FADE IN:
INT. BORING HOME
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Based on the fact that my first Harry Potter movie was so financially successful, I'm going to make a direct copy of it, just so it's as if the first movie didn't suck so much.
He pans his CAMERA to DANIEL RADCLIFFE, who is walking around in his room and being abused by his NASTY FOSTER PARENTS, again.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
As in the first movie, the spirit of my heart is so thoroughly deprived of joy and laughing without the presence of cheap special effects. The only thing that could refill my drained soul is obviously being rescued from my mundane non-CGI life in a preposterous fashion, again.
RUPERT GRINT, telepathically hearing DANIEL, rescues him from his mundane non-CGI life in a preposterous fashion.
RUPERT GRINT
(flying)
Daniel! I've just been to a 60's movie THE ABSENT MINDED PROFESSOR! Care for a ride so that we can wake up every non-magical person on this street?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Awesome! See, this film is not identical to the first one, because we have a loathsome flying car stolen from another movie! And Rupert isn't the shell-shocked comic relief screaming scene cues anymore, he's -
RUPERT GRINT
GAAAAA! BLUE FLYING CAR! MAGIC! SEQUEL! WATCH THIS WATCH THIS WATCH THIS!
They FLY to RUPERT'S HOUSE OF CGI EFFECTS.
INT. RUPERT'S HOUSE OF CGI EFFECTS
DANIEL steps in and smiles at all the GRATUITOUS EFFECTS, which are JUSTIFIED because this is a HARRY POTTER MOVIE. They meet with RUPERT'S FAMILY, who are just as bluntly comical as RUPERT is. They subsequently go to DIAGON ALLEY and run into OTHER ANNOYING CAST, as they did in the first movie.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
It is very important to routinely repeat all the necessary elements of a Harry Potter movie, despite how annoying they've become.
exT. DIAGON ALLEY
TOM FELTON
Daniel! I'm back and I'm still a worthless character!
ROBBIE COLTRANE
I've also returned, and I'm still unnecessarily comical!
EMMA WATSON'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE
I'm also here and even more obnoxious than I used to be! I see you are half way through the thorough repetition of the opening of the previous movie. To complete this, I will use Magic on your glasses, Again.
She DOES.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Wow, how come you are able to summon visual workers outside Hogwarts while I can't?
EMMA WATSON'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE
My power of showing off is unstoppable, and I represent the laws of logic by defying them!
Suddenly, DOOMED PROFESSOR OF THE YEAR hops on stage and immediately sets off to make a fool of himself.
KENNETH BRANAGH
I'm so detestably ludicrous that, instead of being humorous and interesting, my presence only makes the audience want me to die.
EXT. SCOTLAND
RUPERT and DANIEL go to school. Failing to get through the magic wall, they decide to drive the PROFESSOR'S CAR, the key to which is obtained by RUPERT for some reason. As soon as they take off they begin screaming, because RUPERT can't drive, so that we know RUPERT is a jackass AND a moron.
RUPERT GRINT
GAAAAAAA! CHEAP JUSTIFICATION FOR POINTLESS SPECIAL EFFECTS! THIS SCENE IS OUTRAGEOUSLY SILLY, SO THIS MOVIE IS DEFINITELY NOT TAKING ITSELF SERIOUSLY!
AUTHOR J. K. ROWLING
Damn. I was drunk when I wrote this mindless garbage.
Their CAR crashes into A DANGEROUS CGI WILLOW, which immediately begins to CRUSH THEM.
RUPERT GRINT
AIEEEEEEE! MY WAND! I PROVIDE COMIC RELIEF BY ASSOCIATING FUN WITH MY MISERY!
(pause)
GOD HELP ME!
Suddenly, on the verge of the CAR'S destruction, it suddenly springs into life and maneuvers them out of the scene.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
This thing can actually do autopilot? Why didn't it do it when we were sprinting to our death when we almost hit the wall? You -
The CAR SLAPS him and pushes the RED BUTTON, ejecting DANIEL and RUPERT.
CAR
Suckers.
He goes down his merry way of being attacked by dangerous CGI CREATURES IN THE DARK "CHEESY-NAME" FOREST.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
...bloody piece of rusty machinery.
RICHARD HARRIS
Daniel! Rupert! I'm fair and obviously don't hold celebrities above the law! You two have just committed the act that for other people would have warranted probation!
(pause)
Never mind, brave protagonists. Good luck with the story.
