s on it.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Good morning, Sam.
SAM: Good morning.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Have a cookie, Sam.
SAM : Thank you.

CJ: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
BARTLET: CJ, I’ve got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You think this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
CJ: No.
BARTLET: Me neither.

Bartlet: CJ, on your tombstone, it’s going to read: “Post hoc, ergo, propter hoc.”
CJ: okay, but none of my vistitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anyone know what “post hoc ergo propter hoc” means? Josh?
Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore…After hoc, therefore something else hoc.
Bartlet: Thank you. Next. Leo
Leo: After it, therefore because of it.
Bartlet: After it, therefore because of it. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it’s not always true. In fact, it’s hardly ever true.

C.J. (On TV) I have to say that it came as a bit of a surprise to discover that professional golfers don't have a sense of humor, especially after seeing them in some of the outfits.

Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: What is that?
Morris Tolliver: It's a flu shot.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: I don't need a flu shot.
Morris Tolliver: You do need a flu shot.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup? I want the secret service in here right away.
Morris Tolliver: In the event of a military coup what makes you think that the secret service is going to be on your side?
Bartlet: Now that's a thought that's gonna fester.

Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: Really?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute?
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidently?
Sam: Yes
Toby: I don’t understand, did you trip over something?

TOBY: This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, do you know that, we do fine by ourselves.


A PROPORTIONAL RESPONSE

JOSH: Ok. Here's what I'm gonna do.
DONNA: Hide in your office?
JOSH: No. I'm not gonna hide in my office. I'm gonna go into my office and devise a strategy. That is what I do. I'm a professional. I'm not a little boy.
DONNA: Hmm. that's the spirit.
JOSH: But if she calls, I'm at the dentist. I'll be back in an hour.
DONNA: Got it.
JOSH then walks into HIS OFFICE. He immediately sees C.J. sitting on his desk reading a newspaper. He SCREAMS. C.J. looks pissed.
C.J.: Wow, are you stupid!

TOBY: How the hell did I get into trouble?
JOSH: Today, all you had to do was get out of bed.

JOSH: Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not gonna haul your enemies in for questioning?

JOSH: 'Insuccessful'?
DONNA: What's the problem?
JOSH: I don't think we're allowed to make up our own words.
DONNA: Oh, and like there's no chance it's a typo.
JOSH: Change it, would you? Serious people are going to read that.

CHRIS: C.J., what’s all the activity?
C.J.: What activity?
REPORTER: Fitzwallace was in Leo’s office.
C.J. starts walking slowly towards her office.
C.J.: Admiral Fitzwallace is Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Leo McGarry is White House chief of staff, I’m your host C.J., lets play our game.
CHRIS: Is it happening?
C.J.: No.
CHRIS: Would you know if it was?
C.J.: Guys.
REPORTER: Why all the activity?
C.J. Menudo’s in the building. I gotta go.

Toby: There is no law…there is no decency
Josh: He’s just getting that now?

CJ: One other thing.
Sam: Are we done?
CJ: No Sam, when I say one other thing that means we’re not done, it means that there’s one other thing.

CJ: I’m your first phone call.

Sam: Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?
Charlie: No, sir.
Sam: What the hell’s been stopping you?

Josh: I’ve got nothing to do. Just like a writer on a movie set.

Bartlet: (to Leo) When I think of all the work you put in to get me to run, when I think of all the work you did to get me elected…I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.

Leo: That’s a pretty ugly tie.
Bartlet: My granddaughter gave me this tie
Leo: My nephew gave me an ashtray he made at summer camp
Bartlet: Get away from me! Somebody throw this guy out of the building!


FIVE VOTES DOWN

POTUS: Right in front of everybody. I looked to the side at one point, you know. I half expected to see you coming at me with a salad fork.
TOBY: Well, but for the secret service agents restraining me, sir.
POTUS: Yup. Thank God for the secret service.

CJ: I thought it was inspired.
Toby: Why do you keep saying stuff like that?
CJ: Just to see you face turn that color.

CJ: Do you think that I have an unusually large neck?
Josh: What the hell?

Leo: I should sell tickets to this meeting.

Josh: President Bartlet’s a good man. He’s got a good heart. He doesn’t hold a grudge. That’s what he pays me for.

Toby: There’s literally no one in the world that I don’t hate right now.

Bartlet: Before I go, please let me just say this. I’m seriously considering getting a dog.

POTUS: You're what my mother calls a pain in the ass.
TOBY: Well that’s what my mother calls it too, sir.

Charlie: Mrs. Bartlett seemed quite adamant. I'd describe her tone as being--
POTUS: You don't have to describe her tone to me, Charlie. I've been married to it for thirty-two years.
[Whole group comes out of building where a crowd is waiting for them.]
Charlie: Well, I don't want to get in trouble with the First Lady--
POTUS: Give me the medicine, Charlie. Thank you. Have a good night; I'll see you in the morning.
Charlie: Yes sir.
POTUS: thank you all.

Girls in the crowd: We love you, Josh!
Josh: Thanks.
C.J.: it helps not to know him!

Leo: There's two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em: laws and sausages.

Mandy: They're going to love you for being broke Toby.
Toby: I found that. I found that women especially can't get enough of my 1993 Dodge Dart.

Sam: Where are you going?
Josh: Where are you going?
Sam: I was following you.
Josh: I was following you. All right, don't tell anyone this happened, okay?

C.J.: Excuse me, Toby. I was heading out for lunch and I'm a little short. You wouldn't happen to have a hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars I could borrow, would you?
Sam: I got your back on this, buddy.
Toby: I am so completely screwed.


THE CRACKPOTS AND THESE WOMEN

DONNA: What do you think it’s about?
JOSH: I don’t know. But this is the White House, so it’s probably not that important.

BOB: Wed like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
SAM: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
BOB: No.
SAM: Thank God. Like we don’t have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.

CJ: There’s an article I want you to read in the New Yorker.
Josh: What’s it about?
CJ: Smallpox.
Josh: The disease?
CJ: No, the desert topping, Josh.

Josh: Is today total crackpot day?

Josh: what did you want to talk about?
Leo: First off (he slaps him on the top of the head) That’s for total crackpot day.

Sam: There are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to jump form a radar officer to the Commander in Chief would skip several of those levels.
Bob: Like what?
Sam: Like the Pentagon, and you know, perhaps therapy.

Josh: (listening to “Ave Maria”) This is a beautiful piece of music, do you know this?
CJ: I’m Catholic.

CJ: More people get killed each year getting change out of a vending machine than get killed in a wolf attack. Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a verding machine: four. Number of people killed in a wolf attack: zero.

Bartlet: CJ, I don’t mind the cost of this wolves-only highway, it the segregation. The ACLU is going to file a petition on behalf of some reindeer, and then we’re all screwed.

BARTLETT: Ten years ago, the federal budget had a deficit of 22 billion dollars but the national debt rose...
CHARLIE walks in the door behind the president.
BARTLET (CONT): ...from 5.2 trillion to 5.4 trillion in the same fiscal year.
CHARLIE gives the president the note in his hand.
BARTLET (CONT): Thank you. That’s a debt increase of 188 million against a 22 billion-dollar deficit. (Reads note) Oh, this is good news.
WOMAN: (to the president) you knew those numbers in your head?
LEO: The presidents startlingly freakish that way.
BARTLETT: (to Leo) Zoey’s coming for dinner.
LEO: She’s in town!
BARTLETT: Yeah. (To everyone in room) My daughter’s starting Georgetown after the first and she’s scouting off-campus housing. Guys were done. I’m sorry, but some of my staff has been waiting and they haven’t had the chance to bother me for a couple of hours. Thanks so much.

BARTLETT: Everyone! Come in. Come on in. Hey, listen up everybody. Zoey’s down from Hanover. I’m making chili for everyone tonight.
EVERYONE: (very weak and uninterested) Great. Okay. Chili.
BARTLETT: (looks at LEO for a second then to the staff) All right...You know what? Let’s do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet.
The camera takes us from the staffers point of view as they look down from the president to the presidential seal in the middle of the room.
BARTLETT: Now, everybody look back up at me. Zoey’s coming down from Hanover and I’m making chili for everyone tonight.
EVERYONE: (loud voices and very excited) That’s great! Terrific! I love chili!

JOSH: Drop the spoon.
ZOEY: I knew it was you.
JOSH: You look good!
ZOEY: And, you look like death in a Triscut.
JOSH: Oh, thanks very much. I’m seeing a new barber.


Mr. WILLIS OF OHIO

Sam: You’ve been faking it?
CJ: Yes.
Sam: The President.
CJ: I know, I probably shouldn’t do that.
Sam: You think?
CJ: I’ll see you at lunch.

Josh walks out of the Oval Office. Mallory and Zoe come up from behind.
Zoey: Josh!
Josh: Hey.
Mallory: Hey.
Zoey: Take us with you.
Josh: Where?
Mallory: Out tonight.
Zoey: Your plans with Charlie.
Josh: How do you know I’m going out with Charlie?
Zoey: My Dad just told us.
Mallory: He said you should take us with you.
Josh: The man is like a camp counselor.

Guy 1: (to Charlie): Hey, I ain’t done with you Sammy.
Charlie: My name is Charlie Young jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket’s an 8-ball, you’ll blow your splendid Spring Break in a Federal Prison.
The SS Agents take the guys out of the bar.
Charlie: (to Josh) Now I’m having a good time.
Josh: (tossing the panic button in the air) well, my work here is done.

Toby: $500,000 for New York State to restore the home of Susan B Anthony
Josh: While we’re at it, my shower tile could use regrouting.

Josh: Sam, I’m taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
Sam: Sounds good.
CJ: I like beer.
Josh: If you want to come I guess that’d be okay.
CJ: Why, Josh, you’ve swept me off my feet.

CJ: She didn’t bring my grasshopper?
Josh: She didn’t?
CJ: No
Josh: Maybe she just felt really stupid ordering it.

Bartlet: What were you doing taking my daughter out to a bar
Josh: You told me to, sir.
Bartlet: I told you to take Charlie. When Zoey said she was going I just assumed you were going to go have malteds or something.
Josh: Malteds, sir?
Bartlet: Yes
Josh: What is this, Our Town?

POTUS: Hi. Before, when I was being an idiot, there was something I forgot to say.
Leo: What?
POTUS: I’m sorry.
Leo: Thank you.
POTUS: I would like unanimous consent to revise and extend my remarks.
Leo: Without objection.
POTUS: I don’t know what the hell was the matter with me Leo. Is there’s anything I can do to help, anything?
Leo: Thanks.


STATE DINNER

CJ: Man alive, do I love it when In Style Magazine is issued press credentials. Mirabella needed to know what kind of wine is being served with the fish course. So, it's a good thing I went to school for 22 years.
JOSH: What wine are we getting served?
CJ: It's wine and you'll drink it.
JOSH: Okay.

JOSH: Well, prudent or not, once the scythe comes out, I'm probably going to haul ass.

Josh: What’s going on with the truckers?
Leo: I’m meeting with them in the Roosevelt Room in an hour.
Josh: CJ’s going to need to know what they’re wearing.
Leo: Yeah.

Sam Seaborn: Toby, do you really think it's a good idea to invite people to dinner and then to tell them exactly what they're doing wrong with their lives?
Toby Ziegler: Absolutely, otherwise it's just a waste of food.

Bartlet: Where’s Toby sitting?
Leo: With CJ, Sam and Josh
Bartlet: Now that’s the fun table

Sam (to Josh): We look good, don’t we?
Mandy: Do you two want to be alone?

Abbey: I was looking for the President
Sam: He had to step out to the West Wing, I’m not sure why, but I could go –
Abbey: To pistol-whip the trucking industry
Sam: Why would he –
Abbey: Because he can’t save a gun victim and he can’t stop a hurricane.

Press Secretary CJ Cregg: You won't get a story by flirting with me.
Danny: I know.
Press Secretary CJ Cregg: Then why do you do it?
Danny: To flirt with you.

MANDY: What is it you do here exactly?
JOSH: It's never really been made clear to me.

ABBY: I know. You know, one of the things that happens when I stay away too long, is that you forget that you don't have to power to fix everything. You have a big brain. And a good heart. And an ego the size of Montana. You do, Jed. You don't have the power to fix everything. But I do like watching you try.


ENEMIES

POTUS: We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah. What do you think?
President Bartlet walks to his desk and writes a note.
JOSH: Good a place as any to dump your body.
BARTLETT: What was that?
JOSH: Did I say that out loud?
BARTLETT: See, and I was gonna let you go home.
JOSH: But instead?
BARTLETT: We’re gonna talk about Yosemite.

MANDY: You guys are idiots. Did you know that?
C.J.: In our own defense, we actually do know that.

Bartlet: Ok, everyone sit down. You’re freaking me out.

MALLORY: Excuse me, Margaret.
(To Leo) Hello.
LEO: Hey, baby.
MALLORY: Don’t “hey baby” me, you addle-minded Machiavellian jerk!
MARGARET: Should I step out?
LEO: Sounds like it.


THE SHORT LIST

SAM: Who da man?
TOBY: You da man!
SAM and JOSH: We da man!
DONNA: This is just gross.

President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're collectively da man, sir.

DONNA: There's many a slip twixt the tongue and the wrist, Josh.
JOSH: Yes. Well, your fortune cookie wisdom notwithstanding, it's gonna sail.
DONNA: Please don't get your hopes up.
JOSH: Why shouldn't I get my hopes up?
DONNA: Because when it doesn't work out, you end up drunk in my apartment in the middle of the night and yell at my roommate's cats.
JOSH: Smooth sailing, Donna.
DONNA: Cautious optimism, Josh.
JOSH: Nothing bad is gonna happen this week.
DONNA: Exercise cautious optimism.
JOSH: Look, there is no reason -
A big chunk of the ceiling comes falling down in front of Josh. It crashes in his desk.
JOSH: Well...okay.

JOSH: Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now, that it's time to share.
MANDY: This isn't funny, Josh.
JOSH: Mandy, if you can't laugh at this, then you're just not having enough fun in show business.

C.J. walks away from the podium and approaches a STAFFER.
C.J.: Set fire to the room. Do it now.

Leo: CJ, you should – where’s CJ?
CJ: (coming up behind him) Right here. Sorry.
Leo: You should wear a bell around your neck, you know that?

Josh: Hell, I mean, just the law of large numbers says we gotta win one one of these days, right? Let’s make it a good one.

LEO: I guess you're the guy with the worst job in the building this week, huh?
JOSH: (laughs) I was interrogating this intern from the Legislative Liaison's Office, and she broke down crying while telling me about the bong she had made out of an eggplant.
LEO: You can do that?
JOSH: I used to use a potato.
LEO: You've always been industrious.

JOSH: You're Leo McGarry. You're not gonna be taken down by this... small fraction of a man. I won't permit it.


IN EXCELSIS DEO

Donna: Good morning Josh.
Josh: Good morning Donna, and a Merry Christmas to you and your whole Protestant family.
Donna: Thank you.

Josh: Where are you going?
Bartlet: A place called Rare Books. You know what they sell?
Josh: Fishing tackle.
Bartlet: Funny boy.


LORD JOHN MARBERRY

TOBY: How could the CIA miss 300,000-armed people walking all over-
BARTLETT: They didn’t exactly miss them. In fact, they’ve got a very good photo now.
TOBY: Yeah, but the idea is to spot them before they cross the border, right?
BARTLETT: Yeah.
TOBY: Oops.

Mrs. L: How are you, Josh?
Josh: I’ve been subpoenaed.
Mrs. L: Oh, I’m sorry dear. Would you like a cookie?

LARRY and ED are briefing TOBY, C.J., and SAM.
LARRY: India’s population stands at roughly one billion. 82% are Hindus, 11% are Muslim.
ED: They’re mostly poor, but nearly as bad off as Pakistanis.
LARRY: Yes, whose average per capita income is $400.
ED: They are, however, better educated. Their literacy rate is 48%.
LARRY: And they’re healthier. Average life span is 57.7 years.
ED: The average rainfall ~
TOBY: The hell kind of briefing is this?
LARRY: Toby, if we could just have another hour to prepare
TOBY: Where’d you get this stuff?
LARRY: I swear to God, the Encyclopedia Britannica.

SAM: Mandy wants to take on Mike Brace as a client.
JOSH: Is there another Mike Brace?
SAM: Not in the House of Representatives, no.
JOSH: She understands he’s a Republican right?
SAM: Yeah, she’s a pretty bright girl.
JOSH: Oh, I’m gonna kill her.
SAM: So you’re saying no way?
JOSH: Yeah that’s a big 10-4.
SAM: Yeah.

BARTLETT: Zoey just walked right up to him and asked him out.
LEO: She’s a very outgoing girl.
BARTLETT: See, but a dungeon would have put an end to that.
LEO: We learn these lessons the hard way.
BARTLETT: I think you’re trying to cover up the fact that you’re enjoying this.
LEO: I’m not trying to cover it up at all.
BARTLETT: I’m a father in pain.
LEO: Well, really you’re just a pain.
BARTLETT: Leo.
LEO: Got a racial problem?
BARTLETT: A racial problem?
LEO: It’s okay to admit it.
BARTLETT: I don’t!
LEO: Okay.
BARTLETT: I don’t have a racial problem.
LEO: Okay.
BARTLETT: I’m Spencer Tracy at the END of ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.’
LEO: Okay.
BARTLETT: Racial problem!
LEO: I’m just saying -
BARTLETT: My problem is not that she’s white, he’s black, it’s that she’s a girl and he’s not. To say nothing of he’s older than she is.
LEO: She’s nineteen, he’s twenty-one.
BARTLETT: Yeah, but a guy learns a lot in those two years.
LEO: Okay.
BARTLETT: Tracy was good in that movie.
LEO: Yeah.

LEO: He thinks I’m the butler.
BARTLETT: For the first couple of weeks, so did I.

Bartlet: My daughter asked you out?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: I should have locked her in the dungeon.
Charlie: I don’t think you’ve got one sir.
Bartlet: I could have built one.

BARTLETT: Say, listen. My hesitation about your going out with Zoey before, you know, it’s not ‘cause you’re black. CHARLIE sits opposite him.
CHARLIE: I didn’t think it was.
BARTLETT: It’s not.
CHARLIE: I thought it was ‘cause I’m a guy.
BARTLETT: It is.
CHARLIE: I understand.
BARTLETT: Still, I want you to go out with her if that’s what you both want to do.
CHARLIE: I’d like to.
BARTLETT: That’s fine.
CHARLIE: Thank you, sir.
BARTLETT: Just remember these two things: She’s nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.
CHARLIE: Yes sir.
BARTLETT: Also this - no kidding. You go out with Zoey, you’re gonna get your picture taken. There’s gonna be a lot of people not wild about the sight of you and the President’s daughter. You know what to do with the mail, right?
CHARLIE: Yes sir.
BARLET (Standing) all right. You keep your head up.
CHARLIE: Yes sir.
BARTLETT: Should have built a dungeon.
CHARLIE: Yes sir.

Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Toby, how much do you know about India and Pakistan?
Toby Ziegler: I know that any war between these two countries that begins with conventional weapons isn’t going to end that way.

Indian ambassador: You look well, Mr. President.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: I was looking a lot better before your country breached about 14 ceasefire conditions without so much as a phone call.

Charles 'Charlie' Young: Mr. President?
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.
Charles 'Charlie' Young: Yes, sir.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.
Charles 'Charlie' Young: Yes, sir.

Sam: You’re a cheap hack. And if you come after Leo McGarry I’m going to bust you like a piñata.

John: Allow me to present myself. Lord John Marberry. I was summonded by your President.
Leo: Yes, we’ve met. Ten or twelve times. I’m Leo McGarry.
John: Oh, I thought you were the butler.


HE SHALL FROM TIME TO TIME

JOSH: Are his glands swollen?
C.J.: Damn.
JOSH: What?
C.J: You know what I forgot to do today?
JOSH: What?
C.J.: I forgot to feel the president's glands.
JOSH: Do you think the joke reflex you use as a defense mechanism is why you have so much trouble keeping a man?
C.J.: You know...?
JOSH: I’m saying, we're 44 hours away from the State of the Union, and he doesn't look so good.

BARTLETT: ...And how do we make the American dream of opportunity a reality for all? I came to this hal#owed chamber one year ago, and I see we're spelling "hallowed" with a pound sign in the middle of it.
SAM: We'll fix that.
BARTLETT: The pound sign's silent?
LEO: Move on, Mr. President.
BARTLETT: I came to this hall#owed chamber one year ago on a mission: to restore the American dream for all our people, as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us in the 321st century... Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?
SAM heads to the podium.
SAM: Leo...
LEO: Let's take a break.
BARTLETT: We meant "stronger" here, right?
SAM: What's it say?
BARTLETT: I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?
SAM: That's a typo.
BARTLETT: Could go either way.
TOBY: Sam?
SAM: Taking care of it.

Bartlet: Is it possible I’m taking something called “euthanasia?”
Sam: Echinacea?
Bartlet: That sounds more like it.

Toby: You don’t look so good, sir.
Bartlet: Well, I’m gazing into the 321st century, man, there’s a lot on my mind.

C.J.: Mr. President.
BARTLETT: I'm taking pills, C.J.
C.J.: Are you actually taking them, or are you just carrying them around in your pocket?
BARTLETT: You know, carrying them around in my pocket was a pretty big step for me.

ABBEY: Want a nickel worth of free advice?
MALLORY: Sure.
ABBEY: Don't go for the geniuses. They never want to sleep.

Josiah 'Jed' Bartlett: I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends -- apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?

BARTLET: Abbey phoned me up and told me about your conversation. I was diagnosed about seven years ago. My life expectancy is normal. My particular course of MS is relapsing-remitting, which means I should experience total recovery after attacks. Abbey gives me injections of something called Betaseron, and that reduces the frequency. Fever and stress tend to be two things that induces attacks.
LEO: Well, you're the president of the United States, you're delivering the State of the Union tomorrow night, India and Pakistan are pointing nuclear weapons at each other, and you have a 102-degree fever. So I guess we're out of the woods, hmm?

[With the cabinet member who stays behind during a State of the Union address]
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Roger, If anything happens, you know what to do, right?
Roger: I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to defcon 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. You got a best friend?
Roger: Yes, sir.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Is he smarter than you?
Roger: Yes, sir.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Would you trust him with your life?
Roger: Yes, sir.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: That's your chief of staff.


TAKE OUT THE TRASH DAY

Toby: I was raised on Sesame Street, I was raised on Julia Child, I was raised on Brideshead Revisited – their legacy is safe in my hands. (CJ laughs) You got a problem with that?
CJ: You watched cooking shows?
Toby: I watched Miss Julia Child.

(Mrs. Landingham sees Bartlet reading the sex ed report)
Mrs. L: Would you like to share what’s in that report sir?
Bartlet: With you?
Mrs. L: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: No
Mrs. L: May I ask why not, sir?
Bartlet: Because I’d rather not be in therapy for the rest of my life.


TAKE THIS SABBATH DAY

Leo: Welcome back, Mr. President.
POTUS: Leo! What're you doing here?
Leo: I needed a minute, sir. How was the flight?
C.J.: It was--
POTUS: Great!
C.J.: --gruesome. "If you'll look out the left side of the cabin, you'll see the fjords." Then we got a history of the fjords, and then we got a quiz on the fjords. do you have any idea how much I would like to dress you up in lederhosen and dropkick you into the fjords right now?
POTUS: Aww. You don't know how to have fun when we're traveling.

C.J.: So, here's my job tonight. If this thing happens. "At 12:01, he'll get the injection..."
Mandy: C.J.
C.J.: No, I'm saying, I'm reading it, right here. "The first sign of death will be his hands twitching. After sixty seconds, he'll strain against the straps, his head will have snapped back violently, and after ninety seconds he'll be in convulsions. At 12:04, he'll be pronounced dead."
Mandy: He killed two people, probably more. I'm sorry, I don't get worked up over it.
C.J.: Me neither. That's what I'm saying, me neither. Except at 12:04, 'cause that's when the warden calls me. That's my *job* tonight. I have to go in and tell the President that Simon Cruz is dead and we're the ones who killed him. So, I just wish I didn't know his mother's name was Sophia, is all I'm saying.


