FADE IN:

INT. DARK ROOM, HIDDEN SPACE STATION ORBITING THE EARTH

A short FIGURE has boarded onto the view platform of the station. It walks up and bows down to another figure, which is watching the planet EARTH from above.

FIGURE I

(with an obvious British accent)

Royalty, the operation was a success! We have achieved the objective of manipulating the anthropoid Steven Spielberg into hiring the Hollywood antichrist Michael Bay!

FIGURE II slowly turns to the previous figure. A shred of sunlight, escaping the eclipse of the orbited planet, illuminates his form at this precise moment. It is BEAST WARS MEGATRON.

MEGATRON

(in sinister laughter)

Excellent. When that vile source-rapist is employed, I will be, again, a step closer to my total triumph! Yes...Bay's detestable interpretation of filmmaking will, why of course, give rise to a historic cinema catastrophe that is otherwise known as the Transformer film! When the product is finally exposed to the Earth population, no one can stop me! Yessssss...

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN OUTER SPACE

OPTIMUS PRIME narrates some important stuff about some CUBE. We know this is important because it will lead to some GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS.

AUDIENCE

Hey, the shot of the Earth actually lasts for more than three seconds! It's almost as good as a non-Bay movie, such as, say, THE INDEPENDENCE DAY! Maybe this isn't the typical Bay trash after all.

Suddenly, this scene ENDS, replaced by one where JOSH DUHAMEL is berating ZACK WARD for speaking a different language, which is very appropriately FUNNY to set the tone of this movie.

EXT. QATAR - IDEALIZED AMERICAN BASE

JOSH DUHAMEL, ZACK WARD, and TYRESE GIBSON are delivering some ARMY BULLSHIT about MIDDLE-EAST, in an attempt to make a commercial for MARINE TROOP RECRUITMENT.

JOSH DUHAMEL

(talking to his wife while looking at the camera)

Life in an army is not so bad! You see, you get to meet interesting people, communicate with your family frequently, be comfortable despite the "harsh" environment, and even co-exist happily with the locals when you proudly stroll around on their territory with guns and your army gear fetish!

(pause)

Well, except if you speak Spanish, in which case you should be treated like shit.

AUDIENCE

What the hell? We came here to see the robots! And how is it possible for those people to maintain their unadulterated American way in a land that is known for the tension between the ruling government's political alignment and the population's yearn for traditional religious orthodoxy? And what's with that stupid Spanish joke that has been offensively repeated for the fifth time just six minutes in -

Suddenly, a helicopter TRANSFORMS INTO A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT THAT BLOWS THE GIANT FUCKING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING AND IT'S SO GIANT FUCKING BAD ASS THAT NO ONE EVER FUCKING CARES WHY THIS GIANT FUCKING SCENE IS HAPPENING!

AUDIENCE (CONT'D)

Oh God, it's Blackout! BLACKOUT! This is awesome, because a movie can be awesome just by LYING ABOUT MAKING TRANSFORMERS ITS CENTRAL CHARACTERS EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT THEM!

(rapidly degenerating into sounds of semi-conscious chanting)

TRANSFORMERS! TRANSFORMERS! TRANSFORMERS! TRANSFORMERS...

Completely intoxicated, the AUDIENCE can now be subject to anything and still loves it with all their HEART and their INNER CHILD. Trying to have some good, clean fun with himself, MICHAEL BAY, the CHAIRMAN OF THE ASSOCIATION AGAINST RESPECT FOR FILMMAKERS, proceeds to make the worst movie his capacity as a non-biological creature allows him to, first by cutting to the most pathological setting to introduce in a Transformer-related story, let alone spending one-third of the screen time on it.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - CLASSROOM FILMED WITH SHAKY CAMERA

AWESOME SHIA LABEOUF is making a class presentation and one JOKE after another, just to insult the AUDIENCE'S intelligence.

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

So, my great, great grandfather was a famous explorer who went insane after a luckless journey to the arctic.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. AWESOME WINDY SNOW PLAINS

SHIA LABEOUF'S GREAT, GREAT GRANDFATHER

Listen to me, people! NO SACRIFICE, NO VICTORY! I know this sentence is out of the blue and doesn't make any sense in this scene, but that's apparently the best the writers can do to work a heroic catchphrase into this massive two hours and twenty minutes of a crime against intelligent storytelling!

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - CLASSROOM FILMED WITH SHAKY CAMERA

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

Hence, in light of the traumatizing history of my respectable ancestor, I'm using this intellectual occasion to announce that the most precious relics of his legacy - his glasses, and among other things - are now being auctioned on Ebay.com, purely to satisfy my angsty teen ego.

TEACHER

Whoa, you are just going to sell his things? Just like that? Doesn't that establish you as not only a selfish jerk, but also a shallow moron?

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

But I'm only doing this to get a car, and a chick.

TEACHER

Oh. Well, if you are trying to get a car, just like every other teen in the audience, then you should do whatever you want. Clearly blatant blaspheming of the worst kind - commercialism is now wholly justified.

SHIA LABEOUF

And for the same reason I should get an A- for this blaspheming.

He SUCCEEDS, because FUCKERS are also WINNERS. He makes some more AWESOME jokes, then visits second-hand car dealer BERNIE MAC, who is so worried that the AUDIENCE won't notice that he's black that he has to make every single black stereotype of his as loud as possible.

BERNIE MAC

Damn, I am so black! Watch me be black! I comically claim African heritage, comically ridicule Hispanics, comically cheat on my customers, comically fast talk, comically have a big, fat, vulgar black mother and I comically call her "Mammy" and probably "Bitch" behind the scene as well! Isn't being black funny? DAMN BEING BLACK IS SO FUNNY!

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

I absolutely want that car, more specifically that one with a yellow beat-up shell and stupid racing stripes.

