Sports Night Quotes



"Hello, my name is Dana Whitaker. I'm the Executive Producer of 'Sports Night' and I'm interupting this broadcast to tell you...that Casey took gymnastics after school for 7 years. How's he lookin to you now girls?" - Dana

"It's against the law to be vaguely gay?" - Dan

Casey: Do you know what a bomb looks like?
Jeremy: Actually, I don't.
Casey: Does anyone? Chris?
Chris: No.
Casey: Will?
Will: No.
Casey: Dave?
Dave: No.
Casey: But we're bettin' a *German Shepherd* can pick one out.

Casey: Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?
Dana: In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.
Casey: ...All right

Jeremy: Fire me.
Isaac: What?
Jeremy: You heard me, I want you to fire me.
Isaac: I'm not going to fire you.
Jeremy: I'm a terrible worker, I'm the last to arrive and the first to leave.
Isaac: You're the first to arrive and the last to leave.
Jeremy: And don't you think that's a little strange?
Isaac: Yes.
Jeremy: I'm a racist.
Isaac: Jeremy...
Jeremy: I am, I'm a terrible racist. I think all those people with the funny accents and weird skin color should go back to wherever they came from and leave this country to the people who rightfully stole it from the Indians... which they deserved.
Isaac: Jeremy...
Jeremy: I'm serious, this country is being ruined by the blacks and the Jews.
Isaac: You're Jewish.
Jeremy: And I have to be stopped!

"We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie." - Dan

Casey: It's a vicious circle.
Dan: Yep. Just keeps going around and around.
Casey: Never stops.
Dan: That's what makes it vicious.
Casey: And a circle.

[reflecting upon the wording used on a formal invitation]
Casey: "October the Eighth, Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Eight, A.D." A.D.They're worried I might accidentally show up 2,000 years before the birth of Christ!

"You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you're saying. It's just something I do to be polite." - Sam

Natalie: On page 66, halfway down in the NFL injury report, it says "Collins is expected to miss practice this week, the result of a bulging disk."
Dan: Yeah?
Natalie: There's a typo on the TelePrompter. They left out the 's.'
Casey: Collins is expected to be sidelined a week to 10 days with a bulging di--Uh Oh!
Dan: Whoa! That's a big 10-4.
Casey: My next line in the script was "Let's go the videotape."
Natalie: We might have gotten some phone calls.

"Here's the thing. If Dana gets like half a margarita into her, there's a better than even chance that she'll get up on a table and start dancing to "My Boogie Shoes." - Dan

Casey: Oh, Dana, believe me, i have no desire to see you naked!
Dana: Excuse me?
Casey: Wait, that came out wrong.
Dana: Make it come out right.
Casey: Of course I wanna see you naked.
Dana: Louder.
Casey: I wanna see you naked.
Dana: I can't hear you!
Casey: I WANT BADLY TO SEE YOU NAKED!
Dana: YEAH, YOU BETTER WANNA SEE ME NAKED!

Casey: Can we be men for a second?
Dan: Okay, but just a second.

Dana: Ah, you're pretty strong in baseball and hockey, are ya?
Jeremy: Not as strong as football, but-
Dana: Great. Let's talk about the Knicks.
Jeremy: I walked right into that one, didn't I?
Dana: Well, I left the door wide open for you.

Casey: Usually we get thirty to forty seconds for each game. A little more if it's chock-full of spectacular plays and/or playoff consequences, a little less if it goes the other way, but thirty to forty seconds is usually the rule of thumb.
Jeremy: I see, And how long did mine run?
Casey: Eight and a half minutes.
Jeremy: Ah.
Casey: Yeah.
Jeremy: That's long.
Casey: Yeah, it ran a little over, yeah.

Dana: You got a whisk?
Casey: A whisk?
Dana: Yes.
Casey: That's the thing you, uh . . .
Dana: For scrambled eggs. You stir it really fast in a bowl.
Casey: I can't just use the fork?
Dana: Truthfully, yes.

Casey: There is a perception in the press, never more clear than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now where do you suppose that perception comes from?
Dana: I think it comes from reality.

Isaac: Someone holds the copyright to 'Happy Birthday?'
Dan: The representatives of Patty and Mildred Hill.
Isaac: It took two people to write that song?