CELESTIAL NAVIGATION

[Toby and Sam are still in the car, driving down a dark highway.]
Toby: We're going the wrong way.
Sam: No we're not.
Toby: We're supposed to be going east.
Sam: We're going east.
Toby: How’d' you know we're going east.
Sam: The sun rises in the east.
Toby: It's dark outside!
Sam: Also, that bright star in the northern sky is Polaris.
Toby: So what.
Sam: I'm using celestial navigation.
Toby: Hey, Galileo, get off at the next exit and turn the car around.

CJ: Why’d he refuse the Breathalyzer?
Toby: Because he’s a crazy man out to ruin my life.

Sam: I’m nuts for dental hygiene.

Josh: They have telephones in Nova Scotia. It’s not Amish country.

Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don’t support it?

Leo: He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?
Sam: Yeah.
Leo: How's a person do that?
Sam: Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.
[They are all looking at Sam like he's crazy. Toby vocalizes it.]
Toby: Something really kinda freakish about you, ya know that?


20 HOURS IN LA

POTUS: It'll be fine.
Leo: Be that way.
POTUS: Your impersonation of my mother is getting sharper and sharper, you know that?
Leo: Thank you.

POTUS: Press in a good mood?
CJ: No, Mr. President, I wouldn't say they were.
POTUS: Why not?
CJ: Well, they're not wild about taking off at 3 0'clock in the morning, Sir.
POTUS: Oh, it's going to be great. We're going to race the sun to the pacific horizon!
CJ: I'll be sure to tell them that, Sir. I'm sure it'll pick them right up.

Charlie: Well, I've been trying to listen to some of the many lessons you've been giving me on how to be a better boyfriend and I know that attentiveness -
Zoe: No, this is one of the times when it's okay.
Charlie: Okay. It's hard to tell the difference between those times and the other times.
Zoe: I know. Doesn't that suck for you?
Charlie: A little bit, yeah.

POTUS: Those people over there don't like me too much.
Josh: Well, they just haven't taken the time to get to know you like we have, Sir

Zoe: Dad, I can't believe you did this.
POTUS: Surprised you for lunch, I know, I'm the best.
Zoe: Dad, I wanted to have lunch in Los Angeles -
POTUS: You are.
Zoe: With people, with LA people. I wanted the atmosphere. And they've cleared out the place.
POTUS: Yeah, but on the other hand, the guy made guacamole right in front of us.
Zoe: Dad!
POTUS: This is father/daughter fun time.
Zoe: I was having fun. And then you come within 100 meters of me, and my protection, like, quadruples.
POTUS: Oh, you know, I hadn't thought about that. [Looking around] Now that you mention it, yeah, I think you're right.
Zoe: What, is someone after me in California?
POTUS: All kinds of things in California, Zoe. You've got your smog, your freeway shootings, brush fires, mud slides. Plus, apparently, there's a mad rash of flag burning going on, and you don't want a piece of that.
Zoe: See, you think you're funny.
POTUS: Right there, right in front of me, they made the guacamole. Now, how about that?

Mark: Excuse me, I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Mark Miller. I'm head of new development at Paragon.
CJ: CJ Cregg.
Toby: Toby Ziegler.
Mark: Oh, it's good to meet you both. CJ, I was wondering if my money buys me a few words alone with you.
Toby: Throw in a box of chocolates and a pair of nylons get you a lot more than that.
CJ: Sure. [She and Mark start to walk off]
Toby: I'll be over at the bar, drinking a lot, if anyone wants me.
CJ: Nobody will.


THE WHITE HOUSE PRO-AM

Lilly: Your guy has a 48% approval rating and my guy’s at 61% and bite me.
Sam: Well, point well argued.

Donna: So I’ve been reading this book…
Josh: I’m on the phone.
Donna: You’re on hold
Josh: How do you know?
Donna: The light was blinking
Josh: (sigh) What book?

Josh: We’re going to do good cop/bad cop
Toby: No, we’re really not
Josh: Why not?
Toby: Because this isn’t an episode of Hawaii Five-O

Leo: Sometimes, I don’t even know what you’re talking about
Bartlet: Sometimes I’m just making it up

Bartlet: You used to go to school in overalls and a little hat
Zoey: Yes, I used to be five
Leo: what’s up zoey?
Zoey: just keeping it real
Leo: Hm?
Bartlet: who the hell knows?

Bartlet: Why aren’t you taking math?
Zoey: Because I graduated high school

Toby: You’re concerned about American labor and manufacturing?
Congressman: Yeah
Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
Congressman: Toyota
Toby: Then shut up.
Josh: What Toby is trying to say is that we don’t’ get to see you guys often enough and it’s a crying shame.

Josh: This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass
Toby: I’ve cultivated that reputation

Congressman: Are we keeping you two from something important?
Toby: Many, many things

Danny: Well, I’d get in trouble with the First Lady
Bartlet: Welcome to the club, Danny. We had some jackets made.

Donna: Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses’ were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish a woman’s sexual desire, into their drinking water.
Josh: Why would anyone want to diminish a woman’s sexual desire?

Abbey: I concede that I was wrong about the thing.
Bartlet: good
Abbey: however
Bartlet: No, no however, just be wrong. Just stand there and you’re wrong. Listen, be wrong and get used to it.

Charlie: I came to apologize
Zoey: you let me sitting in the restaurant
Charlie: I feel bad about that
Zoey: are there other things you feel bad about too?
Charlie: yes
Zoey: name them please
Charlie: I. off the top of my head I wouldn’t be able to give you a comprehensive list. Just suffice it to say that anything I’ve done to upset you, even it if only exists in your kind of confused little mind, I really apologize for.


SIX MEETINGS BEFORE LUNCH

The roll call continues. TOBY enters and immediately freezes BONNIE and GINGER--
TOBY: Put it down.
BONNIE: Toby--
TOBY: No champagne.
BONNIE: We’re just--
TOBY: Put it down. Everyone in this room, lemme have your attention, please. The law of our land mandates that Presidential appointees be confirmed by a majority of the Senate. A majority is half plus one for a total of what, Ginger?
GINGER: 51.
TOBY: 51 yea votes is what we see on the screen before a drop of wine is swallowed. Because there’s a little thing called what, Bonnie?
BONNIE: Tempting fate.
TOBY: Tempting fate is what it’s called. In the three months this man’s been on my radar screen, I have aged 48 years. This is my Day of Jubilee and I will not have it screwed up by what, Bonnie? BONNIE: By tempting fate.
TOBY: By tempting fate. These things take patience. These things take skill. These things take luck. In the 15 months we’ve been in office, what kind of luck have we had, Ginger?
GINGER: Bad luck.
TOBY: What kind of luck?
GINGER: Very bad luck.

SAM: Our day of jubilee.
TOBY: Not yet.
MALLORY comes over to SAM--
MALLORY: Sam--
SAM: It’s my day of jubilee.
MALLORY: I despise you and everything you stand for.
SAM: ‘Kay, the day was a little bit better a few seconds ago, but that’s all right.

Mallory: don’t play dumb with me
Sam: no. honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time, I’m just playing smart.

JOSH: Leo, I’m white.
LEO: Yes.
JOSH: I’m a white guy from Connecticut.
LEO: We’ve met, Josh.
JOSH: I’m sayin’ isn’t this kind of a delicate subject for me to get into with a black civil rights lawyer from Athens, Georgia?
LEO: Remember, you’re also Jewish.
JOSH: Then he’s sure to love me.
LEO: Yeah.

Josh: You didn’t want tot talk to me about banana bars, did you?
Mandy: Panda bears
Josh: Donna has stylish penmanship
MANDY: I think we should get a Panda Bear.
JOSH: You say that now, but I’m the one who’s gonna end up feeding him and walking him.

MALLORY: Wow.
SAM: What?
MALLORY: For someone who’s trying to date me, that was pretty snotty.
SAM: Hang on, these are office hours. If I’d know I was workin’ on that I’d have had a whole different attitude.

MANDY: Toby.
TOBY: Mandy.
MANDY: You got two seconds?
TOBY: Madeline, you are charming and you are brilliant and for you I have all the time in the world.
MANDY: (to GINGER) What’s with him?
GINGER: It’s the day after his day of Jubilee.
BONNIE: We’ve never seen him sustain a good mood this long.
TOBY: Bonnie, you are dedicated and you are beautiful. Ginger, you’re… other nice things.
MANDY: Can I see you inside?
TOBY: You bet.

BARTLETT: You think I could take George Washington?
CHARLIE: (pause) Take him at what, sir?
BARTLETT: I don’t know… a war?
CHARLIE: Could you take George Washington in a war?
BARTLETT: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Well, you’d have the Air Force and he’d have the Minutemen, right?
BARTLETT: The Minutemen were good.
CHARLIE: Still, I think you’d probably take him.
BARTLETT: Yeah.

BARTLETT: "In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered."
C.J. (beat) well… I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.

JOSH: You know, Jeff, I’d love to give you the money, I really would. But I’m a little short of cash right now. It seems the SS officer forgot to give my grandfather his wallet back when he let him out of Birkenau.
JEFF: Well, your beef is with the Germans.
JOSH: You’re damn right it is. (Pause) What the hell are we talking about?
JEFF (pause) we have laws in this country. You break ‘em; you pay your fine. You break God’s law that’s a different story. You can’t kidnap a civilization and sell ‘em into slavery. No amount of money’ll make up for it, and all you have to do is look, two hundred years later, at race relations in this country.
JOSH: Yes.
JEFF: No amount of money’ll make up for it.
JOSH: Yes.
JEFF: You got a dollar?
JOSH: Yeah.
JEFF: Take it out.
JOSH does as he’s told.
JEFF: Look at the back. The seal, the pyramid, it’s unfinished. With the eye of God looking over it. And the words "Annuit Coeptis." "He, God, Favors our Undertaking." The seal is meant to be unfinished, because this country’s meant to be unfinished. We’re meant to keep doing better. We’re meant to keep discussing and debating. And we’re meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them. Which is why I lent my name to a dust cover. I want to be your Assistant Attorney General for Civil Rights. I’ll do an outstanding job for all people in this country. You got any problem with me saying all that to the committee?
JOSH: (pauses) No.
JEFF: Good. You hungry?
JOSH: Yeah.
JEFF: Lemme buy you lunch.
JOSH: Yeah, okay.
JOSH starts to put on his coat…
JOSH: Hey, Jeff.
JEFF: Yeah.
JOSH: You know we’re gonna have to have a lot of these meetings before your confirmation. Why don’t I get lunch this time, you get it next time.
JEFF (beat) Yeah, okay.


LET BARTLET BE BARTLET

C.J.: The Easter egg hunt and the Easter egg roll are two different things. The theme of this year's event is 'Learning is delightful and delicious,' as, by the way, am I.

Bartlet: Can we get this godforsaken event over with so that I can get back to presiding over a civilization gone to hell in a handcart?

Bartlet: Why aren’t they all here right now?
Charlie: They didn’t know it was raining, sir.
Bartlet: nothing like surrounding yourself with the best and the brightest, eh Charlie.

Leo: Margaret – I’m sorry. I’m going to have to – I hung on as long as I could but you long since passed the point when I stopped caring. If you’re curious it was right around the raisin muffins.

Leo: We dropped five points in a week?
Toby: Yeah
Leo: We didn’t do anything last week
Toby: I’ll say

MRS. LANDINGHAM: I'm going to lunch, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Speaking of lunch.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Yeah?
CHARLIE: The president's not too wild about his.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: What's the nature of his dissatisfaction?
CHARLIE: He said it's made almost entirely of vegetables.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: It's a salad, Charlie.
CHARLIE: The president'd prefer a sandwich. He says roast beef would be fine. Pastrami, sliced steak...
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Charlie, tell the president he will eat his salad. If he doesn't like it, he knows where to put his salad.
CHARLIE: Well, I don't think I will tell the president that, Mrs. Landingham, but I appreciate your help.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: You bet.

JOSH: Our second year doesn't seem to be going a whole lot better than our first, does it?
TOBY: No.

FITZWALLACE (to Tate and Thompson) We're discussing gays in the military, huh?
MAJOR THOMPSON: Yes sir.
FITZWALLACE: What do you think? No response. I said what do you think?
MAJOR THOMPSON: Sir, we're here to help the White House form a possible--
FITZWALLACE: I know. I'm asking you what you think.
MAJOR TATE: Sir, we're not prejudiced toward homosexuals.
FITZWALLACE: You just don't want to see them serving in the Armed Forces?
MAJOR TATE: No sir, I don't.
FITZWALLACE: Cause they oppose a threat to unit discipline and cohesion.
MAJOR TATE: Yes sir.
FITZWALLACE: That's what I think too. I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change.
MAJOR TATE: Yes sir.
FITZWALLACE: The problem with that is that what they were saying to me 50 years ago. Blacks shouldn't serve with Whites. It would disrupt the unit. You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the U.S. Navy and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff...Beat that with a stick.

THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BARTLET is seated in a chair, with memo in his hand. LEO comes in. CHARLIE closes the door and stays there.
BARTLETT: Who's got this?
LEO: Danny Concannon.
BARTLETT: Why am I just finding out about this now?
LEO: We spent most of the day learning about it ourselves.
BARTLETT: I really did wake up energized this morning.
LEO: I know.
BARTLETT: I never go to bed that way.
LEO: I know.
BARTLETT: Just once, in this job, I'd like to end a day feeling as good as I did when the day started.
(Pause) Are you bothered by this?
LEO: The memo?
BARTLETT: Yeah.
LEO: Yes.
BARTLETT: We've heard it all before, Leo. You drive me to political safe ground. It's not true.
LEO: I know it's not true.
BARTLETT: Good.
BARTLET heads for his desk.
LEO: You drive me there.
BARTLETT: (turns) What the hell did you say?
LEO: And you know it too.
BARTLETT: Leo?
LEO: We're stuck in neutral because that's where you tell me to stay.
BARTLETT: You're wrong.
LEO: No. I'm not, sir.
BARTLETT: You want to do this now?
LEO: Sir?
BARTLETT: You came to my house, Leo.
LEO: Mr. President?
BARTLETT: You came to my house, and you said, 'Jed, let's run for president.' I said, 'Why?' And you said, 'So that you can open your mouth and say what you think!' Where'd that part go, Leo?
LEO: You tell me, Mr. President. I don't see a shortage of cameras or microphones around here. What the hell were you waiting for?
BARTLETT: Look...
LEO: Everything you do...
BARTLETT: This morning--
LEO: Everything you do says: 'For God's sakes, Leo. I don't want to be a one-term president.'
BARTLETT: Did I not say put our guys on the F.E.C.?
LEO: No sir. You did not do that.
BARTLETT: Leo!
LEO: No! You said, let's dangle our feet in the water of whatever the hell it is we dangle our feet in, when we want to make it look like we're trying without pissing too many people off!
BARTLETT: You're writing a fascinating version of history, my friend.
LEO: Oh, take a look at Mandy's memo, Mr. President, and you'll read a fascinating version of it.
BARTLETT: You brought me in on teachers. You brought me in on capital gains. You brought me in on China. And you brought me in on guns.
LEO: Brought you in from where? You've never been out there on guns. You've never been out there on teachers. You dangle your feet, and I'm the hall monitor around here. It's my job to make sure nobody runs too fast or goes off too far. I tell Josh to go to the Hill on campaign finance, he knows nothing's gonna come out of it.
BARTLETT: That's crap.
LEO: Sam can't get real on Don't Ask, Don't Tell because you're not gonna be there, and every guy sitting across the room from him knows that.
BARTLETT: Leo, if I ever told you to get aggressive about campaign finance or gays in the military, you would tell me, 'Don't run too fast or go to far.'
LEO: If you ever told me to get aggressive about anything, I'd say I serve at the pleasure of the president. (Pause) But we'll never know, sir, because I don't think you're ever gonna say it.
BARTLETT: I have said it, and nothing's every happened!
LEO: You want to see me orchestrate this right now? You want to see me mobilize these people? These people who would walk into fire if you told them to. These people who showed up to lead. These people who showed up to fight. (Points at Charlie) That guy gets death threats because he's black and he dates your daughter. He was warned: 'do not show up to this place. You're life will be in danger.' He said, 'To hell with that, I'm going anyway.' You said, 'No.' Prudent, or not prudent, this 21, -year-old for 600 dollars a week says, 'I'm going where I want to because a man stands up.' (Pause) Everyone's waiting for you. I don't know how much longer.
BARTLETT: I don't want to feel like this anymore.
LEO: You don't have to.
BARTLETT: I don't want to go to sleep like this.
LEO: You don't have to.
BARTLETT: I want to speak.
LEO: Say it out loud. Say it to me.
BARTLETT: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now.
LEO: Say it again.
BARTLETT: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now.
LEO: Now we're in business!
LEO goes to the table and picks up a pen and writes on a pad.
BARTLETT: What's happening?
LEO: We got our asses kicked in the first quarter, and its time we move up the mat.
BARTLETT: Yes!
LEO: Say it.
BARTLETT: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now.
LEO: (while writing) I'm gonna talk to the staff. I'm gonna take them off the leash.
BARTLETT: You have a strategy for all this?
LEO: I have the beginnings of one.
BARTLETT: What is it?
LEO: I'm gonna try that out for a little while.
LEO puts the pad on the desk in front of the president. It reads, 'LET BARTLET BE BARTLET.' The president looks at it and back to LEO as his chief of staff goes back Into--
INT. LEO'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The staff is still inside. LEO takes off his jacket and leans on his desk.
LEO: Listen up. Our ground game isn't working. If we want to walk into walls, I'd want us running into them full speed.
JOSH: What do you mean?
LEO: Well, you can start by telling the Hill the president has named his nominees for the F.E.C.
JOSH looks surprised.
LEO: And we're gonna lose some of these battles, and we might even lose the White House, but we're not gonna be threatened by issues. We're gonna put them front and center. We're gonna raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. (Turns to Josh) That sound all right to you, Josh?
JOSH: I serve at the pleasure of the president of the United States.
LEO (to C.J.) Yeah?
C.J. I serve at the pleasure of the president.
LEO turns to SAM.
SAM: I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.
LEO: Toby?
TOBY: I serve at the pleasure of the president.
Everyone turns their frowns into big smiles.
LEO: Good.
LEO turns to his desk and gets a clipboard. He turns back to his staff.
LEO: Then let's get in the game!
TOBY, SAM, JOSH and C.J. exit. LEO walks to a table to get a pen. He looks at the open door to the Oval Office. He sees PRESIDENT BARTLET, who has been standing there watching. BARTLET nods at him. LEO smiles back. BARTLET walks back to his desk.


MADATORY MINIMUS

Toby : Any time you want to use punctuation that’d be fine.

Sam: You're not calm, Leo. You're acting like a nervous hoolelia.
Toby: A what?
Sam: May not be a word. May just be something my mother used to say.

Josh: Hi, Senator. Why don’t’ you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?

Josh: This is my regular Tuesday suit.
Margaret: You assign your clothes days of the week?

Onorato: "Take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?"
Sam: That sounds exactly like Josh, to me.
Onorato: My boss is ready to set the building on fire.
Sam: Then your boss will be arrested, as I'm quite sure that's against the law.


LIES, DAMN LIES AND STATISTICS

Toby: Since when are you an expert on language?
C.J.: In polling models?
Toby: Okay.
C.J.: 1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
Toby: Since long before that.

Sam: You know what's fun?
Bonnie: What?
Sam: The Potomac in the morning.
Ginger: Yeah?
Sam: Jogging around the Potomac or sculling.
Ginger: Were you jogging this morning? < Hands Sam a cup of coffee >
Sam: No.
Bonnie: Were you sculling?
Sam: No. I was sitting on a bench having a bagel, but from where I was, both jogging and sculling looked good to me.

POTUS: What do you got?
Toby: The Federated States of Micronesia.
Sam: Toby says it's a country.
POTUS < sits down w/ a cup of tea >: It is a country. You know where?
Toby: I assume it's a small island in the South Pacific.
POTUS: It's actually 607 small islands in the South Pacific. Interestingly, while its total landmass is only 270 square miles, it occupies more than a million square miles of the Pacific Ocean. Population is 127,000 and the U.S. Embassy is located in the state of Pohnpei and not, as many people believe, on the island of Yap.
Toby: Why would a person have that information at their disposal?
POTUS: Parties.
Toby: Uh...sir.
POTUS: I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador.
Toby: Why not?
POTUS: Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for.
Toby: Well, Sam's got you covered.
POTUS: How?
Sam: You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.
POTUS: To what?
Sam: Ambassador to Paraguay.
POTUS: And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay.
Sam: You make him ambassador to Bulgaria.
POTUS: Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.

Donna: You wanted me to let you know when C.J. started talking about the drug memo.
Josh: The briefing is not supposed to start 'til eleven.
Donna: Guess what?
Josh: My watch sucks?
Donna: Yes, indeed.

C.J.: Did Josh mention he's in charge of morale?
Josh: Yes, I am. And as such, I'm going out to get coffee for everyone cause a few hundred volts of caffeine is just what the doctor ordered around here. < To Joey > And you should've been more impressed that I was able to quote Theodore Roosevelt.
Joey : I was impressed that you knew what 'polyglot' meant.
Josh: 760 SAT word, baby.

Cochran: Have we met?
Charlie: Sir?
Cochran: You look very familiar. Have we met?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: Where?
Charlie: I was a waiter at the Gramercy club.
Cochran: Charlie?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: Charlie!
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: It's good to see you again. < Goes to shake Charlie's hand >
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: Under strange circumstances, which when the President comes back, I'll explain....
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: I resigned my membership in that club, by the way.
Charlie: Did you?
Cochran: Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant.
Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that didn't stop you from joining up in the first place.
Cochran: Now, that's out of line. That's out of line and that shouldn't have been said. And you forgotten that you're addressing an U.S. Ambassador.
Charlie: I apologize, sir.
Cochran: I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Charlie < looking perplexed >: Well, I'm personal aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now looking for a back door to this place to shove you out of. But, I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.

C.J.: Good evening, Mr. President. The full polling book is 400 pages long and it's still being put together. I have the top sheet results.
Leo: What's it say?
C.J.: I was wrong. We went up nine points.
< C.J. smiles >
< Leo smiles and starts to laugh, but catches himself >
< Smiles all around >
POTUS: Okay, what's next?


WHAT KIND OF DAY HAS IT BEEN

POTUS If that’s what’s on, then that’s what they watch. It’s either that, or a cricket match between Scotland and Bermuda. Now, I am an educated man, Charlie, but when someone tries to explain cricket to me, all I want to do is hit him in the head with a teapot.

POTUS: Bill, if it ends up that Fitzwallace has to call this kid’s parents, I swear to God I’m invading Baghdad. [To Fitz] Get him back.
Fitzwallace: Yes, sir.

POTUS: You know what’s hard about all this, CJ?
CJ: Sir?
POTUS: I’m rehearsing here without the pitcher and glass, it’s totally weird for me.
CJ: Yeah.
Mandy: How do you feel about him taking off his jacket?
Sam: No.
Mandy: I like it.
Sam: It’ll look staged.
Mandy: Not if he does it at the right moment.
Sam: What’s he going to do, throw it over his shoulder?
Mandy: Maybe.
Sam: I’m also not wild about the hand-held mike. Can we get him wired?
POTUS: No, because with the mike and the stool, and the jacket thrown over my shoulder, and I can do the town hall meeting, and then do a couple of sets at the Copa.
[Zoe knocks n the door, and then enters with Charlie]
Zoe: Hey.
POTUS: My musical director, Zoe Bartlet.
Zoe: Are you working?
POTUS: We’re down to do I or do I not take my jacket off. [POTUS goes out into hallway to talk to Zoe]
Zoe: Do you want to know what I think?
POTUS: I honestly couldn’t care less. Listen, I want you to come with us tonight.
Zoe: Dad, I was . . .are you sweating?
POTUS: I’m fine.
Zoe: Are you sure?
POTUS: Yeah.
Zoe: Did you take your pills?
POTUS: Zoe!
Zoe: Fine, then, go ahead and collapse.
POTUS: Are you channeling Mom, now?
Zoe: Dad . . .
POTUS: Come to Virginia tonight.
Zoe: I can watch on TV.
POTUS: It’s not like being there in person.
Zoe: You’re going to talk about me, and the camera’s going to go on me, and my face is going to turn red, and it’s just going to be awful for me.
POTUS: Bonus. Then it’s settled.
Zoe: Listen, Charlie wanted to say something during prep.
POTUS: Okay.
Zoe: I’m going to go see Mom.
POTUS: And you’re coming tonight.
Zoe: Yeah.
POTUS: Thanks.