BERNIE MAC

Oh, you mean the glaringly abnormal one that is actually the corrupted version of the Gadgetmobile? I'm asking for five thousand dollars, only because it's more than your father is willing to pay and posing as another petty obstacle to your teen egoism that drags this movie on.

Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE boisterously fucks up BERNIE'S INVENTORY, because it's rather CUTE and ruining another human being's life is WITTY, AWESOME, and HUMANE.

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA BUMBLEBEE TOTALLY ROCKS! TAKE THAT AND DIE, STUPID BLACK MAN!

SHIA LABEOUF

Wow, it's great that the first Autobot introduced in this movie is a prick AND a moron, as he apparently doesn't know what disguise means even if it hits him in the windshield.

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

And it's also great that the most important driving force of an expensive, two-hour-long, action-packed sci-fi film's plot is the pathetic teen ego of a superficial dickhead who makes retarded jokes and doesn't even know the difference between "a cool car" and a car that thinks out loud.

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

Hey, my car is switching his radio channels all by itself! This clearly isn't any indication of supernaturalism. Heh heh. Stupid car.

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

See what I mean, loser? God, I fucking hate this guy. Please let this movie be Stephen King's CHRISTINE so that I can fucking kill him at the end.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. AWESOME PENTAGON

JON VOIGHT is recruiting a shitload of YOUNG GEEKS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE.

RACHAEL TAYLOR

You are introducing another worthless subplot? Don't you think that you are making this movie even more overpopulated and tedious than it already is? With such a huge cast, how is it possible for the writers to make the audience understand the character's motivations and hence understand the plot?

JON VOIGHT

Look, in this stereotype-fest, everyone is a stereotype so they are all well in line with their designated stereotype function.

AUDIENCE

SO SHIA IS THE CUTE NERD AND MEGAN IS THE HOT CHICK AND JULIE IS THE ANNOYING PARENT AND RACHAEL IS THE HOT SCIENTIST CHICK AND JON IS THE MACHO MAN WE CAN DEPEND ON! GOT IT! STEREOTYPES RULE BECAUSE WE CAN UNDERSTAND A CHARACTER ONLY WHEN HE IS A STEREOTYPE!

COLIN FICKES

And while the writers appeal to the targeted audience's inability to understand characters with more than a nanometer of depth, Michael will appeal to their lust for chaotic camera angels, explosions of EVERYTHING in a setting, and close-ups of Megan Fox's tits.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - HOUSE FILMED IN HIGH FREQUENCY OF SHOTS

SHIA is trying to be CUTE and HUMOROUS.

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked and obsessing, which is also a joke)

Hey, I'm feeding my dog painkillers and it's filmed like an action sequence! I'm practicing how to be an asshat to a mirror which is also filmed like an action sequence! And I will drive off with my car and it's filmed like a PORNO!

FRENZY

Interesting...so you are undercover at Shia's house in order to...what was your objective again?

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

Assist him in his arduous quest of getting into Megan Fox's pants, which is the Bay-ian equivalent to boy-car bonding.

FRENZY

What? This is just the recreation of the same old kiddy bullshit that TV networks use to turn teenagers into rigid members of the consumer culture, only sexed up by sentient cars that just happen to be Transformers!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

Only that it is bestowed with the involvement of Michael Bay, which means even LESS comprehensible visual storytelling and that the lack thereof isn't even the worst element of it.

FRENZY

Oh. Then, while you pit rationality and competence against the Autobots and squander the audience's life without explaining how you got to know Shia's possession of the glasses in the first place, I will go on to do something that is far more significant to the plot.

BARRICADE

Plot? What Plot? You mean hacking into government files, again? Geeze, where were you when that helicopter actually blew up some shit, blew up his cover, and made the US government search for us all over the place?

FRENZY

We are just desperately attempting to justify the government subplot. Don't start sweating, though; you haven't seen the MOST preposterous part of this movie yet.

He next shows up on AIR-FORCE ONE, where he accesses the AWESOME COMPUTER NETWORK.

FRENZY (CONT'D)

And no, I wasn't even talking about the logical concept of an alien getting aboard on an airplane that has the world's most advanced defense system, walking aimlessly around while trying to be comical or obnoxious, connecting to the computer networks that in actuality can only be accessed anywhere else, and bypassing hundreds of thousands of theoretically rigorously-trained security officials. After killing twenty of them.

AUDIENCE

OOOOOO FRENZY IS SO SCARY AND ZANY! SHIA IS CUTE! THIS MOVIE IS TOTALLY TECHNICAL AND BRILLIANT!

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

And now enough of this marginally amusing subplot! Let's re-visit the horrible, KIDDY side of this story!

MEGATRON (V. O.)

...and let Bay push his own immeasurable limits, purely to see how horrendous a film can be.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - LAKE

SHIA is taking his friend for a drive, only to abandon him and the code of COMMON DECENCY. This is RIGHT, again because FUCKERS are also WINNERS. He goes after MEGAN FOX, who is the RESIDENT SUPER HOTTIE MATERIALIZED STRAIGHT FROM THE FANBOYS' WET DREAM™.

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked and hitting on Megan, which is a Joke)

Hi Megan, wanna take a ride from probably the most wretched protagonist in movie history?

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

And he shits on the driver's seat, too.

MEGAN FOX

(trying, too, to make a joke)

Well, I don't see why I shouldn't.

Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE plays AWESOME AND SHITTY LOVE TUNES. This is ROMANTIC. Or CREEPY.

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

Yo, baby, wassup? I been waiting for somebody out this motherfucka to come out here with some pussy.

SHIA LABEOUF

(joking and kicking the car's control panel, which may or may not be Bumblebee's groin)

Didn't I tell you to stop? What an evil son of a bitch!

MEGAN FOX

(examining the car, which is potentially a Joke)

Well, Shia, turns out it IS Stephen King's Christine.

SHIA LABEOUF

Because it is so bitingly autonomous?

MEGAN FOX

That, and because both of them are personalization of the same thing: the cognitive reality of brand establishment.

