FADE IN:

EXT. ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT - 7 YEARS EARLIER

OLIVER STONE enters a temple and finds the SPIRIT OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT kneeling on the ground, repenting in sincere tears.

ALEXANDER'S GHOST

(sobbing tragically)

And I confess that I shouldn't have slaughtered millions of innocent people and destroyed dozens of civilizations just because I could not stand my egoism - Damn, what do you want from me, you 21st century self-important assclown?

OLIVER STONE

I'm trying to make an epic movie about Alexander the Great.

ALEXANDER'S GHOST

How do you plan to do this?

OLIVER STONE

I will create a grossly melodramatic Hollywood version of your personal story by totally disregarding your spectacular military ability and examining you as a person, mainly positively, from a modern perspective.

ALEXANDER'S GHOST

What? You can't do that! My military ability is PRECISELY the most important aspect of my greatness! And how are you supposed to talk into modern viewers that my life, which is full of bloody acts of conquests over other countries merely for my hard-to-satisfy ego, is consistent with the mainstream moral system in your society -

OLIVER STONE

Movie movie movie!

He recruits a shitload of MISCAST ACTORS and begins to rationalize ALEXANDER'S ABNORMAL PSYCHE.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. PELLA, MACEDONIA - ANCIENT TIMES

ALEXANDER'S HIDEOUS MOTHER ANGELINA JOLIE is fussing creepily over her CHILD ALEXANDER, JESSIE KAMM.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Oooooooh my cute little doe-eyed Jessie Kamm. I'm already envisioning you being the most awful person in human history. In order to manifest this, I must put my poisonous snakes around your neck.

JESSIE KAMM

(sighs)

My family is so sick.

Suddenly, ALEXANDER'S HIDEOUS FATHER, a disfigured VAL KILMER, storms into ANGELINA'S BEDROOM.

VAL KILMER

Robin! The Bat Signal! To the Batmobile!

JESSIE KAMM

Holy horrendously preposterous appearance, Batman!

VAL, who is about to rape ANGELINA in the presence of JESSIE, hears this and suddenly decides to instead strangle her.

VAL KILMER

FUCK THIS SCENE IS IMPORTANT AND IT HAS PROFOUND MEANING AND YOU MUST REMEMBER IT REMEMBER IT REMEMBER IT!!!

JESSIE KAMM

Wow, my family is really sick and the director is pounding this into the heads of the audience repeatedly. Jesus, only 12 minutes and this movie is already not making any sense.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

It will get worse.

JESSIE KAMM

Who...what are you?

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

I'm the old Ptolemy, formerly one of Alexander's companions. I will attempt a bit of historical sense by narrating the story with voice-overs, as well as creating some unintentional comic relief along the way.

JESSIE KAMM

Fine, just don't eat yourself in your misery. Your existence makes the rest of the cast realize they are actually not so wooden.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. PELLA, MACEDONIA - 8 YEARS LATER

CONNOR PAOLO

I'm the 12 year old Alexander and I'm very BAD ASS, because I can tame a wild horse by sissily whispering into his ears! Just like Robert Redford.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

As a matter of fact, you will wrestle with some random children before your small ass gets kicked. Terribly. You are so very weak, you little puke.

CONNOR PAOLO

Oh. Well, at least I don't deliver laughter-provoking lines like "Connor found his sanity in friendship" while I'm being bitterly kicked by other kids, or cite quotes like "Connor was never defeated, except by Patrick's thighs" in misleading contexts. Ugh, you are dishonoring me and your own acting career, you soulless bag of a collection of cheesy monologues.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

Shut up.

VAL KILMER

(jumps in)

Connor, you've mastered the crazy horse under my malicious permission to let you hurt yourself! I'm so proud of you, which means I will now tell you famous Greek stories that everybody already knows, but under a creepier circumstance!

He tells GREEK HORROR STORIES to CONNOR, in a DARK, DAMP CAVE with VIOLENT WALL PAINTINGS.

INT. CAVE

CONNOR PAOLO

Dad, I want to vomit. My stomach just turned 360'.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

Then suddenly, Val is murdered and Adult Alexander, played by an atrociously shitty Colin Farrell, becomes King. He invades Persia.

AUDIENCE

Oh, that's helpful.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. GAUGAMELA, PERSIA - MANY YEARS LATER

COLIN FARRELL

So, I have this unrealistic and impractical plan, and I'm obsessed with this Persian guy who mysteriously murdered Val.

