Latest Alteration: January 8, 2010
I hereby declare that this website shall be arranged chronologically with the latest entries at the bottom of the page to eliminate double scrolling. Follow the link for the latest alteration! This tomato-colored body of text has been added as filler to eliminate the embarrassment of the one year time gap between my first two entries. More filler to follow. And now, on with our show!
July 14, 2008 "Why did you erase your entire website!?!?," Steve asked bewilderedly. The answer is this: I feel the need to start over, and, I am somewhat ashamed to admit, I am embarrassed by everything that I have written to date. However, I do not believe my writing has no value, so I merely archived it rather than deleting it forever. But for all intents and purposes, welcome to my new website!
Anything new is born out of what is old, but now my task at hand is discovering the new. And the new includes my old friends whose opinions and care I value as much as ever. Good morning.
I'm kind of curious as to why there are links to "Jesus" websites on this page (even before I just typed "Jesus"). It poses many questions, which I shall possibly delve into later.
October 23, 2009 I guess it's been more than a year of not writing (during which hopefully no one has been reading this same page over and over again). I've decided that I am going to try to start again, again. And the reason I like this angelfire site so much more than any blog is that I can use all these simple little html things. It's like building with legos.
Well, off to work! Today I attempt to arrive in a timely manner!
Anyway, I mention all of this in a scattered, rushed format (since I haven't composed sense-making stuff for so long) because I think it is important to celebrate the beauty in life as soon as I see it. I haven't been recording it, partly because I have worried that it seems trite when I write it down quickly and without much thought, posting it immediately on the internet; nevertheless, moments of (ready?) enlightenment will pass me by if I do not record them. I forget very easily. I have no idea what I did last week. Just kidding, but not exaggerating too much either. I also think it is worth it to share thoughts with people because it forces me to formulate them instead of having them float around my head in a jumbled mush. Plus, if things are true and beautiful, ironic and goofy, sad and profound, we will all agree on some level. It may be time for me to enter into these kinds of conversations with people again to gain insight rather than blurting out random things at work in unrelated contexts.
But enough talking about talking! Siddhartha. Good book. And a bonus silver lining point for me: Hermann Hesse was a bookseller! With Barnes and Noble! Just kidding, not B&N, but still. Siddhartha is a short little book, definitely a must read. It is about a son of a Brahmin who has studied all aspects of religion and, much like Faust, finds himself intellectually restless and wanting to discover the path to true enlightenment. He tries asceticism, which has its limits, and then he moves on to hedonistic worldly pleasures. In the end he finds those numbing to his soul. Along the way, however, he falls in love with a courtesan and unknowingly fathers a child. Siddhartha leaves the city for a quiet life as an apprentice to a wise old river ferryman, where he learns that all moments in time, all emotions, and all of our souls appear to be sequential and separate when they are really interrelated. Like the river which has no beginning and end, a person's life only has the illusion of finality. This would be a great place to end the story, but then Siddhartha's son finds him and then turns his peaceful life into an uproar, which I love. I will leave this as a cliffhanger in order to entice you to read it (and to go about my day).
November 8, 2009: "Close to the Edge" So, every band goes through their Siddhartha phase, right? Well, I think they should! Without reducing all of life too much, it is very inspiring to me to see events in time as part of many interwoven cycles that reflect our greater journey as souls through this world. I suppose I am still in the process of finding spiritual inspiration in the absence of a religious structure, which is difficult when you've always viewed the world through a grid. What I am grateful for is that life is messy and complicated enough that it will not let your mind rest peacefully in a framework like that if you are honest with yourself. There was a time and place for that in my life, and perhaps I will be more attached to a particular religion again in the future (although I hope I am not, honestly), but for now I must continue on without church. However, I have decided that one of the elements of religious life I tossed out with the bathwater is service, and I am looking for new opportunities for it now that I don't feel motivated by guilt and fear of pleasing others or God. At least I think so...
What is so inspiring to me about this story and this philosophy is that the process of reorienting one's perspective can add meaning and allow for the possibility of hope and change that cannot be seen at first glance. Levels of meaning allow for the existence of seemingly contradictory truths. It allows for a sense of peace, knowing that one must not grasp truth in a tight fist but only trust that all things are woven together by their similarities, or simply the fact that they all exist. This is getting to the point where saying nothing is everything, and all is one and one is all and now I'm singing a 1970s psychedelic rock song. But that is a spiritual experience when put to music. This kind of music resonates within me because of its ethereal beauty, its rich blend of modern and ancient instruments, its mixture of current historical context with Eastern mythology and art, and its reoccurring nature throughout my life. And most importantly to me, it has also inspired my brother, with whom I have shared most of my existence. If I am ever in need of a microcosm showing the power of love in narrative form, I look to my own family, our struggles and triumphs, and the hope my siblings and I have arrived at through different paths but with the same common strength. I will always be grateful for the unique love and understanding we share for one another. It is not common, and I count it among my greatest treasures. And I'm not afraid to brag! Especially since my brother and his band will be famous! YAY!