As she says so, MICHAEL BAY shoots 3 minutes of close-ups of her TITS and CROTCH while the AUDIENCE shoots their SPERM in public.

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA MEGAN HAS GREAT TITS AND A LOVELY ASS AND SHIA IS LOOKING AT THEM LIKE HE IS WATCHING HANNAH MONTANA FUCKING A WIND MILL! SEXY AND HILARIOUS!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

Dear God, what happened?

SHIA LABEOUF

Well, whatever it is, it's certainly not a Transformer movie.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

Oh yeah?

Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE transforms into the C-3PO FROM HELL. He projects the AWESOME AUTOBOT INSIGNIA onto the clouds, because the script writers were told to carefully abstain from measures that will credit the AUDIENCE with intelligence.

SHIA LABEOUF (CONT'D)

And THIS is how you fulfill the premise? Signaling to the other Autobots? Then why on earth didn't you do this sooner, instead of trying to get me laid?

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

What? No, I'm sending a signal to all the present Decepticons and humans to publicize your location. Why else do I abandon the far more reliable and subtle use of electric waves and instead rely on projector light that in no way can penetrate the Earth's atmosphere?

Terrified, SHIA runs off. BUMBLEBEE chases him.

SHIA LABEOUF

Aieeeee! Possessed Car! Get away from me!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

Huh, you haven't figured that out yet? Wasn't purposefully trashing every single car within fifteen square miles and casually destroying a man's life a solid proof of how possessed and evil this car was? And WHY did you even buy it, assclown?

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

So that the screenwriters can make car-theft-related jokes.

(pauses to think of a Joke)

So, like, I was TOTALLY angry that my car was stolen. Ha ha ha!

BUMBLEBEE

(pause, then switches on radio)

I'm going to run you over for that.

He chases him some more and then doesn't use his RADIO to communicate, so that SHIA can crash into a POLICE CAR.

AUDIENCE

BARRICADE! BARRICADE! BARRI-

It ISN'T.

POLICEMEN

What were you running from?

SHIA LABEOUF

This movie, the haphazard fusion of rips off from CHRISTINE, FROM A BUICK 8, INDEPENDENCE DAY, THE TERMINATOR, MIB, E.T., TOP GUN, and TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!

POLICEMEN

Well, you forgot about the AMERICAN PIE's. You are arrested.

SHIA is ARRESTED and starts to make some AWESOME and STUPID DRUG jokes, since BAY has no sense of PACE.

AUDIENCE

LONGER! LOOOOOONGERRRRRRRR!

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. MIDDLE-EAST

JOSH is AWESOMELY leading his surviving gang of ONE-DIMENSIONAL HUMAN EXPENDABLES to a village.

JOSH DUHAMEL

So that we can blow it up, along with its Middle-Eastern, non-American residents.

Suddenly, a GIANT FUCKING SCORPION pops out of sand and kills ZACK, though not before MICHAEL can extract another AWESOME SPANISH joke out of him.

SCORPONOK

RARRR! FEAR ME! I HAVE POINTY LEGS, AND A LARGE TAIL! I ALSO CRAWL UNDER THE SAND!

TYRESE GIBSON

Were you sleeping until we have the means to call in reinforcements? Hey, I think that pretty much established your brain status as an Intel -0.1.

SCORPONOK

RARRR! I WILL KILL YOU!

He mildly blasts instead of stabbing them, while JOSH is interrupting the action with AWESOME COMEDY every so often.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Look! Our troop is being endangered by greedy, nose-picking phone operators from India! India clearly sucks! Only NON-ASIANS, preferably REAL AMERICANS, are worthy enough to serve the Americans!

This is extremely FUNNY and totally not OFFENSIVE. Suddenly, the U.S. GOVERNMENT sends millions of AWESOME JETS and throws down TRILLIONS OF AWESOME EXPLOSIVES. One of them hits SCORPONOK, while the rest bomb the whole village to an AWESOME pile of dust and ashes.

JOSH DUHAMEL

And no, absolutely nothing about social efficiency or civilian casualties is suspicious or should be cared about, because all we needed was just lots of explosions.

(pause)

And my heroic survival. For my cute little white baby girl.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. SOME HOUSE

RACHAEL TAYLOR visits ANTHONY ANDERSON, who isn't worthless only because he is FUCKING HILARIOUS.

ANTHONY ANDERSON

Look at me, I'm so black! I'm geeky and black, which makes me a fat jackass and you are supposed to laugh! And isn't it so brilliantly humorous that two out of three black persons in this movie just happen to both pull their shit on the same kind of fat, irresponsible, bitchy female heads of household that they have?

RACHAEL TAYLOR

Anthony, I need your help to break those Decepticon codes that breached the security system.

ANTHONY ANDERSON

Right; I will just tap Any Key and left-click the mouse four times and this movie's arbitrary Keywords will come up in colorful 3-D animations. Just like in a computer programmer's fantasy.

Suddenly, they are ARRESTED and LOCKED UP, which is just as FUNNY and ACTION-FILLED as SHIA'S.

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - STREET FILMED WITH SWIFT AND TIGHT CLOSE-UPS

SHIA runs from his house into the street. This is SMART because streets do not have walls to separate him from his car. Whose ALIEN ENGINE POWER is outrun by SHIA'S SUPERHUMAN LEG MUSCLES.

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked and riding on a pink bike, which is a Joke)

Is this some hidden message about the real Camaros?

Suddenly, he is INTERROGATED by BARRICADE, who scares him by shaking his surroundings instead of using cannons.

BARRICADE

And it's a good thing that I'm furthering the impression that Decepticons are mindlessly destructive, Miniature Godzillas! Who can also be outrun by Shia's superhuman leg muscles.

