FADE IN:
EXT. A POINTLESSLY LENGTHY SPACE BATTLE SCENE, POSSESSING THE EFFECTS OF A VIDEO GAME
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I repeat: this is NOT Battlefront II.
Eventually, they enter a SPACESHIP.
INT. LAVISH CAPTIVE ROOM
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(prequel mode)
Ha! I look evil, talk evil and laugh evil! I feel no need to conceal my evilness and I feel completely safe from any sort of suspicions even though I, the hostage, am TRAPPED in an EXCEEDINGLY COMFORTABLE THRONE and receiving GUEST TREATMENT.
COUNT DOOKU
Whoa!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(CONFUSED and PISSED FOR NO APPARENT REASON)
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
COUNT DOOKU
Obi-Wan, though you had kicked Darth Maul's ass in THE PHANTOM MENACE, you were pretty lame in the last movie. According to this tendency, you must be even lamer by now.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Try me.
COUNT DOOKU
(knocks OBI-WAN unconscious)
Gosh, he was even lamer than I'd thought.
(turns to ANAKIN SKYWALKER)
I cut off your right hand last time; this time I will cut off both your hands.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(CONFUSED and PISSED FOR-NO-APPARENT-REASON, cuts off both COUNT DOOKU'S hands)
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(prequel mode)
Ha ha! Yes, kill him! I have this obvious expression on my face saying that he's of no use to me anymore!
COUNT DOOKU
Why my death is even lamer than Saruman's in THE LORD OF THE RINGS?
(killed)
Moments later
INT. SHIP COMMAND CENTER
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Hello, the sole purpose of my existence is to extend running time and for the sake of other cool franchised SW products. I am a coward, but I kick ass, don't I? So go and buy my action figures.
The JEDI rescue PALPATINE easily and brings him back to
CORUSCANT, where ANAKIN can talk to his WIFE and turns to THE DARK SIDE.
INT. CORUSCANT PLATFORM
PADME AMIDALA
Oh Anakin I love you with all my heart! My love for you is so strong that my politician career and democracy idealism are completely irrelevant relative to what you are to me and I typically trust you and accept everything you've told me despite every single existing fact proving that you are an asshole and a lousy liar! Oh, by the way, Anakin, I'm pregnant. Luckily the senators have no idea that I'm living with you while we attempt no secrecy.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(NOT-PISSED, VERY CONFUSED, HAPPY)
Oh, that's wonderful, darling.
INT. PUPPET ORDER CENTER ON A RANDOM PLANET
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(holo mode)
I am going to give you an order, the purpose of which it's to make the final duel scene more dramatic. Move our Command Center to THE VOLCANO PLANET!!
GENERAL GREVIOUS
Whatever.
INT. PADME AMIDALA'S LAVISH APARTMENT TO SHOW OFF CGI EFFECTS
The AUDIENCE begins to wonder where the money to buy and decorate this apartment came from: Naboo taxes?
PADME SKYWALKER
We are supposed to do a bit love-talk, you know, to makeup for the dreadful impression created in the last movie that we were married for hormone reasons. We must somehow prove to the audience that we are REALLY in love.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(NOT PISSED, CONFUSED and HAPPY)
Your beauty depends on the fact that I love you.
PADME SKYWALKER
Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED and VERY CONFUSED)
I was trying to be romantic, dammit!
EXT. PADME AMIDALA'S APARTMENT BALCONY, SHOWING OFF CGI CITY VEW EFFECTS
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(VERY PISSED and VERY CONFUSED)
My life sucks. My wife's pajamas are weird. She wears beads to sleep. And I worry about her because of regular nightmares that I have no good reasons to believe in.
PADME SKYWALKER
I love you.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
That's not important. And you don't need to tell me that because I won't believe you at some point anyway. The important thing though, is from now on I'm going to save you from what I don't really know.
PADME SKYWALKER
We must speak to Obi-Wan.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED and CONFUSED)
No, we don't need to, because messing up things is my specialty, not his. Or actually it is, but he's definitely less professional than I am.
INT. TEMPLE - DARK, THOUGHT-PROVOKING ROOM
YODA
Trying to knock some sense into you, I am.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(SENSELESS, CONFUSED and PISSED-FOR-NO-APPARENT-REASON GLOWER)
You won't succeed. I'm hopelessly stupid.
INT. NUMEROUS LOCATIONS
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(prequel mode)
Ha! I'm luring you to the Dark Side!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED and OBSESSED)
Oh! I'm being lured to the Dark Side! Must give in...must give in...