December 16, 2009: "I Like Smiling, Smiling's My Favorite!" Hello again. First website entry attempted before 7am on a workday. This is a cause for celebration! Just kidding. What IS a cause of celebration is the movie Elf. Whenever I get crazy-busy at work, I just imagine myself shouting, "I'm in a store, and I'm singing...I'm in a store, and I'm singing, I'm in a store, AND I'M SINGING!" and everything is all better. And imagining ice skating at Rockefeller center (and then accidentally meeting Tina Fey on her way out the door). And eating spaghetti with maple syrup and pop tarts. Ick. Once I made a Buddy the Elf costume for my brother when he was in fourth grade, and he actually wore it to school. His Christian school with uniforms. It was amazing; one of the proudest moments of my life. I'd wear a costume to work, but the fun would last approximately 30 seconds once I pulled out of my parking spot and realized I had to turn around. Speaking of losing my parking spot, I should now be working towards that goal, or I will be late to work. Bon voyage!
December 27, 2009: "When Coffee Drinkers Drink Tea" The website title for today is simply melodramatic. However, I am indeed drinking tea this morning because I have some sort of stomach virus. Yesterday I ventured a cup of coffee, but today I am not so bold. I like tea, though. I used to drink tons of it the summer after I graduated from college, which was a very hot summer without air conditioning. That was a summer of many web entries, too. Mugs everywhere. I shared tea with my summer housing buddies, as well, which come to think of it was kind of logistically annoying due to "visitation hours." Ugh, don't miss that policy. Great couple of months, though. That was the summer I followed the World Cup with all the international students staying at Gordon, lay on the beach reading Virginia Woolf, watched the fourth of July fireworks in Gloucester and babysat for 20 dollars an hour. The summer had its share of struggles, too; death, divorce, saying goodbye...followed by my car breaking down in Connecticut. But a few of my Gordon buddies helped me repair my car (I worked on it myself!), and a few of them helped me get back on my feet. Some just cheered me up.
It seems so long ago, yet I vividly remember the sense of comfort in knowing the memory alone of friendship and camaraderie would not go anywhere, even if I would have to say goodbye. I also remember the importance of owning mugs with "character." That summer I collected a tourist mug from Maine with lobsters and the name "Harold," which is still in my possession. Almost every day I would drink out of the blue mug with a button glazed on that my best friend made for me. This morning I am drinking out of one that says, "I love Charles." I haven't decided if it's better to be a Charles drinking out of that mug or to actually love Charles. Neither apply to me, thankfully. That summer I had a big crush on a Charles, but also thankfully, I did not own such a mug at the time. Now I am deliberating whether or not I should purchase a mug to support a local theater that says, "Thank you for not parking on First Ave." With my own neighbors being notoriously protective of their parking spots, I'm thinking it would be delightfully ironic for my apartmentmates and I to own one. I'm not sure if the mug warrants $18, even though it supports the theater. The jury is out.
All of this rambling for some reason brings me back to my original thesis: the English Breakfast tea I am drinking right now reminds me of my good friends with whom I shared such an interesting summer of 2006. Having such good friends makes me want to remember a time I would otherwise have striven to forget. Ugh, this is getting mushy! Well, thanks for still reading my website. Soon I shall possibly re-introduce the celebrity biographies, which just to be clear are absolutely made up.
January 8, 2010: "Che m'ami...di'...lo t'amo." Yes, of course I'm still obsessed these days with an opera I've never seen, La Boheme. This lyric translates to, "Do you love me, say! I certainly do," at least according to the internet if not Italian speakers. I think I may have ruined the ending of this famous opera for my brother, not realizing he would not need to read the synopsis if the lyrics were translated and projected onto the walls of the opera house, which apparently they sometimes are. Oh well, it's good to know beforehand. Usually I'm an advocate of being surprised by the ending, but with this particular timeless story it is more poignant when one knows there is little time for love to blossom before one of the lovers dies. John should probably be prepared for a sad ending, anyway, just so he isn't disappointed. I think we're going in February if he can still make it. I haven't bought the tickets yet, since I want to be sure he can commit to a particular date. We'll see what happens.
How to express the sweetness of young love...requited love, mutual love. Are we all obsessed with it? Afraid of it, yet desiring it all the same? Being young, I sometimes think there will be endless years ahead of me to do what I want to do, explore the vast world, and fall in love. Yet the urgency and intensity of new love overwhelms me. I have met someone. I never thought I would, and I could never dream what it would be like. But we are quite smitten with one another, it's true. There is a bittersweet element to it, at least to the morbidly dramatic side of me, knowing that these days are short. It is beautiful to see how love springs from this knowledge when two souls meet, life blooming from the soil of the aged, dead earth imparting its eternal nutrients. Is this what they mean by "timeless"? (To be continued...)
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