JOHN KAVANAGH

That's madness.

COLIN FARRELL

Not if the cameraman gets drunk and screws up the entire battle scene.

ELLIOT COWAN

But how are we supposed to lead forty thousand men away from their homes and convince them to stay in dangerous foreign lands for what is likely to be the rest of their lives?

COLIN FARRELL

You know what? I have no fucking idea.

He makes an EMPTY-IF-NOT-DEPRESSING SPEECH to his CGI ARMY for 7 minutes. A bunch of ANIMALS OF UNDEFINED SYMBOLISM appear simultaneously.

CGI EAGLE

I'm a symbol.

ANGELINA'S SNAKES

We are too symbols.

COLIN'S HORSE

I'm a symbol as well.

COLIN FARRELL

Hmm, I think that destroys the tension. Now let's start the epic battle.

A large battle scene ENSUES! Blood SPILLS! Bodies get IMPALED! Limbs FALL OFF! Symbols FLY! The CAMERAMAN gets all crazy and starts to DANCE ALL OVER THE PLACE!

CAMERAMAN

YES, BLOOD! WOOEEE, BLOOD! LOOK AT THE STICKS! I'M A BIG GODDAMNED LUNATIC!

AUDIENCE

My head! The angles! Where's Colin in the midst of chaos?! And who is getting the upper-hand?! And why do Macedonians and Persians fight the same way in close distance?! And what's Colin's strategy?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

DIRECTOR OLIVER STONE

Oh no, add footnotes! Quick, use the most pathetic way to explain battle scenes - footnotes!

AUDIENCE

It doesn't work! I still don't know what's happening!

CAMERAMAN

Goddamn shooting is so fun! Let's use drastically unfitting music to further confuse the audience!

DIRECTOR OLIVER STONE

Stop the scene! Stop the scene! Quick! We've already wasted 9 straight minutes showing absolutely nothing!

COLIN FARRELL

(abruptly shows up)

I'm still obsessed with this Persian guy who mysteriously murdered Val. Wait, the battle is already over?

They somehow WIN the battle and ruin the first half of the movie.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. CAVE - MANY YEARS EARLIER

AUDIENCE

Hold it, there are actually three story lines going on together? What the hell?

CONNOR PAOLO

Dad, let's get the hell out of this place. Your glaringly symbolic stories are sickening me with horrible omens that inexplicably mirror my grim future.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. BABYLON, PERSIA

COLIN FARRELL

Oh Gosh. I don't know what to do with those conquered people. I mean, what if they follow the justifiable procedure and revolt?

PERSIANS

(offering candies and flowers)

Colin, we are so glad that you've conquered, slaughtered, robbed and humiliated us.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh.

The GREEKS enter BABYLON peacefully. CHEESY MUSIC swells. EVERYONE loves COLIN, even though he didn't really do anything. ROSE PETALS fall around. The camera shakes slightly. The BLOODY CONQUERORS bitch around the palace and eventually they enter a SETTING PROBABLY DIRECTLY TAKEN FROM A TEEN SEX COMEDY.

NUMEROUS EXOTIC, SEXY PEOPLE WITHOUT BALLS

Purrr. Feel free to rape us.

AUDIENCE

This is actually a distasteful fantasy sequence that a younger Alexander is dreaming of, right?

It ISN'T. Eventually, COLIN talks with HIS OTHER HALF, JARED LETO, who is covered in his RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY MAKEUP.

COLIN FARRELL

I have a dream. It is to free the people who I have no idea are free or not by forcing them into my service. Either that, or I will massacre them.

JARED LETO'S RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY MAKEUP

(inconsequentially)

I'm staring at you. Through my heavy make-up. I can stare at you without creating any chemistry. This means I love you.

COLIN FARRELL

Wait, wait, wait. You haven't talked so far and the audience essentially knows nothing about you and the first thing you are saying is that you love me, inexplicably? So is our relationship a purely spiritual one and/or a sexual thing?

JARED LETO'S RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY MAKEUP

Beats me.

Suddenly, COLIN decides to marry RANDOM ASIAN WOMAN ROSARIO DAWSON, because ROSARIO has DANCED before COLIN for 150 seconds.

COLIN FARRELL

After seven years of my Persia occupation I suddenly want to marry this random girl, badly. Despite this, our marriage is not so much about personal desires but more of an important political message.

HIS FUCKER GENERALS

But we're all for Greek superiority and we oppose your marriage for obnoxiously racist reasons.