The 20-FEET-TALL ROBOT is OUTRUN by the SIX-FEET-TALL SHIA, which is AWESOME, INTENSE and NOT GROTESQUELY STUPID. Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues him and, just his fucking luck, MEGAN, and MICHAEL BAY finally gets the AWESOME car chase he pines so much.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

Ha, bet you didn't see that coming! Man, I'm the master of unpredictability.

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

You meant our ability to not only transform from crappy stunt cars into even crappier CGI, but also to transform day into night, right?

He DOES, or maybe it's just MICHAEL channeling ED WOOD. Then the two ROBOTS transform and begin to FIGHT!

INFERNO (V. O.)

Royalty, the program is operating at 300 percent capacity! We are successfully destroying five times ten to the twenty-seventh power audience brain cells per second!

BARRICADE

RARRRR!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

RARRRR!

BARRICADE

RARRRR! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY DUEL FLAILS!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

BUT ALL I'M SEEING IS JUST SHINY METAL TWIRLING IN THE AIR! AND IS THAT YOUR ARM, OR MY LEG?

BARRICADE

WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SENSELESS, ILL-CHOREOGRAPHED ACTION IS ALL THE AUDIENCE NEEDS?

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

REALLY? THEN WHY DON'T THEY GO PLAY THIS MOVIE'S LICENSED VIDEO GAME? AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE MORE COMPREHENSIBLE AND LESS PRETENTIOUS!

BARRICADE

BUT THEN THEY CAN'T ENJOY THE DIRECTION OF MICHAEL BAY, WHO HAS MADE SURE THAT THE CAMERA IS SO BLURRY THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF AN ACTION MOVIE IF YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOY THE ACTION?

BARRICADE

YOU SEE, YOU CAN ENJOY JUVENILE, MIND-NUMBING ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

LIKE THIS?

He throws the camera at FRENZY, who is chasing SHIA and pulling his PANTS.

FRENZY

Don't mess up with me, or I will go off like a CD player on a rampage!

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and unsurprisingly Comical)

You know, you are probably the most awful piece of CGI ever produced.

FRENZY

RARR! I WILL UNLEASH MY UNIMAGINABLE POWER OF BEING AN UNCANNY PANASONIC ELECTRONIC DEVICE!

He hauls BROKEN CDS at SHIA but is then AWESOMELY BEHEADED with an ordinary construction tool, his self-healing alien metal notwithstanding. Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE approaches in his GIANT FUCKING ROBOT form, presumably scaring the shit out of SHIA.

SHIA LABEOUF

Wow. It's a robot. You know, like a super advanced robot. It's probably Japanese.

That was an actual line from the movie.

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

Can't you just FOR A MINUTE pretend that this is all real and ignore Michael Bay's insistence that we are all just in a fucking movie?

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking not so shocked, but still making Jokes)

Of course not. I mean, what IS the audience supposed to do in a Michael Bay movie anyway? Suspend their disbelief?

AUDIENCE

AND IT'S ALL RIGHT! WE ARE VEGETABLES - WE CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING BUT GOOD THINGS ABOUT THIS MOVIE!

MEGATRON (V. O.)

CORRECT! WATCH THIS FILM AND OPEN YOURSELVES TO THE POWER OF SLAGGY ENTERTAINMENT! UNCONSCIOUSNESS CONQUERS ALL!

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

And I will make out with Megan using seat belts!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

While I will convert into the latest model of Camaro that is all beautiful and new and a total piece of General Motor's pride and joy!

MEGATRON (V. O.)

... What?

Sure enough, GIANT PIECES OF AWESOME, FLAMING SHIT finally fall onto EARTH and AWESOMELY destroy some more property. But not without TEN MINUTES OF AWESOME JOKES, including one that praises FUCKING ARMAGEDDON.

RATCHET

Because, unlike the Decepticons, who are Miniature Godzillas, we are the destructive, robotic version of Barney and Big Bird.

They all decide to reformat into POORLY-MANUFACTURED, CHEAP-LOOKING vehicles; OPTIMUS PRIME chooses a truck that has all its trailers traded for weird flame works, possibly implying that 90% of truck drivers are IMPRACTICAL AND OBNOXIOUS PUNKS.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Of all the trucks in this universe, I stumbled upon one that is LEAST LIKELY to exist.

They circle around MEGAN and SHIA. OPTIMUS begins to introduce the AUTOBOTS, who eagerly reveal the most distinctive trait in their behavior so that the writers don't have to show any of it in the remainder of the movie.

OPTIMUS PRIME

I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the robot caricatures bereft of any bit of personhood. Also, am I Joking correctly?

IRONHIDE

I'm Ironhide, the ultimate paradox: on the one hand I'm a trigger-happy idiot, but on the other hand, I'm very careful and precise in elaborating my foes' agonizing terminations. This totally doesn't mean that I'm more of a Decepticon, though.

RATCHET

I'm Ratchet, the medic and I... My God, Shia, what kind of raging hormone do you possess to have your desire for sexual intercourses override the fact that you should be scared shitless upon seeing those Giant Fucking Robots?

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking not so shocked and whistling, which is a Joke)

Was I just lectured by someone who casually betrays people's medical conditions, leading one to imagine what kind of profession ethics he practices?

JAZZ

I'm Jazz, and you could immediately tell that I'm the only Autobot who's going to die.

MEGAN FOX

Because you are mysteriously the smallest Autobot?

JAZZ

No, you can see that only because my name is "Jazz" and my character consists nothing more than break dance and street-talk.

MEGAN FOX

...

OPTIMUS PRIME

Yeah, I suppose you should get your mind blown away, at least for once in a movie that has some Giant fucking Robots.

MEGAN FOX

No, I just couldn't believe that Michael Bay managed to be this stupid. Did he think that upgrading you somehow means the same thing as giving you shitty new looks and flattening your already painfully thin personalities?

