Chapter 24
We go through Ottawa and Buffalo after the incident in Toronto, and
we win both games. The first day back in Detroit is hectic. First I
have an appointment with Dr. Giannetti, after that I'm going with
Stevie to lunch, and then to meet up with the league officials for an
update on the investigation.
I explain to the doctor what happened with Renberg, and I tell him
the background of it. How Renberg is friends with Johan, how he knew
all along what was happening. From there, things only get more
confusing.
"Are voices normal?" I ask.
"What voices, exactly?" he counters, an eyebrow raised.
"Not just...voices, I guess. Its more a matter of...remembering
certain things that people have said to me. Like they're echoing in
my head or something," I pause, wondering if I'm making any
sense. "When Renberg said those things, he made me think of all the
things that Johan told me. All of the ways he would tell me I was
worthless and stupid...and then the insults just play in my head over
and over again."
"How long have you had these?"
"Well, the insults started almost two years ago. Even when I was away
from Johan, I could hear his voice. Taunting me. But since the night
I told Curtis...ever since Steve and Kirk found out and decided to
stick by me...I hear them too," I explain, and I hope that he doesn't
decide to just give up and throw me in a mental institution.
"Are they louder or quieter than Johan?" he asks calmly, and I'm
grateful that he hasn't written me off as completely crazy yet.
"They were getting almost loud enough to drown out the other one, at
least until Toronto," I answer. "I keep thinking that if I focus on
remembering the encouragement from Steve and Kirk and Curtis, maybe I
can get rid of Johan's voice."
Dr. Giannetti stops writing and looks up at me. "I don't want to dash
your hopes, Andrew. Nonetheless, the truth of the matter is that
there is a possibility that his voice, that little demon in the back
of your mind, will never be completely silenced. It might, but it's
more likely to stay. The important thing is that you accept it for
what it really is--a bad memory. It's nothing more than an echo of
the things--the very untruthful things--that Johan used to say to
you. A scar from a time in your life when you were weakened by
someone else. And you dwell on the good memories; you listen to the
encouraging voices."
When I go out to the lobby, I'm feeling better than I have since the
day at Curtis' place, before the game against the Leafs. I even
muster a smile for Kirk, who still insists on taking me to therapy.
"I assume that it went well," he says when we're walking to the car.
"It did. I got to explain what happened in Toronto," I reply, then
add hesitantly, "And fortunately, he refrained from telling me that
the voices in my head are a sure sign of complete insanity."
Kirk cocks an eyebrow at me, "Voices?"
I nod, and for a moment, I realize that talking to him about this
doesn't make my heart race or my palms sweat anymore. He's on my
side, and I trust him the same way I've grown to trust Steve and
especially Curtis. It's nice to have people to talk to. "There are
four voices," I explain, "Johan was first, he's mean and angry and
always telling me how useless I am."
"Son of a bitch," he mutters.
"Then there's Curtis, who tells me that everything will work out,
that he's there for me no matter what. Next is Steve, wise and kind,
reassuring me that I'm valuable and important and that he's going to
help me through this." I pause, glancing over at him, "You're the
fourth voice."
He looks almost surprised, "What is my voice there for?"
I grin, "I'm not sure exactly. Your voice is the one that just
randomly calls Johan a son of a bitch at inopportune moments."