JARED LETO'S RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY MAKEUP

And I'm so sad and jealous that you are forced to marry Rosario, even though that's actually your own decision. As such, I must stupidly blow up your relation with her by showing my affections in your bedroom at your WEDDING NIGHT. Maybe this scene proves that our relationship is really something more than spiritual stuff.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh, how moving. My heart is now so full of sorrow that the audience will have no choice but to sympathize with me.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

You still suck.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh yeah? At least I can actually FEEL, you God-awful plot device.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

Shit.

Suddenly, COLIN begins to have forced sex with ROSARIO. This is FOREBODING and IN-DEPTH.

DIRECTOR OLIVER STONE

(mused)

Isn't it interesting, observing your childhood idol fucking someone who hates him so thoroughly?

AUDIENCE

(crying)

God make it stop!

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. PELLA, MACEDONIA - 10 YEARS EARLIER

COLIN FARRELL

Something is happening...

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Son.

COLIN FARRELL

But not sure WHAT exactly is happening...

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

SON!

COLIN FARRELL

Jesus Christ, Lara, you are sexy. Can we make out?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Nope. I'm your cunning mother now. Seriously. But don't worry, sonny; our relationship, exhibited by our horrible acting in this scene, is one of the farthest departures from a healthy mother-son relationship that have ever made into a serious movie.

COLIN FARRELL

True; you look as if you are trying to seduce me and I look as if I'm ready to be seduced. So what happens now?

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

My dreadfully stereotypical performance has carved the idea of murdering your father into my head.

COLIN FARRELL

What? You must not be resentful enough to plan to murder someone who for as long as I can remember has been both mentally and physically torturing you for his own twisted satisfaction! Suddenly I don't respect you anymore!

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

And the tension resulting from which will drive our relationship further towards the antipathetic direction.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. SOFDIA, NORTHEAST PERSIA

Someone attempts to POISON COLIN. Therefore, COLIN executes JOSEPH MORGAN, who didn't really do anything. He proceeds to eliminate JOSEPH'S FATHER JOHN KAVANAGH.

COLIN FARRELL

People must be wishing me dead now.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. MACEDONIA - 9 YEARS EARLIER

VAL is MARRYING some UNATTRACTIVE FEMALE. Suddenly, his WORLD'S MOST LOATHSOME UNCLE-IN-LAW starts to publicly humiliate COLIN for no apparent reason while EVERYBODY effectively illustrates the underlying complex relations between COLIN, ANGELINA, VAL and the rest of the GREEKS.

VAL'S UNCLE-IN-LAW

My white niece Marie Meyer is better than Angelina because Angelina is not Macedonian and that alone qualifies her being a whore and so Colin is a half-bred bastard, har har har!

COLIN FARRELL

Jesus, that's the most disgusting thing a human being can ever spew out of his digestive system.

CRAZY VAL

Apologize to my loathsome uncle-in-law for saying that, you son of a bitch!

JARED LETO

Dude, I can't believe that you have just fully showed everyone present that you are a self-depreciating dumbass.

CRAZY VAL

Then in order not to depreciate myself too much, I will attack Colin and his mother in terms of his enormous ego and her obscenely huge expectation from him. Eh, see? I'm not so annoying, because there's some degree of truth in my harassment.

AUDIENCE

You are a deplorable asshole, ten times worse than Colin, who is bad enough.

CRAZY VAL

Oh. Well then I hope you can still be saddened when I suddenly get killed.

AUDIENCE

Nah.

COLIN FARRELL

Isn't it sad that the most well-acted, well-scripted and emotionally-charged scene has to end in 5 minutes without any follow-up explorations of it in this 167 minutes of a crappy movie?

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. HINDU KUSH

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

I'm very, VERY clichéd...and very, VERY dull...

COLIN FARRELL

No duller than I am. Speaking of dullness, where's our CGI eagle?

ELLIOT COWAN

Who cares? As long as you are making lengthy monologues, no one seems to care about this film or its characters, let alone our animal symbolism.

INT. INDIA

COLIN FARRELL

Oh dear. The morale of my army has been seriously weakened by India itself. Therefore, I must further damage it by poking fun at the stubborn racism of my fucker generals whom I reluctantly rely upon.

GARY STRETCH

I hate you for your lack of sufficient racism.

COLIN FARRELL

Too bad. Already have it. You should've got used to it by now.