INT. JEDI COUNCIL CHAMBER
MACE WINDU
Despite all my doubts, I'm going to approve the Obviously-Evil Palpatine's requirement and convert Skywalker to Darth Vader more quickly so as the audience won't fall asleep.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
I trust Anakin; he won't turn to the Dark Side.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED and OBESSED GLOWER, not listening)
Must give in ... must give in...
INT. TEMPLE HALLWAY
OBI-WAN KENOBI
We want you to spy on Evil Palpatine. Also, be careful with your feelings.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED and OBESSED GLOWER, not listening)
Must give in ... must give in...
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Suppose I didn't ask.
INT. RANDOM LOCATION TO SHOW OFF VIDEO GAME EFFECTS
MACE WINDU
I don't trust Skywalker because I'm the only one who's normal enough to see his turning coming.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
But I trust him, because I'm an idiot and a prophecy-hugger.
MACE WINDU
You are lying. I sense idiotic protectiveness in you.
YODA
Asshole, too, you are, Obi-Wan.
INT. PADME AMIDALA'S APARTMENT
PADME SKYWALKER
(pathetic, passive wife mode)
I love you. Do you love me?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(suddenly zooms out, becomes PISSED, CONFUSED and OBSESSED, not listening)
Must give in...must give in...
INT. RANDOM BUBBLE SHOW TO SHOW OFF CGI EFFECTS
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(prequel mode)
Ha! I'm luring you to the Dark Side and the realm of relativism! In order to make my lecture more effective, I will talk about Darth Plagueis. He was killed by his apprentice (who presumably was a Sith as well), so this legend clearly demonstrates that a Sith career is a career with constant life threats and betrayals. But this is not the point. The point is, Sith can save lives. Don't ask me why and how, even though this is never mentioned in the original trilogy. I know this lecture doesn't make sense.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(VERY, VERY PISSED and VERY, VERY CONFUSED and VERY, VERY OBSESSED GLOWER)
Must give in...must give in...Apparently I've never thought that way before...come to think of it, I've NEVER thought before...Man, thinking feels good!
INT. JEDI WOOKIEE COMMAND CENTER
MACE WINDU
What? How come Evil Palpatine knows that General Grevious is on Utapau? It's getting too obvious that he's the one behind all this and it's driving me crazy.
YODA
Don't care who The Evil Sith is, we do. Capture GG, we must. End this war, it will.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Why? How? Surely it's pretty obvious that there is somebody else behind all this war thing? I mean, GG is a retard! Why catching HIM will end this war?
YODA
Extend Running Time and occupy ourselves with insignificant missions, we must.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED and OBSSESSED, not listening)
Must give in...must give in...
KI-ADI-MUNDI
Who is to get to Show-Off Big Time?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED and OBSSESSED)
...give in...Hey, I wanna do that!
YODA
Don't like you, I do. Offend you and cooperate with The Evil Sith, I must. Turn you down and make you angry and jealous of Obi-Wan, I will. In accordance with the ridiculous plot, it is.
KI-ADI-MUNDI
I agree.
MACE WINDU
I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(VERY PISSED, VERY CONFUSED and VERY OBSSESSED)
INT. JEDI TEMPLE PLATFORM
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
Since this is the last scene in which we won't face each other in hostility, I think I should at least show the audience that I'm not an utter asshole.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Oh, then you have failed. The worst part is: you've made me an asshole, too. But since we should at least show the audience our brotherhood, I need to make the following speech: I trust you though you are untrustworthy. I think you are insane but I will say I'm proud of you. Privately I know you are a moron and lack the ability to think but I will tell everyone that you are a genius and a pure Jedi. Happy? Now if you will excuse me, I must leave. May the Farce be with you.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED and SENSELESS)
Farewell, jerk.
FADE INTO:
INT. ANAKIN'S DREAM WORLD
PADME SKYWALKER
(pathetic, dying wife mode)
GAAAA! I'm dying!
POINTLESS OBI-WAN APPEARANCE
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Save yourself, Random Child-Birth Pain Sufferer.
INT. PADME AMIDALA'S LAVISH APARTMENT
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, SENSELESS GLOWER, and still CONFUSED)
Has Obi-Wan been here?
PADME SKYWALKER
(pissed)
Yeah. He swore that he cared about you, but he was wearing this INDIFFERENT SCOWL that was not at least convincing. He was pretending that he didn't know what was going on between you and me, but he betrayed himself by asking me to help you, even though he knew you wouldn't listen to me.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, SENSELESS GLOWER, and still CONFUSED)
I'm going to save you by turning to the Dark Side.
PADME SKYWALKER
(astonished)
How? From what?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, SCARY GLOWER and still CONFUSED but DEAD SERIOUS)
From my nightmares.