IRONHIDE

Geeze, and to think this comes from the humans who are even LESS human than us.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Well, so we are here for this Cube Thing, the "AllSpark", or some stupid 80's name like that, and Shia holds a vital clue to us finding it, the information on which we extracted from Ebay and somehow NOT government network -

SHIA LABEOUF

Ebay AGAIN? Do you know this is the EIGHTH time that we've mentioned Ebay? And what kind of movie is this to rely its focal plot point on EBAY? Did a bunch of drunken teenagers write a parody on SPY KIDS and Steven Spielberg mistook it for the TRANSFORMERS script?

OPTIMUS PRIME

Look, that is the most complicated IT terminology that Michael Bay can ever understand somewhat correctly, so let's be charitable and call it a plus for this movie. Anyway, we are here for the Cube, and its location was imprinted to your ancestor's glasses by Megatron's navigational system. Which was activated and capable of the complex tasks of scanning a radius of hundreds of thousands of miles and producing codes onto nearby objects while the rest of Megatron was disabled. And all it required of activation was just your ancestor's Golden Touch.

(pause)

I don't get it.

SHIA LABEOUF

Okay, so what now?

OPTIMUS PRIME

(trying to make a Joke)

We need to get to your house, and retrieve the plot device that will get this movie going.

SHIA LABEOUF

(trying to make a Joke)

The glasses you referred to?

OPTIMUS PRIME

Actually, I meant that the AMERICAN PIE script just expired. We need a new script that is equally stupid and derivative. I mean, do you honestly believe this movie couldn’t sink any lower?

They go to SHIA'S AWESOME HOUSE as MICHAEL tries to ruin the definition of CINEMATIC STRUCTURE with more AWESOME TV SITCOM MATERIAL.

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA TRANSFORMERS ARE CUTE AND COMICAL AND TOTALLY BENIGN AND PARENTS REALLY ARE ANNOYING AND MEGAN IS AGAIN HOT AND SHIA IS AGAIN CUTE AND MASTURBATION IS BRILLIANT AND HILARIOUS!

JAZZ

What the fuck? Did there go a total of THIRTY minutes of my life? Remind me why I even signed up for TRANSFORMERS, if Michael Bay still dares to call it such.

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking not so shocked, and Joking)

I found the script!

OPTIMUS PRIME

(relaxes)

Thank God! I was almost convinced that nothing ever could be salvaged from this kiddy -

(pause)

Uh, Shia, it's a piece of toilet paper. With Michael Bay's shit on it.

SHIA LABEOUF

It just turned out that even WAR OF THE WORLDS was too intelligent for him, so we had to resort to the severely dumbed-down version of MEN IN BLACK without realizing that it was actually a SPOOF on this type of movie.

As per SCRIPT INSTRUCTIONS, they are ARRESTED again, this time by JOHN TURTURRO and his OVER-THE-TOP PERFORMANCE AS AN ASSHOLE-ISH GOVERNMENT AGENT.

MEGAN FOX

Wait, weren't you in that EXCELLENT Joel Coen movie? What the fuck are you doing in the epitome of everything your career has stood against?!

JOHN TURTURRO

I don't really know. I guessed it was the end of the era of quality entertainment and film as an art form in general. So, just to make things even stupider, we at the Sector Seven have known the Transformers all along, ever since Shia's great, great Grandpa discovered -

SHIA LABEOUF

Wait, so, you allowed my ancestor to publicize his discovery, and were entirely ignorant of the fact that complete information of an artifact of human-extinction importance is available on the singularly most accessible media in existence?

JOHN TURTURRO

That, and we are incapable of action until the dangerous aliens are everywhere and things have gone completely out of control.

SHIA LABEOUF

Wow, you are really, really stupid, you know that?

MEGATRON (V. O.)

Yes! And it is all right for government agencies to be useless AND expensive to fund with your tax money!

JOHN takes them away. On their way, they mention MEGAN'S car theft record, which is SURPRISING because this extra information is an utter waste of time and it's a wonder why it is even mentioned. Then the CAST proceed to spend twenty minutes on it, which eventually leads CASPER'S UNCLES, uh, I mean, the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS to tear down their car. Oh, and BUMBLEBEE pees all over JOHN, complete with a BWINK sound.

MEGAN FOX

And you shall strip yourself where you stand for how you treated my father!

SHIA LABEOUF

What? Wasn't he a SECRET AGENT? Then why the hell was a secret agent dealing with a petty car thie -

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA BUMBLEBEE PEED ON OTHER PEOPLE JUST LIKE WHAT A DOG WOULD DO AND THIS MEANS BUMBLEBEE IS SHIA'S DOG! BRILLIANT AND AWESOME!

OPTIMUS PRIME

And I thought that was shockingly distasteful and obnoxious. And why weren't you stunned when you saw us, John Turturro?

JOHN TURTURRO

Didn't you hear Shia? The very basic premise of cinema - the Suspension of Disbelief - DOESN'T matter in a Bay movie.

Then BUMBLEBEE is suddenly VAGUELY SUBDUED by some EVIL, THREATENING,FISHING-STRING-WIELDING HUMANS as the VIOLINS wail in the background.

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

Aieeeee! Help! No! Ahhhhh!

SHIA LABEOUF

I will help you out of the threatening fishing strings in a minute, my 4000-Buck Car!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

What? No! I need help understanding why the audience is crying their eyes out! In addition to the fact that two minutes ago I just acted like a motherfucker to John, can't they also see that Michael has made this scene specifically indistinguishable from relevant scenes in E. T., KING KONG, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, FREE WILLY, THE IRON GIANT, FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR, and ANY movie that involves bonding between a human and a non-human?

MEGAN FOX

Maybe except that in this case, not only the dialogues and direction are void of any heart or soul, but also the human recovers immediately when he later rides a helicopter, since helicopter-riding is AWESOME.

AUDIENCE

(now with tears of joy)

YEAH, YOU TELL THEM, BABY!

