FADE IN:

EXT. TARA - LAVISH, PRE-CIVIL-WAR LANDSCAPE

VIVIEN LEIGH walks around and begins overacting; she looks PRETTY. So does EVERYTHING around her.

VIVIEN LEIGH

Look around you! Life is so beautiful before the Northern swine ever steps into this face of land!

THOMAS MITCHELL

That's right, sweetheart; before the North ever foils our attempt to permanently turn the entire South into slavery, we are entirely free to exploit the disadvantaged people and essentially build our luxury and comfort on the massive suffering of them. This lavish environment, as well as our pompous nature, is the proof for the benefits of slavery and that's why this movie is defending it.

VIVIEN LEIGH

Then the North stops us from exploiting the damn colored, lower-class people, thus making us lose the foundation of our easily-earned extravagant life! How appalling! Manipulative director Victor Fleming is clearly doing U.S. history justice!

MANIPULATIVE DIRECTOR VICTOR FLEMING

And in order to visually justify this position, I will ignore historical facts and omit any scene that might imply the well-known truth that the South is savagely exploiting black people.

All the BLACKS are being treated like FAMILY MEMBERS.

THOMAS MITCHELL

They are just not recognized as fully-functioning human beings; really, it isn't as bad as it sounds.

Then VIVIEN LEIGH suddenly decides to love LESLIE HOWARD, because that's SOAP-OPERATIC.

VIVIEN LEIGH

I'm pretty! And RICH! I have the right to make everyone love me!

But LESLIE is immune to her PRETTINESS and decides to love OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND, because that's also SOAP-OPERATIC.

LESLIE HOWARD

I'm mild-mannered, meek and the exact opposite of Clark Gable. Other than that, I have absolutely no personality and serve merely as a plot device.

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND

I'm the female version of Leslie Howard. I will be the exact opposite of Vivien Leigh and a glaring symbolism figure of uprightness. Please disregard the fact that we would continue to exploit the blacks if we could.

VIVIEN LEIGH

(pouting)

Leslie doesn't love me! I must proceed to marry Olivia's brother and discard him as I please.

She DOES. Then the war is initiated by the SOUTH. OLIVIA'S BROTHER DIES, but VIVIEN doesn't CARE because she still loves LESLIE, who is also in the army.

INT. FUNDRAISING BALL

VIVIEN LEIGH

I don't feel the least affected by my husband's death just because I don't love him. Incomprehensibly, my complete lack of commitment to my marriage doesn't make me an unabashedly uncaring, cynical, disrespectful bitch.

CLARK GABLE

(jumps in)

Hello Vivien; I'm an unabashedly uncaring, cynical, disrespectful asshole. I've noticed the astounding similarity between us, which is the only reason why I'm inexplicably attracted to you. Let's dance and show off my bizarrely infinite supply of money!

VIVIEN LEIGH

Sure. You see, actually I'm attracted to you as well, even though I firmly believe that I'm in love with Leslie for egoism reasons.

FANGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE

(tears in their eyes)

How romantic! The Queen Mother of all teary soap operas!

Eventually VIVIEN and OLIVIA go to the downtown area of ATLANTA to care for the wounded and help DR. DAVENPORT. OLIVIA is attentive and nice to EVERYONE, as if she has endless patience, kindness and strength in her.

INT. CHURCH/IMPROMPTU HOSPITAL

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND

I'm not feeling well, Vivien.

VIVIEN LEIGH

Because you've overworked while pregnant?

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND

No, because my upright character is getting increasingly one-dimensional and unbelievable with my unrealistic conduct.

Suddenly, some GRUESOME DEMONSTRATION OF WAR CASUALTY is shown.

DR. DAVENPORT

Obviously war is a disaster for everybody.

VIVIEN LEIGH

War is hell!

WILLIAM T. SHERMAN

Correct; war is hell. The South started and asked for it. Haven’t you read von Clausewitz' ON WAR?

He drives into ATLANTA.

EXT. PANIC-FILLED, IN-CIVIL-WAR STREET

EVERYONE runs like hell. With ARDUOUS EFFORTS (ORIGINAL VERSION) and CLARK'S help VIVIEN gets home, only to learn that OLIVIA is in labor. So again with ARDUOUS EFFORTS (POORLY ADAPTED VERSION) she gets back to DR. DAVENPORT for help. And FAILS.

DR. DAVENPORT

Isn't it evident that I already have over a thousand people to look after?

VIVIEN LEIGH

But why aren't you running like everyone else? Aren't you afraid of William and won't you want to move your patients to safer places?