PADME SKYWALKER
Oh, you don't need to turn to the Dark Side to do this. You see, all you need to do to save me from your nightmares is to drop that stupid topic and see a shrink.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, MAD GLOWER, and still CONFUSED)
That's crazy talk. I firmly believe that only the Dark Side can save you because...because...because only it can.
EXT. PUPPET SITH COMMAND CENTER
OBI-WAN rides a CGI creature who is constantly yelping; amazingly, no one seems to notice him until he jumps right before GG in the midst of a bunch of battle droids.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Hello there!
GENERAL GREVIOUS
That's the stupidest intro I've ever heard. Don't you fear me commanding all my droids to shoot you down?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Yikes. Hey, think about your ego.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
Oh, my ego! What's happening to me? Yes, that's it! I'm the super-star and No. 1 villain in this movie and I have to take down the protagonist by myself! Back off, losers! He's mine!
Unfortunately for the AUDIENCE, they begin a lengthy chase that will last for more than two days, with bonus CGI-creature battles.
INT. JEDI COMMAND CENTER
MACE WINDU
I'm getting this very bad feeling, Yoda. Since there is no me in the original movies and the end of the prequels is near, I feel my end is also near, which is sad, because I've always been the one who points out obvious facts to remind the audience of the actual situation. By the way, what do you think of our friend Evil Palpatine?
KI-ADI-MUNDI
An utterly evil bastard.
MACE WINDU
My sentiments exactly.
YODA
Think that way, we must not; lead us to the Dark Side, it will. Not bothering with politics, I feel like. Ignore our jeopardized future, we ought to. A habit in insulting the audience's intelligence, George has.
MACE WINDU
$%^&
INT. THE CHANCELLOR'S PRIVATE OFFICE
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(prequel mode)
Ha! Now I'm totally luring you to the Dark Side! You are underestimated! You are PISSED! You are SENSELESS! You are CONFUSED! And you want to save your wife by turning yourself to the Dark Side! And I'm revealing myself! I'll have my revenge even though I don't know what revenge that is! I'm THE Sith! Which means I'm also the one who killed my mentor and that makes me an untrustworthy person but I know you won't care!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(VERY PISSED, CONFUSED and OBSESSED, then suddenly TERRIFIED)
Wait, I'm still the good guy! But...my head is EXPLODING! What the hell is going on????!!!!
EXT. UTAPAU-VARIOUS LOCATIONS
The fight between CGI creatures...continues. OBI-WAN is LAME, GG is cool; OBI-WAN drops his lightsaber accidentally, but then he steals an electronic staff and we immediately know the staff is a far superior weapon. OBI-WAN is no longer THAT LAME with the staff. In fact, we feel he is spectacular (relative to his former lame self). But the end of fight is still lousy; the JEDI kills GG the way he killed DARTH MAUL.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I swear to the audience on behalf of the director: I'm as embarrassed as you are.
INT. TEMPLE GUNSHIP PLATFORM
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED, TERRIFIED and SENSELESS)
Must give...AHHH, Evil Palpatine's revealed himself! He is THE Sith!
MACE WINDU
Then I must bring only three people and leave the Jedi strong force behind to confront the most dangerous person in the galaxy suicidally, in order to get the mission failed and fulfill the plot to destroy us!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED and still TERRIFIED)
I must come with you so that you won't kill him!!
MACE WINDU
No!! You must not! You must stay in the Temple and let your confusion ultimately consume you so that you can proceed to somehow accidentally destroy us!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED, SENSELESS and still TERRIFIED)
Okay.
INT. PADME AMIDALA'S APARTMENT AND COUNCIL CHAMBER
PADME SKYWALKER and ANAKIN SKYWALKER are in different locations but they exchange looks. They exchange more looks. Dramatic music plays through though both expressions stay exactly the same throughout the heartbreaking scene.
INT. THE CHANCELLOR'S PRIVATE OFFICE
Four JEDI MASTERS enter the office and confront THE EVIL SITH. THE EVIL SITH quickly kills three of them and fights with MACE. They fight painfully[!], artfully[?] and slowly[...]. Finally MACE disarms THE EVIL SITH. THE EVIL SITH gets all crazy and defensive and starts to use lightning to disfigure himself, just then SKYWALKER arrives.
MACE WINDU
Oh, no.
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode)
GAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'm dying!
MACE WINDU
No you're not!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED, PETRIED, SENSELESS, MISERABLE,
SPEECHLESS)
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode)
Yes I am! Look at me, I'M DISFURING MYSELF TO PROVE THAT I'M WEAK! I have good reasons to believe that my Sith-Lightning, which happens to be my only power, is the only way to save your wife AND the galaxy!!!!! Aaaaaggggghhhh...