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. AWESOME HOOVER DAM - FAST ROTATING CAMERA SHOWERED IN AWESOME BLUE LIGHTING

SECTOR SEVEN OFFICIALS are suddenly trying to get on SHIA'S good side, because, being a TRANSFORMER FILM, it only has to show the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS ONCE IN A WHILE.

MICHAEL O'NEILL

Hello Shia, I'm playing Rip Torn's character in this movie. I'm here to enlist your help.

SHIA LABEOUF

But I don't know anything more than what you already know!

MICHAEL O'NEILL

I don't see why we shouldn't still ask for your assistance.

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

All right then. But I will first exploit your desire to save the human race and coerce you into releasing my car and dropping Megan's criminal record, thereby erasing any reason for the threads we picked up twenty minutes ago and thus proving that anything Sector Seven has done is useless and dumb.

MICHAEL O'NEILL

Well, despite this outrageous contradiction, we will comply, because all government officials are teenagers' bitch in a movie marketed towards teenagers.

The MAJOR HUMAN CHARACTERS, no less than NINE of them, are assembled to discuss things.

MEGAN FOX

Are you going to show us the big secret the government has been hiding from us?

JOHN TURTURRO

Actually, I was going to ask you to compare and contrast your unique stereotype functions. But sure, whatever.

He shows them a COMATOSE MEGATRON.

MICHAEL O'NEILL

He used to reside in the arctic, but we brought him here, precisely where the Cube Thing is located.

TYRESE GIBSON

And why the hell did you do it?

JOHN TURTURRO

Umm... so that when he wakes up, which is what he's about to do, he can free-ride on our costs and get this thing as conveniently as possible? I don't know. It's just cool and childlike to put alien objects close to each other, I think.

ANTHONY ANDERSON

Wait a second. So, the Decepticons wouldn't have known about the glasses had Shia not just HAPPENED to be enough of an idiot to auction the glasses on the Internet, and the Autobots wouldn't have got anywhere close to Shia had he not just HAPPENED to be visiting Bernie Mac, and the Decepticons wouldn't have pursued Shia had those glasses not just HAPPENED to have the Cube's coordinates, and Megatron wouldn't have wakened had you not just HAPPENED to have transported him here, and we wouldn't have been able to move the AllSpark had Bumblebee not just HAPPENED to be able to shrink it???

MICHAEL O'NEILL

Exactly.

RACHAEL TAYLOR

Wow, do you have any idea of how many hideous coincidences it takes to progress this appallingly infantile AND convoluted plot?

Meanwhile, FRENZY is sending ELECTRIC WAVES through the thick walls that even the ALLSPARK'S energy can't penetrate.

STARSCREAM

That was Frenzy's Six-Sense signal! WOOT! Alright Decepticons, alien-style roll call in subtitles!

All the DECEPTICONS THAT DON'T EXIST PRIOR TO THIS POINT AND WON'T EXIST AFTER THIS MOVIE set off to MAJESTICALLY REVEAL THEMSELVES!

BARRICADE

Barricade, the mysterious Decepticon that might have been destroyed but not really and what happens to me after this movie isn't clear either!

DEVASTATOR

And my name is Devastator -

(pause)

"Devastator", right?

STARSCREAM

Right, because Michael Bay is actually a fifteen year old with a negative IQ in disguise.

DREAMCRUSHER

And I'm Dreamcrusher, crusher of the Transformer fans' dreams to see at least a half-decent portrayal of the Constructicons!

BLACKOUT

And Blackout, the first Decepticon introduced, which means I'm destined to first show off how awesome I am and then be casually sadistically thrown off the franchise like a punk in a horror movie!

They begin to ATTACK HOOVER DAM AND MEGATRON WAKES UP! BUMBLEBEE is subsequently released.

SHIA LABEOUF

Bumblebee, I'm glad you're alive! And semi-well, too!

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

I'd believe you, had you not valued touring in this facility more than relieving me from the tortures.

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

Yeah, well, I suppose you have the means to destroy that Cube thing and/or contact Optimus, right?

BUMBLEBEE

(switching between channels)

No, but I can make it small enough for you to carry around. This increases our chances of winning, really.

JOHN TURTURRO

Uh...

JOSH DUHAMEL

And we will take it to a city and somehow hide it from the flying robots that can anticipate our every move so that we will fail hiding it anyway!

RACHAEL TAYLOR

What a spectacularly lame-ass argument that is totally not propagated just so we can have crazy explosions and have innocent people die violently!

They DO and AWESOMELY abandon the SECTOR SEVEN WORKERS to MEGATRON.

MEGATRON

I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIVE! AND SPONTANEOUSLY SPEAKING ENGLISH I LEARNED VIA THE NON-EXISTENT INTERNET IN HOOVER DAM!

And MICHAEL flash cuts to JON VOIGHT, RACHAEL TAYLOR, ANTHONY ANDERSON, and JOHN TURTURRO, because he edits film best when he is ON CRACK.

JON VOIGHT

What the fuck are we doing in this movie, anyway?

They are TERRORIZED by the 1.5-FEET-TALL FRENZY, which is probably ambivalently FUNNY and COMPELLING, or simply boring, and then BAY again flash cuts to the AUTOBOTS who were just joy-driving, and, at this perfect timing at the verge of world destruction, the AUDIENCE is treated with a GM CAR COMMERCIAL!

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA GM TOTALLY ROCKS AND AUTOBOTS ARE ALL SHINY!

IRONHIDE

My God, this movie is truly more than meets the eye.

RATCHET

Because it features some Giant fucking Robots?

IRONHIDE

No, I mean it's truly even stupider than it looks.

Their paths converged, OPTIMUS suddenly fights DREAMCRUSHER!

OPTIMUS PRIME

No, we are not supposed to commence the big battle just yet! This is a human movie - WE CAN'T HAVE TOO MUCH GIANT FUCKING ROBOT ACTION!

He disposes of DREAMCRUSHER as quickly as possible.

