FADE IN:

EXT. THE BLEAK WEST - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

The AUDIENCE sees an incredibly bleak landscape and hears deliberately miserable music. Suddenly, A STOIC MAN meets with A CLEARLY GAY GUY who is approximately three thousand light-years out of his league.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hello Heath, to round the concept of notorious Existentialist Writer Annie Proulx's that life is essentially meaningless and miserable, I'm planning to destroy my life. What will you suggest?

HEATH LEDGER

(spitting and abusing sheep)

Go away, fag. Me ain't queer because me denied me own feels.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I see. You and I can fall in love and rot in your self-resentment.

The GAY SHEEPHERDERS try to herd SHEEP. Eventually, their intimacy is considerably deepened when HEATH begins to ridicule JAKE disdainfully and views his good-for-nothing life as cheap entertainment, which makes them both very HAPPY. This should be ROMANTIC and TOUCHING, so they FUCK and become INSEPARABLE.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL (cont'd)

Oh, you unholily pathetic dumbass of a homophobe, I'm now totally in love with you. Live with me, because all I want is a genuine gay life and I don't care who I'm gonna live with.

HEATH LEDGER

Fuck off, u hornball with no sense of commitment. Me ain't queer.

FILM CRITICS

How moving. The essence of Truelove!

AUDIENCE

What? What happened? How did they fall in love besides having physical attraction? Did I miss anything crucial to the plot?

Suddenly, HEATH AND JAKE SIGNATURE MUSIC rudely interrupts the otherwise music-less film, faking AURA OF MELANCHOLY ROMANCE.

FUNNY HEATH AND JAKE SIGNATURE MUSIC

This is very romantic and emotional.

AUDIENCE

Oh.

Now that they are HAPPY, the SHEEPHERDERS must DEPART in order to be SAD. They DO.

INT. THE BLEAK WEST - NOT IN RANDOM MOUNTAINS

The separated GAY SHEEPHERDERS try to lead DEPRESSING STRAIGHT LIVES by marrying RANDOM WOMEN MICHELLE WILLIAMS and ANNE HATHAWAY, who have no character function but to be tortured by their husbands' HOMOSEXUALITY. The couples FUCK, so that the WOMEN can bare their BREASTS, which is very IMPORTANT and IN-DEPTH in this GAY movie.

HEATH LEDGER

(sighing)

If only I could fuck Jake Gyllenhaal.

(pause)

Though me ain't queer.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(sighing)

If only I could be fucked, and anyone will do.

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

So, isn't life meaningless and miserable without your tragically reluctant Truelove?

AUDIENCE

I...I can't think...all I see are those Breasts...they are everywhere...

Then suddenly, CHEESY COUNTRY MUSIC pops out.

FUNNY HEATH AND JAKE SIGNATURE MUSIC

This is very romantic and emotional.

HEATH and JAKE find and KISS each other fiercely right in front of HEATH'S RANDOM WOMAN MICHELLE WILLIAMS. The men then go to a RANDOM VACATION LOCATION to have some IMPORTANT FUCK.

EXT. THE BLEAK WEST - RANDOM MOUNTAINS

HEATH LEDGER

(after fucking in a lake)

Wheeee! I've finally fucked Jake Gyllenhaal! Awesome!

(pause)

Me ain't queer! Me ain't! AAAAIIIIINNNNN'T!!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(cries)

How meaningless and miserable my life is!

They DEPART again, but agree to FUCK every 20 minutes of screen time.

INT. THE BLEAK WEST - NOT IN RANDOM MOUNTAINS

JAKE always longs for a LIFE with HEATH, but HEATH always refuses because he is SELF-DECEIVING and PATHETIC; therefore, the GAY SHEEPHERDERS must continue to try to lead DEPRESSING STRAIGHT LIVES by making out with numerous RANDOM WOMEN. They FAIL, since their RANDOM WOMEN are BITTER BITCHES and aren't their TRUELOVES. They try again and FAIL again. Then they try again and FAIL again.

