This is a whole bunch of stuff that makes you and others around you aware of how life sucks.
every cloud has a silver lining
you wish! it's much more likely that every cloud has a lead lining and all our lakes and resivoirs are filled with poisonous water
count your blessings
yeah, as if! its not like you have any blessings. count your problems instead.
the theory of relativity
if Einstein was right and everything is relative, then it's all your parents fault. blame them as often as you can.
the child within
get in touch with the child within you. not the child that sees the world with eyes of wonder, but the child that sulks, whines, and constantly demands attention. introduce this child to those around you.
if at first you dont succeed
it must be someone elses fault. find them. blame them. make them pay.
the golden rule
remember that there is no point in talking about someone behing their back unless they get to hear about it.
laughter is the best medicing
not. the only time you should ever consider laughing is if its at someone elses expense.
pets
research shows that people with pets live longer. never get a pet. encourage your neighbors pets to run away.
its good to talk
at dinner parties, try to bring the conversation around to sex, religion, or politics. preferably all 3.
just 99
when youre on an airplane or somewhere with alot of people that will be with you for a long time, begin to sing 99 bottles of beer on the wall and stop when you get to 2.
roll with the punches
if someone is telling a long joke and you know the punchline, wait until their almost done and tell them you've heard it before
in a way you're saving them time
when you're leaving the movie theatre, and theres a line outside, loudly discuss the ending with a friend.
can do
hide your can opener. when at friends houses, hide theirs
diet hard
eat less fresh fruit. eat more things containing preservatives. preservatives are called preservatives because they help you live longer. this gives you more time to make others lives miserable.
there is use crying
always buy milk in cartons you find hard to open.
schedules
make them whenever possible. include an unrealistic number of tasks. agonize over why you're always falling behind.
impulse drive
never resisit an impulse purchase. research has shown that impulse purchases are the ones most likely to cause regret the moment you get home. They're also the ones most likely to encourage marital disharmony.
cultivate PST
post shopping stress can be easily cultivated. for instance, after you've bought an expensive item, call all the stores to discover that you could have bought it considerably cheaper somewhere else.
turnip
one day a week, eat only turnips.