Casey: Hey, tell her I have a broken ankle.
Dan: He says he has a broken ankle.
Casey: Now tell her it hurts.
Dan: He says it hurts.
Casey: Yeah. Now make this part sound dignified and heroic.
Dan: 'Cause he kicked a fire hydrant on his way back from lunch.
Casey: Could you stop talking about it now?
Dan: He had just found out you were going to Vermont this weekend with Gordon.
Casey: That is not why! That is not why! Shh!!
Dan: Yeah, he's walking pretty good now.

Dana: Okay Dan, here's the thing. You're gonna be fifteen seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers game. I have two options for you. Option one is that the attendance at the game, 11,323, turns out to be exactly the same population of . . .
Jeremy: Hoisington, Kansas.
Dana: Hoisingtion, Kansas.
Dan: And option two?
Dana: Talk slower.

Dana: You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."
Natalie: But you also find yourself saying, "Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire."

Dan: You're gonna need to get somebody to fix my computer.
Kim: What's wrong with it?
Dan: It's in several pieces on my floor.

Dana: Casey, he and his team worked for four and a half years to build a case against Gulino. This would have been a huge blow to organized crime in Brooklyn and the whole city. They worked eighteen-hour days, they wanted this, there is no comedy here!
Casey: Sure there is.
Dana: What?
Casey: He lost!

Casey: Hey, look, we write the news, it's not like we're hurting for story ideas. What's the problem?
Dan: I can't write!
Casey: I mean, exactly what's the problem?
Dan: Exactly?
Casey: Yeah.
Dan: I can't write!

Dan: Elliot wants to know why there's a twenty-pound frozen turkey in the light grid.
Dana: It's twenty-four pounds.
Dan: I'll them him that, but then he'll probably wanna know why there's a twenty-four-pound frozen turkey in the light grid.

Dana: I've named this Thanksgiving. I'm calling it The Thanksgiving of Mom's Disapproval. Included on the two-record set are the hit songs "Why Aren't You Married?" and "Sports Is No Place For an Educated Woman" and "Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You How To Cook a Turkey?"
Jeremy: Well, on the turkey front, she may have a reasonable point.

Jeremy: 29,000 feet. You know how tall that is?
Will: It's 29,000 feet.
Jeremy: Yes.
Chris: It's actually 29,029 feet.
Dana: But it's those last ten yards that'll kill ya.
Jeremy: It's huge. It's 8,848 meters.
Natalie: It sounds more impressive at 29,000 feet.
Jeremy: All right, I'm gonna stick with 29,000 feet. How can I best express this? How many of what kind of thing would we have to line up end to end?
Elliot: 29,00 rulers.

Dan: What do you do with your money?
Natalie: What do I do with my money? Well, my portfolio is pretty much tied up in food and shelter, Dan.
Dan: I meant, your disposable income. I've got some extra money and I don't know what to do with it.
Natalie: Wow. That must really suck.

Casey: What do they die from? Hypothermia mostly?
Jeremy: Hypothermia, sometimes a fractured skull.
Casey: From what?
Jeremy: Falling very far and landing on a rock.

Sally: My stuff's out there. I talk to alot of people.
Dan: Just as long as none of them are talking back.
Sally: CNBC, MSNBC . . .
Dan: M-O-U-S-E,,,
Casey: Danny . . .
Dan: Oh, like she's listening to anybody but herself?

Dana: By the way, in the memos that are circulating, we're spelling Chattanooga about fourteen different ways. Now what do we know?
Jeremy: Two Os, three As.
Dana: That's it?
Jeremy: No, there are other letters, too.

Dan: I need to give interviews. I like to give interviews. It's the only chance I get to talk to a huge group of total strangers.
Casey: Except for the hour every night you're on television.

Isaac: A couple of things. I am not quitting and I am not getting fired, not today and probably not tomorrow. Let me add, Dana, that things I say in my office stay in my office.
Dana: Natalie's my second in command. She's the only one I told.
Natalie: Jeremy's my boyfriend. He's the only one I told.
Jeremy: I told many, many people.

Dana: I think your job stinks. You get to create your own show and make all the decisions and have a big staff and make a lot of money. That's not for me, Isaac. I like to answer to people. I don't want to create. When I get a thought in my head, I want it to die right there.

Casey: We're having some very bizarre computer problems, have you noticed that? The LC wire's getting numbers wrong.
Natalie: What do you need?
Casey: Messersmith won the Gold Medal in the pole vault with a leap of 238 feet, six inches?
Natalie: That doesn't sound right.
Casey: It lacks a ring of truth, yes.
Natalie: 238 feet, six inches in the pole vault. That'd be a record, wouldn't it?

