Another fallen devil and her advocates

We all have had our lost loves, our hard times, our mistakes. I created this site after falling for one.

It began in October 2000. On halloween night to be exact. That night i went to my friends house to see his band perform. His name was James (and I curse it to this day). He was rhythm guitarist, and he was good. I remember his strong arms moving up and down the neck of the guitar, playing as if he was born attached to his instrument. It was then that I began my decent into hell.

Over the next few months James and I began to become close friends, all the while I fostered a secret and growing love for him. We flirted, even though he had a girlfriend. We were just "playing." He became mad at me, due to my utter disrespect for her. The truth is, I didn't hate her. Not then anyway. I was hopelessly jealous. Fearing I would lose him, I made and effort to become friends with her. It worked, for awhile we were closer than ever.

Disaster was bound to happen. I simply loved him too much. Yes, I loved him. It was on a Tuesday, January 2, 2001, with after-New-Years hangovers, that it happened. During one of our "flirting games" we got out of hand. As much as we deny it now, we both wanted it. For a few crystal moments, we found each other. When it was over, the enormity of what we had done began to set in. It was sheer horror. I cried with him that night, I just wanted it all back, the innocence of our lost friendship. But it was too late, I had already fallen in love with him.

He called her that night and told her, even though I swore I'd take it to the grave. I was completely unprepared for the day after. She had broke up with him. After more than two years, they finally broke up. I felt horrible, but deep inside I dared to dream...
I tried to comfort him, despite my own feelings of wothlessness. My love, my desperation to have him increased, while I competed with her to have him. One day, after he found the note, he told me he hated me. That night I tried to end it all, without him, I thought, there was no purpose. I survived and we made up. He told me he, too, had feelings for me. My heart stoped and I struggled to keep breathing.

I don't know why, but he decided to "test" me, and played a mind game on me. In that weakened love lorn state, I was in no condition to handle that. I guess I lost. Two days later he was going out with her. I was crushed.

I did some drugs, but I couldn't escape him even then. He haunted my every moment. I went through pounds of medication, months of therapy. I simply couldn't shake him. So easily he forgot about me. He was completely enveloped in her. I cried for so long the tears lost all meaning. I don't think I could cry anymore if I wanted to.

When I began to try to make friends, I realized it was going to be a hard, slow process. From Febuary till May, all I wanted to do is prove that he could trust me. I wanted to have what we had before. He would show suck kindness to me, then such a bitter hatred towards me I thought it was all just a bad dream.

On may 23, 2001, it all fell apart for the last time. He told me you were upset at me, though you wouldn't say why. I begged for him to at least speak to me, but to no avail. I became enraged ... and I lashed out at the two of them. I have no regrets. I sent her a detailed e mail about what I think about her, and about what really happened that night, Because he lied to her for all he was worth.