Today is an exciting and sad day. I decided that I am going to abandon my angelfire account, www.angelfire.com/pro2/frankly . I've had it for about 5 years, but it's too hard to maintain and I don't have the time. It's not the end though! I decided to switch over to an account with google and will be easier to keep up, easier to read and see, and hopefully better overall. My new site is: http://theopencloset-dailythoughts.blogspot.com . I forgot the html to make a hyperlink, so you can just copy and paste. I think it will be a good change and I'm going to try to open it up to more people by making it more public (facebook? haha). Anyway, hope you guys like it and thanks for checking up on me :)
September 27
Everyone's always ragging on Bush for everything, and most of it is justified. Sometimes I wonder, though, if the more personal attacks on him are as justified as the political ones. Sometimes I think, hypothetically, what if he really did believe that it was in the country's best interest to send a bunch of troops to Iraq? What if he was in one of those situations that he felt like he had to go with his gut feeling and had reason to believe that it would actually turn out well? Sometimes I feel just as guilty as he (potentially) feels for going with my gut and doing what I think is right, then having everything go horribly wrong. But then people demand for him to publicly admit that the action was wrong and to put everything back to the way it was. I think bad decisions aren't that easy to fix. It might have been wrong, but the damage is done and now we have to make the best of the situation and not make any more mistakes to dig ourselves into a deeper hole. I'm not defending Bush, I'm just saying that if we try to be empathetic about the potential internal conflict he's dealing with, we might realize that he's doing the same thing now that we would do if we were in that position. How do you amend a mistake that you are stuck with for the long-term? Is there really an easy fix to make it all better now, or is it just another brick to put in our bag of burden that we're just going to have to deal with until we find a way to use it to build a stronger foundation. i wish I knew the answer to that question.
September 26
You're sitting waiting at a bus stop and someone comes up to you and asks 'Does this bus go to so-and-so', you say 'yeah, it does' etc. They say thank you then they go to the back of the line. So the bus finally pulls up, you get in, and the only seat still open is the one next to you. So, of course, the person who came up to you and asked their question ends up sitting there. How awkward, right? Do you say hi? Do you try to initiate a conversation? Or do you just pretend like you didn't even notice them and you've never seen them before? I'm leaning toward acting like you've never seen them before. Why should you need to initiate a conversation just because you interacted before? Once was enough I think. Wearing an ipod helps because then you have a warrant to just sit there and ignore everything around you (even if they try to talk to you). People just shouldnt talk to you on a bus ;)
September 23
As I sit in my dark room, on my bed, leaning against the corner with the support of four pillows, with ear-buds in my ears listening to classical music to drown out the distant party sounds outside, I came to a conclusion: I am not going to die from the current situation...I'm just going to go insane, and here's why:
I'm taking the MCAT in spring, it is decided. I've been studying for the last month and I'm going to have to find time between working (potentially), studying for classes, joining at least one new pre-med club (potentially), and volunteering, to continue studying for (for once not an exaggeration) possibly the single most important test of my career. Good thing it only covers every subject I've been taking over the course of the last two years, plus logic (aka, SAT?), and an essay.
I have the single best and worst roommates...From one, I can have somewhat intelligent and intriguing conversations while forcing myself to ignore the fact that he is the biggest slob, the laziest person, and the most irresponsible person I currently know. He is ignorant about his inconsiderations and his often very inappropriate behavior and certain hygiene habits. From the other, I get one of few people I know that has the exact same expectations in roommates as I do, but who also complains endlessly about the other and puts me in the most awkward position by making me play both sides of the field in the roommate battle and who seemingly (key word?) puts aside the fact that the only reason why everyone is together is because of me. She expects me to just listen to the complaints, while I know that she knows me well enough to know I can't just sit and watch her be unhappy if fixing the problem is in my control. So where does all this leave me? With two great, but completely opposite, people who can't seem to be able to coexist in the same school, much less the same household, and who I try to make happy knowing that putting everyone together was 150% my fault alone. I empathize with everyone! I see both sides. What the hell am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to crack down and agree with in the end and who am I supposed to abandon for the other team? To be honest, I would love nothing more than to just get up and move away and live in a closet alone and never talk to either again...at least until college is over.
I can't get over the hump of mediocrity. My GPA: 3.58=average. Actually, I've worked so hard at convincing everyone else that this is really good that I actually started to convince myself. In the words of my previous, deliriously ignorant, roommates: 'It is what it is.' I can't help but speculate that my spending habits are a manifestation of this idea. Maybe it's too much thought, but that's what introspection does. How does working endlessly help anyone in this world but eventually (and only possibly) myself? Mediocrity. Sometimes I feel like, no matter what group or people I'm with, I try so hard to just fit in because it just never seems to click. Mediocrity. I fight everything everyone else does and criticize because (clearly) I know what's best for everyone and people couldn't possibly have it right when I seem to know better. Mediocrity. I can never get past the fact I didn't get into a better school that so many other people got into, yet not even excel at the school I'm at. Mediocrity. My major concerns over the last two weeks are what phone I should/should not get, where I can find a pillow like the one I have at home, whether or not to spend money I dont have to buy electronics I don't need. Mediocrity. I'm sitting in my room, with only my computer creating a life-like glow in my room, at 12:22am on my second to last day of summer writing about problems I've only brought on myself and all I want to do is crawl in a corner and pretend I'm not where I am. Mediocrity. I will say that there are a handful of things that are above mediocre, but it is just a handful....not enough to tip the scale.