INT. SOMEWHERE IN HOGWARTS, NOT THAT WE CARE
DANIEL AND FRIENDS are once again experiencing the horrors of Hogwarts' magical, mysteriously fatal grounds, and attending CGI classes that don't really have anything related to the central plot.
AUDIENCE
Crap, are they gonna do all the stuff they did in the first movie?
EMMA WATSON'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE
What is that you are learning again?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Uh...I'm learning how to act and stop pretending I'm not part of the story.
Suddenly, they come across a PUPPET CAT.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, Jesus, a dead cat.
AUDIENCE
Zzz...
EMMA WATSON'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE
And there's red paint on the wall.
AUDIENCE
Zzz...
Suddenly, LOUD HARRY POTTER THEME SONG MIXED WITH CHEESY TEEN HORROR MOVIE SOUNDTRACK strikes in!
RUPERT GRINT
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! A FAKE CAT! ODD PAINT! SPIDERS! CONSPIRACY! WOOOO SCARY SCARY SCARY! DUN-DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNNN! WE ARE SO SHOCKED, LIKE WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT DESPITE US STUDENTS' HARMFULLY MISCHIEVOUS NATURE AND THIS JUST CAN'T BE A SICK PRANK BY SOME PEOPLE!
AUDIENCE
(in dazed stupor)
What?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
So, we, as twelve-year-olds, must unveil the secret of the heir of Slytherin that has haunted Hogwarts for fifty years within a year, so that we can prove Richard Harris is a freakin' lousy Headmaster!
EMMA WATSON'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE
And we must achieve this with our skills and brains that are anything but exceptional, because no one else in this story is important enough to do this!
RUPERT GRINT
MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY! NEW ADDITION TO NANCY DREW NOVELS!
They solve PUZZLES, occasionally interrupted by another POINTLESS ANIMATED CONTEST MADE UP OF BADLY-RENDERED CGI CHILDREN.
AUTHOR J. K. ROWLING
Wooohooo! Another clue! How useful and enlightening! That is, unless you are telepathic and know some random magic facts that won't be metioned or implied in any way until the perpetrator explains his plot at the END of my story! Har har har!
This is all very EXCITING and SUSPENSEFUL, especially for those who have read THE SECOND BOOK ten times and can recite the ending backwards.
FANS IN THE AUDIENCE
How satisfying it is to see the mere visualization of the dialogues and settings without the drama in the story! It's like a sucker's dream come true!
Eventually, the TRIO'S clues somehow lead them to TOM FELTON, an undersize jerk.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Because he insulted Emma, like any other wizard purists would do. Clearly targeting HIM makes a lot more sense than targeting some alternative, albeit more powerful people in Slytherin!
They are WRONG, making half of this movie POINTLESS.
EMMA WATSON'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE
Oh well. Time for another clue.
(pause)
Hey, Daniel, tell us all about Parseltongue.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Well, in the first movie it sounded like normal human, but now it sounds like hissed Huttese. Which is disturbingly similar to this voice I'm hearing.
EMMA WATSON'S OBNOXIOUS VOICE
Then let's disassociate this with that until the end of this movie.
For further clues, they enter a bathroom where DANIEL pries a book out of a toilet, which is titled THE ABANDONED MANUSCRIPT OF HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.
AUTHOR J. K. ROWLING
Muahahahahaha! You're all hopelessly hooked! I'M MAKING YOU IGNORE THE OBVIOUS AND INSTEAD ROOT FOR THE MEANINGLESS!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(writing)
My name is Daniel Radcliffe. I'm shocked that despite that I'm a horrible actor I still retain this role, especially after my breathtakingly absurd performance when I apathetically encountered and examined Justin Finch-Fletchley's lifeless body.
MANUSCRIPT
Wait; you actually write your real name on random objects?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(writing)
Yeah, since deep down I'm a person suffering from personal identity disorder. I'm surrounded by many untrustworthy magical artifacts, and so I naturally assume it's safe to scratch my name on this freaky thinking thing that someone else wants to get rid of.
MANUSCRIPT
Well, I happen to be the prototype of the script for Harry Potter II, and I have access to the plot.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Whoa. Sweet. I'm communicating with...a script...via handwriting. Hmm, I shall take this suspiciously convenient opportunity to know the plot in advance.
(writing)
What can you do?
MANUSCRIPT
I will take you to Christian Coulson's memory without your explicit consent.
It DOES, and apparently CHRISTIAN'S MEMORY is all in black-and-white, which really sucks for him. DANIEL then witnesses ROBBIE COLTRANE being arrested for keeping illegal furry animals.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Things are finally coming together. Robbie and that furry animal must have something to do with the voice I'm hearing.