FRENZY

And I think you'd like more Comical Action!

He again hauls BROKEN CDS at JON and JOHN like they are BOOMERANGS, but then he beheads himself and disappears from this franchise forever and ever, and so do this set and all but one of its cast.

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA WHAT AN AWESOME MOVIE! BESTESTEST I'VE SEEN THIS YEAR!

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

(now completely delirious)

Damn I'm a fucking genius of solving subplots, because I just cut abruptly away and never show them again!

He then throws a BOMB at MISSION CITY, which is promptly ensued by EMOTIONAL SLOW MOTION where SHIA touches MEGAN for the 100000th time

DEVASTATOR

Jesus, what was supposed to be the emotion other than disgust in that emotional sho--

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

NOW SOME MORE EXPLOSIONS!

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. AWESOME FIGHT! AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME! FAST ROTATING CAMERA MADE OUT OF PURE AWESOMENESS!

THE TRANSFORMERS JUMP INTO THE AWESOME HEATED BATTLE! OPTIMUS FIGHTS BARRICADE! BARRICADE FIGHTS RATCHET! RATCHET FIGHTS DEVASTATOR! DEVASTATOR FIGHTS IRONHIDE! IRONHIDE FIGHTS BLACKOUT! BLACKOUT FIGHTS JAZZ! JAZZ FIGHTS BARRICADE! BARRICADE BOMBS SOME RANDOM TARGET!

BLACKOUT

OW, THAT WAS ME, YOU MORON!

RATCHET

AIEEEE! WHERE AM I? AM I SUPPOSED TO STAND HERE OR THERE?

DEVASTATOR

THIS IS SO CONFUSING! WHERE IS MY EYE LINE? WHAT THE HELL ARE MY TEAMMATES DOING? AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?

OPTIMUS PRIME

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WITH A SCENE WHERE GIANT ROBOTS ARE FIGHTING AND BLOWING EACH OTHER UP, I'M ACTUALLY BORED!

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, HOW'S THIS FOR AN ACTION SEQUENCE - STEVEN, LET'S PLAY A GAME OF FOOTBALL! CATCH!

HE THROWS THE CAMERA AT PRODUCER STEVEN SPIELBERG! STEVEN SNATCHES IT AND IT ACCIDENTALLY CATCHES IRONHIDE AWESOMELY FLYING OVER A SCREAMING FEMALE IN SLOW MOTION, TRANSFORMING AND LANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE FOR NO REASON!

IRONHIDE

What in the fucking hell was THAT? What's that got to do with us fighting?

TYRESE GIBSON

Huh, were you? I thought I was just watching the close-ups of giant piles of toe nail clippers stuffed in a malfunctioning blender.

THEN STEVEN THROWS A LONG SHOT INTO THE SKY AND WE SEE FUCKING STARSCREAM SUDDENLY ARRIVES WITH FIRE BLAZING!

STARSCREAM

RARRR! I will distract the audience from noticing how absolutely shitty the whole movie is with my astounding sky-kung fu skills!

F-22 PILOTS

Astounding because the stunts you are performing defy all the physical laws in the universe?

STARSCREAM

Ha! Don't you know who I am? I'm Air-Commander Starscream! I COMMAND AIR MOLECULES!

HE DOES AND DISPATCHES THE JETS AS IF THEY WERE MADE OUT OF LEGO BRICKS!

STARSCREAM

And steel molecules, too.

Suddenly, the CAMERA quickly descents into the CITY, and PRODUCER DON MURPHY DOES AN AWESOME SEIZE AND THEN PUNTS THE CAMERA AND, AS IT SOARS THROUGH THE AIR, WE SEE AWESOME BLURRY METAL AGAIN!

BUMBLEBEE

(fighting and switching between channels)

When will Bay learn that ILM isn't an acceptable replacement for proper camera handling and coherent scene editing?

JAZZ

(fighting and street-talking)

Hell, when will he learn that cartoon-ish shots of shiny car parts aren't an acceptable replacement for ANYTHING?

PRODUCER DON MURPHY

SCORES!

Suddenly, an AWESOME TORNADO OF COMPUTER GRAPHICS SWEEPS THROUGH THE WHOLE CITY AS THE CAMERA GETS STUCK ON A MERRY-GO-ROUND! AWESOME STEEL STUFF occupies the SCREEN and the AUDIENCE'S SENSES, and JAZZ suddenly finds himself in the lethal embrace of MEGATRON'S.

JAZZ

(to Michael)

Wait, if you kill me, you will be destroying one of the few emotional connections the audience have with this stupid movie! Why would you, at the expense of killing off a character whose survival through that animated movie was widely celebrated by all rabid Transformer fans, contribute almost nothing to the revival of this ridiculously whorish promotion for modern cinema atrocities?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

Oh, I'm sorry, were you saying something important? I don't pay much attention to what a black character has to say, you know. Or a robot who represents a black character, anyway.

He murders JAZZ, whose actual survival through that animated movie has obviously PISSED him. And, without further ado, the AUDIENCE is back to MOVING HUMAN DRAMA again, because BAY is HUMAN and ROBOT-HATING and is getting a blowjob from the CAMERA after reuniting with it.

JOSH DUHAMEL

(deep, commanding voice)

Strong. Army Strong. The strength to merely reverse the battle back to exactly the point when it commenced. It is a strength of character. The strength to act despite the three flying Decepticons' flying or shooting your destination. It is an emotional strength. It is a physical strength. It is a strength like none other. The strength to get yourself (and the Cube) over to the top of a building now and give it to your comrade on a helicopter later. The strength to get over yourself and your physiological limitations as a human being and outrun a thirty-feet-tall Giant Fucking Robot.

(pause)

Do you have what it takes, Soldier?

SHIA LABEOUF

Fuck yeah!