MACE WINDU
Bullshit!!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED, PETRIED, SENSELESS, MISERABLE, SPEECHLESS)
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode, Further Deformation)
I CAN'T HOLD ON...AAAGGGGUUUHHHH...Fine, I give up! Just don't you kill me! I'm weak!
MACE WINDU
I think I believe you...no, wait, I don't! How do I know you are not pretending? You are too dangerous to be left alive, in the same sense that disease germs must be eliminated! Plus, I sense you are recharging your fingers with more electricity!
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode, Pathetic)
Spare me...spare me...oh blast you, SPARE ME, DAMMIT!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, CONFUSED, PETRIED, SENSELESS, MISERABLE)
Wait! He must wait for the trials! Killing him is like killing Count Dooku!
MACE WINDU
That's a pathetic excuse! He -
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode)
SPARE ME, DAMMIT!
MACE WINDU
- is STILL CAPABLE OF DOING WOEFUL THINGS! He is NOT Dooku, mind you, because Dooku does NOT control the senate AND the court, sparing him will do no harm, but sparing THIS guy is like waiting for him to take control over everything!
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode)
SPARE ME, DAMMIT!
MACE WINDU
That says a lot! Only a fool will believe your lousy lies!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
WELL I DO!
(slashes off MACE' armed hand)
MACE WINDU
Oh no, not like this...not like this...
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode, maniacally HAPPY)
YAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOO!
He quickly kills off MACE by randomly throwing him out of the window.
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode)
Phew, that was close. Thanks a lot, buddy.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
(PISSED, UNCONSCIOUS but no longer PETRIFIED, CONFUSED or SENSELESS)
I need to save Padme, even though my love for her seems nothing more than obsession and possession. I will do anything to save her, including killing her.
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(transition mode)
I believe you. Now, finally! I can have my revenge! MUA HA HA HA HA! Now the climax and purpose of this movie! The rise of my apprentice! This moment is so significant and breathtaking that those foolish SW hard-core fans won't even notice how ridiculously forced it is! Henceforth, thee, I mean thou, shall be known as DARTHHHH......VADER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dramatic JOHN-WILLIAM MUSIC plays, illustrating ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S PISSED expression.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED, UNCONSCIOUS and CONFUSED, but sickeningly HAPPY and DEVOTED)
Really, you mean that I get to be that cool guy in that black suit? I can't believe that! Awesome! Now I'm totally under your command, Master.
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(original-movie mode)
Darth Vader, your first assignment is to...KILL DEFENSELESS CHILDREN! This task requires formidable amount of skills and unique courage, and that's why I'm sending you.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED, UNCONSCIOUS and CONFUSED, but sickeningly HAPPY and DEVOTED)
Right way, boss.
THE EVIL SITH/PALPATINE
(original-movie mode)
And remember one rule, my boy: the Jedi betray us because they are not with us. They are evil because they do not serve our purpose. They bring threat to the galaxy because they are in our way to ruthless, unscrupulous galaxy-domination. Being a Sith is all about self-righteousness and self-serving. Also, remember you are just doing this for Padme. Now how does that appeal to you?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED, UNCONSCIOUS but sickeningly HAPPY and DEVOTED and NO LONGER CONFUSED)
Wow, that makes perfect sense to me! Damn, I should have been a Sith in the first place! THIS is the world that I can live in!
DARTH SIDIOUS delivers ORDER 66. MANY JEDI are killed. And some more. And some more. And some more until the AUDIENCE is completely grossed out and pissed.
INT. THE COUNCIL CHAMBER
VADER enters THE COUNCIL CHAMBER.
#1 JEDI MINOR
Master Skywalker, they...AHHH, you are one of them!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED, ABSENT-MINDED but sickeningly HAPPY and DEVOTED and NO LONGER CONFUSED)
That's right, kid. I enjoy slaughtering you while my wife is giving birth to OUR child. So long, sucker. If only you were my child. By the way, I'm doing this for Padme.
He slaughters the YOUNGLINGS for PADME.
INT. PADME AMIDALA'S APARTMENT
AMIDALA is looking at the devastated JEDI TEMPLE.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Passive, Pathetic Wife Mode)
Gosh, I only hope he's all right and not being burnt with others.
EXT. UTAPAU - PUPPET COMMAND CENTER
OBI-WAN survives, and through stupid architecture design he makes his way out of water.
#1 STORM TROOPER
He must be dead, despite the fact that he falls into water and not onto concrete surface.
#2 STORM TROOPER
But we know he's a Jedi with insane survival abilities.
#1 STORM TROOPER
Yeah, but what's your point?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(survives with his "insane" survival abilities)
Phew. Just imagine how hard it would have been if I weren't dealing with idiots. This doesn't even require my insane survival abilities.
