Chapter 14
“Why did he change after the surgery?” Steve asks later when we’re in his car, halfway back to Kirk’s.
“The scars,” I explain, shrugging. “He hated to look at them.”
He shakes his head, nose wrinkled in disgust, “I’m sorry, Andy, about everything. But I have to say…that meeting was really hard for you. But you made it through.” He pauses to glance at me, and when my eyes meet his, he smiles, “I’m impressed.”
I look at the floor and snort, “Oh yes. Really impressive. I couldn’t even stop crying.”
“What’s wrong with crying?” he asks.
I shrug, “It’s a sign of weakness. I should be strong enough to hold it in.”
When we get to Kirk’s, Steve parks but stops me from leaving. “It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to mess up sometimes,” he says, raking a hand through his hair. “We’re going to get you through this.”
I nod slowly, staring at my feet.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine,” I tell him, not really sure if I will be. “What’s going to happen to Johan?”
He sighs, “I don’t know exactly. I guess they’ll need to see if he’s still doing it. If not, the investigation will be a little more tricky.”
I wonder if they’ll need me to help them. I don’t know if I’ll be able to; at the moment, I’m not sure I’ll survive the walk back to the house.
Kirk appears next to me, having pulled open the car door. “How did it go?” he asks. Curtis is standing in the doorway, still in the same clothes as the night before, though it’s much more wrinkled now.
“Why don’t you let me fill you in, Kirk? Let Andy go inside. He probably wants to rest,” Steve suggests, and I send him a silent thank-you for the offer.
Curtis opens the door for me as Steve’s car pulls away, and I walk immediately to the couch and rest my head in my hands. He follows me in, but doesn’t sit down. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I look up at him, into eyes full of worry and fear and something I can’t put my finger on, and I feel myself crack a little bit more. The sobbing starts again, and I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap myself up tightly.
“Andy…” Curtis is next to me in the span of two breaths, and his arms hug me tightly, holding me awkwardly. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, and I hear his voice breaking.
“I’m not mad,” I choke out, crying against his neck. I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore, but I know that none of this is his fault. And I don’t want to burden him with it. “I just…I want to be alone for a little while, Curtis.”
He looks down at me, his eyebrows knotted and his lips trembling, “Are you sure?”
No. I don’t want to ever be alone again.
I nod, then kiss him softly to reassure him. “I just need to think all of this through.”
“Okay,” he replies, wiping some of the tears from my cheeks. “Call me, please?”
“I will,” I say as he kisses my forehead. When the door closes behind him, I curl into a ball on the couch and let myself cry. I hate myself. I lied to Curtis—I don’t want to be alone right now. I want him to hold me and take all of this pain and fear away. But I can’t ask him to do that. It’s too much. I told Steve that I would be okay—truth be told, I don’t know if I’ll ever figure out what this problem is, let alone ever get past it.
I betrayed Johan.
They’re going to find a way to make him look bad. They’ll ruin his reputation and end his career, and it will be all my fault.
Unless I can warn him.
It would be so easy. All I have to do is call him. I’m not sure what exactly I’ll say, because he’s going to be angry that I told them anything. But I have to stop this.
I pull out my cell phone and dial his home number. Busy. I dial his cell phone, but it automatically goes to his voicemail. I take a deep, shaky breath, and call the home number again.
This time, it rings.
