Absentee
or
A Lot Happens When You’re Home Sick
by Jill Palmer
jill@mail.one.net
This is my first serious attempt at prose format. Hope ya like it. This has possible sequel potential. Another thing you have to understand is I was looking at some fan art when this story was inspired. Someone did a picture of the fugitive holidays from that episode which shall not be named (even though I didn’t see it). I noticed the girl looked a lot like Sandi... hence the following story.
Daria Morgendorffer sat at her desk in Mr. O’Neill’s room, head in hands, wondering why she hadn’t just stayed home. She was incredibly tired, and besides, the wind chill was 25 below. She was wondering why Ms. Li hadn’t called off school. Probably because that would bring dishonor to her stupid school.
A new girl entered the room. Daria scrutinized her. She looked like Sandi Griffin, one of her sister’s fellow Fashion Clubbers, but the resemblance was mostly in the hair. This girl’s hair was black - not even the same color. The only makeup she had on was dark red lipstick. She was wearing a black v-neck shirt, a mustard colored skirt, and combat boots.
Daria got the attention of her best friend, Jane Lane. “Hey Jane,” she said. “You see the new girl?”
“Yep,” Jane answered. “She looks like Sandi with black hair and a lack of fashion sense.”
“That’s just too, too bad,” Daria deadpanned, imitating Sandi’s deep-for-a-girl voice. “At least it’s safe to say she won’t be joining that club.”
Mr. O’Neill entered the room.
“Class, we have a new student joining us today,” he said. “Please welcome Crystal Stewart.”
Crystal stood up from the seat she had chosen, right behind Daria and Jane’s location. “Hi,” she said in a flat voice. “I’m from Hamilton.” All the while she was giving O’Neill a very dark glare. “Can I sit back down now?”
“Um, sure, Christina.” O’Neill was faltering under Crystal’s glare. It got even darker, if that was possible, at his trademark name fumbling as she sat down.
Daria and Jane were impressed. They turned around to face Crystal.
“Hey,” Jane said. “That was damn good.”
“Yeah, sure. Whatever,” Crystal said. “Who are you?”
“Jane Lane. Artist extraordinaire.” Jane stuck out her hand, and Crystal shook it.
“Daria Morgendorffer. Cynic extraordinaire,” Daria deadpanned.
Crystal raised her eyebrows. There sure were interesting people in Lawndale. At any rate, they were more interesting than the people where she’d come from…
“So,” Crystal said, “How many fashion-deficient roam these hallowed halls?”
“Mainly just us,” Daria answered. “The Fashion Mafia keeps everyone else in line.”
“Speaking of which…” Jane said, a slightly stunned look on her face. She got up, asked O’Neill for something, and came back holding a piece of paper.
“I bummed the attendance list off Mr. Marshmallow,” she explained. She scanned it for a few moments, then said, “Oh shit.”
“What’s wrong?” Daria inquired.
“Sandi’s absent.”
“Who?” It was Crystal’s turn to inquire.
“President - no, dictator is a better word - of the Fashion Mafia,” Daria explained. “She looks like you, except with brown hair and a so-called ‘fashionable’ outfit. Her voice is deep, her thoughts are not.”
“And what is so special about a fashion airhead?”
“It’s a long story. See, my sister Quinn is vice president of that little group.”
“I pity you,” Crystal said, shaking her head.
“Don’t worry,” Jane said. “Daria is Quinn’s ‘weird cousin, or whatever’ in all social situations. That was Quinn’s idea.”
“Anyway,” Daria continued, “Quinn claims that Sandi is her best friend. All they normally do is fight.”
“I still don’t see what any of this has to do with me,” Crystal said. “Will you please get to the point?”
“Since you asked so nicely,” Daria answered. “Jane, do the honors.”
“When Quinn sees you, she’ll think it’s Sandi,” Jane explained. “Since Sandi’s not here today, you look like her, and hanging with brains is a ‘fashion don’t’, it’ll give Quinn a perfect opportunity to take over the Fashion Club.”
“As if the outfit wasn’t bad enough,” Crystal commented. The bell rang, and everyone rushed out.
***
Daria approached her locker and sighed. Kevin Thompson, the world’s dumbest jock, was once again using it as talk space with his girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor. Daria got out her gym whistle, making Kevin think (OXYMORON!) it was time for football practice. Brittany followed.
“A pair of airheads if there ever was one,” Crystal commented. “It’s a wonder he’s still on the team.”
“Especially with Ms. Barch’s grade curve against men,” Jane said.
“So are there any other normal people here?”
“Jodie and Mack are probably as close as you’ll get,” Daria said. She got a textbook out of her locker and slammed it shut. “Be forewarned. Jodie will probably try to rope you into an extra-curricluar activity, and Mack… Well, Mack might as well be an oxymoron. He’s a smart jock. They’re both nice though.”
“If you’re really brave, you can try talking to Andrea,” Jane said. “She’s a goth and doesn’t talk much, but when she does she’s relatively nice.”
A familiar voice, familiar to Daria and Jane at least, sleazed “Hello, ladieees” from behind them.
Daria put her hand on her forehead and groaned. “Oh God no, not Upchuck,” she moaned.
“What?” Crystal asked.
“Don’t bother asking,” Jane told her. “You’re about to find out.”
Charles Ruttheimer III, more commonly known as Upchuck, approached the three girls.