EXT. WOOKIEE PLANET
#3 STORM TROOPER
Good, all the Wookiees are dead.
#4 STORM TROOPER
That's just stupid. We've conquered a planet where we have no one to dominate.
Meanwhile, they fail to notice that YODA is fleeing with his eye-catching, bright spaceship against the dark sky.
EXT. PADME AMIDALA'S LAVISH APARTMENT TO SHOW OFF FURTHER CGI EFFECTS
ANAKIN SKYWALKER walks off the ship with a face of a mass-murderer.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Passive, Pathetic Wife Mode)
Thank goodness, Anakin, you are alive! That's all that matters. I can't believe that you came back for me and the baby at this particular point in time, especially when the Jedi Temple is on fire! But I'm not at all suspicious. You look no different to me even though you have just converted to the Dark Side, so of course I have no idea of that.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED, ABSENT-MINDED but sickeningly HAPPY and DEVOTED and NO LONGER CONFUSED)
Of course I came back; after killing a lot of children, I miss my own sweet family. So I came back to see if the primary official excuse for my turning, namely you and perhaps the baby, are safe.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Passive, Pathetic Wife Mode)
Safe? We can't be safer! I mean, whatever reason do you have to believe that I am possibly not safe?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
The Jedi wanted to overthrow the Republic, or Palpatine, because they were in the Chancellor's way to galaxy domination.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Passive, Pathetic Wife Mode)
Oh, no, I can't believe that despite in fact it's quite predictable! Anakin, what are we going to do?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
I will not betray the Empire, uh, I mean the Republic...my loyalties lie with the Chancellor and with the Senate...and with you.
PADME SKYWALKER
Okay, so you are very loyal to the Chancellor. That doesn't sound very much like democracy, you know. Actually, that sounds a little Fascist. And do I have anything to do with your faith in democracy?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED, ABSENT-MINDED but sickeningly HAPPY and DEVOTED and NO LONGER CONFUSED)
Palpatine said he would cleanse those who were opposed him. Um, according to him, that includes you. This IS a threat.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Passive, Pathetic Wife Mode)
Yikes. In light of your influence, I really, really love you, Anakin, just don't let anything happen to me.
C-3PO
You know, R2, I'm very concerned. Am I the most hated character in this trilogy because it's so painfully obvious that my existence is for cheap entertainment's sake only?
R2-D2
$*)%& (No, 3PO, those who can't act are the most hated. At least you are funny because you are intended to be a joke; the actors are funny while they shouldn't be.)
EXT. ALDERAAN-STARCRUISER HALLWAY
The heroes: OBI-WAN KENOBI, YODA and BAIL ORGANA unite and develop a poorly-thought-through plan to stop THE EVIL SCHEME of THE EVIL SITH by parading into THE JEDI TEMPLE.
BAIL ORGANA
I don't feel like attending the meeting; I was almost killed by him.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I don't think so, because a ruthless, shameless dictator who controls the senate and the court is not likely to sentence you to death in front of his minions.
BAIL ORGANA
I don't understand.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Anyway, attend the meeting so that Padme Amidala at least can have someone listen to her best line in this movie.
YODA
If a special session of Congress there is, easier for us to enter the Jedi Temple it will be. Few troops left if the congress is busy, I guess.
EXT. A MAGNIFICENT VIEW SHOWING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF MILLIONS OF FULLY-ARMED STORM TROOPERS ARE MARCHING ON THE STREET. SO THERE WON'T BE ENOUGH TROOPS TO DEFEAT THE JEDI, EH?
Scenes switch between THE JEDI TEMPLE, THE SENATE CHAMBER, and THE PUPPET COMMAND CENTER ON THE VOLCANO PLANET. This is supposed to be DRAMATIC and THOUGHT-PROVOKING, but for unspeakable writing reasons something is absurd.
PALPATINE/THE EVIL SITH
(original-movie mode)
Ha! I'm now leading the galaxy to MY peace, MY security, MY pride, MY satisfaction, and MY glory!!!!!!! In order to do that, I will now reorganize the Republic into - THE EMPIRE, and myself, of course - THE EMPEROR!!!!!!!!!!
EVERY MORON ON THE SENATE
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
INT. THE JEDI TEMPLE
OBI-WAN KENOBI and YODA parade into THE JEDI TEMPLE and kick a lot of clone ASSES.
YODA
Done our job is, leave we shall. Fear the signal will be changed by clones, I do not. Loooog it will take them to find out. Why this is so I do not know.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I must know who the murderer is. Say, where is Anakin? Isn't he supposed to be in the temple? How come I didn't see him or his body? Did he run away or something?
YODA
Advise you to see the truth, I do not. Obvious who the murderer is, it should be.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I must know the truth.