Casey: I'm starting . . . now. What's your name?
Dana: My name's Dana, you unbelievable moron. You've known me for fifteen years. Flirt with me. Tell me why you like me better than Sally.
Casey: I do like you better than Sally.
Dana: Tell my why.
Casey: I don't understand.
Dana: I don't think your ever going to have sex again. I gotta go.

Casey: Was Sally flirting with me?
Dan: Indeed she was.
Casey: I missed the whole thing.

Dan: And I know I said it was time, but it's not time for this. It's not time to dally with Sally.
Casey: Dan.
Dan: That was an unfortunate rhyme, but still.

Natalie: I like that.
Dana: Smoky?
Natalie: Yes.
Dana: It was very complimentary.
Natalie: It was very complimentary?
Dana: Yes.
Natalie: Well how good of you to come to tea.

Dan: Our producer, Dana Whitaker, is telling me to fill for fifteen seconds, but I honestly don't have anything to say.
Dana: Dan.
Dan: She's begging me now.
Dana: Dan.
Dan: Now she seems pretty mad.
Dana: Dan.
Dan: You'd all like her a lot if you met her.
Dana: You're a funny boy, Daniel.
Dan: And that was fifteen seconds.

Dana: Wow.
Casey: Wow what?
Dana: These cars are going fast.
Casey: Yeah, thet're going as fast as they can 'cause the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check.
Dana: Like a race?
Casey: Right.

Dan: Can I spread it out for you in a nutshell?
Casey: No.
Dan: I can't?
Casey: No.
Dan: Why not?
Casey: 'Cause I'm tired of you mixing your metaphors. Spread it out for you in a nutshell? "How ya doin'? I'm a professional writer".

Dana: At this meeting after the show, are any of these people gonna get fired?
Isaac: No.
Dana: 'Cause I don't care if they do.

Dan: The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neighborhood park all covered with cheese.

Casey: "The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neghborhood park all covered with cheese". (laughs) Dana, we got all kinds of sentence construction here. I think he's gonna have to explain that it's the park that's covered with cheese and not the father.
Dan: This is an unforgiving room.
Natalie: Plus it's a little hard to figure how running through cheese helped the kid with her agility and quick first step.
Dan: Thank you everyone.

Isaac: Are you afraid the fish are gonna make fun of you?
Dana: Isaac--
Isaac: No, I mean it. Are you afraid the fish is gonna look at you and point and say, "Look at that thing with the lungs?"

Jeremy: Casey?
Casey: Yeah?
Jeremy: The feed from San Antonio?
Casey: Yeah.
Jeremy: Don't be freaked out if it's in Spanish.

Dan: "Plenty of sunshine, plenty of hay."
Casey: Uh, it's not "plenty of hay". It's "plenty of sunshine headin' my way".
Dan: That makes more sense!

Dana: Honey, I'm really sorry, but there's nothing I can do.
Gordon: Natalie can't do the show?
Natalie: I didn't prep it.
Dana: She didn't prep it.
Gordon: Yeah but, I mean, at this point, isn't it just calling out numbers from the script?
Natalie: You produce a lot of live television at the District Attorney's office?

Dan: Eleven years ago, he pitched a perfect game.
Rebecca: A perfect game.
Dan: Yes, ma'am.
Rebecca: And a perfect game is good?
Dan: Listen, I know there's a lot of jargon, but some of these are pretty self-explanatory.

Dana: People in graphics are my friends.
Natalie: That's not quite right.
Dana: I am so nice to them!
Natalie: That's one way of looking at it.
Dana: What's another way?
Natalie: That often times you express your displeasure with their work in ways that make them want to take their own lives.

Casey: Alyson, did you know that I speak four languages?
Dan: You speak three languages.
Casey: I speak four languages.
Dan: You speak French, Spanish and German.
Casey: I dabble in a little English.

Dan: Maybe he's just busy.
Natalie: Yeah.
Casey: Maybe he met another woman and he forgot all about you.
Natalie: Maybe I'll jam a number two pencil up your nose.
Casey: Maybe he's just busy.
Natalie: Maybe that's right.

Chris: This is a heads up. We're two hours in front of Baja California right now.  
Will: We're three hours in front.
Elliot: Baja California isn't on Daylight Savings Time.
Kim: Everybody in this country is on Daylight Savings Time.
Chris: Baja California isn't in this country.
Dave: California isn't in this country?
Chris: Baja California isn't in California, it's in Mexico.
Dave: Baja California is in Mexico.
Chris: It is.
Dave: What kind of a stupid-ass--
Chris: I'm just saying heads up.