With ARDUOUS EFFORTS (POORLY ADAPTED VERSION) VIVIEN again gets home. She abruptly slaps the ANNOYING BLACK GIRL, who is being unnecessarily ludicrous.

ANNOYING BLACK GIRL WITH AN INSULTING NAME

This movie is truly racist.

VIVIEN LEIGH

Then I guess only I can deliver the child!

She DOES. Miraculously, both the child and the mother survive her clumsy tending. Being MYSTERIOUSLY RESOURCEFUL, CLARK then leaves them his carriage and his horse in the middle of NOWHERE, where he goes to join the war.

CLARK GABLE

I'm very heroic.

VIVIEN LEIGH

You are joining the war only after the South is clearly losing the upper-hand? Why? Why couldn't you have done that earlier?

CLARK GABLE

Because then I would be brave and rational, not to mention having a much smaller but decent part in this movie. Shockingly, my cowardly and petty act still allows me to be admirable. I'm going to fight a losing battle and leave you with the dangerous road and raiding "Yankees", because I value joining the army without making any actual difference more than the definite safety of four civilians.

He forces a kiss from VIVIEN and leaves. This is also ROMANTIC. VIVIEN begins her epic marching back to TARA. The journey requires, of course, ARDUOUS EFFORTS (AWKWARDLY EXTENDED VERSION). Other than that, nothing happens until VIVIEN suddenly kills CLARK'S HORSE.

VIVIEN LEIGH

(overacting and kicking the horse corpse)

Damn horse! How could you betray me by being exhausted by my unrelenting abuse?!

ANNOYING BLACK GIRL WITH AN INSULTING NAME

I'm curious what Peter Singer has to say about this film.

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND

Vivien, you saved my life! I love you!

EXT. TARA - DEMOLISHED, POST-CIVIL-WAR LANDSCAPE

VIVIEN LEIGH

Phew. I'm ready to enjoy a comfortable life.

THOMAS MITCHELL

No way, sweetheart. This place has become uninhabitable. And your mom is dead. And the majority of our complimentary labor force has left us. And if that doesn't make the situation look bad enough, I shall add that I'm now insane.

VIVIEN LEIGH

(overacting)

It's all the North's fault!

(pause)

I will never be hungry again. The only way to accomplish this is to lie, steal and kill.

THOMAS MITCHELL

Er, what are you talking about? You have only been hungry for the days you were on your journey and you've already been driven crazy by it?

VIVIEN LEIGH

But saying that somehow justifies my egoism. I'm totally happy to destroy other people's lives for my own selfish purposes.

FILM CRITICS

I think I'm in love! Being a "strong" but immoral, selfish, obnoxious brat is what defines a heroine!

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND

I love you Vivien Leigh!

They begin to pick some COTTON, finally vaguely tasting what is like working in the fields, which is what they have been whipping the SLAVES to do all the time. This is one of the more interesting scenes in the movie that end too quickly because the actresses are too good-looking to work.

INT. TARA - DEMOLISHED, POST-CIVIL-WAR HOUSE

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND

Vivien! The evil Union Government wants to tax us unfairly!

VIVIEN LEIGH

I don't have $300! To escape this, I must ask your husband Leslie to run away with me.

She FAILS. So she asks CLARK for help, lamely. She FAILS again.

VIVIEN LEIGH (cont'd)

How lamentable! To get the $300, I must steal my sister's fiancée from her and carelessly break her heart.

EVELYN KEYES

But I'm your sister! If I married my boyfriend Carroll Nye, wouldn't you still get his money through me?

VIVIEN LEIGH

True, but that won't be as dramatic and immoral.

INT. CARROLL'S FACTORY

UNLIKABLE NORTHERN POLITICIAN

I want to encourage African-Americans to vote and defend their dignity! Somehow, what I'm doing is EVIL!

Meanwhile, VIVIEN LEIGH exploits the WORKERS and pisses EVERYONE off. What she's doing is NOT EVIL.

VIVIEN LEIGH

I just want to make much, much more money than needed. My cruel actions are purely out of self-centric capitalist interest, and this scene proves that monetary ambition can rightly replace the sense of justice in factory owners.

LESLIE HOWARD

I have a shred of sense of justice.

VIVIEN LEIGH

Then you are stupid. By the way, I'm going on a business trip.

LESLIE HOWARD

You mean you are going through an area full of Evil African-Americans on your own?

VIVIEN LEIGH

Fiddle-dee-dee. I have my gun even though I can't hold it straight when confronted. They won't dare to attack ME, a weak Southern bitch.

