Power Rangers: The Reduced Script For Every Episode
FADE IN:
EXT. AND INT. RANDOM RURAL HIGH SCHOOL
Five RANDOM TEENAGERS, who are forever stuck together despite THEIR TOTAL LACK OF SIMILARITY, walk around. Suddenly they become POWER RANGERS, apparently not because of their skills, experience in evil-fighting, or even mind-power.
CHICK IN THE PINK DRESS
I'm the brainless Pink Power Ranger! Note how my civilian-cloth color discloses my identity color! Though I always get kidnapped and have caused nothing but trouble, I'm eye candy, which suffices as the justification of my practically useless existence in the team!
ASIAN GIRL IN THE YELLOW DRESS / BLACK GUY IN THE BLACK SHIRT
We are the Yellow/Black Power Rangers! We are basically unremarkable and our roles are rarely the center of any episode, but our ethnic origins clearly add some diversity in the earth-rescuing team! And look how that impression is reinforced by the accordance between my skin color and my Power Ranger suit!
WHITE GUY IN THE RED SHIRT
And I'm red! I manage to be obnoxious while I don't possess any bit of personality! Conveniently though, I'm the leader of this team, which explains why I'm white! Har har har!
NERDY GUY IN THE BLUE SHIRT
Me BLUE! Me nerdy! Me wear glasses! Nerdy me adds more cultural diversity!
AUDIENCE
Wow, I can't believe I just witness the process of offensively-depicted stereotypes blatantly replacing normal character development.
CHICK IN THE PINK DRESS
Well, at least that way you audience won't notice the subtle difference when an actor walks off the project and another actor of the same stereotype replaces him.
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN OUTERSPACE
SOME EVIL ALIEN QUEEN
Muahahaha! I will now unleash some Pathetic Comic Relief, namely my silly-looking, conveniently human-sized villains, onto the exact spot on the Earth that I always unleash my villains and always get them destroyed by the Power Rangers!! Years of wars against teenagers clearly hasn't educated me of anything about this commercial war!
EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE EARTH
The SILLY-LOOKING VILLAINS are unleashed! They attack the INSIGNIFICANT TOWN that the POWER RANGERS live in and will always live in and the WHOLE WORLD is now in JEOPARDY! The POWER RANGERS switch into their POWER SUITS and their action figures cost only $9.99 each!!
SILLY-LOOKING VILLAINS
Our team of fragile ninja will conquer the entire human race! Prepare to die, Costumed Pawns of Japanese Film Industry Executives!
BLACK RANGER
What? THIS is the Evil Queen's approach to conquest? By slightly disturbing the peace in one, small, insignificant town in the United States, not to mention the actual conquistadors like you are utterly unthreatening and unbearably stupid?
EXPANDABLE MAJOR SILLY-LOOKING MONSTER OF THE DAY
How dare you belittle me? I must now enlarge myself and smash you into little pieces! Har har har!
He DOES SOME MAGIC STUFF. Accordantly, everything except the MONSTER shrinks by the scale of 100 to 1! Atmosphere smoke swirls around.
EXPANDABLE MAJOR SILLY-LOOKING MONSTER OF THE DAY
Neener neener!
He begins to stumble across the DOWNTOWN AREA OF THE INSIGNIFICANT TOWN for the sake of DESTRUCTION and presumably kills a bunch of people.
CIVILIANS
AHHHHHHHHH! Where's my government's military defense? Why haven't they attempted to find a solution after so many years of assaults from the Aliens?!
RED RANGER
Don't worry, my fellow generic American citizens! We will use our power as Power Rangers to save the world!
THEIR THEME SCENE, coupled with THEIR THEME MUSIC, plays in its entirety for the 10000th time while the CIVILIANS are brutally being killed! The RANGERS call for their own respective PLASTIC ROBOTS, available for $14.99 each!
RED RANGER
We will now, almost always certainly and immediately, assemble our Robots into this One Comprehensive Robot, proving that the stage of separated Robots is intrinsically useless, if not for commercial purpose only!
They DO and hop into the ONE COMPREHENSIVE ROBOT. The ONE COMPREHENSIVE ROBOT looks magnificent, and consequently it's much more expensive, and it only costs $49.99!!!
ALL THE RANGERS / ONE COMPREHENSIVE ROBOT
YAY! Now we will destroy you, Expandable Major Silly-Looking Monster of the Day!
EXPANDABLE MAJOR SILLY-LOOKING MONSTER OF THE DAY
Riddle me this: which comes first, crappy TV shows or the society's endless thirst for crap?
ALL THE RANGERS / ONE COMPREHENSIVE ROBOT
What?
EXPANDABLE MAJOR SILLY-LOOKING MONSTER OF THE DAY
HAR HAR! I caught you off guard!
He gets the better of the ONE COMPREHENSIVE ROBOT and pushes him onto a 100:1 shrunk building, casually destroying public property and one thousand LIVES. The ONE COMPREHENSIVE ROBOT is very angry, so he jumps up and, seeking vengeance, pushes the EXPANDABLE MAJOR SILLY-LOOKING MONSTER OF THE DAY into another 100:1 shrunk building, indifferently destroying an equal amount of public property and another thousand LIVES. The idea of WAR JUSTIFICATION is skipped and the ROBOT and the MONSTER fight to video game music.
BLUE RANGER
Me hurt!
ALL THE RANGERS / ONE COMPREHENSIVE ROBOT
Dammit! The Silly-Looking Monster is too powerful for us to battle! If only now we had another reason to sell another toy Robot...
A GREEN GUY
(handily shows up)
Greetings, brave warriors!
RED RANGER
Who the hell are you?
A GREEN GUY
I'm the extra that was previously abandoned during the pre-production of the POWER RANGERS show, but now, in light of this show's huge commercial success chiefly due to the public's mindlessness, the Show Producers have realized that even wholly unnecessary extras can bring additional profit!!
YELLOW RANGER
Jeez. This show only gets stupider, doesn't it?
BLUE RANGER
Me needs help! Me needs help!
A GREEN GUY
No problem. I will call my Plastic Robot Dragon, and it's available for only $59.99, complete with my awesome real-life-scale plastic flute accessory!
He DOES. With his FLUTE, which looks like a knife except that doesn't cut him when he presses the blade into his mouth. This clueless calling scene later becomes another ROUTINE THEME SCENE.
ALL THE RANGERS / ONE COMPREHENSIVE ROBOT
Ha! Now that all the Robot Toys are purchased by the children in the audience, we will draw out our Victory Sword to defeat you, Expandable Major Silly-Looking Monster of the Day!
They SUCCEED! The MONSTER, in spite of his formidable comical power, is RENDERED HELPLESS at the MERE SIGHT OF THE VICTORY SWORD! Then he explodes [?] when he is cut into halves and disappears behind FIRE and A MUSHROOM CLOUD, thus imposing further damage on WHAT REMAINS OF THE RUINED CITY, which must have been rebuilt at the end of every episode.
PINK RANGER
Thank God America, I mean the world, is safe again from Pathetic Comic Relief.
BLACK RANGER
Sort of. Really, since whenever we draw out that sword we always immediately win, why didn't we draw that sword out earlier and take the epic battle seriously in order to at least reduce civilian casualties, even just for once?
RED RANGER
Well, how can the thirty-minute Deus Ex Machina exist then?
BLUE RANGER
ME HAPPY! ME MAKES BIG MONEY! ME RICH! ME WIN! YAY!!!!
END