Dana: What's the rule on when do you call the police?
Jeremy: Well, at my house, it was fifteen minutes after school let out.

Dana: Damn right there's an economy of language. I got the job done in two words. I think we can make another cut . . . yes! We don't need "back"! We can cut the "back"!
Jeremy: Cut the "back"?
Dana: Yes.
Jeremy: We'll have it just say "welcome"?
Dana: Yes.
Casey: Welcome.
Dana: Do you have a problem with that?
Jeremy: He'll think he just cleared customs.

Dan: We're in our underwear. There's no question about that.
Casey: Yes.
Dan: We're two grown men with important jobs who are standing in their underwear. Let's sing a song.

Dan: You think there are people in the building across the street that are looking at us in our underwear?
Casey: Yes, I do.

Dan: Who's been calling your calves shapely?
Casey: My mom.
Dan: Okay, don't talk to me for the rest of the show.

Dana: Check out this strobe from B and C. Three-head outlets, symmetrical and asymmetrical power distribution, two-synch phone jack, style outlets and built-in photo cell.
Jeremy: Do you know what it does?
Dana: I don't even know what it is.

Casey: Since when do I need your permission to have a social life?
Dana: Please lower your voice. I do not want your tawdry tales of office lust infecting my newsroom.
Kim: Casey?
Casey: Yeah?
Elliot: We'd like to hear them.

Dana: Natalie, why don't the guys have their pants again?
Natalie: Because someone forgot to share.

Dana: You're mad at me? You spend six months making me feel guilty for liking my job. then propose to me, then two days later, you tell me you slept with the woman who wants my job? I say fine. I say fine! Then six days after that, you tell me you wanna break off the engagement. Here's the thing. I think only one of us should be angry at a time, and I have a hunch it's gonna be me.

Dana: You're breaking off the engagement because I wasn't mad enough when I found out you were sleeping around? Let's do the whole thing all over again and this time I'll beat the living crap out of you.

Dana: No, it's not at the cleaners, you idiot! There's no such thing as an overnight ring cleaners. Gordon and I broke up which is just the most recent in a series of recent humiliations and I'm okay with it! I can take it, but this is really the living end. I have seen enough to know that I have seen enough! Now I want something good to happen. I want something good to happen before the day is over and I will be the judge of what's good.
Casey: Dana . . .
Dana: One good thing before the day is over, I swear that's all I want.
Isaac: Hey, lady! Are you planning on getting my show on the air anytime soon?

Casey: We're gonna take you out to San Francisco, we're gonna take you there live, and you're gonna stay for as long as it takes.

Dan: You had a stroke.
Isaac: Was that what that was?
Dan: Yes.
Isaac: I thought it was bad swordfish.

Dan: She was skankin' around town all leathered up?
Natalie: I guess.
Dan: Excellent.
Casey: Hey, you're talking about the woman whose first date with me I'm planning! That was some pretty interesting grammar.

Casey: Was there a stripper?
Dana: At the party?
Casey: Yeah.
Dana: Yes, there was.
Casey: Did he have a better body than me?
Dana: Of course he had a better body than you Casey. He was a professional male stripper.
Casey: Let me tell you something. When we're asked, men know how to answer that question.

Casey: What about Sally?
Dana: That wasn't dating.
Casey: We slept together almost every night for three months.
Dana: Thanks for reminding me.
Casey: Dana-
Dana: It wasn't dating. It was two lonely and pathetic people slinking off after her crappy little two AM show getting drunk and using each other for sex.
Casey: That's not dating?

Sam: The show seems a little stiff tonight, don't you think?
Dana: Yes, I do.
Sam: Maybe even stiffer than last night.
Dana: I believe it is.
Sam: You know why?
Natalie: 'Cause you're freaking everybody out?

Casey: Jeremy, your first week here Dan crazy-glued all your stuff to your desk.
Jeremy: Yes.
Casey: He made you look for the ignition keys to the cameras.
Jeremy: Mm-hmm.
Casey: Well, this is what men do, Jeremy.

Casey: I like the sound of that. What's it gonna do for me?
Jermy: It's gonna vote for you.
Casey: How many times? How often?
Jeremy: Two thousand times a minute, twenty-four hours a day.
Casey: You are a magnificent young man.
Jeremy: Ignition keys to the cameras? We'll see who has the last laugh.