Toby: It’s a stealth fighter; it should have stealth capabilities, right?
Josh: Sure
Toby: ‘Cause if it doesn’t, we should really call it something else.

Charlie: Zoey, I work in the White House with some of the smartest people in the world
(Josh goes to sit in his chair and falls on the floor)

CJ: I have to congratulate you, Carol. I was afraid I was going to see Saudi Arabia spelled with a ‘y’.
Carol: CJ, I’m a much better speller than you give me credit for.
CJ: Yes. One "l" in Tel Aviv.
Carol: Okay.

Danny: CJ, I’m not staying in the penalty box forever. I’ve covered the White House for eight years, and I’ve done it for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I’m telling you; you can’t mess me around like this.
CJ: Danny, I got to tell you, that was, seriously, that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don’t know why you decided to be the most haughty on the Dallas Morning News.

Mrs. L: You needed to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.
POTUS: Do you see me walking out the door?
Mrs. L: No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.

POTUS: Actually, I’m an economics professor. My great-grandfather’s great-grandfather was Dr. Josiah Bartlet, who was the New Hampshire delegate to the second Continental Congress, the one that sat in session in Philadelphia in the summer of 1776, and announced to the world that we were no longer subjects of King George III, but rather a self-governing people. We hold these truths to be self-evident, they said, that all men are created equal. Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up. Class dismissed. Thank you everyone. God bless you. And God bless America.

SS Agents: (VO as Fade to Black) Oh, god, we’ve got people down. People down, people down! Who’s been hit? Who’s been hit?


IN THE SHADOW OF TWO GUNMEN PART 1

BARTLETT: This is... my daughter is throwing up on the floor in the car behind us. You're losing blood by the liter, not to mention how many broken bones you got in your hand, but let's make sure that I'm tucked in bed before we do anything...
Blood has started coming out of the president's mouth.
BUTTERFIELD: Mr. President?
BUTTERFIELD quickly checks the president for a possible injury. He feels blood near BARTLET's stomach.
BUTTERFIELD: G.W.! Blue! Blue! Blue!
The limousine makes a quick 180-degree turn.

BARTLETT: (indicating Ron) This guy's got about seven broken bones in his hand, by the way. If somebody wants to give him an aspirin or something...

NURSE: I need to ask you some questions, sir. Do you have any medical conditions?
BARTLETT: Well... I've been shot.

BARTLETT: She booted all over the back of her car. You know they're gonna bill me for that.

LEO: Come to Nashua Thursday night.
JOSH: Why?
LEO: Because that's what sons do for old friends of their fathers.
LEO starts to walk away.
JOSH: Mr. Secretary...
LEO: Leo.
He stops and looks back.
JOSH: Leo, the-the Democrats aren't gonna nominate another liberal academic former governor from New England. I mean, we're dumb, but we're not that dumb.
LEO (beat) Nah. I think we're exactly that dumb.

NANCY: Good evening everybody. Mike, could you have somebody send over some clothes from my office, please? I look like an idiot.

LEO: Jack, what's the best way to get a message to Iraq?
JACK: The king of Jordan.
LEO: All right.
ARMY MAN: Leo. What do you want the message to be?
LEO: Don't mess with us tonight.

WOMAN: You've been a... um, uh, what did you call it?
TOBY: Professional political operative.
WOMAN: You've been one your whole life.
TOBY: Well, there was a while back there when I was in elementary school.


ITSOTG Part 2

CJ: We're confirming now that a suspect is in custody, and is being questioned by federal law enforcement. At this time, we cannot, we are not releasing any information whatsoever about the suspect.
Steve: Can you tell us anything, his name, where he's from, his ethnicity, if you guys suspect a motive?
CJ: Yes, Steve, I can tell you those things, because when I said that we weren’t releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except than his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motives are.

CJ: How much does it pay?
Toby: How much were you making before?
CJ: $550,000 a year.
Toby: This pays $600 a week.
CJ: So this would be less.
Toby: Yes.

Josh: Well, I feel bathed in the warm embrace of the candidate.
Leo: He's very easy to like, once you get to know him.
Josh: How many people get that far?
Leo: Not that many.
Josh: Okay.

CJ: Hey, Spanky.
Sam: Oh, God, what did I do?
CJ: Take a walk with me, would you?

CJ: This is our 5th press briefing since midnight. [CUT back to CJ] Obviously, there's one story that going dominating news around the world for the next few days, and it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman, and Stephanie Abbott were the only victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a Biology Teacher and she was a Nursing student. Tina Bishop and Linda Larkin were killed with a gun last night, they were 12. There were 36 homicides last night. 480 sexual assaults, 3,411 robberies, 3,685 aggravated assaults, all at gunpoint. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States himself was shot last night while surrounded by the best trained armed guards in the history of the world. Back to the briefing.
[CUT TO: Danny and Leo]
Danny: She's good.
Leo: Yes, she is.

Bartlet: Did he like that you were in politics?
Josh: I think he would have liked grandchildren more.
Bartlet [chuckling]: He would've.
Josh: He liked that I was working for you. He liked that we were starting to do well. He would've liked tonight. At least his friends and neighbors will be spared all the . . .you know . . .
Bartlet: He'd have been doing some bragging?
Josh: Yeah and your name wouldn't have come up, by the way. "My son won the Illinois primary tonight". Three more hours and he would have been able to say that. He'd have been proud.
Bartlet: He was already. Trust me, Josh, I'm a father. He was already.
Josh: I appreciate that, Governor. You should really get back to the hotel.
Bartlet: Nah, I'm okay.
Josh: Sir, not that I don't appreciate you coming down here, but there's a ballroom full of people waiting for a victory speech.
Bartlet: They'll wait.
Josh: Yeah, they will, but the people watching television won't.
Bartlet: I've been a real jackass to you, Josh.
Josh: Well.

Bartlet: To everybody. Toby Ziegler, CJ Cregg, Sam Seaborn.
Josh: Yeah.
Bartlet: Don't think I don't know what you gave up to work on this campaign and don't think that I don't know your value. And I'll never make you think I don't again. You gotta be a little impressed that I got all those names right just now.
[Josh chuckles]
Flight attendant [VO]: Delta Airlines Flight 175 to Kennedy international now boarding -
Josh: They're calling my flight. [Gets up]
Bartlet: You want me to go with you?
Josh [stops]: Go with me?
Bartlet: Maybe you want some company on the plane [Starts to feel all his pockets for his wallet] I could get a ticket and come with you.
Josh: Governor! California. You have to go the ballroom and give a Victory speech in primetime and go to California.
Bartlet: I guess you're right.
Josh [laughing]: You guess I'm right? Listen to me, Governor, if you don't lose this election, it isn't going to be because you didn't try hard enough. But it was nice of you to ask. Thank you, I appreciate.
Bartlet: They're calling your flight.
[Josh turns to board the plane, taking one last look at Bartlet, who nods encouragingly to him. Josh boards the plane. Leo walks up behind Bartlet]
Leo: Is he going to be all right?
Bartlet: He's going to be fine.
Leo: Good.
[Bartlet turns around to face Leo]
Bartlet: Leo?
Leo: Yeah?
Bartlet: I'm ready.
[Leo grins in understanding, then joins Bartlet as they walk out of the terminal, several people recognizing Jed and stopping to shake his hand]
Bartlet [VO]: Tonight, what began on the commons in Concord, Massachusetts, as an alliance of farmers and workers, of cobblesman and tinsmiths, of statesmen and students, of mothers and wives, of men and boys, lives two centuries later as America! My name is Josiah Bartlet, and I accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States!

[Josh opens his eyes slowly and looks around, muttering something as camera pulls back from his face. He is surrounded by Leo, the Doctor, and POTUS, who leans in]
POTUS: I couldn't hear you, Josh.
[POTUS leans in closer, and then pulls back]
Leo: What did he say?
POTUS: He said, "what's next?"
[POTUS lays his hand on Josh's head as the camera fades to black]


MIDTERMS

C.J.: Psychics at Cal Tech and the FERMI National Accelerator Lab are close to announcing what.....
Josh: Physicists! Theoretical physicists at Cal Tech...
C.J.: Not psychics?
Josh (vo): No.
C.J.: I should jot that down.
Josh: Please.

Leo: C.J.
C.J.: Leopold.
Leo: Mention the HUD secretary is announcing changes in the underwriting criteria for the Federal Housing Administration.
C.J.: Well, the network's gonna want to break in with special coverage for that.
[Leo isn't amused by that]
Leo: The adjustment are in FHA related lending.
C.J.: Seriously, they're going to need time to put together a logo and theme music.

C.J.: Oh, Holy Interruptus, Batman!

Jed: Good morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word 'aculculia' means?
Sam: It's the inability to form arithmetic functions. I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?
Jed: Yeah, but I'll get over it.

Margaret: Do you know what 'acalculia' means?
Zoey: Yes, because I got it at breakfast.

Zoey: Hey, Leo.
Leo: Hey, kid.
Zoey: I was looking for my father.
Leo: He's making campaign calls.
Zoey: He's not in the Office.
Leo: He's making them from the Residence.
Zoey: Why?
Leo: You're father has a very strict interpretation of something called the Pendleton Act, which prohibits campaign donations to be solicited on government property.
Zoey: It's a little impractical for the President to step across the street to use the pay phone, isn't it?
Leo: Exactly.
Zoey: Isn't the Residence government property, too?
Leo: Yes.
Zoey: They why....?
Leo: Because your father is a demented, demented man. I'm going over there.
[They start to leave Leo's office]
Zoey: Leo, these last few days, do you feel like Charlie's been....
Leo: No.

Jed: < Big sigh > This is real and a man, who makes the Spanish Inquisition look like a Barbara Walters Special, is now polling at 46% in your school district, for which I have personally baked things to raise money. (to C.J.) You can go, too.
C.J.: You baked things? (She's a bit amused by this information)
Jed (sternly): You can go.
C.J.< more seriously >: Thank you, Mr. President

Josh < vo >: Hey, Leo. You know, there's a.... something called the Superstring Theory. Which at it's most basic level says that the universe consists of these tiny loops of string that vibrate at different frequencies.
[Leo finds this information a bit inane]
Leo: How did that bullet not kill you?
Josh: Just lucky, I guess.

C.J.: Then that's the way it is. In a democracy, oftentimes, the other people win.

Jed: Toby, I'm drinking the most fantastic thing I've ever tasted in my life: chocolate syrup, cold milk, and seltzer. I know it sounds terrible, but trust me, I don't know where this has been all my life.
Toby: It's called an egg cream, Mr. President. We invented it in Brooklyn.
Jed: In Brooklyn.
Toby: Yes, sir.
Jed: Not New England?
Toby: There are some good things in this world not from New England, sir.
Jed: Toby, don't ever let me hear you say that again.

Jed: There'll be crab puffs. New England crab puffs, by the way, made in New England.
Sam: Actually, it's Alaskan crab.
Toby: Sam.
Jed: There's Alaskan crab in this White House?
Toby: He wouldn't have known the difference.
Jed: Have you tried them?
Sam: I.... yes, reluctantly. I think it was clear the way I ate the crab puffs that it was a gesture of protest.
Jed: Were they good?
Sam: Extraordinarily good and going very fast.
Jed: Let's get there.

Leo: Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?
[Charlie's a bit taken aback by that suggestion]
Charlie: Hey, Leo....
Leo: Secret Service protection, Charlie. But thanks for loading me up with that image.
Charlie: Yeah, we'll have extra protection.

C.J.: Hey! You're wearing my pajamas.
Josh: Yes, I am.
C.J.: Take your coat off, let's see.
[Josh stands up and shrugs off his coat to reveal oversized light blue pajamas that are 3 sizes too big]
C.J.: Those are too big.
Josh: Yes, they are. All this time I've been working with you, did you also think I was playing power forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers?


AND SURELY IT’S TO THEIR CREDIT

TOBY: By the way, you are a beautiful woman. And no one around here has ever assumed you were either ambitious or stupid.
C.J.: Toby, it took two years.

C.J.: Hey, has Leo told Tribbey about his new Associate Counsel yet?
TOBY: I'll check the wire to see if any maimings have been reported, but I don't think he's told him yet.
C.J.: Should be some decent dinner theater.
TOBY: Let me know if you need me on Captain Queeg.

AINSLEY: Oh, I just want to die.
LEO: This is the White House, you get used to that feeling.

AINSLEY: It's not going to be fine. He's gonna yell, and scream, I've seen him on TV.....
LEO: Well, that's TV, he's making a full-throated defense of the President! That's what we do. Believe me, in real life, when the cameras are off.....
There is a loud crack heard from outside. Ainsley jumps and attempts to hide behind Leo. Lionel Tribbey walks in. He is very tall and has a cricket bat in his hand.
TRIBBEY [screaming, looking nowhere but at Leo]: I will kill people today, Leo! I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands!

LEO: She's working for you, Lionel!
TRIBBEY: Excuse me?
LEO: She's working for you. The President asked me to hire her for your office.
TRIBBEY: The President of..... WHAT asked you to hire her for my office?
LEO: The United States.
TRIBBEY [pauses, then laughs hysterically, while swinging the bat on his shoulder]
'Scuse me! [walks out of the office.]
Leo turns to Ainsley.
LEO: I thought it went pretty well.

POTUS: Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison. [puts on his glasses and collects papers from his desk] Let's try again.

TOBY: What are you doing?
SAM [slaps a fat book on his desk and stands up]: Trying to help Josh with his insurance thing. The hospital was 'out of network.' Therefore, they're claiming responsibility for only 20% of a life-saving medical procedure. Also, he didn't get the procedure [snorts] cleared beforehand. TOBY: His lung was collapsed, and blood stopped flowing to his brain, and he was supposed to dial up the automated 24-hour customer care service line?
SAM: If it keeps up like this, he is going to have to sue these people.
TOBY: I like a country where you can sue the insurance company but not the people who shot you. [sighs, turns to leave]

INT CHARLIE'S DESK (in Mrs. L's office?)
MRS BARTLETT: (Entering)Charlie
CHARLIE: (Standing)Good Afternoon, Ma'am.
MRS BARTLETT: Charlie, is the president free for a moment?
CHARLIE: He's in the Roosevelt Room with the Far East Advisors. Would you like me to go?
MRS BARTLETT: No, no, no don't interrupt him. Korea might have more plutonium. Just give him a message for me, would you?
CHARLIE: Sure
MRS BARTLETT: You'll want to write this down. (Charlie reaches for pen and paper)Your blood pressure is 120/80.
CHARLIE: How did you know that, Ma'am?
MRS BARTLETT: I'm saying his blood pressure.
CHARLIE : Uh. Is 120/80?
MRS BARTLETT: Yeah. Your EKG shows a good sinus rhythm.
CHARLIE: Ok.
MRS BARTLETT: No evidence of ischemic change.
CHARLIE: How are we spelling - ?
MRS Bartlet: It doesn't matter...... Your electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits, chest x-rays are clear, and prostate screens are fine.
CHARLIEL Ok
MRS BARTLETT: So, we can have sex now.
CHARLIE (Pauses): Ok, that's not me and you now, right?
MRS BARTLETT: GO!
CHARLIE: (Quickly) Yeah. (Charlie leaves to deliver the message. Mrs. Bartlett sits on Charlie's desk)
MRS LANDINGHAM: (Entering) Good afternoon, Mrs. Bartlet.
MRS BARTLETT: Good afternoon, Mrs. Landingham.
MRS LANDINGHAM: How are you today?
MRS BARTLETT: Oh, I'm just fine, thank you.
MRS LANDINGHAM: Are you looking for the President?
MRS BARTLETT: I imagine he'll be along in a moment.
(Door slams and President Bartlet enters hurriedly)
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: Really???
MRS BARTLETT: Oh, yes.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Good afternoon, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: Good afternoon, Mrs. Landingham
MRS LANDINGHAM: Is there anything I can?
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: (To Mrs. Landingham) Go away right now.
MRS LANDINGHAM: (To President Bartlet) You seem a little tense, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: (To Mrs. Landingham) Not for long, Mrs. Landingham.
MRS BARTLETT: (Standing) Why don't WE go inside? (Walking toward Oval Office)
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: Absolutely!
MRS LANDINGHAM: (Following) Sir, would you like me to inform Mr. McGarry and the advisors that they could--- (President Bartlet slams door just before Mrs. Landingham enters)
MRS BARTLETT: Blood Pressure 120/80
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: Who cares??? It's been 14 weeks!! Do these curtains close?
MRS BARTLETT: Not here, Jed!
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: Yes, yes. You're right..... WHERE?
MRS BARTLETT: How about our bedroom?
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: New Hampshire is an hour and a half away by plane; I don't think I have that kind of time.
MRS BARTLETT: How about our bedroom in the residence?
PRESIDENT BARTLET (Excited) Yes!!! We have a bedroom right here in the building. That was so smart!
MRS BARTLETT: Yes
PRESIDENT BARTLETT Let's go!
MRS BARTLETT Jed!!
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: What?
MRS BARTLETT: Korea? Plutonium?
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: Oh God..... I hate plutonium!
MRS BARTLETT: We have to find time before six.
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: What happens at 6?
MRS BARTLETT: I have to fly to Cochran's Mills, Pennsylvania.
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: Where the hell is Cochran's Mills?
MRS BARTLETT: Pennsylvania.
PRESIDENT BARTLETT: Right.
MRS BARTLETT: So you talk to Charlie. I'll talk to Lilly. We'll co-ordinate our schedules and we'll find a free hour.
PRESIDENT BARTLET (Grabbing her, smiling) I don't think it's gonna take more than a couple of minutes, but I like your confidence.
MRS BARTLETT (Smiling) Just get back to work.
PRESIDENT BARTLETT Can't we just close the curtains??
MRS BARTLETT Just get back to work!
(They kiss.)

LEO (beat) (turns to Josh) What do you need?
JOSH: Sam was talking to me. The Southern Poverty Law Center...
TOBY: We know.
JOSH: What do you think?
TOBY: Well, I'm not wild about it.
JOSH: Why?
TOBY: Our people can be deposed too, which leaves them vulnerable to embarrassing questions like, "Have you ever tried cocaine?" They can ask Sam has he ever slept with a prostitute?
JOSH: Those questions are irrelevant.
LEO: That's why they'll ask them. If one of our people refuses to answer, it's a story.
TOBY: So we're not wild about it.
LEO: That said, say the word, and we'll take a leave of absence and join your legal team.

POTUS: What time is it?
CHARLIE: It's 5:45 sir.
(POTUS gets frantic)
DONNA: Here we go.
ENGINEER: In five...
POTUS: Excuse me... No. I can't. I've got to go.
DONNA: Sir...
POTUS: Kids, I am *so* sorry. I have to go now, to a special meeting... of the government. I will mail you all an autographed copy of the picture we took together. One day, you will all understand. (POTUS exits)
CUT TO OUTSIDE OF WHITE HOUSE
(CHARLIE and DONNA follow)
CHARLIE: Mr. President...
POTUS: Take a break, Charlie.
CHARLIE: She's not there, sir.
POTUS: I'm going to a special meeting...
CHARLIE: ... Of the government. Yes, sir. She had to go to Pennsylvania early. (beat) Would you like to come back inside and take another swing at the radio address?
POTUS: Sure. Would you like to get that smile off your face before I send you on special assignment to the Yukon?
CHARLIE: Yes, sir.

AINSLEY: Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me *tomorrow*? Tomorrow is Saturday; I will be here. You can call me and be rude by phone or you can stop by and do it in person. 'Cause I think if I have to endure another disappointment today from this place that I have *worshipped*, I am gonna lose it. So if you could wait until tomorrow, I would appreciate it. [turns and leaves]


SHIBBOLETH

SAM: Well over three and a half centuries ago, sprinkling by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes.
TOBY: Sam...
SAM: It’d be good.
TOBY: Read the thing.
SAM: By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs and by night, they solve crimes.
TOBY: Read the thing.
SAM: Pilgrim detectives.
TOBY: Do you see me laughing?
SAM: I think you’re laughing on the inside.
TOBY: Okay.
SAM: With the big hats.
TOBY: Give me the speech.

C.J.: I’m the Thanksgiving cruise director around here.

C.J.: That’s ‘cause every time we come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
TOBY: We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
SAM: And possibly a new action-adventure series.
TOBY: Nobody here has checked out.
JOSH comes up behind C.J.
JOSH: Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row, it came out tails.

C.J.: And I'm to choose the more photogenic of the two to receive a Presidential pardon.
DONNA: Yeah.
C.J.: Okay, I have actually a Masters degree from the University of California at Berkeley.
DONNA: That's a good school.
C.J. Yeah.
The turkeys start making noises as C.J. stares incredulously.
DONNA: They eat grain or really whatever's lying around, and Troy doesn't like to be touched.
C.J. stares at TROY.
C.J.: Okay. I'd like to be alone now.
DONNA: I understand.

JOSH: Good morning everyone. Welcome. Good morning, Mary.
MARY MARSH: Josh, the White House will face considerable embarrassment if the president continues to maintain his stranglehold on indifference when it comes to persecuted Christians around the world.
JOSH :Okay, we’re done with good morning.

CALDWELL: Good morning, Toby.
TOBY : Good morning, Reverend.
CALDWELL: You look determined.
TOBY: I am, sir.
CALDWELL” Good boy.

AIDE #3: Don’t be cute.
TOBY: I can’t help it.

BARTLET: There are some sandwiches here. If you get hungry, feel free to eat as much as you want.
JHIN-WEI: Yes sir.
BARTLET: There are questions as to the veracity of your claim to the asylum.
JHIN-WEI: Yes sir.
BARTLET: How did you become a Christian?
JHIN-WEI:I began attending a house church with my wife in Fujian. Eventually, I was baptized.
BARTLET: How do you practice?
JHIN-WEI: We share bibles--we don’t have enough. We sing hymns. We hear sermons. We recite the Lord’s Prayer. We are shareable.
BARTLET: Who’s the head of your church?
JHIN-WEI: The head of our parish is an 84 year old man named Wen-Ling. He’s been beaten and imprisoned many times. The head of our church is Jesus Christ.
BARTLET: Can you name any of Jesus’ disciples? (beat) If you can’t, that’s okay. I usually can’t remember the names of my kids, or for that matter...
JHIN-WEI: Peter, Andrew, John, Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, Thaddeus, Simon, Judas and James. (beat) Mr. President, Christianity is not demonstrated through a recitation of facts. You’re seeking evidence of faith, a wholehearted acceptance of God’s promise for a better world. “For we hold that man is justified by faith alone” is what St. Paul said. “Justified by faith alone.” Faith is the true... uh, I’m trying to... shibboleth. Faith is the true shibboleth.
BARTLET: (beat) Yes it is. And you sir, just said the magic word in more ways than one. Thank you.

TOBY: Listen. I don’t know what you’re doing for dinner tonight, but Josh and Sam and I...
C.J. It’s about damn time you asked me! I have been sitting here for two weeks turning down all kinds of very, frankly, glamorous invitations from people I like more than you. You can’t ask a girl at the last minute...
TOBY stops.
TOBY: Well, if you can’t come...
C.J.: No. I can come. I can come. I can come.

BARTLET: Mrs. Landingham, can I look at a copy of the Thanksgiving proclamation?
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Sir, why don’t you use the Intercom?
BARTLET: ‘Cause...
MRS. LANDINGHAM: ‘Cause you don’t know how to use the Intercom.
BARTLET: I was standing at the door.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Maybe after the ceremony, you could get one of the fourth graders to come in and show you how to use the Intercom.

CHARLIE: Okay, Mr. President. I say this with all possible respect, but each of these knives cut, you know, meat. Why is it important?
BARTLET: Because it’s something we pass on. Something with a history so we can say, “My father gave this to me. His father gave it to him, and now I’m giving it to you.”
CHARLIE: Well, okay sir, but if that’s true, then why don’t you already have one?
BARTLET: I do have one.
CHARLIE: Why do you need a new one?
BARTLET: I’m giving mine away.
CHARLIE: To who?
BARTLET: Whom.
CHARLIE: To whom?
BARTLET: Funny you should ask.
He opens a desk drawer from his left and pulls out what looks like an antique knife case, nicely wrapped with a piece of red ribbon.
BARTLET: Charlie, my father gave this to me, and his father gave it to him, and now I’m giving it to you.
He extends his hand to offer the knife case to his personal aide. CHARLIE gently takes it and gazes at it for a moment.
BARTLET: Take a look.
CHARLIE unties the red ribbon and opens the case to reveal the knife inside, in which he stares at it admiringly.
BARTLET: The fully tapered bolster allows for sharpening the entire edge of the blade.
CHARLIE: It says, “P.R.” I thought I knew all, but I don’t recognize the manufacturer.
BARTLET: Yeah. This was made for my family by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere.