She is ATTACKED anyway.

VIVIEN LEIGH (CONT'D)

(scared shitless)

Oh Lord! I must immediately faint and look pretty.

She DOES and is soundly asleep. One of the EVIL AFRICAN-AMERICANS wants to take advantage of this.

EVIL AFRICAN-AMERICANS

Ugh. This movie can't be more racist, can it?

Luckily, VIVIEN'S former slave, EVERETT BROWN, rescues her from his fellow FREED AND BARBARIC AFRICAN-AMERICANS. This is BLATANT SYMBOLISM.

MANIPULATIVE DIRECTOR VICTOR FLEMING

The shadow of slavery has saved Vivien Leigh! Look what loyalty slavery has nurtured in Everett's primitive heart! Slavery is surely a favorable sort of human relationship!

INT. SOME HOUSE

The housewives hear that CARROLL NYE and LESLIE HOWARD have gone to avenge VIVIEN. Probably as the KU-KLUX-KLAN. Then an unconscious LESLIE is carried into the house and the wives learn that CARROLL is KILLED. DUMB POLICEMEN come in and go out.

POLICE

We, the people who oppress the Ku-Klux-Klan, are Evil, but we were not so Evil back in the days of pre-Civil-War time when we would arrest and torture colored people for no good reason.

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND

I love Vivien Leigh.

VIVIEN is SAD, but naturally not because CARROLL has DIED for her. Being her unabashedly uncaring, cynical, disrespectful self, she immediately [or finally?] marries CLARK GABLE.

FANGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE

HOORAY!

INT. HONEYMOON: NEW ORLEANS

VIVIEN LEIGH

I have achieved a higher level of overacting. Hear how unreal my voice sounds when I whimper in my dream!

CLARK GABLE

Damn; let's get back to Atlanta where you can be at least semi-tolerable.

INT. CLARK'S ESTATE

CLARK GABLE

I love you.

VIVIEN LEIGH

But I don't. I'm in love with Leslie.

CLARK GABLE

I'm depressed. I will hurt you.

The above scene repeats itself for at least seven times before CLARK decides to rape VIVIEN.

VIVIEN LEIGH

And I enjoyed this, even though his actions were highly likely to be animalistic.

MALE FILM CRITICS

How disturbingly romantic! I certainly hope every woman in the society is like that!

Then CLARK attempts to have a DIVORCE. They ARGUE. Without warnings, VIVIEN suddenly falls SICK. Predictably, she overacts and constantly screams for CLARK in her dream all the time, even though that's scientifically IMPOSSIBLE. Eventually the duo reconcile and start to act like NORMAL PEOPLE.

VIVIEN LEIGH

After an eternity of nothingness, our future together finally looks a bit promising.

Then THEIR DOLL-LIKE DAUGHTER, whom no one really gets to know or cares about, DIES.

VIVIEN LEIGH (CONT'D)

How catastrophic!

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND can't bear her extremely bland persona any more and DIES AS WELL.

VIVIEN LEIGH (CONT'D)

How tragic! Suddenly I've realized my exclusive love for Clark! Leslie, how could you trick me into believing I was in love with you?

LESLIE HOWARD

(checking his script)

But I never said I loved you. And isn't it a bit disturbing that you didn't realize that you love Clark until your competitor for my love died, combining with the fact that competitor has always worshiped you?

VIVIEN LEIGH

Shut up. This is tragically romantic.

INT. CLARK'S ESTATE

VIVIEN LEIGH

I LOVE YOU CLARK GABLE! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, LOOOOOOOOOVE, YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!

CLARK GABLE

Oh. Then as the male lead of this self-important romantic movie, I must divorce you. In an unrealistic but effectively melodramatic way.

VIVIEN LEIGH

(in the climax of overacting)

Oh Clark!

(pause)

Clark!

(pause)

Clark! CLARK!

(pause)

Why, Clark, why are you doing this to us?

CLARK GABLE

Don't you realize this is a massive, plot-wise fragmented soap opera that condemns every possible aspect of morality and sanity, lightly taken from a distorted historical background from the self-righteous perspective of the disgruntled former oppressors? I gotta leave this movie and rescue my acting career!

VIVIEN LEIGH / MANIPULATIVE DIRECTOR VICTOR FLEMING

(crying prettily)

Oh no, how heartbreaking! How shall I continue this four-hour cheesy jumble of pointless justification for slavery and immorality without the only actor whose performance ever approaches believable acting?

WHAT REMAINS OF THE SANITY OF THE AUDIENCE

Frankly my dear, we don't give a damn.

END