Suddenly, EMMA is ATTACKED, and is no longer part of the action. DANIEL and RUPERT meet up with more CGI and find another CLUE in the DARK "CHEESY-NAME" FOREST.
RUPERT GRINT
SPIDDDDDDDEEEERRRRRRRRRRRSSSSS! I'M SO STUPID AND USELESS IT HURTS!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Maybe it's a good time to talk to the inanimate Emma for no particular reason, since both of us are basically brain-dead losers.
They visit EMMA and produce some overtly sentimental crap, which wouldn't be so pathetic had the actors been only slightly more talented.
RUPERT GRINT
WHY, EMMA, WHY? YOU ARE DEAF AND COLD, AND WE ARE STILL TALKING TO YOU! SOMEHOW THIS SHOULDN'T BE FUNNY!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(looking as if he hurt a toenail)
And we wish you were here, Emma.
(pause)
Actually, I don't want you to be here at all. Actually, I'm glad you've quit trying to upstage me, you arrogant, screeching know-it-all. I feel little to no sympathy for you; this is plainly written all over my emotionless face.
RUPERT GRINT
(helpfully pointing at a piece of PLOT clutched in Emma's hand)
WHAT IS THAT?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Shit. Now that she figured this all out and did the thinking for us, we will have to act like her henchmen and work.
They ENTER the CHAMBER OF SECRETS.
INT. THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
CHRISTIAN COULSON
Mwahahahahaha! Behold! The mastermind behind this year's lame attacks based on DNA discrimination! Bow down before me, for I AM the phantom of a future dumbass beaten by a one-year-old!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What?! YOU are Lord Voldemort? Whoa, I should've known years ago! OF COURSE this all boils down to the only super-villain who has been introduced in this series! Can't you think of a twist that is not as pathetic?
CHRISTIAN COULSON
Uhhhhhhhh...I'm your father?
He unleashes his GIANT SNAKE. DANIEL battles it.
SNAKE
DIE, DANIEL, DIE!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Screw you! I've got five more movies to cash in! Go to hell!
He KILLS it, but not before the monster injects its poison into him.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(dying. Very slowly)
Oh you cruel, heartless bastard!
CHRISTIAN COULSON
Ouch, that hurts. Heh heh. Oh, at least I didn't use T-Virus and turn you into a zombie. Ha ha!
DANIEL, pissed beyond a twelve-year-old's natural potential, slowly pries something out of an unreasonable yet quite convenient location. He is now holding a small, delicate book that happens to be CHRISTIAN'S LIFE, which CHRISTIAN clearly doesn't value very much.
CHRISTIAN COULSON
(watching indifferently)
Er, something is wrong...
DANIEL turns a page.
CHRISTIAN COULSON
(still watching indifferently)
Very wrong...
DANIEL holds up a venomous fang.
CHRISTIAN COULSON
(still watching indifferently)
Why am I sweating?
DANIEL looks up into CHRISTIAN'S eyes with a twisted smile.
CHRISTIAN COULSON
Uh-oh.
DANIEL stabs the book with considerable vitality! Because the fatal poison is in fact quite LOUSY!
CHRISTIAN COULSON
(ionizing)
GOD MY PERFORMANCE FURTHER TESTIFIES MY DRASTIC INCOMPETENCE, WHICH CAN AGAIN EXPLAIN WHY I WAS ACED BY AN INFANT THEN A NAÏVE HOGWARTS FRESHMAN!
He DIES, sort of. RUPERT'S POSSESSED SISTER finally comes around.
SISTER WHO HAS LESS THAN THREE LINES AND FIVE MINUTES OF
SCREEN TIME BUT IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE SHE'S A PLOT DEVICE
Daniel, Christian Coulson made me do it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What a clever, if not contrived, twist.
ROBBIE COLTRANE, RICHARD HARRIS AND MAGGIE SMITH
Daniel! You accidentally saved the day once again! We love you! Keep up the good work!
AUDIENCE
Hooray! Only five more movies to go! What a gratifying time we have with a Harry Potter movie without participating in the story's psychological ride! Let's watch it again and pay another $9!
Everyone is happy and looking forward to the next installment, which will have exactly the same plot elements, special effects and awkward cast!
RUPERT GRINT
AIEEEEEEE! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! MORE HARRY POTTER MOVIES! TYPECAST! MY CAREER! Damn.
END