FADE IN:

INT. AUDIENCE'S HOME

#1 AUDIENCE MEMBER

The only Academy Awards Ceremony you've ever seen in your life is the one in which THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING was nominated; why do you want to see the thing now?

#2 AUDIENCE MEMBER

This year is full of thought-provoking films dealing with controversial issues in our society. This year's Oscar, unlike other years' Oscars, is important.

#1 AUDIENCE MEMBER

Fair enough. I just hope it won't be too boring.

They turn on the TV and begin to waste THREE AND HALF HOURS OF THEIR LIVES.

INT. KODAK THEATRE

JON STEWART

I'm your least choice!

The AUDIENCE doesn't believe him, but soon they know HE IS DEFINITELY RIGHT. He begins to throw around semi-related, politically-indifferent, UNFUNNY HOLLYWOOD JOKES, being completely unlike his DAILY SHOW SELF. He continues to do so, confusing his points, because he doesn't have a point other than being safe from the PATRIOT ACT and the FBI. Suddenly, he arrives at the first major message sent by the MASTERMIND BEHIND THE ACADEMY!

JON STEWART

Stop piracy! Look at those insanely-rich, smug, desperately-unlikable movie people! They are suffering because of your actions!

AUDIENCE/MOVIE PEOPLE

What?

To the AUDIENCE'S dismay, for the next three hours the situation DOESN'T IMPROVE MUCH. JON resolutely continues to be BORING and HUMORLESS, not remotely THOUGHT-PROVOKING or  even COMICALLY-FUNNY, because he attempts to avoid politics, which is exactly the opposite of the tendency of this year's collections of movies. The WINNERS, okay, not all of them, but most of them, stick to SAFELY THANKING PEOPLE WHOM THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT.

WINNERS (WITHERSPOON IN PARTICULAR)

I would like to thank all of you whom I need to please...and the only way to do so is to pronounce all your complicated names in an annoyingly precise and ridiculously slow fashion...

AUDIENCE

Jesus Christ! I don't even know who they are! Why do you have to waste my life to thank people who have absolutely nothing to do with MY life?!

THE MUSIC PEOPLE

Oh yes?

So, when it is a case in which there are more than two WINNERS on stage making respective speeches and the first WINNER has finally depleted the hope of the AUDIENCE, just as the second SPEAKER has approached the microphone and barely opened his mouth he is RUDELY SHOOED OFF STAGE by OBNOXIOUS MUSIC. THIS happens REPEATEDLY, pissing the AUDIENCE and the WINNERS off, because it doesn't make the show any less BORING while being very distracting and disrespectful to the person, further proving the ACADEMY has run out of HUMANITY and becomes a pathetic product of PURE COMMERCIALISM.

AUDIENCE

Holy shit, what the hell happened?

THE MUSIC PEOPLE

Since the 45-second rule has not resumed, we have to disrespectfully deprive some disadvantaged people of their right to free speech solely due to what is not their fault.

AUDIENCE

I can't believe I'm still watching this appalling display of cowardly opportunism.

The AUDIENCE goes to sleep. Suddenly, ACTORS, controlled by the MASTERMIND BEHIND THE ACADEMY, show up.

BUNCH OF MANIPULATED BODIES / MASTERMIND BEHIND THE ACADEMY

(repeatingly)

Movies. Are. Good. Pay. To. Watch.

JON STEWART

Not at all.

BUNCH OF MANIPULATED BODIES / MASTERMIND BEHIND THE ACADEMY

Hey, you are supposed to be on our side, you little shit!

JON STEWART

Ha, don't you see that deep down I'm still a New Yorker? In order to re-elevate my ruined reputation in this ceremony, I must change sides and become an offensively indifferent Hollywood-loather and by-stander! Only that way can I resume my funny self!

He FAILS to wake up the AUDIENCE, because apparently he is only FUNNY when he's TALKING ABOUT POLITICS, which is sadly one of the things he's NOT gonna do any sooner. After an OUTRAGEOUS DELAY, here comes the final showdown - the award for best pictures!

AUDIENCE

(awakening)

What, it's still not finished?

JACK NICHOLSON

Go CRASH!

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN FANS IN THE AUDIENCE

What? How did they – how could they – I mean, I've been watching this thing only because I wanna see BBM win!

CRASH FANS IN THE AUDIENCE

Whooooooeeeee! YEAH!

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN FANS IN THE AUDIENCE

This sucks! I must retreat to my bedroom and flood the floor.

CRASH FANS IN THE AUDIENCE

My life is complete; there's no reason for me to stay here any longer.

THE FANS FROM BOTH CAMPS leave.

OTHER PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE stay for the hope for a better conclusion. They REALLY should know better, given the DISAPPOINTMENT that they already have suffered. After an unnecessarily long COMMERCIAL SEQUENCE, the show RESUMES.

JON STEWART

This is it.

He then repeats a STOCK STATEMENT, stolen from some MAINSTREAM NEWSPAPER.

aUDIENCE

This is it? Just this lame, weak conclusion that is not creative, inspiring, or even marginally entertaining, not to mention totally unable to measure up the thoughtfulness presented in this year's string of socially-important movies?

JON STEWART

Actually, my main goal is to show just how much movies suck and drive you out of weekend theatres to become my regular "Daily Show" TV viewers!

AUDIENCE

I hate you.

FADE OUT. ROLL CREDITS and UNREMARKABLE MOMENTS, so that them seem REMARKABLE.

END