C.J. (approaches) They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children’s zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
BARTLET: If the Oscars were like that, I’d watch.

BARTLET: Well over three and a half centuries ago, strengthened by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs. Now therefore I, Josiah Bartlet, President of the United States, by virtue of authority and laws vested in me, do hereby proclaim this to be a National Day of Thanksgiving.”
SAM: I’ll see you out there, sir.
SAM walks out to the colonnade.
JOSH: You asked the Governor to stand down the 22nd Division.
BARTLET: (taking off his glasses) And call in the Red Cross. We didn’t do anything illegal. We’re not involved in any massive criminal conspiracy. There’s no way I was letting them go, and we needed to help China save face, so now they can tell their people that the mighty American military was overpowered by...
JOSH: Yeah.
BARTLET starts to head out to the colonnade.
JOSH: So the guy passed the test, huh?
BARTLET: You think I would’ve sent him back if he’d failed catechism? Let me tell you something. We can be the world’s policemen. We can be the world’s bank, the world’s factory, the world’s farm. What does it mean if we’re not also...
He pauses for a moment, smiling a little. From a distance we hear several children starting to sing.
BARTLET: We’ve made it into the New World, Josh. You know what I get to do now? I get to proclaim the National Day of Thanksgiving.
HERALD (OS)Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the President of the United States.
BARTLET (to Josh)This is a great job.

CJ: In the following days we'll be meeting with the Reverend Al Caldwell, members of the Beijing Embassy and INS agents. The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings so it's entirely possible that by week's end we will have alienated Christians, China and our own government.

Bartlet: If you think I can pardon a turkey, then you have got to go back to your school and insist that you be better prepared to go out in the world.
Donna: You can't pardon a turkey?
Bartlett: No, I tell you what I can do. I'm drafting this turkey into military service. In the meantime somebody will be drafting a check which will have my signature on it so the folks can buy themselves a butterball.


GALILEO

BARTLET :Say the name.
C.J. I said the name.
BARTLET Say it again. Your imagination, like a child, will explode with unrestrained possibilities for adventure.
C.J. (with gusto)Galileo V!
BARTLET You didn't say it right.
C.J. I said it fine!
BARTLET Say it again.

BARTLET (to Tate) He's gonna make some changes.
TATE (following Sam) You're going to clear them with me?
SAM I doubt it. (to a recording staffer) Write this: "Good morning. Eleven months ago a 12-hundred pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago..." Is it eighteen hours ago? We're on the air at noon eastern.
C.J. Yeah.
SAM "Eighteen hours ago it landed on the planet Mars. You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here, at the White House, are going to be the first to see what it sees, and to chronicle an extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called Galileo V."
BARTLET (taps C.J. on the arm) He said it right.

C.J. 687 days.
CAROL Yeah!
C.J. goes back in her office as TOBY enters.
TOBY Hey Carol.
CAROL Hey Toby.
C.J. (comes out of her office again) A Martian year is 687 days.
TOBY Yes. (clears throat) Did you see this morning's news report?
C.J. I'm boning up on my Mars.
Both enter her office.
TOBY C.J.?
C.J. (walks over to desk and sits) He thinks he's so smart just because, you know, he's so smart.
TOBY Did you see this morning's...
C.J. Of course I saw the news report! I highlighted your copy!
TOBY You didn't highlight the green bean story!
C.J. No, I thought it was best just to alert Justice Department Officials.

DONNA (reading) The process by which a stamp enters circulation begins with the American Public...
JOSH Well, that’s always our first mistake.

DONNA: Let’s put him on a stamp.
JOSH: Let’s put you on a stamp.

DONNA: That’s idiotic.
JOSH: Oh, like it’s the first time.

JOSH We think if we hit the ground hard enough, we can make it to the center of the planet and find water?
TOBY Yeah.
JOSH That’s not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E. Coyote?

SAM (CONT)I don’t know, I don’t even know what dating is anymore.
TOBY Well, that’s 20 seconds of my life I’m never going to get back.

CHARLIE (reading) “After intermission, they’ll be performing the world premiere of a piece...”
BARTLET Played on teapots and gefilte fish.
CHARLIE (reading) “...by a new Icelandic composer.” They told me he got so nervous when he heard you were coming that he was rewriting the piece until 6 o’clock.
BARTLET If he wants more time, I’d be happy to take a rain check.
CHARLIE I thought you liked classical music.
BARTLET This is not classical music. It is not classical music if the guy finished writing it this afternoon.

BARTLET Why is he hiding from Mallory?
C.J. Do you really want to know?
BARTLET Not at all.
C.J. I didn’t think so.

CHARLIE Education’s a serious thing. Crime, jobs, national security. In 18 months, I’ve been to Oregon four times, and not a single person I’ve met there has been stupid.
C.J .Everybody’s stupid in an election year, Charlie.
CHARLIE No. Everybody gets treated stupid in an election year, C.J.

DONNA: The Luna Moth has its own stamp.
JOSH What’s a Luna Moth?
DONNA It’s a moth, and you don’t see the National Organization of Entomologists freaking out.
JOSH: No, but I’d pay good money to see that.

Leo: You want to mock people or let me talk to Toby?
Josh: I want to mock people

CJ: Let me say first that you were right and I was wrong.
Toby: And the oddsmakers take a beating.
v Donna: You know what I'm saying
Josh: Hardly ever.

Toby: {Talking about the spacecraft Galileo} then it entered a communications blackout period and hasn't been heard from since. I know how it feels.

CJ: I have to go to the Kennedy Center and be with people who don't like me
Toby: You can do that right here.

CJ: We have at our disposal a captive audience of school children. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand cause they think they're going to be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, 'You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it’ . . .. Some of them will laugh and most of them won't care but for some they might honestly see that it's will see that its about going to the blackboard and raising your hand.

Leo: Sir. Let's play a game of 'Who Do You Think I'm Going to Agree With'? Fourteen doctors say you should wait another week before assuming a campaign schedule. Who do you think I'm going to agree with?
Potus: Get away from me.
Leo: Yes, Sir.


NOEL

KEYWORTH: We're from ATVA.
JOSH: Yeah.
KEYWORTH: That's the American Trauma Victims Association.
JOSH: Yeah.
KEYWORTH: We're commonly called in by the government to work with trauma victims. I'll give you some examples. The pipe bomb at Lancaster Middle School. We worked with the parents and the kids...
JOSH [interrupts]: Tulsa, Hurricane Beth, the Chatham fires, the Iowa tornadoes, the FBI raid in Rock Creek.
KEYWORTH: So, you are familiar with us?
JOSH: Dr. Keyworth, I'm the Deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee 1100 White House employees. I answer directly to Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. Do you think you're talking to the paperboy?
KEYWORTH: No.
JOSH: In your wildest dreams did you imagine that I'd walk in this room without knowing exactly who you are and what you do?
KEYWORTH: No.
JOSH: Then why did you lie to me right off the bat?

TOBY: Let me tell you something: the last 2 Christmases in this White House I've been accused of not being in the proper spirit. I was called names. Not this year! For the next 3 weeks, I will be filling this lobby with music in the mornings and evenings so that we may all experience this season of…[turning to musicians with annoyance] Would you people stop playing for one damn minute! [Brass quintet dies out] …this season of peace and joy.

C.J.: You see, you try very hard to be mean, but then you see that being nice is better.
BERNARD: You're a freakish tall woman.
C.J.: So that moment's over?
BERNARD: Yes.

STANLEY: You have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
JOSH: Well, that doesn't really sound like something they let you have if you work for the President. Can we have it be something else?

JOSH: I broke a window!
STANLEY: Yeah. Stop doing that. I wanna commend you on not hurting anybody else and not hurting yourself too badly, but nevertheless, stop doing that. [Gets up from the chair.]

JOSH Stanley, I haven't told you my dreams yet!
STANLEY [off-screen]: Fax ‘em over to me!

JOSH [turns]: Did you wait around for me? [Leo takes off his glasses] He thinks I may have an eating disorder.
LEO [gets up]: Josh.
JOSH: And a fear of rectangles. That's not weird, is it? I didn't cut my hand on a glass. I broke a window in my apartment.
LEO: This guy's walkin' down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up: "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up: "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." [Josh looks at Leo.] Long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand? [Gestures to Josh's hand] You wrapped that yourself, right?
JOSH [raises eyebrows]: The bandage?
LEO: Yeah.
JOSH: Yeah.
LEO: Ok, Donna's gonna take you to the emergency room.
JOSH: She knows?
LEO: She was the one who guessed.
JOSH: I don't need the emergency room.
LEO: Come on, it could be infected, you could have a thing.
JOSH: What thing? [Donna enters with Josh's coat]
LEO: How the hell do I know?
JOSH: Leo...[looks at Donna]
DONNA: Let's go. [Helps Josh on with his coat]
JOSH: See you later.
LEO: Ok.
Josh and Donna leave. Leo stands for a minute then leaves. Carolers can be heard singing "Carol of the Bells."
CUT to White House gates. Carolers are singing. Josh and Donna come through gates
JOSH: I don't need a doctor.
DONNA: Are you a doctor?
JOSH [looks at Donna]: No.
DONNA: Then be quiet. [Josh and Donna stop in front of the carolers. Josh listens with a distant look on his face. Donna looks at Josh.] Josh?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Let's go.
JOSH: Ok.


THE LEADERSHIP BREAKFAST

JOSH: You want to stand them in a tripod right?
SAM: Yeah, standing 3 sticks on an end and slanting them to a common center.
JOSH: Isn't that a tripod?
SAM: Yeah, but...
JOSH: You just thought you'd say more words.
SAM: Yeah.

JOSH: Could you possible get us some dried leaves?
DONNA: Yeah, I'll just run out to the forest and be right back.
Donna leaves.
SAM: You know what?
JOSH: You think she was being sarcastic?
SAM: Yeah, I don't think she's getting the leaves.

LEO: It's a breakfast. Toby, it's a pancake breakfast. There's nothing in that memo that's important.

POTUS: We're having Vermont maple syrup?
TOBY: Mr. President, if you read item 4 you'll see that time at this breakfast will be spent discussing calling the Patient's Bill of Rights the Comprehensive Access and Responsibility Act. POTUS: I don't give a damn if they call it the Monroe doctrine. What the hell are we doing serving Vermont maple syrup?
TOBY: On the minimum wage, if we all turn our attention to item 5 of the Rules of Bipartisan Breakfast.
LEO: They're guidelines. You keep calling them rules.
TOBY: Margaret, what does it say at the top of the memo?
Margaret: Rules for Bipartisan Breakfast.
LEO [to Margaret]: I keep meaning to fire you.
Margaret: Yeah.
POTUS: New Hampshire syrup is what we serve in this White House.
SAM: Sir.
POTUS: It's a breakfast. We eat. We pose for pictures. You do a post-game conference. Everybody gets the hell out of here and I don't have to be Officer Krumpky

BARTLET: That's a great question, Charlie, and I could tell you, but I think it's better if you look it up on your own.
CHARLIE: I'll hit the library as soon as I get off work tonight at one am.

DONNA: Josh, this was delivered by messenger.
JOSH: What is it?
DONNA [lifts the yellow envelope to her eyes]: It's...wait...wait...no. Damn, my x-ray vision is failing me today.

LEO: Shake my hand.
Toby does.
LEO: We just formed it.
TOBY: Formed what?
LEO: The Committee to Reelect the President.


Bartlet’s Third State of the Union

Josh: Excuse me...What are you doing?
Female Caller: I'm just...
Josh: You were putting gum in your mouth?
Female Caller: Yeah, cause that's what I...
Josh: 'Cause that's a good idea to be chewing gum when you're taking a poll for the President of the United States. That's the sound people like to hear over the phone.
Male Caller: The poling hasn't started yet.
JOSH turns to the man.
Josh: Well, thank you... Mr. Helper.
DONNA walks by rescuing the Callers.
Donna: Josh.
JOSH follows her.
Josh: Yeah.
Donna [smiling]:These people have done this before.
Josh: They're not our people
Donna: They're Joey Lucas' people.
Josh: None of them have accents?
Donna: They're all out of the Midwest.
Josh: I'm saying Joey Lucas is deaf. She would have NO way of knowing....
JOSH suddenly turns.... Josh [yelling]: Do any of you people have accents?
Donna: Oh my God...

Josh: Where the hell you been?
Joey/Kenny: My plane had mechanical difficulties.
Josh: This is the State of the Union. There was nothing you could do about it?
Joey/Kenny: No. Because as a child I never paid attention during airplane mechanics class.

Sam: Can I see you over there?
C.J.: Can we do it here?
Sam: Why?
C.J. I'm not wearing any pants. Can we do it here?
Sam: Where'd you get the bathrobe?
Carol: The Gym.
Sam: They have bathrobes at the gym?
C.J.: In the Women's locker room.
Sam: But not the men's.
C.J.: Yeah.
Sam: Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and 50 women....
C.J.: Yeah, and it's the bathrobe's that's outrageous.

Charlie: The President was balancing his checkbook?
Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.
Charlie: Why?
Mrs. Landingham: He does it to relax.


War At Home

BARLTET:(Taking a drag and cocking his head) I'm not allowed to smoke inside anymore.
LEO: I thought you were allowed to do pretty much whatever you want?
BARTLET: . . .up to the point where you accidentally burn holes in priceless antiques.

TOBY: We've upset him?
SAM: Yeah.
TOBY: Well, we're going to have to learn to live with that pain.
SAM: Look--
TOBY: --He's not the President of the United States. He's a junior Senator from North Dakota where nobody lives! 'Cause it's too cold and they don't have a major sports franchise.

CJ: The Post is calling it "sleek, challenging, and often times witty," not, unlike myself. . .

TOBY: Where's Josh?
CJ: He went back to the phone banks.
TOBY: Is the electricity back on?
CJ: No.
TOBY: Then what's he doing there?
CJ: Hoping the electricity goes back on. [walks away]
TOBY: Well that ought'a do it. [heavy sigh]

DONNA: Can I tell you something about women?
JOSH [immediately withering against the counter, sighing and rubbing his face]Oh God please don't. . .
DONNA [matter of fact-ly]: They like to be wooed.
JOSH: Donna . . .
DONNA: She wants you to ask her out Josh.
JOSH: She really doesn't.
DONNA: You're missing the signs.
JOSH: I'm really not
DONNA: I know a thing or two about the ways of love.
JOSH: No you don't.
DONNA: You're missing the signs.
JOSH: I'm thinking of firing you.
DONNA: You fired me twice already tonight, I'm impervious.
JOSH: Among other things.

BARTLET: I inherited the war on drugs from a President who inherited it from a President who inherited it from a President. . .before that. I'm not a hundred percent sure who we're fighting but I'm sure we're not winning. Ten years ago we spent $5 billion fighting drugs and we did such a good job that last year we spent $16 billion. Sixty percent of Federal prisoners are in jail on drug charges, as opposed to two and a half percent in jail for violent crime. [Growing angry] We imprison a higher percentage of our citizens than Russia did under Communism and South Africa under Apartheid. [Josh looks a bit concerned -he can feel a political nightmare coming up within a show or two] Somewhere between fifty and eighty-five percent of our prison population has a drug or alcohol abuse problem. We've tried "just say no," I don't think it's going to work.

Josh: I'm in some hellish hold world of holding.

LEO: How're you doing Ainsley?
AINSLEY: I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
LEO: OK. Well now I am too.

BARTLET: Why were you in the closet?
AINSLEY: I had to pee.
BARTLET [with mock indignation]: They won't let me smoke inside but you can pee in Leo's closet.

JOSH: The good enough reason is you give in to terrorists -- it gives them a pretty good incentive to keep terrorizing.
DONNA: Not negotiating with them hasn't given them much of a disincentive.
JOSH: How do you know?
DONNA: Please. . .
JOSH: You don't think they're going to kidnap five more guys tomorrow morning and demand twelve months of free cable?
DONNA: So you give them free cable.
JOSH: How about the keys to the Situation Room?
DONNA [Pauses]: You draw a line.
JOSH: Where?


JOSH: A five day waiting period, that's all. A person can't wait five days to buy a gun? If someone needs a gun right now, right this second, isn't that something the public should be concerned about?
DONNA: On the other hand taking the feelings of gun owners into account, if you've got to shoot somebody, it probably isn't something that can wait.

DONNA: Mind if I take off?
JOSH: What time is it?
DONNA: 2AM
JOSH: Ok, we'll call it a full day. But come in early tomorrow.
DONNA: Yeah.

BARLTET [seating himself behind his desk] I'll tell you something Leo, [facetiously] after heroin and cocaine, tobacco is next.
LEO: Great. Another criminal empire we can give birth to. There'll be speakeasies all over Chicago where you can get smuggled cartons of Marlboro lights. [sits down] I fought a jungle war. I'm not doing it again. If I could put myself anywhere in time, it would be the Cabinet room, on August 4, 1964. When our ships were attacked by North Vietnam in the Tonkin Gulf. I'd say, "Mr. President. . .don't do it. Don't consider authorizing a massive commitment of troops and throwing in our lot with torturers and panderers, leaders without principle and soldiers without conviction; no clear mission, and no end in sight. This war is at home. The casualties are in our prisons, and not our hospitals. The amount of money the American government is spending in Columbia is the exact same amount American consumers are spending buying drugs from Columbia, we're funding both sides of this war and we'll never win it that way.


Ellie

JOSH: Efficiency, Donna.
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Efficiency and professionalism, and we're out of here at nine o'clock on a Wednesday night.
DONNA: Doesn't hurt the President's in Tokyo.
JOSH: Yeah, well, there does seem to be a little less work to do when he's in a different hemisphere, but nonetheless...
DONNA: Efficiency and professionalism.
JOSH: With a healthly dollop of leadership skills... the well-placed, well-worded memo. Nobody goes off the reservation, everybody does their job.

JOSH: What's she talking about?
DONNA [reading]: "Do you favor the decriminalization of marijuana?"
JOSH [reading]: "That's not for me to say. I can tell you that marijuana poses no greater public health risk than nicotine or alcohol..."
DONNA [reading]: "...and doesn't share the same addictive properties of heroin and LSD."
JOSH [reading]: "Yet, bizarrely, to many of us in the health care profession, the law categorizes it as a Schedule I narcotic while putting a government seal on a pack of cigarettes."
DONNA: Yeah, somebody didn't get your memo

JOSH: It gets a lot worse. [he paces with his hand on his forehead]
C.J.: "Marijuana poses no greater public health risk than nicotine or alcohol… doesn't show the same addictive properties as… bizzarely categorized as… and I quit!

JOSH: All right. First things first: what time is it in Tokyo?
TOBY: They're fourteen hours ahead.
JOSH: I thought it was thirteen.
TOBY: Eastern daylight.
JOSH: So it's fourteen hours ahead.
TOBY: Yes.
JOSH: Are we sure it's ahead, and not behind?
C.J.: Guys, their clock’s on the wall.

Josh: I had about nine people on the conference call at several points of longitude

C.J. I'm the enforcer, Sam. I'm gonna crush him, I'm gonna make him cry, and then I'm gonna tell his momma about it!

DONNA: In a free society, you don't need a reason to make something legal -- you need a reason to make something illegal.

SAM: It says that we should stand by the Surgeon General.
TOBY: Actually, it says that we should stand by the Sturgeon General.
SAM: Does it?
TOBY: Yeah.
SAM: I meant Surgeon General.
TOBY: Well, I think we should stand by her too. I just wanted to make sure we were agreed that smoked white fish was pretty much on its own.

TOBY: The first thing I have to do is be nice to a liberal Democratic Congresswoman.
SAM: Will that be hard?
TOBY: Well, it was when I was married to her.

TOBY: No. But I bring you here, and we sit, and we have coffee, and we have Danish, in the hope that calmer and (dare I say) prettier heads prevail.
ANDY: Oh, I miss patronizing, sexist Toby.
TOBY: I was referring to myself.

MARGARET: Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?

ELLIE: I didn't do it to make you unhappy, Dad.
POTUS: Well, you sure didn't do it to make me happy!
ELLIE: I don't know *how* to make you happy, Dad! For that, you've got to talk to Zoey or Liz.

ROSS: Well, thanks to that ad, I've got exhibitors in Mississippi, Oklahoma and Alabama, pulling the film!
SAM: I've read the press synopsis of the film, and if the exhibitors put you on every screen of every multiplex in every mall you still wouldn't do any business in Mississippi, Oklahoma or Alabama.
ROSS: You're an industry expert now.
SAM: No, but you are. Which explains a lot to me about Hollywood. And you know the ad was going to get you more business than you lost and that's why you went on Imus and said what you did.
ROSS: I'm here for a Sam Seaborn scolding?
SAM: Yeah. Because it makes me crazy, Morgan, this is exactly the kind of thing that should be celebrated by First Amendment advocates. Charlie was offered a choice and he made one. Why aren't you standing up, saying, "See, it works! You don't need to ban movies like "Prince of New York", you just have to choose not to watch them!" And Morgan: you ever call the President a coward again for your own PR purposes, it's not going to be C.J. Cregg you gotta deal with, it's going to be me. You understand what I'm saying, right?
ROSS [very slowly]: Yes.
SAM: Now why don't you go back to your meeting and show me how much you want to make it up to us. Sam sits down at his desk, Ross leaves. Toby walks by and throws Sam his rubber ball.
TOBY: Good job.
Sam smiles.

BARTLET: Tell C.J., when she gives Millie our support on Monday, she can mean it.
JOSH [stands up]: You know, it's going to seem to some people like you did it becase your daughter asked you to.
BARTLET: You know, Josh, I think if you ever have a daughter, you're going to discover there are worse reasons in the world to do something

Dr. Millicent Griffith, Surgeon General: If PIXALADD wants to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without throwing up, he should put the bong back in the closet behind the Allman Brothers albums, where it belongs.

Josh: When does he leave?
CJ: 7 p.m., Thursday.
Josh: Tomorrow?
CJ: Yes.
Josh: Local time?
CJ: Which local, theirs or ours?
Toby: It will be 7 p.m. Thursday in Japan when he leaves.
Josh: And he lands here when.
Sam: Okay, the flight is thirteen hours long …
CJ: This isn’t happening.
Sam: He’s going to travel Eastward from Tokyo, leaving at seven pm, so when he crosses the international dateline …
Toby: He will have traveled back in time to what?
Sam: 3 a.m.
CJ: Which puts him down in Washington at 6 pm Thursday.
Josh: He’s gonna land in Washington an hour before he took off?
Sam: Yeah.
Josh: And that’s not a story that beats the Surgeon General?

Josh: This clock should be in military time.
Sam: Yeah, ‘cause that’s less confusing.
Josh: The man’s gone a hundred and fifty hours. How can it be Thursday the whole time?
Sam: Listen. Japan is nine hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time …
Josh: Don’t.

Dr. Griffith: As a doctor, I have an obligation to tell the truth. Come to think of it, as a person I have that obligation, as well.
Josh: The truth is different if you're a GP or a member of the Stanford Faculty Club than if you're the country's chief medical practitioner.
Dr. Griffith: Well, no, I think truth is pretty much truth across the board, never more so than if you're the country's chief medical practitioner.

Josh: Did you know the number gets even higher than that if you limit the polling sample to Bob Marley and the Wailers?

CJ: I’m gonna crush him.
Sam: CJ.
CJ: This guy's trying to get a little free media by screwing with us.
Sam: Look …
CJ: I'm the enforcer, Sam. I'm gonna crush him, I'm gonna make him cry, and then I'm gonna tell his mama about it.
Sam: You’re not going to make him cry.
CJ: You want to watch me make him cry?
Sam: I believe that you can make him cry, I'm saying you're not going to do it.

