Chapter 17
Steve is waiting outside the locker room when we get to the arena; he nods at Kirk as he passes, but he stops me, reaching for my arm. He leads me down the hall to an empty trainer's room.
"Does everyone know?" I ask, meaning the rest of my teammates.
"Only Kirk and Curtis," he assures me. "When it all comes out, chances are that they'll be able to piece two and two together, though you never really have to tell them anything." He pauses, and his voice lowers a note, "How was your appointment?"
"He had a lot of questions. He asked why I ended up there. So I told him everything that happened in Pittsburgh, and then he asked me why it happened...why I allowed it. And I couldn't really answer," I say hurriedly, trying to get the words out without thinking about them too much.
One side of his mouth curls sympathetically, "It was only your first day, Andy. It'll get easier."
"I hope so," I shrug, then hesitate. "So...have you heard anything about the investigation?"
"Not too much yet. I know that they are trying to figure out if there is anyone in the organization who knew what was happening and stayed quiet. They're also looking for players who don't know about the situation, to see if they'd be willing to help."
A cold chill slips down my spine, "Does Mario know about the investigation?" I ask, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Most likely not, they want to keep it very low-key. In case there was someone higher in the organization that allowed it to happen, they want to keep them all in the dark," he answers. "But you should go change for practice," he adds, then pulls me into a hug. "It'll be okay, Andy."
What a difference from one captain to the next...
When I get to the locker room, half of the guys are already on the ice; Curtis is still in his stall, even though he's fully dressed.
"Hey," he says softly when he sees me. His eyes follow me across the room until I'm sitting next to him. He doesn't want to make a scene, but I can see in his face that he's worried about me.
I'm not sure I'll ever get used to that look. Whatever it is.
"Hi," I reply as I start to undress. As always, I turn my back while my shirt is off, hiding the scars that made Johan hate me. He watches me closely, not speaking until we're the last two left in the room.
"So everything went okay?" he asks.
I meet his eyes, swallowing the lump in my throat, "It was...I don't know. Can we just talk about it later?"
He stands and wraps his arms tightly around me, "Of course. I should get out there anyway," he kisses me, two gentle brushes of his lips, and then he goes towards the ice.
Practice is fairly routine, which is good, because I can't keep my mind focused on what I'm doing. I keep remembering some of the questions the therapist asked. Why did he start hitting me? Why did I let him? Why did I deserve it? Who led me to believe it was okay?
Flashbacks haunt me while we run drills. Johan telling me how worthless I am. Johan punching me. Johan kicking me. Johan sneering in disgust when I can't keep myself from crying.
"You okay?" Kirk asks when we're stretching at the end of practice.
"Thinking about stuff," I answer distractedly.
The question the doctor asked that bothered me the most was the only one I really knew the answer to. Even though I lied to him at the time and pretended I couldn't remember.
Did I ever mention it to anyone?
Of course I did.
Another memory plays and a wave of nausea hits me as I remember his words.
"It's the way things work at this level, Andrew. Learn to deal with it."
I tried to question him, but he kept talking. Cold sweat chills my skin as I remember it. "Don't bother complaining. It'll only make it worse. Besides, no one will take you seriously. Just suck it up and take it like a man."
"Andy, seriously, you're shaking. Are you alright?" Kirk asks more urgently, breaking me from the memory.
I glance up at him, and loud enough that only he can hear, I whisper, "That son of a bitch lied to me..."
I wonder if Kirk realizes I'm not talking about Johan this time.