GARY STRETCH

In that case, I will totally strip you of your dignity right in front of your people and allies.

(gives COLIN the finger)

IDIOT! PATHETIC! FILTH! BASTARD!

AUDIENCE

Oh God, he's really annoying.

GARY STRETCH

(with the finger)

WHORE! MORON! RETARD! TWERP!

COLIN FARRELL

This is completely stupid.

GARY STRETCH

(still with the finger)

JERK! SMARTASS! FAG! SCUM!

COLIN FARRELL

It's just common sense that if you want to embarrass a person, you should at least try not to embarrass yourself.

GARY STRETCH

(still with the finger)

JACKASS! DICK! MOTHERFUCKER! COCKSUCKER! I'M GONNA TEAR YOU A BRAND NEW ASSHOLE AND I'M GONNA FUCK YOU SO HARD THAT YOUR PENIS WILL -

FARRELL stabs STRETCH in a burst of outrage.

AUDIENCE

HOORAY YES GODDAMN HE DESERVED THAT -

(pause)

Uh, I mean this is...uh, not good...

COLIN mourns over GARY, who according to this movie has achieved nothing and really should have died sooner.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. MACEDONIA - 9 YEARS EARLIER

VAL gets STABBED by his former boy lover whom he abused.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh, so that's how I get to be King. And this scene is important at this particular point in time because...?

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. INDIA

COLIN is PISSED OFF by his MACEDONIAN ARMY because they are unwilling to fulfill his EGO, so he declares that he would "approve" their proposals of retirement and lead the ASIANS to fulfill it. The MACEDONIANS are inexplicably PISSED OFF by this, so they berate COLIN, and COLIN in response sucks up on them before he executes some of them.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

And...Colin was...no longer...loved...by ALL...

AUDIENCE

Why didn't you get killed?

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. SOME FOREST

COLIN FARRELL

Okay, people, let's get straight to the battle. Listen, our strategy is -

ELEPHANTS

RAR!

HIS ARMY

EEK!

JARED LETO

Don't panic, don't panic!

HIS ARMY

Oh god the chilly thing running down my spine is so annoying!

CAMERAMAN

I'M DRUNK AGAIN! WHEEE!

CHAOS ENSUES AGAIN AS THE CAMERAMAN STARTS JUMPING UP-AND-DOWN AGAIN AND LIMBS FALL OFF AGAIN AND PEOPLE GET SMASHED AGAIN AND BLOOD SPILLS AGAIN AND BONES SHOW UP AGAIN AND BODIES GET IMPALED AGAIN AND ANIMAL SYMBOLS ARE RAMPANT AGAIN!

DENIS CONWAY

AIM THEIR EYES USE YOUR BOWS FUCK WHERE'S YOUR BOW -

HIS ARMY

I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH CREATURES BEFORE MY LEGS ARE LIKE JELLY -

ELLIOT COWAN

SPREAD OUT SPREAD OUT DAMN DON'T JUST STAND THERE -

AUDIENCE

I'm bored. I want to go to the bathroom.

DIRECTOR OLIVER STONE

GAAAAA! TURN THE CAMERA TO COLIN QUICK COLIN WHERE ARE YOU -

CAMERAMAN

LET'S GET A SCENE FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF JARED LETO'S LEFT NOSTRIL -

An ELEPHANT knocks the CAMERAMAN unconscious and OLIVER turns the camera to COLIN'S and the INDIAN'S ANIMALS OF UNDEFINED SYMBOLISM.

COLIN'S HORSE

(to the ELEPHANT)

Rarr. I'll kill you.

RANDOM INDIAN ELEPHANT

(to COLIN'S HORSE)

Rarr. Look with talking.

COLIN FARRELL

I'm gonna die.

A RANDOM INDIAN suddenly shoots COLIN. He falls off his HORSE in slow motion. His BLOOD spills on the CAMERA and now everything suddenly has A SHADE OF REDNESS.

AUDIENCE

What the hell?

HIS TOTALLY BAD ASS ARMY abruptly wake up and start to KICK SOME ASS.

HIS ARMY

Don't mess up with us.

They easily overrun the NATIVES and ruin the second half of the movie.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. MACEDONIA - 9 YEARS EARLIER

COLIN FARRELL

What happened? I dreamed that I perished comically in a pink elephant battle -

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Your dad just died. You are King now.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh yeah. You must be the mastermind of Val's assassination.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Not me; I'm just an insane woman who wants her son to become King so desperately that she's willing to risk his reputation and life by putting him in a difficult position that is likely to raise the possibility of HIS murder.