Man: Toby, it's not that we don't understand your predicament. But I'm telling you, the commission will not be credible with our people unless there's someone on it who's a friend of labor.
Lenny: And a friend of seniors.
Toby: The President's a friend of labor, a friend of seniors, a friend of small animals …
Lenny: Toby.
Toby: We're running out of time, Lenny. We announced this thing at the State of the Union; we've got to get it going.
Lenny: The State of the Union's your problem. Nobody brought us in.
Toby: Yes.
Man: And I for one am not sure I see a need for emergency-like speed.
Toby: Really?
Man: If current economic conditions continue …
Toby: Forever? You mean if we never have another recession ever again? Then the fund can withstand all of 30 years before going bankrupt. Unfortunately, the actuarial tables say I won't be dead yet. Guys, Gillette's a tough needle to thread. I want to know that we have your trust, that whoever we do get will look out for your interests and that you therefore will support the Commission. (Long silence)
Toby: Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?
Man: Maybe if we, uh, talk some more.
Toby: Oh, could we?

Donna: Josh, is there anything to suggest that there are a significant number of people who want to smoke pot but don't because it's against the law?

Josh: There isn't. Donna: Then why do you think if it were decriminalized there'd be a sudden stampede of people showing up to work stoned, dragging down the economy and clearing supermarket aisles of Pringles and Twinkies?
Josh: That's not a reason to make it legal.
Donna: In a free society, you don't need a reason to make something legal, you need a reason to make something illegal.

POTUS: Who’s against us so far?
Josh: The Judiciary Committee, Government Reform and Oversight, Appropriations …
POTUS: Appropriations?
Josh: They control the Surgeon General's budget.
POTUS: Who’s coming to her defense?
Josh: The Cannabis Society, the Cannabis Coalition, E Cannabis Unum, the American Hemp League, and Friends of Mary Jane.
Charlie: Sir.
POTUS: Yeah?
Charlie: Sam’s waiting to see you.
POTUS: Yes, I understand I've been congratulated for denouncing a movie I've never heard of.
CJ: Yes, sir.
POTUS: I've got to hand it to you guys you've pulled off a political first. You've managed to win me the support of the Christian Right and the Cheech and Chong Fan Club in the same day.

Toby: Good to see you. Thanks for coming. You look fantastic.
Congresswoman Wyatt: Thank you. How've you been, Sam?
Toby: Sam’s great.
Sam: Fit as a fiddle, Andy. Although, to tell you the truth, I found …
Toby: Nobody cares.
Sam: Yeah.

Toby: Labor wants Gillette on the Commission.
Wyatt: Yes.
Toby: So does the AARP.
Wyatt: Yes.
Toby: It's very important to them.
Wyatt: Yes.
Toby: Do you know why?
Wyatt: ‘Cause they've been very suspicious of the Commission since you announced it, and want one of their people protecting their interests.
Toby: We’re one of their people.
Wyatt: Have you had an easy time convincing them of that since you announced the Commission? Toby: No, but I bring you here, and we sit, and we have coffee, and we have Danish, in the hope that calmer, and dare I say prettier, heads prevail.
Wyatt: Oh, I miss patronizing, sexist Toby.
Toby: I was referring to myself.

Mrs. L: And what was the other one about?
Charlie: ’Prince of New York?’
Mrs. L: Yeah.
Charlie: It's an updated version of Dostoyevsky's ‘The Idiot’ which tells the story of a Christ-like epileptic young man who embodies goodness, but encounters sex, crime, and family dysfunction.
Mrs. L: Hard to imagine why you didn't think the President would enjoy that, Charlie.
Charlie: Well he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.
Mrs. L: Charlie, please don’t say the word ‘erotic’ in the Oval Office.
Charlie: I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.

Margaret: Let me ask you this: red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?
Dr. Griffith: Let me tell you something, I'm not 100% sure we've ruled that out.

POTUS: Did you get down here okay?
Ellie: Yeah.
POTUS: Did you take an airplane?
Ellie: An airplane? No.
POTUS: A helicopter?
Ellie: No, the agents drove me.
POTUS: That's because you go to school at Johns Hopkins, right?
Ellie: Dad.
POTUS: And Johns Hopkins is in Baltimore? I’m asking ‘cause Baltimore is a 45 minute car ride from Washington, D.C., and we hardly see you anymore. So I thought either you transferred to a different medical school, they moved Johns Hopkins, or they moved Baltimore.

Andy: Why does this have to happen in secret?
Toby: 'Cause it's the only way it's gonna happen! 'Cause you can't solve Social Security and ask people to run for election at the same time. So why not give politicians some cloud cover and let them be lawmakers for a while? Fifteen people in a room with the door closed. Seven Democrats, seven Republicans, and the President of the United States, who will not have a vote, and they walk out of that room and with one voice, they make a recommendation to Congress and the American people. And nobody knows who was where.

CJ: OK, but that's the last thing I'm doing before I quit.

POTUS (to Dr. Griffith): "My father won't fire the Surgeon General. He would never do that." I wanted to be so mad at her. But the truth is...it's the nicest thing she's ever said about me.

POTUS: You know, Josh, if you ever have a daughter, you're going to discover there are worse reasons in the world to do something.

POTUS (to Ellie): All you have to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day.

Somebody’s Going to Emergency…

SAM: They're expecting trouble at the National Geographic Society?
LEO: I have no explanation.
SAM: Well, those little postcards they stick in the subscription magazines drive me out of my mind, so, maybe...

LEO: World Policy Studies is holding a forum this morning. I'm going to send Toby.
JOSH: That's a good idea.
LEO: Why?
JOSH: Well, 'cause you're not sending me.

LEO: Little thing called team morale, Josh. You gotta make people feel good about themselves. CUT TO: Leo and Josh enter, approximately 35 staffers standing or sitting at table.
LEO: All right, shut the hell up, everybody. I've fired more people than you before breakfast.

TOBY: In my day, we knew how to protest.
C.J.: What day was that?
TOBY: 1968.
JOSH: How the hell old were you when you were protesting?
TOBY: My sisters took me.
[Staffers chuckling]
TOBY: Anybody have a problem with that? LEO: No one has a problem with that.
TOBY: The police are always seven steps ahead of them. The cops know exactly where they're going to be and what's going to happen. You know how they know? By logging onto their website. We had the underground. We had rapid response.
C.J.: And by God, you were home by supper on a school night.

TOBY: You negotiated that?
C.J.: Yeah.
TOBY: They agreed to it?
C.J.: You want to make out with me right now, don't you?
TOBY: Well, when don't I?

LEO: Okay then. Andrew Jackson in the main foyer of the White House had a two-ton block of cheese.
JOSH: And a wheat thin the size of Lake Tahoe.

JOSH: I'm going to check in on Toby.
C.J.: Go.
JOSH: [to C.J.] These guys find Brigadoon on that map you'll call me, right?
C.J.: Probably not.
JOSH: Okay.

CHARLIE: Your brother's been speaking with Neda Wallin, counsel to the Bartlet Presidential Library Commission and apparently the site violates the Historic Barn and Bridges Preservation Act.
POTUS: Which says?
CHARLIE: I've got it here in my notes. "Requires that all non-housing farm and ranch structures built prior to 1900 be preserved by the owners unless destroyed by an act of God".
POTUS: What plaid flannel-wearing, cheese-eating, yahoo of a milkman governor signed that idiot bill into state law? [beat] It was me, wasn't it?
CHARLIE: Yes, sir

JOSH: Did you know that Lincoln signed a pardon on the day he was assassinated?
SAM: Yeah.
JOSH: You know the guy's name?
SAM: Patrick Murphy.
JOSH: You know what he was pardoned for?
SAM: Being a Union deserter.
JOSH: Am I annoying you?
SAM: A little bit, yeah.
JOSH: I was trying to make you laugh.
SAM: I appreciate that. Can I see your friend at the FBI?
JOSH: Yeah. Can I tell him why?
SAM: Yeah.
JOSH: Hey, you want to have a lot of fun? Seriously. Sit in on C.J.'s meeting with the Organization of Cartographers for Social Equality.
SAM: Where's the social inequality in cartography?
JOSH: I don't know. That's why I'm going.
SAM: You'll call the guy?
JOSH: Yeah.
SAM: Thanks.
JOSH: That a new shirt?
SAM: Yeah.
JOSH: Nice.

TOBY: Josh. The WTO is undemocratic, and accountable to no one, decisions are made by Executive Directors and the developing world has little to say about institutional policy.
JOSH: What was that?
TOBY: I protested to you.
JOSH: Why?
TOBY: 'Cause I'm not allowed to get arrested anymore.
JOSH: Let's go back.
TOBY: No, I hate these people with the heat of a nova. Yet here I go.
SACHS: Attaboy.
TOBY: Shut up.

SAM: It was high treason, and it mattered a great deal! This country is an idea, and one that's lit the world for two centuries and treason against that idea is not just a crime against the living! This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion. Of fidelity. You understand the last full measure of devotion to...Treason against them is... [he is almost crying]
DONNA: [softly] Sam...
SAM: There was a translator in the Hungarian trade mission named Shaba Demsky. She was murdered in 1952. She was about to reveal the name of a Soviet agent called Black Water. This girl's going to find out who her father was.
[He continues to climb stairs]
DONNA: Sam...[he turns] You meant grandfather.

JOSH: Hey...[Josh enters office] You should have seen Toby.
SAM: He was good?
JOSH: He blew the doors off the place. Then I almost got killed.
DONNA and SAM: How?
JOSH: I got hit with a piece of a banana.
TOBY: Let's go.
JOSH: [to Toby] You know what you are? You are old school, my friend.
TOBY: Stop talking like that. Let's go.
JOSH: Let me tell you something, though. That was the second time this year I almost got killed and both times I was with you so you're going to need a new wingman.
TOBY: You were my old wingman?


The Stackhouse Fillibuster

CJ: As soon as the filibuster is over, there'll be a vote, and once they've voted, I'll need my spin boys.

Sam: I'll miss the last train to Sag Harbor.
CJ: You can spend the night in New York.
Sam: I've only got two nights and you've got to see this house.
CJ: It's cool?
Sam: It's a Frank Lloyd Wright.
CJ: Isn't it cold in Sag Harbor right now?
Sam: We wear sweaters. It's a Tommy Hilfiger ad.

Josh: I’m going to Port St. Lucie, which may not mean anything to you, but happens to be the spring training home of the New York …
CJ: New York Jets, yes, you told me. Josh, you can watch basketball on TV.
Josh: Yes, except the New York Knicks are a basketball team, the New York Jets are a football team, Port St. Lucie is the spring training home of the New York …
CJ: Mets, yes, damn it, I’m inadequate.
Josh: A weekend at spring training, CJ Mike Piazza is going to be standing in the batting cage, he’s going to turn and see me, he’s going to say ‘Dude.’
CJ: Well, I wouldn’t want you to miss a legitimate dude sighting.
Josh: So, I can take off?
CJ: No.

CJ: I’m supposed to be in Napa right now for my dad’s 70th birthday, you hear me complaining?
Toby: You just did.
CJ: Get out.
Toby: It’s your dad’s 70th birthday?
CJ: Yeah.
Toby: You doing anything?
CJ: Yeah, we’re all getting together in Napa.
Toby: I meant right now.
CJ: No, I’m sitting and waiting. I’m ordering pizza; I’m catching up on emails.
Toby: All right. I’ve got a basketball game on in my office if you want to come by.
CJ: Is it the Jets and the Mets?
Toby: It’s the Nets and the Hawks. The Jets and the Mets?
CJ: I know the teams, I’m joking when I do this, I’m joking when I do this.

Mark: CJ, it's Friday night, I'm supposed to have dinner with my girlfriend. She's gonna kill me.
CJ: Yeah, but you know what, Mark? This is just the kind of thing that can cleanse the palate of a relationship that's gone stale, like a fine sorbet.
Mark: It's been going on for three weeks.
CJ: And she's already bitching about dinner?
Mark: CJ…
CJ: Lose her.

CJ: Women seeking abortions should not be required by law to be lectured at.
Josh: Yeah, but you're gonna help me out there.
CJ: Yes I will. I will once again betray the sisterhood.

Sam: Nice job.
Josh: I know, I’m thinking seriously about turning pro.
Sam: Yeah?
Josh: Yeah, I got agents talking to me, telling me I could go high in the second round, maybe low in the first if I have a good postseason.
Sam: You don’t want to stay and school and get your education?
Josh: Nah, I’m white, nobody will mind.

Charlie: CJ.
CJ: Charlie.
Charlie: Listen.
CJ: May I call you Chip?
Charlie: No.
CJ: Chipper?
Charlie: No.
CJ: Gilligan?

Carol: What do you need?
CJ: Some info, possibly a disguise, and a fast getaway car.

CJ: What are you up to?
Sam: Well, it’s a little complicated and it would be difficult to explain in layman’s terms.
CJ: You can put the black seven on the red eight.
Sam: Thanks.

CJ: Hey Sam, who's your favorite writer?
Sam: Toby.

CJ: I needed to tell someone, a cohort, someone with a criminal mind similar to mine. [Cut to Donna]

Josh: Sam, what are you doing?
Sam: I’m looking for a piece of fruit.
Josh: Can we show you something from the back, or …
Sam: I’m fine.
Josh: Okay, here’s one, uh, the White House has been instructed by Congress to compile a list of 400 government reports that should be eliminated as they serve little purpose and cost the taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars. We’ll assume, though the modifier was dangling, they mean the reports serve little purpose, not Congress itself. Who wants to lead it?
Sam: I will.
Josh: Right, you’re not in this meeting, you’re shopping for fruit.

Sam: Let me tell you people something, the GAO needs a little housekeeping, and that’s my nickname, okay, I’m ‘The Housekeeper.’
Toby: Hey.
Sam: God, that’s a terrible nickname.
Josh: Well, I’d start getting used to it for awhile.
Toby: Let me talk to you for a second.
Sam: I’m not going with that nickname anymore.

Sam: What’s your name?
Winifred: Winifred Hooper.
Sam: Should I call you Winnie?
Winifred: Not unless you want me to spit at you.
Sam: And I don’t.

Donna: I thought they weren’t playing yet.
Josh: It’s an exhibition game.
Donna: You’re flying to Florida to see the Mets play another team in a game that doesn’t count?
Josh: Actually, it’s an intra-squad game.
Donna: So, you’re flying to Florida to see the Mets play each other in a game that doesn’t count?
Josh: Yeah.
Donna: Okay, uh, there’s a Continental flight out of Dulles at 7 a.m., you change planes in Newark.
Josh: I got to fly to New Jersey to get to Florida?
Donna: Look …
Josh: Whatever, just make sure that tomorrow morning …
Donna: Mike Piazza calls you ‘dude?’
Josh: Yeah.

POTUS: Could Howard Stackhouse possibly be a bigger horse’s patoot?
Leo: I don’t know what part of the horse that is exactly, but I’ve always thought he was a decent guy.
POTUS: He’s a curmudgeon, a grouchy old crank.
Leo: So are we.
POTUS: You are, I am full of mirth.

POTUS: They thought I was gonna be eating with Abbey, so …
Leo: I know.
POTUS: We’ll just, you know, pretend there’s no candlelight.
Leo: Not that we’re not paranoid homophobes, or anything.
POTUS: Yeah.
(Leo’s cell phone rings & he answers it)
Leo: Yeah?
POTUS: Leo, you have a deputy who’s, frankly, quite smarter than you. Whatever it is, let him handle it. Who you talking to?
Leo: My deputy.

Charlie: Look, CJ, one of us is going to have to tell the President the statue’s broken.
CJ: It’s not broken.
Charlie: It is broken.
Donna: She crazy-glued it back together.
Charlie: You crazy-glued it?
Donna: I didn’t know what it was, I needed a potpourri holder. I have the ancient curse of Bast on me, so get off my back, Sparky.
Charlie: Okay, but when I tell him I’d leave out the part about the crazy glue.

Leo: I’m just asking how we’re gonna do this.
(Donna raises her hand)
Donna: Excuse me.
Leo: The chairman’s gonna gavel him off if he stops talking or sits.
Donna: Excuse me.
Leo: What are you doing?
Donna: I didn’t know if I’m supposed to …
Leo: We usually don’t raise our hands.
POTUS: Though, it’s not the worst idea in the world.

POTUS: Don't ever, ever, underestimate the will of a grandfather. We're madmen. We don't give a damn. We were here before you, and they'll be here after. We'll make enemies, we'll break laws, we'll break bones. But you will not mess with the grandchildren.
Leo: There was a bit too much sugar in the creme de carmel.

POTUS: I want to call Senators. We'll start with our friends, and when we're done with those two, we'll go to the other ninety-eight.

Toby: Mr. Vice President, what do you know that I don't?
VPOTUS: Toby, the total tonnage of what I know that you don't could stun a team of oxen in its tracks. Goodnight.

CJ: And that was it. Grissom gave him a rest and an opportunity to answer some real questions abut autism, and when Grissom was done, McNamara took over, and after McNamara came Gianelli -- grandfathers all. I'm going to have to finish this up now and go into the Press Room and explain what happened. There'll be no vote tonight, and the Senate will go home...
Josh: ...for the week, and since Stackhouse, with our help, blew the print deadline anyway, there's really no reason....
Sam: "...for Josh not to go back to the Conference Chairman and reopen the bill.
CJ: There are so many days here when you can't imagine that anything good will ever happen...
Josh: ...you're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self-promotion and stupidity...
Sam: ...and a brand of politics that's just plain mean.
CJ: Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of Big Oil, and yes, the President was making us nervous, too, but that's for tomorrow. 'Cause tonight I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting, and if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best, 'cause I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if twenty-eight U.S. Senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help. I'll catch the first plane out in the morning and if you wouldn't mind not turning seventy until tomorrow, that'd be great. In the meantime, I love you so much. Your daughter, Claudia.


17 People

TOBY: You see his itinerary for the weekend?
LEO: Who?
TOBY: The Vice-President.
LEO: I don't keep tabs on John.
TOBY: He's giving a speech at a semiconductor plant. The title of the speech is, "Clean air industry in the high-tech Corridor of the Industrial Northeast."
LEO: Where?
TOBY: Nashua, New Hampshire.
Leo takes off his glasses and sits back in the chair. Toby stares at him.
LEO: Toby, nobody, and particularly not Hoynes would be naïve enough… what I mean to say is if he's going to New Hampshire for the reason you're thinking he would mask it with something. It wouldn't be an official trip. He'd make up a benign excuse to be up there.
TOBY: I know.
LEO: So why are you concerned about the speech?
TOBY: Because it comes in the middle of a three-day camping trip to Killington.

DONNA Hello.
JOSH [following her] How you doing?
DONNA I'm doing fine.
JOSH Did you get the flowers?
DONNA Yes, I did.
JOSH Did you like them?
DONNA They were very pretty.
JOSH Do you know why I sent them to you?
DONNA I know why you think you sent them to me.
JOSH It's our anniversary!
DONNA No, it's not.
JOSH I'm the kind of guy who remembers these things!
DONNA No, you're the kind of guy who sends a woman flowers to be mean. You're the only person I've met who can do that!
JOSH I'm quite something.
DONNA Yes.
JOSH I sent them to mark an occasion!
DONNA Are we really going to do this every year?
JOSH For I am a man of occasion!
DONNA I started working for you in February, this is April, and you're an idiot.
JOSH You started working for me once in February.
DONNA Yes!
JOSH And then you started working for me again in April, and that's the one I choose to remember, because it's the only one that wasn't followed by you not working for me and going back to your boyfriend, and how you can call me mean in comparison to that and him is another in a long -
DONNA Oh, shut up! Honest to God, don't you ever get tired of the sound of your own voice?
JOSH No, no, no

JOSH All right here's a joke based on the premise is that the party afterwards is hard to get into and the President is the Commander-In-Chief. "I hear the Bloomberg party is gonna be hard to get into this year but I'm not worried. I'm going the party with the 82nd Airborne."
DONNA And then the President says "Wow, I haven't heard a room this quiet since we lost the signal on Galileo."
JOSH Or "Wow, I haven't seen my staff update their resumes this fast since the last time I tanked at the Correspondent's Dinner!" (yelling)
DONNA Josh.
JOSH Yeah?
DONNA (condescending) When you yell you make it harder for people to find the funny.
JOSH Hey, who gave you those flowers on your desk?
DONNA You mean a man who can't read a calendar?

Toby None of you were elected!
Bartlet I was elected, they were appointed. (pointing at LEO) The Vice President was elected. He has the constitutional authority to assume my…
Toby Not last May he didn't. (Toby rises) He didn't last May when you were under general anesthesia.
Bartlet That's because I never signed the letter and I don't think I got shot because I got MS.
Toby I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear, when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or….or foreign terrorism or even an act of war there was uncertainty as to who was giving the National Security orders and that was because you never signed a letter!
LEO looks uncomfortable. The President glares at TOBY
Toby I don't like to wonder, given your condition and it's lack of predictability why there isn't simply a ….signed letter sitting in a file…. someplace? And the answer is (laughs) of course, if there was a…a signed letter sitting in a file someplace,,, somebody would ask why.
BARTLET looks angrily at LEO.
Toby (angry) The Commander-In-Chief had just been attacked. He was under a general anesthetic. A fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal, state and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Delaware National Guard was federalized! The KH-10 showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. (yelling) And Twelve hours earlier an F-117 was shot down in the no fly and the Vice President's authority was murky at best!
Barely controlling his anger, BARTLET walks behind his desk
Toby The National Security Advisor and Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from! .
LEO looks back and forth between the President and Toby.
Toby I wasn't in the Situation Room that night but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that it was Leo….who no one elected!
BARTLET leans on his desk and glares at him.
Toby (angry) For 90 minutes that night there was a coup d'etat in this country.
BARTLET stands furious. LEO looks at TOBY.
Bartlet And the walls came tumbling down. I feel fine by the way….thanks for asking.
Leo Sir….
Bartlet (angry) No, Toby's concern for my health is moving me in ways…
Toby Mr. President….
BARTLET furiously throws the folder across his desk.
Bartlet (yelling) SHUT UP!!!
BARTLET stalks back around the desk and faces TOBY.
Bartlet (condescending) You know your indignation would be a lot more interesting to me if it wasn't quite so covered in crap!
CHARLIE stands in the doorway.
Charlie Sir…
BARTLET continues to glare at TOBY.
Bartlet Yeah.
Charlie Mr. Garrath.
Bartlet (acknowledges Charlie) Thanks.
CHARLIE quietly closes the door behind him.
Bartlet (angry) Are you pissed because I didn't say anything or are you pissed because there were 15 people who knew before you did? I feel fine by the way. Thanks for asking.

SAM When I was downstairs, I made a decision. I'm gonna register with the Republican Party - and I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
AINSLEY We also like beef.
SAM You know, you insist government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose - but don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom.
AINSLEY Yeah? And Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act except if you want to find out if your fourteen-year-old daughter's had an abortion...
SAM We believe in the ERA.
AINSLEY Well, go get em.
SAM How can you have an objection to something that says -
AINSLEY Because it's humiliating! A new amendment that we vote on, declaring that I am equal under the law to a man. I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article Fourteen that protects you, protects me. And I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen, there, a peach.

DONNA Joshua, Josh, Josh.
JOSH What the hell is happening now?
DONNA You feel, I believe, because you're quite addle-minded, that this job was my second choice.
JOSH Hey, I'm just grateful we were your last choice.
DONNA I'm gonna give you a little gift right now, which you don't deserve.
JOSH Donna, if you've got your old Catholic-school uniform on under there, don't get me wrong, I applaud the thought, but...
DONNA Okay, what I need is for you to stop being like, you, for a second.
JOSH Okay.
DONNA When I came back, you remember I had a bandage on my ankle?
JOSH Yeah.
DONNA I told you I slipped on the ice on the front walk?
JOSH Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you didn't put down the kitty litter.
DONNA I was actually in a car accident.
JOSH You were in a car accident?
DONNA It was -
JOSH Seriously - you were in an accident?
DONNA It was no big deal.
JOSH You told me it was a late thaw.
DONNA (smiles) Yes. I did. Anyway, they took me to the hospital and I called him and he came to get me and on the way he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer.
JOSH (incredulously) He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer?
DONNA Yes. And that's why I left him. Which was the point of my telling you this. I left him. So stop remembering that. What I remember is that you took me back when you had absolutely no reason to trust me again, and you didn't make fun of me or him and you had every reason to.
JOSH Donna…
DONNA You're gonna make fun of him now, aren't you?
JOSH No.
DONNA ‘Cause that's why I didn't tell you in the first place.
JOSH I'm not gonna make fun of him.
DONNA Good.
JOSH But - just what kind of a dumbkes were you…
DONNA He was supposed to meet some of his friends. He stopped on the way to tell them that he couldn't.
JOSH And had a beer?
DONNA Does this make you feel superior?
JOSH looks away and starts to say something, but doesn't.
DONNA Yes, you are better than my old boyfriend.
JOSH (stands up and walks toward the door, but stops in the doorway) I'm just sayin' - if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.
DONNA (stands up) If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. Thanks for taking me back. (walks out of his office) Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.