He sees THE TRUTH.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I'm dismayed,
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I really am. What you audience see is Jedi Emotionlessness, aka Jedi Serenity.
YODA
Told you, I did. Always disobey rationality and talk nonsense, you do.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Can I ask more questions?
YODA
No time, there is, uh-uh. Speeeeeeeeeeakinnnnnnnnnnnnnng sloooooooooowly aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand draaaaaaaaaammmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatiiiiiiicalllllllllllllllly toooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime, Iiiiiiiiiiiii aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I should have seen its coming, it is so obvious now; he really mumbled a lot and constantly looked PISSED. And we had had conflicts and displayed hostility towards each other from the moment we met. Despite that, he is like my brother; I can't fight against Anakin.
YODA
Well, do you want to be fried by The Evil Sith with lightning, which happens to be one of the Sith secrets you know about but won't inform Luke of?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Uh, no.
YODA
There you go.
INT. PADME SKYWALKER'S LAVISH APARTMENT
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Greetings, Padme. You look different. Have you gained weight?
PADME SKYWALKER
(Defensive Wife Mode, Silent)
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Palpatine is the Sith Lord we've been looking for! I have only seen Anakin talking to a Dark-Robed dude, and there are no implications whatsoever showing this mysterious dude's relations with Palpatine. And before they could tell us so, all those who knew this were either dead (Mace, Kit, etc) or had turned to the Dark Side (Anakin). Therefore, I should not know Palpatine is a Sith, but somehow I just know it!
PADME SKYWALKER
(Defensive Wife Mode, Silent)
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Uh, let's get this conversation going. So, do you know Anakin has turned to the Dark Side?
PADME SKYWALKER
(Defensive Wife Mode)
...You are wrong! How could you even say that!?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Jesus H. Christ, woman! For damn's sake, Amidala, YOU are his GODDAMNED WIFE and YOU share ONE GODDAMNED BED with him and YOU have even done some GODDAMNED in-depth LOVE TALK with him and YOU are the GODDAMNED official excuse for his turning to the Dark Side and YOU are refusing to believe that HE HAS ACTUALLY DONE IT??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!
(pause, calmed)
Uh, wait, are you really his wife? I thought the message George was sending was you were observant and stuff.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Defensive Wife Mode, exasperated)
Go away, loser. Get lost.
EXT. CORUSCANT-LANDING PLATFORM
PADME takes off and flies to THE VOLCANO PLANET, along with a hiding OBI-WAN.
EXT. THE VOCANOL PLANNET
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER discusses his EVIL accomplishments with THE EVIL EMPEROR casually, and suddenly sees his wife's ship coming.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Extreme Pathetic, Passive Wife Mode)
Oh, Anakin, is that you? Obi-Wan said you have turned to the Dark Side!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED, ABSENT-MINDED but sickeningly HAPPY and NO LONGER CONFUSED)
Uh, actually that's very true. But I'm doing this For You. My new powers can Save You.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Extreme Pathetic, Passive Wife Mode)
What new powers?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
I can kill people efficienctly.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Extreme Pathetic, Passive Wife Mode)
Is it just me, or are you giving some creepy implications?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED, ABSENT-MINDED but sickeningly HAPPY and NO LONGER CONFUSED)
I have brought peace to the Republic, um, Empire. I am more powerful than the Chancellor, uh, Emperor. I, I can overthrow him, and together you and I can rule the galaxy.
PADME SKYWALKER
(Extreme Pathetic, Passive Wife Mode)
What, you want to overthrow him? Didn't you just say something like "your loyalties lie with the Chancellor"...? So if the Dark Side can make you change your subject of loyalty, then doesn't it mean that perhaps it can also make you change your subject of affection, which means you won't love me any more...?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED and CONFUSED)
How dare you think logically? This is against the rule of the Dark Side!
PADME SKYWALKER
(Extreme Pathetic, Passive Wife Mode)
I don't know you any more! Actually you act so badly that I always don't know you...I mean, you are always very stupid, Anakin, but never this stupid!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(PISSED and CONFUSED)
Because of Obi-Wan?
PADME SKYWALKER
(Extreme Pathetic, Passive Wife Mode)
Who? What the hell does Obi-Wan have to do with this?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I choose this particular point to emerge from the ship and "confirm" Anakin's suspicion of our non-existent relationship. Uh, sorry, did I interrupt something?
PADME SKYWALKER
(Extreme Pathetic, Passive Wife Mode)
Why me? Why me? Anakin, I swear this has nothing to do with...
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
LIAR!
