Stranger Than Fiction: The Reduced Script
FADE IN:
INT. WILL FERRELL'S HOME, BUILT BY 183004 PIECES OF WOOD AND 284 TONS OF CONCRETE, CONSISTENT with the envelope THEOREM
WILL FERRELL, a RUSSELL'S PARADOX and a THREE-DIMENSIONAL organism composed of 100 trillion cells, is LINEARLY APPROXIMATING the number of bacteria that are an INTEGRAL part of the first 3.51 ounces of his pee, which he released at the POINT 6:21:34 AM, which is TANGENT to his PEE FUNCTION and precisely 25 1/3 minutes before he murdered MISTER ROGERS with AXES that are 1.34567 inch SHORT of 5.996544 feet LONG in the X DIRECTION and stretch into INFINITY in the Y DIRECTION!
WILL FERRELL
I'm anti-life and desperately unlikable.
EMMA THOMPSON (V. O.)
He's anti-life and desperately unlikable. And his wrist watch is sentient and goes Counter-Clockwise.
WILL FERRELL
Hey, I can hear someone narrating my life! This connection between fictions and reality is so interesting and inexplicable, that the movie writers don't do anything to justify it!
EMMA'S VOICE fucks WILL up. It narrates his movements when he is working, talking to people, and ogling MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S TITS VIA TRIGONOMETRY. Sometimes, it narrates parallel to the events in WILL'S life; other times, it warps time and space, narrating as if WILL is doing three different things at three different places simultaneously, even though WILL listens to the narration in real-time.
DUSTIN HOFFMAN
I draw pleasure from giving Will idiotic instructions and berating him for following them.
(pause)
As a literary expert and a moron, I suggest you prevent your imminent death by altering your current set of behaviors, despite the glaring possibility that your efforts might also be part of the plot that triggers your death.
WILL does this. For the next 85 FREAKING MINUTES. He watches movies, plays guitars, and makes MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL fall in love with him despite knowing his imminent death. Which, in light of his new status, will certainly break her heart.
WILL FERRELL
Weeee! I'm living my selfish life based on Utility Maximization and Game Theory!
DUSTIN HOFFMAN
Oops, turns out your efforts are part of the plot that triggers your death. Now repeat that phrase for 50 times before deliberately sacrificing yourself for an asshole kid who will grow up to fuck with people.
EMMA THOMPSON (V. O.)
Isn't this a deep, moving story that is stranger than fiction? And have you noticed how the number of mathematicians whom the movie writers have made random reference to magically amounts to the number TEN? Talk about Nash Equilibrium.
END, for FUCK'S SAKE