HEATH LEDGER

(fucking Jake)

Me ain't queer. Really.

HEATH and JAKE cheat on EVERYONE; eventually, JAKE also cheats on HEATH by effectively seducing both DAVID HARBOUR and his ANNOYING WIFE ANNA FARIS, consequently making them cheat on each other.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Holy shit, when did my existence evolve into this incorrigibly horrible mess?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

Well, isn't life meaningless and miserable without your tragically reluctant Truelove?

AUDIENCE

(pissed)

Yeah...and it's ugly and immoral in many ways too.

After twenty years of A REPETITIOUS SERIES OF EVENTS OF PURE MISERY, HEATH and JAKE FUCK again, for the last time.

EXT. THE BLEAK WEST - RANDOM MOUNTAINS

FUNNY HEATH AND JAKE SIGNATURE MUSIC

THIS IS VERY ROMANTIC AND EMOTIONAL!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(sighing)

Life is so meaningless and miserable without you fucking me more frequently, my tragically reluctant Truelove.

HEATH LEDGER

I know, and to make matters worse, I'm gonna postpone our next fuck to November.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Jesus, abruptly I'm consumed by tragic bitterness! I'm clearly astonished and outraged by this three-month delay, despite the fact that given the nature of Heath's ranch hand job incidents like this should be very common throughout the past twenty years!

HEATH LEDGER

Have you been fucked in Mexico, Jake motherfucking Gyllenhaal?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

What?

HEATH LEDGER

Ha, suddenly I have the right to be violent and angry!

He kicks JAKE in the testicles. JAKE, pissed like hell, snaps! Devastatingly!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hey, that is NONE of your business, okay? Listen to you. What do you think you are? How dare you judge me? I mean, what are you? You think you're some kind of like, angel here? No, you're just this wife-cheating...wannabe pitiful...m-man.

HEATH LEDGER

Well at least I never went to Mexico, because ME ain't queer!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(sobs)

How repeatedly depressing! To further the tragedy, I must now recollect the beautifully filmed distant moment on Brokeback Mountain and render it pointless by deciding to submit myself to another man as soon as you and I depart.

He does this.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL (CONT'D)

(crying now)

Oh God. My life! It's so meaningless and miserable!

(pause)

Thank goodness it's brief.

He DIES somewhere off-screen. As HEATH eventually learns this, a clip of JAKE being brutally beaten up by HOMOPHOBIC MOTHERFUCKERS plays. This is SOMEWHAT TRAGIC, as well as AWFULLY PREDICTABLE.

INT. THE BLEAK WEST - NOT IN RANDOM MOUNTAINS

HEATH continues his MEANINGLESS and MISERABLE life. He is very DISTRESSED, because JAKE is DEAD and also, perhaps more importantly, because HIS DAUGHTER is getting MARRIED. Finally realizing that he has truly lost everything because of giving up JAKE for his one-dimensional, unreliable DAUGHTER, he says:

HEATH LEDGER

(banging his head against the wall, weeping)

Oh poor Jake, my one Truelove! I'm so sorry, Love. You were so good to me and I've never appreciated that until now when I've lost you forever and my daughter has forsaken me. Please come back to me so that I won't be alone My Love. I love you. Me ain't queer, by the way.

As the AUDIENCE is extremely pissed, FUNNY HEATH AND JAKE SIGNATURE MUSIC cuts in, inspiring ILLUSIONS OF MELANCHOLY ROMANCE.

FILM CRITICS

What a beautiful tragedy, wonderfully illustrating the nature and greatness of Truelove.

AUDIENCE

Yeah, it's beautiful.

(pause)

Wait, this is also confusing. So what could the characters have done to get out of the tragic situation? I mean, if you run away with your Truelove and pursue your happiness, then the Goddamn society will ultimately kill you, like what it did to Jake. But if you choose to stay in the closet and lead a straight life, your life will be meaningless and miserable, and your Truelove will die anyway.

The AUDIENCE leaves the theater and, believing LIFE is innately MEANINGLESS, MISERABLE and GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, commits suicide.

END