The Fall’s Gonna Kill You

OLIVER: Have you ever lied about the President's health. What is your answer.
C.J.: (pause) Many, many times

C.J. It could be anything with these Presidents. James Polk had diverticulitis.
BABISH Yeah.
C.J. Couldn't digest nuts. I'll tell you what else. One in forty American men wear women's clothing, and we've had well over forty Presidents.
BABISH Yeah.
C.J. I'm just sayin', one of these guys was dancing around the Oval Office in a prom dress. Now let's get to the bottom of that

SAM Henry, last fall, every time your boss got on the stump and said, "It's time for the rich to pay their fair share," I hid under a couch and changed my name. I left Gage Whitney making $400,000 a year, which means I paid twenty-seven times the national average in income tax. I paid my fair share, and the fair share of twenty-six other people. And I'm happy to Because that's the only way it's gonna work, and it's in my best interest that everybody be able to go to schools and drive on roads, but I don't get twenty-seven votes on Election Day. The fire department doesn't come to my house twenty-seven times faster and the water doesn't come out of my faucet twenty-seven times hotter. The top one percent of wage earners in this country pay for twenty-two percent of this country. Let's not call them names while they're doing it, is all I'm saying..

JOSH: You know, uh, Donna got a hold of this fax that was sent to the press office from the O.S.F. at NASA.
C.J.: What, something falling out of the sky?
JOSH: Yeah.
C.J.: We get that fax once a week.
JOSH: Yeah, but Donna doesn't know that. She thinks it's an emergency.
C.J.: And you didn't want to tell her?
JOSH: No, 'cause the other way you get a day's worth of entertainment without leaving the office. She doesn't know that these things fall out of the sky all the time... once every ten days, as a matter of fact. Since the first year we started putting man-made objects in space, 17,000 have come back and remarkably, not one person has been hit. [beat] So I suppose there's an argument to be made that we're due.
C.J.: Yeah. You picked me right up there, Josh.


18th and Potomac

Sam: Hang on, if we take him from the Mural Room for the press conference, isn’t a smart reporter going to ask, ‘Mr. President, are you planning on seeking reelection?
CJ: A smart reporter? Sam, Ted Baxter is going to ask ‘Mr. President, are you planning on seeking reelection?’

Charlie: Did you get an 8-speaker stereo?
Mrs. L: No.
Charlie: 6 speakers?
Mrs. L: No.
Charlie: How many speakers?
Mrs. L: I have 2 ears, how many speakers do I need?
Charlie: At least 6 and a subwoofer.
Mrs. L: I’m not getting a subwoofer.
Charlie: How about the tow package?
Mrs. L: The tow package?
Charlie: To tow your boat.
Mrs. L: I don’t have a boat.
Charlie: What about a camper.
Mrs. L: No.
Charlie: What do you tow?
Mrs. L: Groceries.
Charlie: You could probably put those in the trunk.
Mrs. L: Yeah.
Charlie: Tinted windows?
Josh: Hey.
Mrs. L: Hello, Josh.
Charlie: Mrs. Landingham’s picking up her new car today.
Josh: Really?
Mrs. L: Yes and I wish I hadn’t told anyone. Why do men think women can’t buy a car without a man?
Josh: It’s an old stereotype, Mrs. L. Did you get the extended service warranty?
Mrs. L: No.
Josh: Women.
Mrs. L: What do you want?
Josh: I got a message Leo wanted to see me.
Mrs. L: He’s in his office.
Josh: Did you get the tow package?
Charlie: See?

Leo: Margaret! Where’s Josh?
Margaret: He’s on his way.
Leo: He remembers where my office is, right?
Josh: Leo, calm down, I’m right here.
Margaret: He’s right here.
Leo: Get out.

Charlie: You want to know where you made your mistake?
Mrs. L: I didn’t make a mistake.
Charlie: You probably did, and here’s where you went wrong.
Mrs. L: Where?
Charlie: You went to the dealership alone.
Mrs. L: Yes.
Charlie: That was a mistake.
Mrs. L: Because the dealer would load me up with a lot of extras I don’t need?
Charlie: That’s right.
Mrs. L: Like a tow package?
Charlie: How are you going to tow your camper without a tow package?
Mrs. L: I have never been camping.
Charlie: Neither have I and I was hoping you’d take me.

Mrs. L: Good evening, Mr. President.
POTUS: Bob Cratchet.
Mrs. L: Oh, sir, surely you have better things to do than annoy me.
POTUS: Never. You bought a new car?
Mrs. L: Yes, sir.
POTUS: And you paid sticker price?
Mrs. L: Section 2635 …
POTUS: You need to look at the next page, Subsection B, Paragraph 4, Mammy Yokum.
Mrs. L: You know I could beat you up anytime, sir.
POTUS: Secret Service would have you down like a calf at a rodeo. 'The definition of 'gift' excludes opportunities and benefits, including favorable rates and commercial discounts, available to the public at large.'
Mrs. Landingham: I did look at the next page.
POTUS: And?
Mrs. Landingham: I work next door to the Oval Office, sir. 'Caesar's wife must be above reproach.'
POTUS: Is the reason you didn't tell me you were getting a new car...did you think I was gonna think it was an extravagance? …You don't think I think you should have a new car? Dolores, have you ever had a new car?
Mrs. Landingham: No… no. Henry would always go up to Calvin Hilly in Concord, and Calvin would give him a good deal on something reliable.
POTUS: How about you let me find out what you were supposed to pay and write you a check for the difference?
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, no. Thank you, but I'm buying this car myself. This car is going to feel good.
POTUS: Is it a nice one?
Mrs. Landingham: It's a beauty. It's blue, it has air conditioning -- I told them I could just roll down the windows, but it comes with it anyway -- Consumer Reports rates it very high, it's very safe...and when you get inside, there's this...
POTUS: Smell?
Mrs. Landingham: How did ya know?
POTUS: It's the smell of freedom...and the chemicals they treat the dashboard with. When are you picking it up?
Mrs. Landingham: Right now.
POTUS: Do me a favor would you? Come back here after you pick it up, I'd like to talk to you about something.
Mrs. Landingham: Yes sir.
POTUS: And put the car in the driveway, I'd like to kick the tires.
Mrs. Landingham: Why?
POTUS: It's an expression, Fannie Mae! Go get your car.

FLOTUS: You all right?
Sam: Yes, ma’am.
FLOTUS: Sure you don’t want some acetylsalicylic acid? Aspirin, my brother.
Sam: What a dumb major you had.

Oliver: Mrs. Bartlet, I want to talk to you about...
Abbey: Dr. Bartlet. When did I stop being 'Dr. Bartlet?' When in the campaign did I decide women were gonna like me more if I called myself 'Mrs.?' When did I decide that women were that stupid?

Leo: Both of you, listen. We're not going to stop, soften, detour, postpone, circumvent, obfuscate, or trade a single one of our goals to allow for whatever extracurricular nonsense is coming our way in the next few days, weeks, and months.
Toby: When did we decide this?
Leo: Just now… [to Josh re: Senators who don't support the Big Tobacco lawsuit] Light 'em up.


Two Cathedrals

Wade: I think the President has to strongly consider not running for reelection.
Leo: You think you're the first one to say it?
Wade: Leo --
Leo: You are, at minimum, the thirty-fifth in the last two hours.
Wade: Well, we're the ones that are talking to you now. And we're the ones that are asking. Is the President going to run for reelection?
Leo: Harry, Bill, there's going to be a press conference tonight. I'd watch.

Young Mrs. L: You missed a spot.
Young Jed: I didn’t miss it; I just haven’t gotten to it yet.
Young Mrs. L: Okay.
Young Jed: You have a habit of doing that, you know?
Young Mrs. L: What’s that?
Young Jed: Telling me I’m doing something wrong before I’ve had the chance to do it at all.
Young Mrs. L: Well, that must be a little annoying.

Young Mrs. L: Your car won’t start.
Young Jed: Yes.
Young Mrs. L: What’s wrong with it?
Young Jed: It’s possibly the starter motor or the fan belt.
Young Mrs. L: Do you know anything about cars?
Young Jed: No.
Young Mrs. L: Then how do you know …
Young Jed: ‘Cause those are the two things I’ve heard of.

Josh: Leo felt pretty strongly that we should light a fire under it so I wrote a pretty strongly worded release.
CJ: The White House. For immediate release. Off to the Press. Today the President calls on Congress… deserve their day in court, and this administration won't sit on the bench while well-fed members of the Appropriations Committee choke off funding for a lawsuit aimed at the perpetrators of hundreds of thousands of negligent homicides while filling their war chests… This is like the fire we used to throw in the early primaries.
Josh: Let Bartlet be Bartlet.

CJ: We’ll call them ‘Answer A’ and ‘Answer B.’
Josh: Yeah.
CJ: ‘Mr. President, does this mean you won’t be seeking a second term. Answer A is ‘You bet, I will absolutely be seeking a second term. I’m looking forward to the campaign. There is great work that is yet to be done.’
Josh: Yes.
CJ: Answer B …
Josh: ‘Are you out of your mind? I can’t possibly win reelection. I lied about a degenerative illness, I’m the target of a grand jury investigation, and Congress is about to take me out to lunch. I’d sooner have my family take their clothes off and dance the tarantella on the Truman Balcony then go through a campaign with this around my neck.’ You think that’s too on the nose?
CJ: I do.

Young Jed: Mrs. Landingham…
Young Mrs. L.: You know I'm right.
Jed: Look…
Dolores: You know I'm right, you've known since I brought it up, you've known before that.
Jed: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Dolores: I want you to bring it up with your father.
Jed: I'm not a woman, and I don't work here.
Dolores: The women who do are afraid for their jobs. If they bring it up they're afraid for their jobs. What is it you're afraid of?
Jed: Why do you talk to me like this?
Dolores: Because you've never had a big sister and you need one… Look at you, you're a boy king. You're a foot smarter than the smartest kids in the class. You're blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now; you must've sensed it. Look, if you think we're wrong, if you think that Mr. Hopkins should honestly be paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we're right, and you won't speak up 'cause you can't be bothered, then God Jed, I don't even want to know you… Come inside, I'll call triple A.
Jed: Ms. Willy gets half as much to teach music as Mr. Ryan get to coach crew.
Dolores: You're gonna do it.
Jed: Well, I didn't say that.
Dolores: You just did.
Jed: When?
Dolores: Just then. You stuck your hands in your pockets, looked away and smiled. That means you made up your mind.
Jed: That doesn't mean anything.
Dolores: Oh yes it does.
Jed: I stuck my hands in my pockets!
Dolores: And looked away, and smiled… We're in.

POTUS: You're a son of a bitch, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver, what, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman, a warning shot? That was my son! What did I ever do to yours but praise His glory and praise His name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year. Sixty-eight crew. You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns. Just goes around fixing other ships and delivers the mail. That's all it can do. Gratias tibi ago domine. (I give thanks to you, O Lord.) Yes I lied, it was a sin, I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? 3.8 million jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, thirty million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children. That's not enough to get me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto, a deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem. Tuus in terra servus, nuntius fui. Officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem. (Am I really to believe that these are that acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with your punishments. I was your servant here on Earth. And I spread your word and I did your work. To hell with your punishments. To hell with you.) You get Hoynes.

Donna: A tropical storm is a cyclone in which the maximum sustained surface speed is 34 nautical miles per hour.
POTUS: And there’s a tropical storm season, right?
Donna: Yes sir, it’s June 1st to November 30th.
POTUS: Okay, and how many times, say in the last 100 years, has a tropical storm come up the Atlantic seaboard to Washington in the middle of May.
Donna: According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, it hasn’t happened in the last century.
POTUS: At all?
Donna: No, sir.
(Knock at door)
POTUS: Yeah.
CJ: Excuse me, sir.
POTUS: Yeah, thanks, Donna.
Donna: Thank you, Mr. President.
POTUS: According to the NOAA, the storm is a nonrecurring phenomenon, which is science’s term for ‘We don’t know what’s going on but we’re stocking up on canned goods.’

POTUS: Mrs. Landingham!
Mrs. Landingham: I wish you wouldn't shout, Mr. President.
POTUS: The door keeps blowing open.
Mrs. Landingham: Yes, but there's an intercom, and you can use it to call me at my desk.
POTUS: I was…
Mrs. Landingham: You don't know how to use the intercom.
POTUS: It's not that I don't know how to use it, it's just I haven't learned yet… I have MS and I didn't tell anybody.
Mrs. Landingham: Yeah… So you're having a little bit of a day.
POTUS: You're gonna make jokes?
Mrs. Landingham: God doesn't make cars crash and you know it. Stop using me as an excuse.
POTUS: Party's not gonna want me to run.
Mrs. Landingham: Party'll come back. You'll get 'em back.
POTUS: I've got a secret for you Mrs. Landingham: I've never been the most popular guy in the Democratic Party.
Mrs. Landingham: I've got a secret for you Mr. President: Your father was a prick who could never get over the fact that he was never as smart as his brothers. Are you in a tough spot? Yes. Do I feel sorry for you? I do not. Why? Because there are people way worse off than you.
POTUS: Give me numbers.
Mrs. Landingham: I don't know numbers. Give them to me.
POTUS: How about a child born in this minute has a one in five chance of being born into poverty.
Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans don't have health insurance?
POTUS: 44 million.
Mrs. Landingham: What's the number one cause of death for black men under 35?
POTUS: Homicide.
Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans are behind bars?
POTUS: 3 million.
Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans are drug addicts?
POTUS: 5 million.
Mrs. Landingham: And one in five children in poverty?
POTUS: That's 13 million American children… 3 and a half million kids go to schools that are literally falling apart. We need one hundred and twenty seven billion in school construction, and we need it today.
Mrs. Landingham: To say nothing of 53 people trapped in an embassy.
POTUS: Yes.
Mrs. Landingham: You know, if you don't want to run again, I respect that. But if you don't run because you think it's gonna be too hard or you think you're gonna lose -- well, God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.


SEASON THREE

Isaac and Ishmael

Josh: This is the White House, the home of the President and the executive branch, the most powerful of the three branches of the federal government. Yeah?
Billy: Actually, Mr. Lyman, isn’t it true that the framers made sure the executive branch was the weakest of the three branches because we were breaking off from the royalist model that put absolute power in just one place? I mean isn’t that why they made the legislative branch, or people’s branch, the most powerful?
Josh: What’s your name?
Billy: I’m Billy Fernandez.
Josh: Okay, I’ll call you ‘Fred.’ A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. I don’t know how long we’re all going to be here, but you just made my list. Yes, I suppose technically, constitutionally, the legislative branch is the most powerful, but we get a motorcade, so back off.

Josh: I’ll tell you, right or wrong, and I think they’re wrong, it’s probably a good idea to acknowledge that they do have specific complaints. I hear them every day, the people we support, troops in Saudi Arabia, sanctions against Iraq, support for Egypt. It’s not that they just don’t like Irving Berlin.
Donna: Yes, it is.
Josh: No, it’s not.
Donna: I don’t know about Irving Berlin, but your ridiculous search for rational reasons why somebody straps a bomb to their chest is ridiculous.
Josh: You just called me ‘ridiculous twice in one sentence.
Donna: Hardly a record for me.
Josh: And you just made my list.
Donna: Nothing happens on the list.
Josh: It’s a serious list. But she does have a point, albeit college girlish.
Donna: Watch now as he puts me down and makes my point at the same time.
Josh: Hardly a record for me.


Toby: Kill ‘em all.
Kid: All the Islamic extremists?
Toby: No, no, I mean everyone. You’re all bothering me, I want to be left alone, clearly the way that’s going to happen is to be alone, so I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to let you all go. Except the Yankees and the Knicks, and the Yankees and the Knicks are going to need someone to play, so keep the Red Sox and the Lakers, and the Laker Girls, and the Palm, and we’ll need to keep the people who work at the Palm. But that’s it, though, the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Knicks, the Lakers, the Laker Girls, and anyone who works at the Palm. Sports, Laker Girls, and well-prepared steak, that’s all I need. Sometimes I like to mix it up with Italian and Chinese. All right, you can all stay but you’re on probation. Don’t forget, I was this close to banishing you.

Josh: This is Toby Ziegler and, actually, he’s in charge of crafting our message for the public. Toby: And, today, that message is?
Billy: Don’t bug me.

Toby: Yeah?
Girl: Pinochle’s a card game?
Toby: Yeah, I’ve changed my mind again. Kill ‘em all.
Josh: Laker Girls?
Toby: No, all right.
Kid: What was the first act of terrorism?
Toby: What was the first act of terrorism?
Josh: I could answer that, but I think he’s asking you.

Sam: By the way, the Arabic name for their secret order has survived until today. Can anybody guess what it was, the Arabic name? You know.
Billy: Assassins.
Sam: Assassins, that’s right.
Josh: Yeah, we don’t call on him.

Toby: What’s going on?
Sam: I’m supposed to be in a meeting at Treasury.
Toby: I had a 6:00 on the Hill, now I’m stuck here, you know, talking to well-dressed children who can’t vote.

Girl #2: Yeah, but weren’t we terrorists at the Boston Tea Party?
Sam: Nobody got hurt at the Boston Tea Party. The only people who got hurt were some fancy boys who didn’t have anything to wash down their crumpets with. We jumped out from behind bushes while the British down the road in their bright red jackets, but never has a war been so courteously declared with parchment, with calligraphy, and ‘Your highness, we beseech on this day in Philadelphia to bite me, if you please.’

C.J.: This song is called ‘CIA, Our Maligned Little Brother.’
Sam: Oh, God.
C.J.: We need spies, human spies. Spy satellites are great if you’re trying to detect whether or not Khrushchev put missiles in Cuba, but you want to hear a conversation over Turkish coffee in Khyber Pass, you need a spy. You guys want to get great jobs after college and serve your country? Study Arabic, Chinese, and Farsi.
Toby: Maybe this would be a good time for a course of our maligned little brother, civil liberties.
C.J.: Liberties, shmiberties.
Toby: C.J. Cregg, ladies and gentlemen.
C.J.: You know of a way to do this without tapping some phones?
Toby: What about illegal searches? What about profiling? You know what Benjamin Franklin said?
C.J.: He said ‘Hey, look, I’ve invented the stove.’
Billy: He said ‘They that can give up essential liberty to obtain some a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.’
C.J.: What’s your name?
Billy: Well …
Josh: I’m on it.

Charlie (to kids): Gangs give you a sense of belonging and usually, an income, but mostly, they give you a sense of dignity. Men are men and men will seek pride. Everybody here has got a badge to wear. "I'm the Deputy Communications Director." "I made Presidenital Classroom." "I know the answer. I'm going to Cornell." You think bangers are walking around with their head down, saying, "Oh, man. I didn't make anything out of myself. I'm in a gang." No man. They're walking around saying, "Man, I'm in a gang. I'm with them."

POTUS: Your women seem bright and lovely, the men disturbingly dense.
FLOTUS: Ignore him, God knows the rest of us do.
POTUS: Excuse me; weren’t you coming down to get me some apples and peanut butter?
Charlie: We’re out of apples, sir.
POTUS: So we’re stuck here, huh?
Kid: Yes, sir.
POTUS: Well, I live here.
Kid: Yes, sir.

POTUS: A martyr would rather suffer death at the hands of an oppressor than renounce his beliefs. Killing yourself an innocent people to make a point is sick, twisted, brutal, dumb-ass murder. And let me leave you with this thought before I go searching for the apples that were rightfully mine: We don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country but he'd much rather live for it.

Josh: Islamic extremists are to Islam as the KKK is to Christianity.


Manchester, Part 1

Reporter: The speech is done?
C.J.: It’s done. They’re just ironing a few things out.
Reporter #2: Toby and Sam don’t have any problem with Bruno’s people?
C.J.: Everybody’s getting along great. They’re dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's.
Sam: (coming out of office)This thing reads like an Andy Williams special. We’re starting all over again with a white piece of paper.
C.J.: I’m gonna go take my seat now.

Josh: Why aren’t you smiling?
Toby: I’m wet.
Josh: I’m wet and I’m smiling.
Toby: I’m smiling on the inside. Ginger.
Ginger: Yeah?
Toby: Public liaison wrote up talking points 2 hours ago, pull them, they’re no good anymore. Ginger: When are they gonna have new ones?
Sam: Public liaison?
Toby: Yeah
Sam: Half an hour.
Toby: 15 minutes.
(Sam and Toby start talking about getting tapes of the networks ending with …)
Sam and Toby: Broadcast.
Toby: Okay, let’s try and not do that a lot.

Leo: He’s not gonna apologize.
Bruno: Why not?
Leo: ‘Cause it’s his official campaign announcement and not Oprah Winfrey.
Bruno: Doing Oprah wouldn’t kill him.
Leo: I honestly believe it might.

Joey (Through Kenny): We gotta put another poll in the field.
Josh: What happened?
Joey (Through Kenny): My ride left without me.
Josh: Me too, I got a ride with Larry and Ed.
Joey (Through Kenny): Yes, didn’t you see me jumping up and down waving my arms in the air.
Josh: I just thought you were happy.
Larry: Me too.
Joey (Through Kenny): You’re an idiot.
Josh: Which one of us are you talking to?

Toby: Where’s the President?
Leo: In the residence.
Toby: How’s the first lady?
Leo: You know with everything on our plates, I don’t think we need to be marriage counselors.
Toby: Well, we should, because you and I would be really good at it.

Toby: C.J.
C.J.: Yeah?
Toby: You wanna play some pool?
C.J.: I don’t know how to play pool.
Toby: Then you wanna play for money?
C.J.: Sure.

Toby: What are you doing?
C.J.: I’m drawing inspiration from the strength of the Goff family. The descendents of Hunter John have been owners and operators of the Goff family mill for more than two centuries now. In 1845, when Theodore ‘Odie’ Goff was the proprietor, the mill burned to the ground. Well, that totally blows.

Doug: Bruno.
Bruno: I know, I know.
Doug: ’Let us shine a lot on dark places in America, places where all hope has been banished, places where our founders’ dreams have yet to be redeemed.’
Bruno: And then let us all kill ourselves and move to Pakistan.
Leo: Why are people here?
Bruno: Leo.
Leo: I came to the bar to have some privacy.
Bruno: Leo, I am reading things that would make the cast of ‘Up with People’ sit down on the floor and cry.


Manchester, Part 2

CJ: There's a snake over here.
Sam: What kind?
CJ: I don't know and I don't want to ask him. Can somebody shoot it please?

Josh: It's true, sir. America does not want Dr. Kevorkian to lead the country. We've got polling data on that.

Margaret: He's here.
Leo: Why didn't you send him in?
Margaret: He didn't have an appointment.
Leo: I did it.
Margaret: You did it yourself?
Leo: Yes.
Margaret: And you're not supposed to do that, are you?

Margaret (to Leo): Do I need to explain the rules for making appointments again. Are you confused?

Doug: Listen, it’s a simple occasion, Bartlet rules America. America rocks therefore Bartlet rocks.
Sam: America rocks?
Toby: Bartlet rocks?
Doug: Yeah.
Josh: He really doesn’t all that much.

Sam: Good news about Haiti.
Margaret: I say we should have gone in there with four tank divisions and turned the place into a casino.
Sam: Manifest destiny?
Margaret: Bet your ass.

Doug: I’m from Oregon. In Oregon, we like to see a man stand up and say he’s sorry. Where are you from?
Toby: Me?
Doug: Yeah.
Toby: I’m from the United States of Suck My …
Josh: All right.


Ways and Means

Josh: Were you here all night?
Donna: Is it daytime?
Josh: It’s 7:30
Donna: Usually when I stay up all night, I’m able to pass a 19th century English literature midterm. Josh?
Josh: Yeah?
Donna: I’m not going to have to take a 19th century English literature midterm, am I?
Josh: No.