“And what are you girls doing this fine day?” he sleazed. “I’m sure you can include Charles Ruttheimer III in your little plans!”
Crystal realized she’d gotten lucky. The sleazebag was concentrating his “efforts” on Daria and Jane. “It’s no mystery why they call him Upchuck,” she said to herself.
That ruined her luck. “Well, well, Sandi my sweet, isn’t this a bit far away from your usual crowd?”
All Crystal needed to convey her message was a swift kick in the groin. She, Daria, and Jane walked off, leaving Upchuck saying, “Feisty!” about six octaves higher than any male should talk.
“Wow,” Jane said. “Perfect 10 from the Lane jury, though I don’t know what he did to ask for that.”
“Two reasons,” Crystal replied. “One, I detest sleazebags. Two, they’re even worse when they confuse you with someone else. Especially when said someone is a total airhead.”
“Whether you like it or not, prepare to confuse others,” Daria commented. “Fashion Fiends at 3 o’clock.”
Jane got an instant camera out of her pocket.
***
Quinn Morgendorffer looked up from her friends’ conversation and saw... SANDI?! Talking to Daria and her weird friend too! And what was up with that outfit?
Stacy Rowe and Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Quinn’s friends, looked up upon noticing Quinn was no longer paying attention.
“Quinn? What are you looking at?” Stacy asked.
Quinn pointed out the fugitive Fashion Club prez. “Look” was the only word she needed to say. For 30 seconds that seemed an eternity, the seeming remains of the club were dead silent.
“Oh… my... God...” Tiffany finally broke the silence.
“What’s up with Sandi? Wearing a fashion don’t... talking to brains... let’s go over,” Quinn said.
Ten feet over, Daria noticed they’d been spotted. “HIII, SIS!” she called, causing Quinn to turn red.
“Fashion Fiends,” Crystal observed. “Fill me in.”
“The redhead is Quinn,” Jane said. “She’s the one that’s Daria’s sister, which should be obvious by the blushing. The one with pigtails is Stacy, and the other is Tiffany.”
“Gotcha.”
“Sandi! What on earth are you doing this for?” Quinn said.
“Maybe I’m just looking for a change, Quinn,” Crystal said.
“This outfit... hanging out with brains... and what did you do with your hair? If you’ll check the latest issue of Waif, you’ll see dying your hair black is out this month.” Satcy and Tiffany nodded in agreement.
There was a tap on Crystal’s shoulder. Jane whispered something in Crystal’s ear. Crystal grinned, and turned back around.
“Well, if you’re so smart, maybe you should be president of the Fashion Club,” she said. “I mean it. Bug off.” All the while, pictures were practically flowing out of Jane’s instant camera.
Quinn just stood there, the shocked look on her face slowly turning into a smile. She finally turned to leave, Stacy and Tiffany firmly in tow.
“Damn, Sandi’s in for a big shock when she gets back,” Daria said. As she talked, she pulled a pocket tape recorder out of her jacket pocket and smirked.
“Bummed it off of Mom,” she explained. “She had an extra one around, and I figured I could embarrass Quinn with it.”
“Never thought you’d help her though, now did you?” Jane asked.
***
Quinn walked into her room and noticed a package on her bed. A note with it read:
This is in case Sandi forgets she gave you the club. Jane took the pictures. We’ll both deny we ever did this. Daria.
Inside the package were a bunch of Polaroid instant pictures, and one of her mother’s pocket recorders. Quinn smirked, and wrote a note for Daria simply saying:
Thanks.
***
Sandi Griffin sat on her bed, trying to figure out what was up at school. She hadn’t been able to find the Fashion Club all morning. She finally did at lunch, but they got up and moved to a different table. Stacy and Tiffany seemed to be following Quinn.
She finally did get to talk with Quinn. Reportedly, she was no longer even in the Fashion Club. Quinn even had pictures and a recording to prove it. The weird thing was, Sandi hadn’t even been in school that day. It couldn’t have been her in those pictures.
There was no use trying to prove that to Quinn, though. Sandi was slow to admit it to herself, and she would never admit it at school, but she was glad to have that responsibility off her back. Quinn would probably come crawling back to her by Halloween.
END
ENDNOTES
- The day I started writing this, the wind chill really was 25 below where I live. I don’t know why they didn’t call off school any more than Daria did.
- If you want to look at the picture I mentioned at the beginning, go to Outpost Daria. I think it’s on Liliane Grenier’s (sp?) page o’ artwork.
- As of right now, the picture is the only connection between this story(line?) and that episode which shall not be named, but we’ll see...
- The school I go to gives all the teachers an attendance list in the morning. I’m assuming that LHS does the same.
- “her voice is deep, her thoughts are not” - Outpost Daria again. It’s on the Fashion Club character page. I’m sure if you look hard enough you can find it.
- “perfect 10 from the Lane jury” - that is from “A Meeting of the Brains” by Canadibrit. Look for it right after Lynn scares the crap out of Upchuck.
- Jane’s Polaroid has been mentioned on several occasions. For the sake of the story I’m assuming it’s an instant camera.
- Likewise, Helen’s pocket tape recorders have been mentioned several times. She paces in whatever room she happens to be in and records notes to herself. I read one story where she threw one at Jake. (I believe she said something along the lines of “save me the trouble of repeating everything for you”.)
- In case you couldn’t tell, Crystal is supposed to be absent the day Sandi gets back.