He CHOKES PADME the life out of her and she becomes unconscious.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
GODDAMN IT, Anakin! You almost killed her! Do you think she will be happy if you turn to the Dark Side? Do you really love her, or do you just love the fact that she loves you?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
You will not take her love from me.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I love her? This is preposterous. Why would I love her? The interaction between her and me is so one-dimensional that I know nothing about her except that I know her name is Padme!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
You were a male nurse in my nightmares. Once.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
This is completely stupid.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the Dark Side as you do. I have brought peace, justice, freedom, and security to my new Empire.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
YOUR new Empire? I thought you were with Sidious. And what are your definitions of peace, justice, freedom, and security?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
Don't make me kill you.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Save that crap, Anakin. You are going to kill me anyway.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
If you're not with me, you're my enemy.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Only George W. deals in absolutes! I will do what I must.
He ignites his lightsaber to eliminate ANAKIN/GEORGE W. B., and for some reason suddenly all the AUDIENCE is on OBI-WAN'S side.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER/GEORGE W. B.
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
You will try.
He activates his WMD, ahem, I mean ignites his lightsaber. They DUEL.
INT. CHANCELLOR'S OFFICE
YODA and SIDIOUS DUEL. They throw IN-DEPTH one-liners and assault each other from time to time.
INT. MAIN CONTROL CENTER
OBI-WAN and SKYWALKER continue to DUEL. They throw IN-DEPTH one-liners and assault each other from time to time.
INT. SENATE CHAMBER
YODA and SIDIOUS continue to DUEL. They throw IN-DEPTH one-liners and assault each other from time to time. Eventually YODA loses his lightsaber.
YODA
Oh no, my lightsaber I lost. And I don't have a spare like Sidious does. Fell from 600 stories his first lightsaber did.
INT. SENATE CHAMBER
SIDIOUS goes to rescue ANAKIN, who has just vowed to overthrow SIDIOUS.
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
Hey, did any one just say I have psyche powers, meaning I can sense that Vader is in danger without knowing him planning to betray me?
EXT. THE VOCANOL PLANET
OBI-WAN and SKYWALKER continue to DUEL. They throw IN-DEPTH one-liners and assault each other from time to time.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
I have failed you, Anakin. I was never able to teach you to think, and I'm NOT joking.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
How dare you say that?! I have learned to think in the realm of relativism and self-righteousness! The Jedi are evil because they do not serve my purpose. They bring threat to the galaxy because they are in my way to unscrupulous galaxy-domination. Ha! I'm thinking alright!
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Oh my God, Anakin! You ARE lost in the realm of relativism and self-righteousness!
They DUEL some more, until OBI-WAN jumps on the black sandy edge of THE CGI LAVA RIVER.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground, although I don't know how this actually prevents you from winning.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
You underestimate my brainpower! I will NOT jump in front of you and continue our duel; instead, I will jump all over you for no apparent reason other than to let you cut my limbs off!
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
This is too good to be true.
So Anakin jumps all over OBI-WAN and OBI-WAN cuts his limbs off.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!@#%^(&%#!@#$~#^&)(?*&$##%^&*@^$#!$^*)()?:"><%$**^$*()(&#@*(&$&*$#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
You hurt me badly, Anakin. I'm a prophecy hugger, and I thought there was at least a bit of intelligence in everyone, but, oh my God, you totally prove me wrong! The prophecy said you would bring balance to the Force-
(pause)
Uh, what does that MEAN, anyway?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
GAAAAAAAAA! I'm dying!
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
You are in terrible pain, Anakin. And the audience must be thinking why I don't kill you in mercy's name to get you out of your misery AND eliminate the possibility of your survival (you are gonna be a mass-murderer and blow up a planet, after all). Well, the reason is, uh, I can't kill a "disarmed" opponent. This is a stupid doctrine, really, from numerous points of view.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
GAAAAAAAAA! I hate you!
He suddenly bursts into flames [?] and OBI-WAN KENOBI walks away with his INDIFFERENT SCOWL.
Moments later
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
Geeze, he's alive! Obi-Wan sure is stupid! Put Vader into the suit that I prepared long ago just in case. By the way, do you plan to overthrow me?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER
(EXTERMELY PISSED)
No, but I will give my son an offer to jointly overthrow you in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
Wow, that was the EXACT same offer you gave to Padme, and it scared the hell out of her. How long does it take you to learn that no one will take that offer seriously? They are the good guys.
INT. BAIL ORGANA'S SHIP
MEDICAL DROID
Bad news, because she's given up her will to live, she is PHYSICALLY DYING. Trust me; mental suicide IS possible. You can kill yourself by simply THINKING about it.
YODA
A very responsible mother, she is, leaving her babies like this. Bridging the story, she has devoted her life to.
PADME SKYWALKER
(pathetic, dying widow mode)
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'm dying!