Josh: Can I ask you something?
Donna: I had a plan.
Josh: When you say in one of these boxes …
Donna: I had a plan. Each box is numbered, there’s a piece of paper with a number and a corresponding description of the contents of each box.
Josh: Well, where’s the piece of paper? It’s in one of these boxes.
Donna: I had a plan. I grew up on a farm.
Josh: You grew up in a condo.
Donna: I grew up near a farm. I was cute and I was peppy, and I always did well on my 19th century English literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime.
Josh: Hey, I’m not the …
Donna: White-collar crime boy. You know what they do to a girl like me on that cellblock? I’ve seen those movies.
Josh: Yeah, me too.
Donna: I bet you have.
Josh: Look …
Donna: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckies.
Josh: Seriously, you need to sleep for awhile.
Donna: I can’t yet, ‘cause in one of these boxes are FedEx receipts and mail room records for any gifts or packages sent to senior staff and in one of these boxes is a piece of paper which says which box it’s in.
Josh: I’ll be in the office.
Donna: Your office is down a corridor about 200 feet from here; try not to commit any felonies on the way.
Josh: I’ll do my best.

Sam: So listen, there’s a fire in Yellowstone Park.
Josh: Well, put it out.
Sam: Technically, I’m not a professional firefighter; though there’s a time I wanted to be.
Josh: When?
Sam: When I was 4.
Josh: When I was 4, I wanted to be a ballerina.
Sam: Yeah?
Josh: I don’t like to talk about it.

Leo: Just remember, it’s a compromise, Josh. It’s done. You may not like it, but …
Josh: It’s a compromise.
Leo: I’m saying the two of you, when you don’t like something, have a tendency to …
Josh: Show our displeasure?
Leo: Piss people off.
Josh: That’s a bad rap; I’m sweet as pecan pie.
Leo: Yeah?
Josh: I hate these people, Leo, and when this thing is done I’m personally gonna screw them with their pants on.

Sam: Can you set up a meeting for me?
Leo: Yeah.
Bruno: I want one of my people there with him.
Leo: At the meeting?
Bruno: Yeah.
Leo: Why?
Bruno: ’Cause I do.
Leo: Sam can do this.
Bruno: I’m not saying he can’t, but I want one of my people there to make sure I get the story straight.
Leo: Sam will have the meeting and report back.
Bruno: Sam will have the meeting and one of my people will be there and they will report back. Time to distinguish between the White House and the campaign.
Leo: Sam does this for us.
Bruno: Does he do it right?
Leo: Oftentimes.
Sam: You guys know I’m sitting right here, right?
Leo: We’re gonna set up a meeting.
Sam: Okay. And we might want to think about putting this fire out.

Ainsley: Excuse me.
C.J.: Hey.
Ainsley: You need a haircut.
Sam: Shouldn’t you be someplace keeping me out of jail?
Ainsley: I’m on a break.

POTUS: Charlie!
Charlie: Yes, sir?
POTUS: Are we out of pens? That’s a good pen, I need an everyday pen.
Charlie: I’ve got pens.
POTUS: You’ve got crappy pens with plastic tops. I need a solid pen that feels good in my hand but it’s not so formal I feel like a dandy.
Charlie: I’m making some trips to pen stores, aren’t I, Mr. President?

Connie: So, the thing about me …
Sam: Yeah?
Connie: Is I’m a brilliant political mind.
Sam: Yeah?
Connie: Ph.D. in political economy from Oxford, that’s not an easy get.
Sam: Nope.
Connie: Bruno and Doug know that I can handle the tough meeting, that’s why they’re sending me with you to meet Victor Campos.
Sam: Yeah.
Connie: I have an exceptional mind.
Sam: But?
Connie: I don’t know who Victor Campos is.
Sam: Yeah.
Connie: Look, pal, I went to Oxford, okay, which is in England.
Sam: Hey, you weren’t kidding about that exceptional mind.
Connie: Sam.
Sam: England’s in Europe, right?

POTUS: The Governor of Wyoming was an inch-and-a-half away from calling me a pyromaniac tonight.
Leo: That’s surprising, because we really had respect for him before.
POTUS: I’m saying somewhere out there is a registered voter who’s thinking ‘You know, I thought I really liked this Bartlet fellow, but now that I see he’s in favor of fire …’

POTUS: Josh.
Josh: Yes, sir?
POTUS: A ballerina?
Josh: Yeah, I didn’t, I didn’t know what it was at the time. I liked the word.
POTUS: We’ll go with that for now.

Donna: Why are you a Republican?
Cliff: Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor and many of them talk funny and don't have proper table manners. My father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown, and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. (laughs) No, I'm a Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom and freedom stands opposed to constraints and the bigger the government, the more the constraints.
Donna: Wow.
Cliff: You agree with that?
Donna: No, it's crap, but you're really cute.
Cliff: Yeah.

Mark: Josh, you think the Black Caucus votes in a bloc and that they only care about the cities.
Josh: Surely, Congressman, the African-American community can think of better ways to spend $28 billion than a tax break that will benefit fewer than a 1,000 black families.
Mark: You're doing it again.
Josh: Mark.
Mark: The African-American community doesn't think one way about anything. .... The Black Caucus doesn't vote as one mind. I can't promise anything.
Josh: The veto's an awfully big risk to take if you can't promise anything.
Mark: Then the veto's an awfully big risk to take.


On the Day Before

Donna: Why don’t you just wear a pre-tied tie?
Josh: ‘Cause it’s not the same.
Donna: It looks the same.
Josh: At the end of the night you want to be able to pull it open and like Tony Bennett.
Donna: You think the tie is the only thing standing between you and Tony Bennett?
Josh: He’s also shorter than me.

Toby (to CJ): If all he wants to talk about is where he's from, where he went to school, and what his name is, you'll be fine.

Toby: They don’t have the votes to override.
Sam: Says you.
Toby: Says me, Josh, the Office of Political Liaison, Legislative Liaison, and the Minority Whip.
POTUS: Sometimes it’s like I don’t even need to be here.

C.J.: I’ve been seated next to a chemist tonight.
POTUS: Mullis?
C.J.: Twenty-three Nobel Prize winners in the East Room, I couldn’t get literature, or I don’t know, peace, or something?
Leo: What’s her problem?
Toby: She thinks she won’t be able to make conversation with a guy, but she’s wrong ‘cause she knows what year he was born and his name.

C.J.: Everybody’s getting lawyers and if you took immunity …
Charlie: I’d still need a lawyer.
C.J.: For a few hours, not a hundred hours.
Charlie: Look …
C.J.: I know what you’re thinking.
Charlie: I really can’t talk about it.
C.J.: Okay, I’m gonna change my clothes.
Charlie: I’ll watch. No.

Charlie; I can’t talk about it.
Toby: You don’t even know what I was gonna say.
Charlie: Immunity?
Toby: Yeah.
Charlie: I can’t talk about it.
Toby: Coulda been talking about a flu vaccine.
Charlie: That’s immunization.

Josh: I got away with this thing, but you should really learn to tie a bowtie.
Donna: Or you could.
Josh: Yeah, but that doesn’t seem that likely, right?

CJ (to Sherri Wexler): I changed my clothes because I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about the death of two teenagers while wearing a ball gown and you knew that because you're stupid but you're not stupid, you know what I'm saying? Security's gonna take your press credentials. You're gonna call my office every day and I'll decide if you get into the room. I'm taking your spot on Pebble Beach. You can do your stand-ups from Lafayette Park. One more word out of your mouth and every station in town but yours gets an exclusive with the President. Hunting season on me is over.


War Crimes

C.J.: Will Sawyer is that you?
Will: Yes.
C.J.: You back in the country?
Will: Yeah.
C.J.: You working for the San Francisco Chronicle now?
Will: No.
C.J.: Then you want to get your ass out of their chair?
Will: There’s assigned seating?
C.J.: You see the little brass plaques with the names of media outlets on the front of the seats?
Will: I thought that meant they made a generous contribution.

Charlie: How was church?
FLOTUS: It was fine.
POTUS: It sucked.
FLOTUS: Stop it.
POTUS: It sucked.
FLOTUS: You’re talking about church.
POTUS: Oh, like I’m not already going to Hell.

FLOTUS: ’Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by washing of water with the word, that he might present the Church to himself in …’ something.
POTUS: In splendor. And I have no problem with Ephesians. And anytime you want me to cleanse you with the washing of water you know I’m up for it.
FLOTUS: Then what is your problem?
POTUS: Hackery, this guy was a hack. He had a captive audience and the way I know that is that I tried to tunnel out of there several times.

FLOTUS: You are an oratorical snob.
POTUS: Yes I am and God loves me for it.
FLOTUS: You said he was sending you to Hell.
POTUS: For other stuff, not for this.

POTUS: Be subject to one another, Leo. What can I do to be of subject to you?
Leo: I’m fine.
POTUS: Yeah?
Leo: I’ve got Margaret.

POTUS: You took Indianapolis?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
POTUS: You didn’t want to take Kansas City over Arizona?
Charlie: No, sir.
POTUS: Kansas City’s got 3 players out of Notre Dame.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
POTUS: You always go with the team that’s got more players out of Notre Dame.
Charlie: That’s a heck of a system, sir.
POTUS: What’s your system?
Charlie: I compare the team’s record to the record of its opponent.
POTUS: That’s a little simplistic, isn’t it?
Charlie: Yes, sir.

C.J.: Hey.
Toby: Uh, uh, I, I, I’m not here.
C.J.: I called you at home and had you paged.
Toby: Yeah.
C.J.: I didn’t know you were here.
(Toby puts the newspaper in front of his face)
Toby: I’m not.
C.J.: I think the jig is up.
Toby: Clearly I’m here but I’m not open for business. I heard the President was meeting with Hoynes so I, I, I wanted to see how it goes.
C.J.: Listen …
Toby: I see you picked Chicago over Cincinnati so let me explain to you why your money’s going to be in my pocket.

Josh: He wants to abolish the penny?
Sam: He doesn’t want to abolish it as much as he wants to give his boss a reason why we can’t.
Josh: Well, it’s stupid.
Sam: Yeah, the thing is, it isn’t really.
Josh: Really?
Sam: Turns out the majority of pennies don’t circulate. They go in jars, sock drawers. Two-thirds of the pennies produced in the last 30 years have dropped out of circulation.
Josh: You’ve been reading about this?
Sam: It’s interesting.
Josh: No, it’s not.

POTUS: You go in front of an unfriendly audience, you tell them something they don’t want to hear, it shows you have courage.
VPOTUS: So the editors of the New York Times will think that I have courage while the people who decide elections …
POTUS: You’re a hero in Texas.
VPOTUS: I was a hero in Texas.
POTUS: Texans don’t like that you have the courage of your convictions.
VPOTUS: They’re not my convictions, they’re yours.
POTUS: Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Sam: Excuse me, General.
Adamley: Hey, Sam.
Sam: Margaret wasn’t out here.
Leo: What do you need?
Sam: No, if you’re in the middle of something, I can come back.
Adamley: We’re eliminating genocide. What are you doing?
Sam: Eliminating the penny, so I’ll come back.
Leo: Yeah.


Gone Quiet

Leo: One day, I'm going to get called to the Situation Room and it's going to be good news. We'll have discovered buried treasure or it turns out there's life on Andromeda and they think we're doing a good job. When's that day going to come, Nancy? When's that going to happen?
Nancy: Settle down.

POTUS: You don't think I'm tall enough to get hit in the neck by the propellers on Marine One?
Charlie: I think Dikembe Mutumbo isn't tall enough to get hit in the neck by the propellers on Marine One.

POTUS: Always have, always will.
Charlie: There's nothing left to run for after this.
POTUS: Fair enough, always have, never will.

POTUS: Are you mocking me?
Charlie: No, sir.
POTUS: The thing before, it wasn't a crack about my height?
Charlie: No...yeah it was.

CJ: What's this song about?
Carol: This is "I'm Too Sexy."
CJ: Yeah, for his shirt he's too sexy.
Carol: Other things too.
CJ: He lists them.
Carol: Yeah, well, I think he's feeling good. He's feeling sexy.
CJ: Too sexy.
Carol: I think it's the kind of thing where someone says 'oh, this is just too good.'
CJ: Hyperbole.
Carol: Yeah.
CJ: So, it's not a problem. It's not a song about somebody having a problem?
Carol: No, he's feeling good that's why he's singing.
CJ: Okay.

Toby: Does $105 million mean anything to you?
Ginger: I'm a simple girl, Toby.
Toby: Yes, yes, you are. Bonnie, a $105 million.
Bonnie: My answer hasn't changed since the last time you asked me.

CJ: Toby. I'm...too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my skirt, too sexy...for the other things!
Toby: What in God's name is...?
CJ: He got the question.
Toby: Who?
CJ: The Majority Leader.
Toby: When?
CJ: Last night. Local news, Cleveland, Ohio, oh me oh, oh my oh, oh Cleveland, Ohio. He got the question.
Bonnie: What's the question?
Toby: Why do you want to be President?
Bonnie: And what'd he say?
CJ: (reading from a sheet of paper) The reason I would run, were I to run, is I have a great belief in this country as a country and in it's people as a people that go into making this country a nation with the greatest natural resources and population of people, educated people. (imitates gunshot)

Abbey: Are you really that much an enemy of nature?
Oliver: Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights, its scents and its touch. And then it breaks your ankle. Also like a woman.
Abbey: What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?
Oliver: I hear ya.

Bruno: If you don't put "Vote Bartlet" in the ad, you can pay for it with unmarked bills from a bank heist if you want.
Connie: And we should know. There's also Footnote 52 where the Court said campaign finance laws only apply to communications with the terms "vote for," "elect," "support," "cast your ballot for," "Smith for Congress," "vote against," "defeat," "reject" and that's it. (Sam and Toby look at each other.) I'm savant-like.

Connie: And you know what they say about money and politics?
Sam: No.
Connie: It's like water on pavement.
Sam: Why is it like water on pavement?
Connie: That's a good -
Bruno: It finds every crack and crevice.

Albie: You lost your boat in the wrong part of the world there, Mr. President.
POTUS: I haven't lost the boat yet, Mr. Secretary. And I happen to be the only one in the building who thinks we should be sending the fast attack subs right now. And I'm an hour away from gathering the NSC and calling Japan.
Albie: I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I say you lost your boat in the wrong part of the world, Mr. President.

Josh: Why do you want to be President?
POTUS: I don't.
Josh: Well, we'll put that in a hopper and get you a draft.

Donna: That's why somebody wants to become President? Medical research and the Internet?
Josh: She's got a point.
CJ: Sometimes you get your face on a coin.
Josh: Okay, this shouldn't be hard.

Bruno: I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam! I'm tired of getting them elected! We all need some therapy. Because somebody came along and said 'liberal' means 'soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on Communism, soft on defense, and we're gonna tax you back to the Stone Age because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to.' And instead of saying, 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the '50s.' We cowered in the corner and said, 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh? What do you say?

CJ: Can you answer it?
POTUS: Why do I want to be President?
CJ: Yeah.
POTUS: I've been thinking about it for the last couple of hours. I almost had it.


Indians in the Lobby

POTUS: What makes you think it's a farm?
CJ: I don't know...it's outside

POTUS: Were we talking about something?
CJ: I don't know sir. When I came in here, back in the late 50's, there was a purpose to it. But then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them sir but somewhere during the discussion of anise and coriander and the other 15 spices you like to use to baste a turkey, I simply lost consciousness.
POTUS: You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?
CJ: I'm coming up on it?
POTUS: No, no, look behind you.

CJ: Indians on the day before Thanksgiving. Wow. Ironic.

Donna: Did you just decide you're going home for Thanksgiving?
Josh: No. I thought I was going to Connecticut.
Donna: Why?
Josh: Because that's where the house is.
Donna: Your mom sold the house ten months ago.
Josh: I made a mistake!
Donna: You forgot where your mother lives?
Josh: I'm from Connecticut! Okay? And like a swallow to Capistrano, I have to... Just find me a flight would you? And call Russell Angler at the State Department and tell him that I need to see to him about the kid in Georgia. He'll know what I'm talking about.
Donna: I'm telling your mother you forgot where she lives!
Josh: You're the girl I made fun of in elementary school, you know that?
Donna: Yes, I do.

Toby: Sam. Are you guarding my office?

POTUS: I could fund this initiative out of my pocket.
Toby: It's 10 million dollars.
POTUS: Leo could fund it out of his pocket.

POTUS: Get out of here.
Toby: Hand to God.

Leo: You gave Rene a firm talking to.
POTUS: And while he didn't deserve it, he will some day soon.

Bernice Collette: Hey, Sam.
Sam: How ya doing, Bernie?
Bernice: I'm not wild about people calling me Bernie.
Sam: Sure. What should I call you?
Bernice: Bernice is fine.
Sam: But how will you know I'm your buddy?
Bernice: I'm okay living in the dark on that.
Sam: Okay.

Sam (to Bernice): Our cost of living formula for the last 40 years has been based on life in Poland during the Cold War?

Sam: So, three statisticians go deer hunting. The first one misses ten feet to the left. Second one misses ten feet to the right. Third one jumps up and down and says, I hit it. You gotta like a guy who comes up with a statistical analysis joke. Certainly you would if you had let me call you Bernie.
Bernice: Sam....
Sam: Shouldn't we test the math before the President signs off on it? Create a pilot program, experiment for two years?
Bernice: Test the math?
Sam: Yeah.
Bernice: You think we did this with an abacus?
Sam: You know, I've always wanted to learn how to work an abacus. 'Cause on the first date when the check comes and you pull that thing out of your pocket and start adding up the tip....
Bernice: Well, that and your statistics jokes will have you blazing a path through the capital women.
Sam: Yeah.

POTUS: You think people should care where I have Thanksgiving?
Toby: I know I don't give a damn.

Butterball Hotline Lady: Hello. Welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
Toby: What the hell is…?
POTUS: Shhh! Hello!
BHL: How can I help you sir?
POTUS: Well, first let me say that I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
BHL: Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
POTUS: I'm a citizen.
BHL: I'm sure you are sir, but if I have your name, I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
POTUS: I'm Joe Bethersonton. That's one T, and with an H in there.
BHL: And your address?
POTUS: Fargo.
BHL: Your street address, please.
Toby: Zip code Fargo, North Dakota. Right now.
POTUS: My street address is 11454 Pruder Street. And it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. It's Apartment 23R... Fargo, North Dakota. Zip code 50504.
BHL: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
POTUS: I do radio commercials for...products.
BHL: And how can I help you?
POTUS: Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
BHL: It can also be made in casserole dish.
POTUS: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we?
BHL: I suppose.
POTUS: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
BHL: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuna.
POTUS: All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up. And second of all, how do I avoid it?
BHL: Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first: sauté any vegetables, fry sausage, oysters, etc.
POTUS: Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
BHL: One hundred sixty-five degrees.
POTUS: Noooo. See, I was testing you: The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180-185°.
BHL: Yes sir, I was talking about the stuffing, which you want to cook to 165 to avoid the health risks.
POTUS: Okay, good testing!
BHL: You have an accurate thermometer?
POTUS: Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the King of ...auto sales in...
Toby: Fargo.
POTUS: ...Fargo. Phil Baharnd...the man can sell a car like...well, like anything.
BHL: Very good sir. You have a good Thanksgiving.
POTUS: And you do too, thanks a lot! That was excellent. We should do that once a week.
Toby: Phil Baharnd?
POTUS: I gotta get better at the names.

Toby (to Sam): I should be able to at least fire paintballs at you while you do that.

FLOTUS: I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.
POTUS: Me too.

CJ: How do you keep fighting these smaller injustices when they're all from the mother of injustices?
Maggie Morningstar-Charles: What's the alternative?


The Women of Qumar

POTUS: Every time we make one of these deals with a place like Qumar, I feel the women around here are look at me funny.
Toby: I think you're probably wrong about that.
POTUS: You think it's just guilt?
Toby: Yes, sir.
POTUS: Well, how should I deal with guilt?
Toby: Be more like me.

POTUS: CJ's going to be cool with this, right?
Toby: CJ's the one you're worried about?
POTUS: I'm just saying, she knows who the good guys are, right?
Toby: Yeah.

POTUS: Modern American History sucks.
Charlie: I had a hunch.
POTUS: You want to study history, study the Crusades, the fall of the Roman Empire from Theodosius to Justinian.
Charlie: The Visigoths.
POTUS: Damn right, the Visigoths. 'Modern History' is another word for television.
Charlie: Yes, sir.

Josh: Donna, you've worked as a prositute....
Donna: I'll be back on my street corner.

C.J.: If I lived in Qumar I wouldn't be able to say shove it up your ass Toby, but since I don't live in Qumar, shove it up your ass Toby!

CJ: It's the twenty-first century, Nancy. The world's gotten smaller. I don't know how we can tolerate this kind of suffering anymore, particularly when all it does is continue the cycle of anti-American hatred. But that's not the point either.
Nancy: What's the point?
CJ: The point is that apartheid was an East Hampton clambake compared to what we laughingly refer to as the 'life' these women lead. And if we had sold M1-A1s to South Africa fifteen years ago, you'd have set the building on fire. Thank God we never needed to refuel at Johannesburg!
Nancy: It's a big world, CJ, and everybody has guns, and I'm doing the best I can.
CJ: They're beating...the women, Nancy.


Bartlet for America

Josh: I used to do this for a living, Leo. The guy gets the floor for five minutes. I can get him out of the room.
Leo: Don't help me.
Josh: I'm gonna help you, 'cause you know why?
Leo: 'Cause you walk around with so much guilt about everybody you love dying that you're a compulsive fixer?
Josh: No, Leo, no. It's 'cause a guy's walking down the street and he falls into a hole, see?
Leo: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah.
Leo: It's my day, Josh. I gotta take the hit.

POTUS: Listen, I don't care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me, you're going to damn well do it.
Leo: Sir, this isn't a secure call so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was just kidding then.

POTUS: I like you and her [Jordan Kendall]. It's like a 50's screwball comedy.
Leo: You're like a 50's screwball...
POTUS: What was that?

Mrs. Landingham: Governor, does it frustrate you to constantly aim for humor and yet miss so dramatically?

Leo: I've been thinking about getting back into politics.
Jed: I think that's great, man. I think it's about time. You probably mean the House but I think you should consider the Senate seat in Illinois in two years; I can help raise money.
Leo: No, I wasn't thinking about the Senate. I was thinking about the White House.
Jed: Hey, Leo, I swear to God, there's no one I'd rather see in the Oval Office than you but if you run, there's going to be a lot of discussion about valium and alcohol. I mean, it's going to come out. This is the world.
Leo: Yeah. See, I wasn't thinking about me.
Jed: Who?
Leo: I've been walking around in a kind of daze for two weeks. And everywhere I go, planes, trains, restaurants, meetings, I find myself scribbling something down.
Jed: What?
(Leo takes out a small white napkin, licks the back of it and sticks it on the window. It reads "Bartlet for America.")

Mike Casper:: Listen, churches are burning down, otherwise I'd be hitting on you.
Donna: I appreciate that. Maybe when it's a better time.

Mike: He was pulled over for a bad brake light and thought it was something else.
POTUS: A two year investigation gets its first crack from a broken tail light.
Mike: In 13 years with the Bureau, I've discovered that there's no amount of money, manpower, or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid.
POTUS: God, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.

Leo: The President was at the debate site walking the stage. A podium is a holy place for him. He makes it his own, like it's an extension of his body. You ever see a pitcher work the mound so the dirt does exactly what his feet want it to do? That's the President. He sees it as a genuine opportunity to change minds, also as his best way of contributing to the team. He likes teams. I love him so much.
Jordan Kendall: What was going on in your room?
Leo: I like the little things.
Jordan: I didn't hear you.
Leo: I said, 'I like the little things.' The way a glass feels in your hand, a good glass -- thick, with a heavy base. I love the sound an ice cube makes when you drop it from just the right height. Too high, and it will chip when you drop it. Chip the ice and it will melt too fast in the Scotch... Good scotch sits in a charcoal barrel for 12 years. Very good scotch gets smoked for 29 years. Johnny Walker Blue is 60 year old Scotch.
Jordan: I don't care. What happened in the room -
Leo: I'm trying to tell you what happened....
Jordan: You had a drink.
Leo: I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? My brain works differently.