So these are the reasons that I am going to go crazy. Unfortunately I can't justify actually complaining to someone directly because how is that fair? Everyone has their own problems and the guilt of making someone else bear my frustration with me would only exacerbate the problem. Fortunately I know that if one were to read this, then it would be forewarned and they could stop at any time. If only I could go back maybe 6 years and do things differently...I would be in a very, very different place. It's nice to think about...
August 8
My dad just bought a new flat-panel, hdtv that looks so incredibly clear. Given not every channel is in hd, but at some point they will be so it's nice to have a little taste of what it will be like some day in the next couple of years. It's amazing how paying just maybe 400 dollars more can buy you such a great tv. Too bad life isn't so simple that you can pay a thousand bucks and everything becomes clear-as-day. How great would it be though? You could just go out to the 'life store' and find out what decisions you should make, what you're supposed to do, etc. mmmm
August 4
Once upon a time there lived a turtle. He lived in a perfect little forrest, far from anything dangerous and was never left in need of anything. He lived with his family and would go out every day to play with his friend, the rabbit. Every now and then the turtle and the rabbit would argue, but it was nothing that kept them from their friendship. Then one day, the turtle saw what the rabbit did when he was not playing and started to think that maybe the rabbit was not who he thought he was. Was it anything to ruin a friendship over? Absolutely not! So they continued to play, day after day, week after week. As time went on though, the turtle found it increasingly difficult to live in ignorance of the rabbit's alter-ego. Before he could say anything, the turtle told him one sunny afternoon that he was leaving for a different forrest, several days away. This news came as a surprise to everyone, especially the turtle. Moving to a different forrest was always somewhat frowned upon, as it was taken as betrayal of their home and their family. However, no one said anything, the turtle wished him good luck, and the rabbit was off. Between the time the rabbit announced his plans to leave and his departure, the turtle faced an extremely tough decision: do I tell the turtle that he shouldn't leave? Is it actually for the best that he goes? Are my thoughts and moral values of staying in my forrest completely wrong altogether? These are the questions the turtle asked himself day in and day out until it was too late. In the end, he did not say anything, his best friend, the rabbit, left never to be seen again. The turtle was left to ponder...did the rabbit make the right decision to go? Was he happy now? Should he have been convinced to stay? For the rest of his life he wondered and tried to take what he learned from the rabbit to figure out his own life and his own values.
July 31
I bought a sandwich today from subway. It wasn't just any sandwich though, it was a Ceaser Chicken, 5 dollar footlong sandwich. It had full chicken breasts on there so you know the meat wasn't processed. I ate half the sandwich and, like always, I used my willpower to convince myself I didn't need to eat the second half because I wasn't hungry anymore after the first. The problem was that I was at school so I couldn't put it in the refrigerator, so keeping it in my backpack was the way it had to be. I planned on eating it when I got back tonight. When I finally got home I took my books out, got my sandwich, opening up the paper, and of course, it was mushy, ugly, and flat. I tried to salvage it the best I could but the best I could do was to toast the outside so at least that was dry, but really I ended up just eating the pieces that had just bread and chicken breast. Why is it that you can't save a sandwich? You can save all of the pieces of a sandwich separately, but when you try to save them assembled it is pure chaos. The best things in life don't last, and I get the feeling that there's divine intervention keeping it that way. Why can't we just stay on vacation forever? Why can't we keep our amazing job? Why can't we always just live in care-free existance with our friends? Maybe it's like the sandwich. Maybe if we stay on vacation for too long we will start to get bored or we'll start to become worse people. Maybe if we keep our jobs and live in bliss we will become jaded and lose the sense of excitement about an uncertain future. I've got to tell you though, I would've really liked for that sandwich to be as good as when I first bought it :P
July 29 (temporary format as previous exploded)
So it's been a while, but that's okay ;) I was talking today and I realized something somewhat profound about life: you can have pretty much everything you want, and certainly everything you need, and still not be completely content. How can this be? Content seems to be defined as a state of peaceful being. Okay, so what other factor is there? The presence of something you want to be without. This 'something' implies an object or a physical thing, but in reality the most troubling 'somethings' are the once you can't physically remove. It's not as simple as throwing them away or moving it far from where you are. For me, these 'somethings' are pressure, jealousy, frustration, perfectionism, criticism, and memories. Each one of these six things can easily be removed and avoided...for a time. The problem is that they return, and after a while you get tired of removing and tired of avoiding. So where does that leave one? It leaves one in a desert; a no-man's-land trying to seek a solution when there seems to be none. It's a tricky place to be and there seems to be a brick wall perimeter making sure you can't get away. Mirages last for a while, until you get to the middle of them and discover they aren't real. So this is where I am, in an ominous place of no walls, no floor, no door, no ceiling. Only time will well if it's possible to find happiness and the mystical 'contentment' here. Maybe if we try hard enough, we can make the mirages real instead of hollow and lifeless.
