FADE IN:
INT. PRISON
JOAQUIN PHOENIX stares at a saw, an object that obviously bears profound meaning.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. ARKANSAS
YOUNG JOAQUIN PHOENIX walks around, and HIS MEAN AND FOUL-MOUTHED FATHER hates him.
ROBERT PATRICK
I don't love my son Joaquin Phoenix, for some Goddamn mysterious reasons that won't be revealed in this movie.
YOUNG JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Well at least I have my sweet brother Lucas Till to play with.
He sings songs with LUCAS. Then LUCAS dies from a saw accident, not too surprisingly.
ROBERT PATRICK
Now I will hate you forever, Joaquin. Go away and rot in hell.
YOUNG JOAQUIN PHOENIX
How tragic! See? My childhood misfortune has justified the future me being an utter asshole!
He grows up and runs away from the countryside. Eventually, he marries rich girl GINNIFER GOODWIN for random reasons and proceeds to have kids.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I love singing religious country songs. Since I have failed to be the breadwinner in my family by pursuing a salesman career due to my sheer incompetence, I will naturally resort to singing.
He rehearses and immediately succeeds in selling his IRRITATING COUNTRY MUSIC SUNG IN HIS WACKY VOICE. Then he becomes FAMOUS within months.
AUDIENCE
Wow, that was quick and effective. They've covered the first 23 years of Johnny Cash's life - from childhood to career success - in a matter of minutes. If the movie continues at this pace I will probably be done with it in half an hour.
DIRECTOR JAMES MANGOLD
Actually, this is only this movie's beginning. Now up with the repetitive!
INT. TEXAS - SOME MUSIC HALL
JOAQUIN PHOENIX suddenly meets with REESE WITHERSPOON in a comical chance encounter.
AUDIENCE
Hold on; that's June Carter, his real-life future wife! So Johnny marries June because he has cheated on his current wife?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
(talking to GINNIFER on phone)
Honey, my concert was a huge success. You must congratulate me, otherwise you will be very sorry.
GINNIFER GOODWIN (O.S.)
Er, right, whatever. Listen, you picked a bad time to call me. Our kids are now screaming in a ridiculously high-pitched voice and that's drastically shortening my life span. Perhaps you should take some responsibility when it comes to children rearing.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I'm so frustrated! See? It is this kind of indifferent attitude towards me fulfilling my enormous ego that prompts me to cheat on my wife!
Unsatisfied with his wife, JOAQUIN PHOENIX begins to seduce REESE WITHERSPOON.
INT. SOME OTHER PLACE
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
I can't love you, Joaquin. I'm a good little legally redhead once wounded by this irresponsible man whom I loved. Now I'm afraid of giving my heart away.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Cut off the cliché! I've heard this sentence for so many times that I know NO ONE can take it THAT seriously.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Actually you are right. But I will still reject you, in order to be likable.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX, REESE WITHERSPOON and a number of DRUNKARD COUNTRY MUSIC ARTISTS travel around the country to give concerts and make money. This makes JOAQUIN really want to cheat on GINNIFER.
INT. SOME OTHER PLACE
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Let's have sex.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
No. I'm afraid of love and plus you do have a wife.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Then let's kiss.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Sure.
They DO. But JOAQUIN is greedy and wants more. When REESE declines, he becomes wistful and annoyed.
INT. CALIFORNIA
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I've moved my house to California, like every prestigious artist has. That means my wife should worship me and I am justified in forcing her to listen to me bitching about my wild sex life.
GINNIFER GOODWIN
Shut up. As your faithful wife, I don't want to hear about other women's attempts to lure you into sex.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
How infuriating and despicable! And this is why I must cheat on her!
INT. SOME OTHER PLACE IN THE U.S.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Let's have sex.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
No.
(pause)
Okay. I have suddenly changed my mind for no good reason.
They wake up together in REESE' hotel room and tease each other in a tedious and annoyingly childish fashion for at least 20 minutes. This is meant to be ROMANTIC.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
(giggling like a moron)
Joaquin, you naughty dog, you. Your wife will be really angry.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
(smirking like an asshole)
She won't know a thing. Unless I tell her, that is.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
(giggling like a moron)
Then what about the drug? Are you going to tell her that as well?
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
(smirking like an asshole)
No; but I will tell the FBI.
INT. SOME BORDER BETWEEN TWO STATES
THE FBI
You are under arrest, Mr. Phoenix, for illegally carrying drugs from a state to another state.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
But I'm Joaquin Phoenix. You should worship me.
THE FBI
Whatever.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX goes to jail. But too soon he's bailed out. His singing career partially ruined, he retreats and goes home.
INT. CALIFORNIA
GINNIFER GOODWIN
For months you haven't given me a single phone call. Now you come home only because you've been arrested.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
How dare you complain?! I will now tell you everything that you don't want to know: I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU! HA HA HA!
GINNIFER GOODWIN
Stop saying that!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I'm fuckin' saying it! And I'm fuckin' gonna tell everybody that I've been fuckin' cheating on you! Then I'll fuckin' hang Reese Witherspoon's pictures all over the place nosily at 6:30 on Monday morning! Then I will fuckin' physically abuse you right in front of my kids -
GINNIFER GOODWIN
That's enough. I'm leaving and I'll take the kids.
AUDIENCE
Damn right you should've done that earlier.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
(heartbroken and pathetic)
Oh no! What a heartbreaking surprise! You audience REALLY should sympathize me!
Astonished and dispirited, JOAQUIN decides to rot in hell, like what his father has told him to do. Luckily, our good ol' REESE WITHERSPOON arrives to save the day.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
(heartbroken and pathetic, sobbing)
I just realize that I'm a desperately unlikable asshole, Reese.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Nah, you are just a big pussy. And that's curable. I will help you.
She DOES. Within 10 seconds JOAQUIN becomes FAMOUS and WELL-LOVED again.
CUT BACK TO PRESENT:
INT. PRISON
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
No, I haven't married Reese Witherspoon. Yet.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX sings for veteran prisoners and displays empathy towards them, because he himself had been a prisoner for less than three days.
END
INT. JOAQUIN PHOENIX' TOUR BUS
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Marry me.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
No.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Oh c'mon baby...
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Rot in hell.
END
INT. SOME CONCERT HALL - ON STAGE
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Marry me.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
No.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Why not?
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
I'm just your friend. And I don't want to trap myself under your big fat shadow.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Don't you see that you are already under my big fat shadow? Since the time you began to help me you've been sinking yourself into my career and now that you have sunk so deep, without my presence your soundtracks won't sell.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Shit. Then let's get married.
END
EXT. CALIFORNIA
JOAQUIN PHOENIX behaves like a good father and even teaches ROBERT PATRICK how to be a good grandfather. This is MEANINGFUL because JOAQUIN was an ASSHOLE and now, after he has married REESE, he suddenly ISN'T.
END
OFFENSIVE TEXT EPILOGUE WITH CHEESY COUNTRY MUSIC
So JOAQUIN and REESE go on and live happily ever after, except for the time when he also cheats on REESE in the future. Despite that, in light of JOAQUIN and REESE' MOVING LOVE STORY, every man who has seen this movie should therefore learn to WALK THE LINE (i.e. to divorce his current wife and marry his secret TRUELOVE).
END