Jeremy: Crossing that sacred territory into family members.
Natalie: I cross it with gusto.
Jeremy: Cross away, for I have no problem with this, as you are my girlfriend and she is my sister.
Natalie: Then why are you talking like Theodoric of York?

Casey: I am the president of Dana Should Get Undressed.
Dana: Thank you.
Casey: I don't think you should do it in a restaurant, but . . . what am I talking about? Go ahead. Do it in a restaurant. I'm just saying I wish you were doing it with me, instead of Guillermo from your Spanish club. I wish I didn't have to wait through this heart-stoppingly frustrating six-month waiting period before I even get to smell what perfume you'd wear on out first date. I wish it was me you were having dinner with tonight.


Sam: Hi, Dana.
Dana: And as for you, you see, you don't control my world. I happen to not be wearing any panties right now and if you had a thousand guesses, you couldn't tell me where they were.
Sam: Casey's side pocket.
Dana: Damn it.

Casey ("on the air"): We're just getting started here on "Dan and Casey's Dance Fever".

Dana: You can't get the computers back.
Jeremy: No.
Dana: Why?
Jeremy: Do you see anything that runs on electricity working right now?
Dana: No.
Jeremy: Well . . .
Dana: You really think this is the best time to get snippy with me?

Casey: Who knows with Dana? One day she's up, another day she's down. The girl's nuttier than a squirrel's cheeks in October. The point is, she's standing right behind me, right?

Dana: My brother can beat up your brother.
Natalie: My brother is a grad student in comparative literature. My mother can beat up my brother.

Natalie: I picked your name. I'm your Secret Santa.
Casey: It's not much of a secret now, is it?

Dan: Do you know how many times you'd have to kill me before I'd name a soccer player Athlete of the Century?

Jeremy (nominating for athlete of century): Secretariat.
Natalie: No.
Jeremy: Why?
Natalie: Secretariat was a horse.
Jeremy: Thank you for clearing that up.

Jeremy: Hey, if I were to suddenly pop this thing up to ten, wouldn't you go just flying out onto Fifth Avenue?
Isaac: Yeah, but if I were to have my hands around your throat while you were doing it, wouldn't you be coming out there with me?

Isaac: I won the Pulitzer Prize, Jeremy.
Jeremy: It's quite an honor, sir.
Isaac: No, I mean it's one of the many objects in the room I can grab and shove up-
Jeremy: Got it!

Dana: I don't consider what this guy does competing.
Dan: Well, what do you consider it?
Dana: I consider it shout out "Faster!" while eight preppy guys row his lazy ass down the river.

Dana: Hey, do you think there's any chance he was gay?
Natalie: Dana!
Dana: It would make a better story!
Natalie: He's on his deathbed.
Dana: Natalie, I'm about to make this man the most famous seventh-place archer in the history of sports! I think the very least he could do is die in a timely manner . . . and be gay.

Pixley: You started to call me.
Casey: Yes.
Pixley: What happened?
Casey: I stopped.
Pixley: Why?
Casey: I didn't have your phone number.

Jeremy: A forty-ninth anniversary tribute?
Dan: There's a law it's gotta come on fives and tens?

Isaac: The fight is over?!
Jeremy: The fight was seven seconds, Isaac. We're on the air for another eighty-eight minutes. I have a hunch we're gonne be able to replay it a couple of times.

Dan (on the air): We've got Chuck "The Cut Man" Kimmel in Atlantic City, and for those of you still watching at home, please give us a call and tell us why.

Casey: Michael Jordan has a second cologne?
Jeremy: It's called Jordan.
Dana: Interesting.
Casey: How do you suppose he thought up the name?

Casey: And please don't tell me that it doesn't matter what I do, that I'm his father and that he'll be impressed with me no matter what.
Dan: He's ten, Casey. He's gonna be mortified by you no matter what.

Dan: I read "Beowulf" in three hours.
Casey: How could you read "Beowulf" in three hours?
Dan: I didn't read it, really, but I saw the movie.
Casey: Uh, but there's no movie of "Beowulf".
Dan: What the hell movie did I see?

Dana: Well, your head's a perfect rectangle. Maybe that'll impress the kids.

Sally: I don't sleep my way up the ladder.
Sam: Really?
Sally: Yeah.
Sam: That's too bad.

Casey: I did what I do, Dan. I did what I do.
Dan: You screwed up your romantic life in front of fifth-graders?

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