COLIN FARRELL

Agggghhhhh! God this is so sick! I'm even seeing my mother's face in MY reflection! EWW!

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

It shows that your soul and human qualities have magically long shattered when I pushed my twisted love for you to the impossible extreme which has led to the consequence that you're now nothing more than the physical embodiment of my snake-like ambition and without my poisonous manipulation you are worthless and not even a fucking human being! Muahahahahahahaha!

COLIN FARRELL

I can't think of anything else that can be more disturbing than this.

DIRECTOR OLIVER STONE

Kiss your mother on the lips.

COLIN FARRELL

I want to die.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. INDIA

COLIN FARRELL

Hooray, the two confusing story lines finally come together! Let's head back to Babylon. I think I'm finally doing something right, because my CGI eagle is back.

VAL KILMER'S GHOST

Hello sonny.

COLIN FARRELL

Dad, I smile brightly when I see you in order to further confuse the audience in terms of whether seeing you is a good thing or a bad thing, since the last time I saw you I accidentally killed one of my fucker generals hotheaded. Let's act like lunatics and go home through a DEADLY DESERT without considering any alternatives!

They DO and almost obliterate themselves, which is really stupid and unnecessary.

INT. BABYLON, PERSIA

JARED LETO is suddenly dying.

JARED LETO'S ABSURD MAKEUP

Oh no, my ridiculous makeup is thicker than usual!

COLIN FARRELL

Jared, my Spouse, my Truelove, my Alter Ego! You cannot die like this, not when you are leaving without any memorable acting and the audience still knows nothing about you!

JARED LETO'S ABSURD MAKEUP

What? Wait a second, what am I? Am I just the extension of one of the many sides of your personality or an actual person? Oliver can't seem to decide.

COLIN FARRELL

I love you.

JARED LETO'S ABSURD MAKEUP

Oh. That's good to hear. Then please, my Truelove, look at my face so that I can be content when my unremarkable life suddenly comes to a tragic and outrageously symbolic end.

COLIN FARRELL

But I want to look at the sun and deliver homicidally hollow and lengthy monologues.

He DOES and JARED is KILLED by it. Since this is in fact rather HILARIOUS than SAD, the AUDIENCE doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.

COLIN FARRELL (CONT'D)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

He runs off to strangle ROSARIO; this is also FOREBODING and IN-DEPTH because VAL did the same when JESSIE was around.

JESSIE KAMM (V.O.)

I told you my family was sick. Even Colin is clearly losing his mind now.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. RANDOM PALACE LOCATION

COLIN and HIS FUCKER GENERALS are holding a party of SOMETHING-OR-OTHER. This is the scariest scene from the entire movie, because EVERYONE suddenly looks like A GENUINE FREAK WITH GHASTLY MAKEUP AND CRANKY BEHAVIOR.

COLIN FARRELL

Part of me - and that includes all my sanity - died with Jared. Therefore, I'm now totally the physical embodiment of my Medusa-like mother.

He sees ANGELINA'S MORE-HIDEOUS-THAN-USUAL FACE replacing his own reflection in his CLEARLY POISONED WINE, so he DRINKS it and is stricken down immediately.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. COLIN'S DEATH ROOM

HIS FUCKER GENERALS

Tell us what we can get from you before you die, so that we can completely blaspheme your legacy after that.

COLIN FARRELL

(coughing furiously)

You people murdered me in cold blood. I hate you all. I hope you all get skinned then drowned in the sourest lemonade. With Angelina's snakes. Wait, I'm seeing stuff. So what's up with that CGI eagle? And the snakes? And Jared's ring? And cave? And that Persian guy who mysteriously murdered Val?

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

Those are the elements of your pathetic life, you mutated wimp.

COLIN FARRELL

Hey asshat, at least I don't have to endure this stupid movie IN ITS ENTIRETY!

(dies)

AUDIENCE

What a poor, ill-fated, crazy guy, driven madly selfish and hypocritical and ambitious and blood-thirsty and irresponsible and moronic because he was tormented by his family and his fucker generals.

(pause)

But why the hell was he "Great", anyway?

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V.O.)

And so...on the 10th of June...a month short of his 33rd year...Colin's great heart...Jesus, where is the audience going?

CGI EAGLE

On their way to see Alexander's corpse spinning for the 10000th time.

END