Cliff: Not while I'm the Majority Counsel, it's not. This is bush league. This is why good people hate us. This, right here. This thing. This isn't what these hearings are about. He cannot possibly have been properly prepared by counsel for these questions, nor should he ever have to answer them publicly. And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this Committee, and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman. Because you are killing the party.


H Con. - 172

Leo: (to Cliff Calley) Okay, well...I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote to take place on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland.
Jordan: Leo.
Leo: You think I am so desperate to save my ass I'm going to roll over on Jed Bartlet?
Cliff: I don't think it's -
Leo: I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me.

Sam: What we're doing is making note of anything, big or small that's wrong. Anything that can be used to attack credibility.
Larry: Okay, right away I see one.
Sam: What?
Larry: I'm Larry. He's Ed.
CJ: I usually don't know that.

Larry: (reading from a book excerpt from "The Camera Doesn't Lie: What I Saw at the Bartlet White House" by Ron Burkhalt) "Bartlet was playing a round of golf with Toby Ziegler, the prickly, mumbling Communications Director whose inner, bitter darkness spelled the breakup of the one marriage we know about."
(Long pause)
CJ: It was miniature golf, wasn't it?
Toby: (beat) Yeah.

Josh: Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that.
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: I'd like to see her [Amy Gardner] again.
Toby: Call her.
Josh: And ask her out?
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: No, no, because there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it will never be spoken of again.
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: I need to come in under the cover of business.
Toby: Cause you're a straight shooter.
Josh: Yeah. I need a point of friction. I need an issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over, and you know, I take it from there.
Toby: How about the word 'feministas' ?
Josh: No, come on, you've been doing outreach to the women's groups on the State of the Union. Where are we?
Toby: They're happy.
Josh: Very happy?
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: With the surplus projections changing?
Toby: Women are getting a decent break.
Josh: (scoffs) Damn, where the hell are the pro-lifers when you need them?
Toby: Sons of bitches, don't they know you're trying to get...
Josh: Hey, this is not that. She's got, really... I'm bewitched. Ensorcelled. There's gotta be some way we're screwing 'em over.

POTUS: Weren't you going to a flea market?
Charlie: Yeah. I picked something up for you.
POTUS: You didn't have to do that.
Charlie: Oh, yeah. (reaches into a desk and pulls out a large roll of paper) It's a map of the Holy Land that was drawn in 1709. It's titled Canaan, Palestine, or the Holy Land.
POTUS: Nice sucking up.

Leo: Well, if you're going to make a strong exit, you really can't wait for someone to get their purse together.
Jordan: How long does it take to get a purse together?
Leo: A question I've been asking my entire adult life.
Jordan: It's a non-binding resolution. Do you know what that means?
Leo: No, could you tell me because I've really started to take an interest in government lately.

Toby: Well, my name is Toby Ziegler and I'm the Communications Director though there's a typo in communications at one point. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, I mumble from time to time but prickly? I do not think so.

Toby: (to Charlie) On Carol's birthday, did you happen to attend a seance where they tried to contact Margaret's grandmother? (Charlie turns around with a 'What?' look in his eye.) No, right?

Toby: Hey, your favorite movie was on t.v. last night.
POTUS: (quoting from Lion in Winter) "By God, I'm 50, alive, and a King all at the same time."
Toby: I turned it on just as they got to the scene when Richard, Geoffrey, and John were locked in the dungeon and Henry was coming down to execute them. Richard tells his brothers not to cower but to take it like men. And Geoffrey says, "You fool, as if it matters how a man falls down." And Richard says, "When the fall -
POTUS and Toby: is all you have left, it matters a great deal."
Toby: It matters a great deal.
POTUS: You trying to tell me something?
Toby: No, Mr. President. Of course not.


Josh: (whispering) Press hold, and I will pick up the phone in my office.
Donna: I'm sorry, how does a telephone work again?

CJ: (reading another book excerpt) "It is well-known in the Bartlet White House that after having two daughters, Jed Bartlet wanted a son and sought advice from the book 'How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby' by Dr. Landrum B. Shettles. The book recommends that the father to be avoid jockey shorts, jock straps, and other tight-fitting clothes."
POTUS: Yeah.
CJ: So I can put you down for a no?

POTUS: Leo has -- in what used to be his house when he was married -- a map of the United States. The first third of it is the 13 Original Colonies. The second third of it is the French Territory of Louisiana and the third third is Mexico. In this map of the United States, there is not a single state. That's because when this map was made, there was no United States. (Charlie walks in.) I am the President of the United States and I am not offended by it.
CJ: Well, you're bigger than ten men, sir. What do you say we put it out of the way?
POTUS: I'm having it enlarged and bolting it to the hood of my limo. They don't want us to put up our map, Charlie. They're Philistines in the fight for freedom. But that doesn't bother us, does it?
Charlie: Huh?

POTUS: Why does it matter?
Sam: Excuse me?
POTUS: I said, why does it matter?
Sam: Well, 'cause I don't think it's such a good idea to be casual about the truth.
POTUS: Neither do I.

POTUS (to Leo): I was wrong. I was, I was just, I was wrong. Come on, we know that. Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is but lots of times we do. And come on, this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything anymore. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. "Everybody does it," that's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safehouse where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty. (sighs) I'm to blame. I was wrong.


100,000 Airplanes

Sam: Ed, Larry, this is Lisa Sherborne from Vanity Fair.
Lisa: Which one's Ed and which one's Larry?
Ed and Larry: It doesn't matter.

Josh: I'm seeing Amy again tonight.
Donna: Second date?
Josh: First date, really. Last night was more of a, you know...
Donna: Scheme.
Josh: Yeah.
Donna: Good because a second date is usually where the wheels come off the wagon for you.
Josh: That is so false.
Donna: What are you doing?
Josh: A late drink.
Donna: Where are you going?
Josh: Wilson's.
Donna: I like that place.
Josh: I don't.
Donna: Why?
Josh: Well, for one thing, the piano player only seems to know one song.
Donna: Which song?
Josh: "Little things with fur better hurry..."
Donna: "Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry"?
Josh: Okay.
Donna: Surrey with the Fringe on Top.
Josh: Whatever. It's like I'm on a hay ride. What are you doing?
Donna: I'm trying to figure out if you have to pay for the plane ticket to Phoenix.
Josh: It was official travel.
Donna: Yeah, well, that doesn't really seem to make a difference -
Josh: What does the rule say?
Donna: (quoting) "An employee may not use contract airline/rail passenger service provided under the contract with the General Services Administration. See Part 301-15, supbart B of this chapter."
Josh: What's the problem?
Donna: Well, let's set aside there's no subpart B of this chapter. The rest of it uses a sentence structure with which I am not familiar.
Josh: Just put it on my credit card.
Donna: No, see, I think that's what this was designed to do. I think it's designed to break a person's spirit.
Josh: And dammit, that's my job.
Donna: We're getting beat by the system.
Josh: We are the system.
Donna: We suck.
Josh: Yes!

Joey (through Kenny): Did he find a cure for cancer? 'Cause if he found a cure for cancer, I think that would be interesting. I'd think that was something we should share. But he didn't. He wants to find a cure for cancer and he wants to say that in the State of the Union. You know what my response would be? Me too. Is this the first time he had that thought?

Josh: Did I hear Toby right on the phone?
Larry: Could be worse you know.
Josh: How?
Larry: He could have cancer.
Josh: Do the two of you ever go anywhere separately?
Ed: It's weird, isn't it?
Josh: A little weird, yeah.

Joey: The federal government shouldn't be directing scientific research.
Sam: Why?
Joey: Because you stink at it. "If it was up to the NIH to cure polio through a centrally directed program instead of an independent investigator driven discovery, you'd have the best iron lung in the world but not a polio vaccine."
Sam: When did you get an MD?
Joey: I was just quoting Samuel Broder.
Sam: Who's he?
Joey: The former director of the National Cancer Institute.

Donna (to Josh): So many women, so little charm.

Toby: CJ.
CJ: Hang on.
Toby: Dance with me.
CJ: Hang on! I'm just going to toss this in my office.
Carol: Congratulations boss.
CJ: Nice job. Take the rest of the night off.
Carol: Yeah, it's 1:00 in the morning.
CJ: Well, you've earned it. Sam, Sam, the Sunshine Man. Get on the couch, I'm going to do you right now.
Sam: Okay.
CJ: Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.
Sam: What's wrong with you?
CJ: We really don't know...
Sam: ...and if you're serious about that thing with Carol, (CJ laughs) I could just sit in the corner and -
CJ: Get out.

Sam: Here's something interesting. In 1940, our armed forces weren't among the 12 most formidable in the world but obviously, we were going to fight a big war. And Roosevelt said, the U.S. would produce 50,000 planes in the next four years. Everyone thought it was a joke and it was 'cause it turned out we produced 100,000 planes. Gave the Air Force an armada that would block the sun.
Lisa: Do you still have what you wrote that night?
Sam: About curing cancer?
Lisa: Yeah. Read it to me.
Sam: "Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene, and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the federal government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: we will cure cancer by the end of this decade."


The Two Bartlets

Toby (to CJ): There's an old expression: 'Cuando dio ole castigarci ci mandi quello che desideriamo.' When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.

Leo (to Josh about going away with Amy): My wife lives in my house. I live in a hotel. This is why.


Night Five

Sam: Hayes, you could make a good dog break his leash.

Ainsley (to Sam): If I was demeaned, I'd be among the very first people to know it.

Stanley Keyworth: This is a very unusual conversation.
POTUS: I get that a lot.
Stanley: I'd imagine.
POTUS: So what do you charge?
Stanley: $375 an hour.
POTUS: For $375 an hour you ought to bring your own damn lingerie.
Stanley: I do.

Stanley: Mr. President...if you were any other patient...
POTUS: Say what you'd say to any other patient.
Stanley: I'd say, 'Screw around if you want but it's your money, it's about to be my money, and I sleep fine.'

Sam: Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah.
Sam: Are you in pain?
Charlie: No.
Sam: Charlie?
Charlie: Yes.
Sam: Have you been playing basketball?
Charlie: Yes.
Sam: Did you get beat?
Charlie: No.
Sam: Charlie?
Charlie: Yes.
Sam: Who'd you play?
Charlie: Doesn't matter.
Sam: Ed?
Charlie: No.
Sam: Larry?
Charlie: No.
Sam: Jack?
Charlie: No.
Sam: Did you get beat by Manny?
Charlie: No.
Sam: Who?
Charlie: Deanna.
Sam: Your sister?
Charlie: Yes.
Sam: Your little sister?
Charlie: She plays varsity, Sam.
Sam: Girls varsity.
Charlie: She played a finesse game.
Sam: Man, you can't walk.
Charlie: Yeah. I don't know what's happening to my life.
Sam: Listen, I can tell you're down in the dumps; let's talk about me.

Sam: I also think it's important to make clear that I'm not a sexist.
Charlie: And that I'm all man.
Ainsley: You're Celia?
Celia Walton: Yes.
Ainsley: He's not a sexist.
Celia: If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
Ainsley: I'm sorry?
Celia: I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
Ainsley: I don't even know what that means.
Celia: I think you do.
Ainsley: And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them, but all women don't have to think alike.
Celia: I didn't say they did and when someone said something that offended me, I did say so.
Ainsley: I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex.
Charlie: Hello.
Ainsley: I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.
Celia: And what kind of feminism do you call that?
Ainsley: My kind.
Ginger: It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism.
Sam: Stilettos.
Ainsley: You're not in enough trouble already?
Sam: I suppose I am.
Celia: Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?
Ainsley: He would be able to but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child-care, honest-to-God sexual harassment and in this case, a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, (turns to Sam) 25% on the assesments for Category A. (turns to Charlie) You...I don't know what your thing is. (turns to Celia) And you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.

Stanley: We're done for the night.
POTUS: What?
Stanley: We've been here for two hours. It was a double session. We're done for the night.
POTUS: Stanley, I hate to put it this way but I'm me and you're you and we're done when I say we're done.
Stanley: No. I think you could use some assistance right now, sir. Use me, don't use me, but all I can offer you is this: I'll be the only person in the world, other than your family, who doesn't care that you're the President. Our time is up.


Hartsfields Landing

Josh: I'm trying to get pizza in an uncivilized world.
Leo: It's not being easy you, is it?

POTUS: I've got to tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk. A lot of pluck. This game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart and you've got it my friend.
Toby: You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round.

CJ: So how long do you usually make people your bitch?
Charlie: It depends.


Dead Irish Writers

POTUS (to FLOTUS): I'm like Gatsby but without the problems.

Lord John Marbury: Abigail!
POTUS: Now it's a party.
FLOTUS: Oh, yes your Lordship.
LJM: Your breasts are magnificent.
FLOTUS: Oh, thank you, John.
LJM: May I inquire, Mr. President, is the first that attracted you to Abigail, was it her magnificent breasts?
FLOTUS: It was.
POTUS: I don't know, John. There are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.
LJM: God?! Really?
POTUS: Yeah.

CJ: Hey.
Sam: Hey, Jack Enlow?
CJ: No, it's CJ Cregg. We've met.
Sam: And laughed and laughed.

Sam: I'm not an instigator.
CJ: Yes, you are.
Sam: Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels.
CJ: I'll say this about you, you can wear a tuxedo.
Sam: I know.
CJ: I know you know.

Donna: It turns out I'm not an American citizen so Secret Service wanted me to talk to INS.
CJ: What?
Donna: I was born in Warroad, Minnesota only I wasn't 'cause INS just clarifed the border and it's now in Manitoba.
CJ: You're not an American?
Donna: Missed it by four miles.
Amy: You seem pretty calm about it.
Donna: No, I'm very upset. I don't know the words to my national anthem; I've been throwing out Canadian pennies my whole life; I've been making fun of the queen. We don't do that.
Abbey: I'm sure it will all work out.
Donna: Thank you, ma'am.
Abbey: Where are you going?
Donna: They've let me into the party now.
Abbey: Why don't you stay and have some wine with us?
Donna: Really?
Abbey: Yeah.
Donna: That's very nice of you. I probably shouldn't drink, though.
CJ: I wouldn't worry about it.
Amy: Canadian, huh?
Donna: Yeah.
Amy: You feel funnier?
Donna: No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex.

Donna: Oh, Mrs. Bartlet, for crying out loud, you were also a doctor when your husband said, "Give me the drugs and don't tell anybody," and you said, "Okay." Oh, my God. You switched back to First Lady.

POTUS: In my house, anyone who uses one word when they could have used ten just isn't trying hard. Let's keep at it.


The US Poet Laureate

POTUS: Why are you smiling?
Toby: Happiness is my default position.

Josh: Donna!
Donna: Yeah.
Josh: Sit down; we're going to post a response on the site.
Donna: What site?
Josh: LemonLyman -
Donna: No.
Josh: Yeah, we got to post a response to someone.
Donna: It's a bad idea.
Josh: Why?
Donna: You don't know these people.
Josh: Neither do you.
Donna: Yes, I do.
Josh: What's wrong with them?
Donna: Nobody knows.
Josh: They're taking a very healthy interest in government. They should be applauded.
Donna: Then applaud them but stay off the site.
Josh: These are the people talking. I'm not an elitist.
Donna: You are an elitist.
Josh: I am an elitist but I have a respect for people who don't measure up.
Donna: People on these sites tend to be a little hysterical.

Donna: What Josh doesn't know is that some of these people have not taken their medication.

Josh (to CJ, about LemonLyman.com): CJ, it's a...crazy place. It's got this dictatorial leader who I'm sure wears a muumuu and chain smokes Parliaments.
CJ: What did you go there for in the first place?
Josh: It's called LemonLyman.com
CJ: Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites, they're the cast of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muumuu wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. And when Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You, you're McMurphy. You swoop in there with your card-games and your fishing trips -
Josh: I didn't swoop in. I came in exactly the same way everybody else did.
CJ: Well, now I'm telling you to open the ward room window and climb on out before they give you a pre-fontal lobotamy and I have to smother you with a pillow.


Enemies, Foreign and Domestic

Steve: You're not outraged by this?
CJ: Outraged? I'm barely surprised. This is a country where women aren't allowed to drive a car. They're not allowed to be in the company of any men other than a close relative. They're required to adhere to a dress code that would make a Maryknoll nun look like Malibu Barbie. They beheaded 121 people last year for robbery, rape, and drug trafficking. They have no free press, no elected government, no political parties. And the royal family allows the religious police to travel in groups of six carrying nightsticks and they freely and publicly beat women.... But "Brutus is an honorable man." Seventeen schoolgirls were forced to burn alive because they weren't wearing the proper clothing. Am I outraged? No, Steve. No, Chris. No, Mark. That is Saudi Arabia, our partners in peace.

Toby: Making sure the Enquirer can write whatever it wants is the only way I can be sure the New York Times is writing whatever it wants.

POTUS: I knew I'd get screwed by a computer one day.


The Black Vera Wang

Ginger: What do they eat in Helsinki?
Sam: They eat moose.
Ginger: You ate a moose?
Sam: No. I don't like eating things where the cartoon character can talk and you know, hatch a plan.

Sam: [re: package sent to Sam marked 'Personal'] Do you think it's porn?
Ginger: I don't know.
Sam: 'Cause I'm pretty tired but if it's porn, really good porn...By the way, if my innocent joking is making you uncomfortable in any way....
Ginger: No, I'm hoping it's porn.

CJ: No, you understand, I'm driving myself home. If you want to follow me in a chase car, that's fine, but you have been annoying me for six days. You annoyed me here for three days then you annoyed me in Finland. You're quiet, you're polite, and you're, you're there. You're always there. I can't shake you. You followed me to Scandinavia and back.
Simon Donovan: Well, that's...
CJ: Don't give me the 'Aw shucks' answer, "well, that's my job, ma'am." And don't call me ma'am. Don't call me ma'am. Don't call me Ms. Cregg. This isn't a Western.
Simon: I'm required to call you ma'am or Ms. Cregg. There are rules and regulations.
CJ: Okay, okay, secret agent man, here's my rules and regulations. I'm getting in my baby blue '65 Mustang convertible and I'm going to feel the wind in my hair and any place else I want. You can look at my tailights.
Simon: I think I'm not allowed to do that either.
CJ: (walking off) I will see you at home.
Simon: Okay.
....
CJ: (comes back to her office where Simon is standing) Are you going to let me drive myself home?
Simon: No. I've got your spark plug. That what you meant?
CJ: You've got my spark plug?
Simon: And the battery. Also, the fuel pump, the starter relay, the timing belt, the ignition fuse, and well, also the engine, I guess.
CJ: Did you leave me anything?
Simon: Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No. You need the battery.
CJ: Yeah.

Bruno: Hey, Stacey.
Margaret: Margaret.
Bruno: I thought Margaret was the girl who worked here before.
Margaret: I'm the girl who worked here before. I'm Margaret.
Bruno: You changed your hair.
Margaret: No.
Bruno: Someone asked me to give this to you. (hands her a red box)
.... ( after meeting with Leo) ....
Margaret: Mr. Gianelli.
Bruno: You can call me Bruno.
(inside the red box is a necklace with 'Margaret' written in gold letters)


We Killed Yammamoto

CJ: Is it a good gym [Secret Service gym]?
Simon: Yes, it's a...we run along side moving cars.
CJ: You don't have to get snobby about it.

Leo: Josh met with Rick Pintero yesterday on the Working Toward Independence Act.
POTUS: Do you suppose that could be any more patronizingly named?
Leo: I think when we're talking welfare, that ship's pretty much sailed.

Man: Uh, Miss Moss are you aware that studies clearly show the word 'north' leaves the impression that this state is cold, snowy, and flat, significantly depressing tourism and business startup?
Donna: With due respect, sir, your average temperature is seven degrees. Your average snowfall: 42 inches. And a name change isn't going to take care of that.
Woman: We enjoy roughly the same climate of South Dakota. We took in 73.7 million in tourism revenue last year. They took in 1.2 billion. They have the word 'South.'
Donna: Also Mt. Rushmore.

CJ: How do you shoot like that?
Simon: They give us lessons.

Admiral Fitzwallace: Have you changed your shampoo? You have, I can tell. 'Cause your hair seems bouncy and more manageable.
Leo: I like to look good for you.
Fitz: Well, I appreciate it.


Posse Comitatus

Amy: Can I get an egg-white omelet and some toast that is badly burnt?
Josh: Just some coffee. That doesn't give you cancer?
Amy: Burnt toast?
Josh: Yeah.
Amy: I'm not sure, that's why I have the egg-white omelet.

Ms. Fiderer: So you have my address. What other corners of my personal life have you rooted out?
Charlie: You worked at the White House. We know where you live.
Ms. Fiderer: I bet you do.

Anthony, Simon's Little Brother: You got skills, I don't deny that. You can shoot and you're athletic.
Simon: Yeah.
Anthony: You're slow-witted.
Simon: Let the beatings begin.

POTUS: Let me ask you something. Is there a crime which if it wasn't illegal, you would do it?
Stanley Keyworth: I'd park anywhere I want.
POTUS: Right, but you wouldn't rob a bank?
Stanley: No.
POTUS: Connecticut had a law prohibiting the use of contraceptives. It was written out of rage against adultery. But in the age of AIDS, don't Connecticut do more for the general welfare by flagrantly breaking the law?
Stanley: There was a law against contraceptives?
POTUS: Yeah.
Stanley: Can I ask, sir, how somebody used to get caught?
POTUS: Stanley.
Stanley: What's on your mind, Mr. President?
POTUS: I can't tell you.
Stanley: Yeah, but you can.
POTUS: (Long pause) No, I really can't.

Sam: He went to the Yankee game.
Toby: Ritchie?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: He's at the Yankees game right now?
Sam: Local news covered it. He said this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
Toby: I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary.
Sam: I know.
Toby: You making fun of the Yankees?
Sam: No.
Toby: Now?
Sam: I'm not.
Toby: They went to the Yankee game.
Sam: He's coming at intermission.
Toby: Well, I'm not sure that suits me.
Sam: I know what you mean.
Toby: Making an entrance after the President. That's just not how we play bridge. It's not how we say cricket.
Sam: Okay, you're starting to freak me out a little bit.
Toby: Just talk to me.
Sam: How many people are at the game?
Toby: If it's a good game? 40,000 probably.
Sam: There was an incumbent President who was facing a primary challenge and on the day of the primary, his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now, I would like to make it plain that I would never do anything to tamper with an election....
Toby: I am so...proud of you.
Sam: You're really very much freaking me out right now.

Reporter #1: Toby, it's already intermission and Governor Ritchie's stuck in traffic and won't get here till the middle of the second act.
Toby: He should have taken across Brown to the West Side.
Reporter #2: Sam?
Sam: I don't know...but I want to tell you some good facts: $1.8 million dollars raised for Catholic charities thanks to the people who made it. While we're talking, the House is passing the President's Welfare Reform Bill and he appreciates all the governors who worked the vote.
Toby: And the Yankees are about to snap a 12-game winning streak. Thanks a lot.
Sam: What Toby means to say is that if 90% of success is showing up, we're just happy there's someone standing out for the other 10.
Toby: I love the theatre.
Sam: I know what you mean.

POTUS: Something horrible happened about an hour ago. CJ Cregg was getting threats so we put an agent on her. He's a good guy. He was on my detail for a while. He was in Rosslyn. He walked in the middle of an armed robbery and was shot and killed after detaining one of the suspects. Ritchie: Oh. Crime. Boy, I don't know.
POTUS: (sighs) We should have a great debate, Rob. We owe it to everyone. When I was running for governor, I didn't know anything. I made them start Bartlet College in my dining room. Two hours every morning on foreign affairs and the military. You could do that.
Ritchie: How many different ways do you think you're going to find to call me dumb?
POTUS: I wasn't, Rob, but you've turn being un-engaged into a zen-like thing and you shouldn't enjoy it so much is all, and if it appears at times I don't like you, that's the only reason why.
Ritchie: You're what my friends call a superior sumbitch. You're an academic elitist and a snob. You're Hollywood, you're weak, you're a liberal, and you can't be trusted and if it appears from time to time as if I don't like you, well, those are just a few of the many reasons why.
POTUS: They're playing my song. In the future, if you're wondering -- "Crime. Boy, I don't know," is when I decided to kick your ass.

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