Surprisingly, he DOES and so runs off, after MEGAN mutters something AWESOME and vaguely familiar from a DISNEY CHANNEL MOVIE to him. The CAMERA rotates and the sun FLARES in their faces, presumably preventing the AUDIENCE from seeing the LEADS' nauseated expressions. Not that the AUDIENCE would notice, though. MEGATRON and PRIME FIGHT, but MEGATRON defeats PRIME easily and proceeds to chase after SHIA.

MEGATRON

Give me the Cube, boy! Because I totally don't plan to end up as the most depressing Megatron incarnation in the Transformer franchise!

SHIA LABEOUF

(looking shocked, and Joking)

It cannot be stopped! You're ALREADY the most depressing villain in this franchise!

SHIA runs into MACHINES and turns them into HOMICIDAL ROBOTS whose existence ceases immediately when the CAMERA leaves them while the AUDIENCE feels a sudden urge to buy X-BOXES, SUVS and MOUNTAIN DEW DRINKS!

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA BECAUSE DEPICTING YOUR PRODUCTS AS MURDEROUS AND LIFE-THREATENING IS AN AWESOME ADVERTISING STRATEGY!

WRITER JOHN ROGERS

I WILL SNAP THE CAMERA!

He DOES. The CAMERA spins around and round and we see that MEGAN decides to BAD-ASSLY drive through the area and breaks stuff while AWESOME BUTTROCKS whines in the background excitedly!

MEGAN FOX

Is this supposed to be exhilarating or just plain irritating?

Suddenly, a LARGE SACK OF CGI METAL THAT IS LATER INDENTIFIED AS DEVASTATOR slumps to the ground for no possible reason other than running out of BATTERY. Then the ART DEPARTMENT passes the CAMERA back to MICHAEL, who points the CAMERA at SHIA, satisfied that he has ruined enough tension. Then he throws the CAMERA vertically into the air, as SHIA goes AWESOMELY through the stairway and so does MEGATRON, who painstakingly shatters floors and has completely forgotten his ability to FLY or CLIMB externally to the rooftop twenty times more quickly.

MEGATRON

Let's make a deal; if you give it to me, I will make you my pet.

(pause)

Honest!

SHIA LABEOUF

Why are you even negotiating with me? Aren't you supposed to be intimidating or something?

MEGATRON

WAHHH! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!

He attempts to shoot SHIA and misses, demonstrating more LAMENESS. Suddenly, OPTIMUS appears to compete for the title of THE KING OF LOSERS.

OPIMUS PRIME

Megatron, my arch-nemesis from the 80's! You know that freedom is the right of all sentient beings!

(pause)

Well, except for all the Decepticons, and anyone enslaved, abused, hunted, slaughtered, or eaten by real Americans, and whoever, however minimally, threatens the American way of life!

MEGATRON

That was breathtakingly stupid.

OPTIMUS PRIME

You, terrorist! Die!

They begin the EPIC FIGHT and it might be remotely entertaining, which means BAY must pass the camera away from the END-ZONE. AGAIN.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

(playing Hopscotch)

One, two, three, five, four! Whee, I'm at SEVEN! Back shot and up!

He kicks the CAMERA BACKWARDS. JOSH attempts to shoot BLACKOUT, who is now, for some unworldly reason, strolling down the street, enjoying the sunshine, and making himself an AWESOME FREE TARGET PRACTICE.

BLACKOUT

Pffft. Your puny gun bullets are no match for my animated junk parts.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Then I will switch to something I've totally not tried before. FIRE.

He burns BLACKOUT'S SPECIAL EFFECT FILMS.

BLACKOUT

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

He DIES. And MURPHY scores a TOUCHDOWN! The CAMERA accidentally faces PRIME'S FIGHT, and we see PRIME is already losing, because showing how that happened is too SOPHISTICATED for MICHAEL.

MEGATRON

(kicking Optimus, who is immobile and lying on ground)

IT IS VERY HARD TO DIRECT AND EDIT THIS SEQUENCE!

Suddenly, SHIA injects the CUBE into MEGATRON'S CONVENIENTLY EXPOSED CHEST, and it of course AWESOMELY KILLS him.

OPTIMUS PRIME

What? Uh, I mean, yay! Megatron is dead! Well, until next time, anyway.

It's ALL OVER. Really. MICHAEL hugs the CAMERA while RATCHET approaches PRIME and hands him the broken pieces of JAZZ. The AUDIENCE stares quizzically, not recognizing any ROBOT other than AWESOME PRIME and ADORABLE BUMBLEBEE.

OPTIMUS PRIME

We have lost a great comrade.

(pause, tone lightened)

Well, a great, black comrade, and it's awesome that we have white suburban teenagers to replace him!

BUMBLEBEE

And I have inexplicably recovered my vocal ability, which is so important that it suddenly makes this scene incredibly cheerful! Hurrraahhh!

OPTIMUS PRIME

And we've learned that humans are truly awesome, because it's not like they are responsible for the deaths of countless other sentient beings, hell-bent on self-destruction and eternally screwed-up!

They proceed to protect all AWESOME human beings, all the members of which apparently constitute only SHIA and MEGAN, and their fucking each other randomly on a sentient CAR is the most AWESOME and SIGNIFICANT ending and event to ever happen!

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA WHAT A WONDERFUL MOVIE! IT HAD EXPLOSIONS AND TEENAGE HUMOR AND SPORT CARS AND COMPUTER GRAPHICS AND EVEN STUPID MINORITIES TO LAUGH AT!

They go home, give it a TEN on IMDB, and trample ANYONE who rates otherwise to DEATH.

MEGATRON (V.O.)

Ah, it used to be such that even I must caution the humans for their intelligence, and what a shame it is to see them, yesss...REDUCED TO MINDLESS ORGANIC BLOBS! Ha-ha-a! My manipulation has finally rendered Earth Defense a splendid joke, and soon, yessss, I will take the Earth as the launch point from which I will conquer Cybertron, and the Universe will be mine! Ha-hahahahaha!

END