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Save yourself, Random Child-Birth Pain Sufferer.
PADME SKYWALKER
(pathetic, dying widow mode)
Where's my privacy? How come I'm in a room with a glass wall when I'm giving birth to my children?
INT. THE SITH LAB
VADER is screaming in agony as he is being suited up. Somehow this parallel of screaming has deep meanings in it.
INT. BAIL ORGANA'S SHIP
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
You have twins, Padme! They need you! Won't you live for them?
PADME SKYWALKER
(pathetic, dying widow mode)
Must...bridge...the...trilogies...
(dies)
BAIL ORGANA
Holy shit.
INT. THE SITH LAB
VADER is fully suited; he exhales in relief: now facial expression and acting skills are NOT required any more.
DARTH VADER
Is Padme alright? I'm now really feeling sorry after I choked her like that. Hopefully she is going to forgive me, or I'll have to choke her more.
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
It seems in your anger, you killed her.
DARTH VADER
What? This doesn't make sense. She was alive when I choked her. But I'm NOT going to ask you for the details as normal people do. I'm now very angry. Sidious, you slime dog! Turning to the Dark Side didn't save her after all!
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
Well, do you want to be fried by Sith Lightning, which happens to be one of the items that I'm NOT going to teach you?
DARTH VADER
Uh, no.
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
Good. So far you have successfully ruined the image of Darth Vader with your piss-poor acting skills and bad lines/puns in the prequels, but there is one step left before the complete destruction.
DARTH VADER
What is it?
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
What will you say if you are informed that you have to learn to think?
DARTH VADER
(confused)
What is "think"?
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
Damn. Just yell "no", okay?
DARTH VADER
Okay. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
THE EVIL SITH/THE EMPEROR
Impressive. Most impressive. Now with such a bad line, Vader's image is totally destroyed! MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA...!
INT. BAIL ORGANA'S SHIP
BAIL ORGANA
Did anyone tell you that the twins' foster parents will die a tragic and horrible death?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
That's PRECISELY why we are not taking care of them.
YODA
The boy should be taken care by his father's brother on his father's home planet. Keep his surname the same with his father's, we must. His father has even visited his father's brother's home in the last movie, the best thing is. Totally able to find this boy in no time, his father will be.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
What? Aren't we supposed to HIDE them from Anakin and Sidious?
YODA
(wisely)
So? Oh, yeah, by the way, Obi-Wan, extra training I have for you.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Me? A Council Member needs extra training? This is insane.
YODA
(wisely)
Stupid, you are, Obi-Wan. The audience doesn't know you are on the Council despite that you are. Learn how to Force-Talk and turn into a blue ghost once you die, you must. By the way, Qui-Gon taught me that. Just now.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Whatever. So I won't learn how to disappear, right?
YODA
Uh, right.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(INDIFFERENT SCOWL)
Am I going to pass this technique to Anakin once we meet in hell so that he can reappear at the end of THE RETURN OF THE JEDI too?
YODA
(normally)
Look, your job is to bridge the trilogy, not to point out loopholes. And why are you always wearing that INDIFFERENT SCOWL?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
(normally, pissed)
Because I'm in a sea of green! There is green screen everywhere! I don't know where I am! And right now I'm supposed to be talking to you, but I can't even see who I am talking to! This is worst acting experience I've ever had in my entire life.
(pause)
Wait, perhaps this is not so bad; at least I don't have to pretend to be in love with some CGI great ape.
EXT. ALDERAAN PALACE BALCONY
BAIL holds up a baby who very much looks at least 7 months old.
EXT. TATOOINE
BERU & OWEN LARS
Did anyone tell you that the twins' foster parents will die a tragic and horrible death?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Whatever. Just make sure the boy grow up girly and have a bad hair cut. I will be watching over.
BERU LARS
He looks cute, but he also looks at least 7 months old. How did he do that?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Let's just make it easy. Watch the sunSET and expect THAT to be a proper metaphor for "A NEW Hope". I'm very serious; now that the prequels are over, people will buy the digitally enhanced version of the original movies!
So the sun finally sets. The AUDIENCE applauses when the movie, along with the terrible prequel era, ends.
FADE OUT. ROLL CREDITS. JOHN-WILLIAM MUSIC plays through, urging us to buy another copy of STAR WARS SOUNDTRACK.
AUDIENCE
FINALLY!!!!!!!!!
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
No, the movie is only the beginning. Go buy the DVDs (six-movie deluxe package!), games, soundtracks, novels, comics, picture books, action figures, plastic lightsabers, LEGOs, privilege to view secret on-line contents...
AUDIENCE
SHUT UP ASSHOLE!!!!!!!
The AUDIENCE rails against GEORGE LUCAS and sends him to HELL.
THE END