My First Time

August, 2000
At this point in my life I'm so confused. I'll be going back to college the first week of Setember, and I'm dreading it. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I'm so scared. I've also been with a boyfriend for 11 months now, who, no matter how good I am to him, treats me horribly. But, rather than dump him, I continue to try harder, because there must be something wrong with me. I know there is.

It's late at night, and I'm eating a piece of carrot cake. I love carrot cake... moist, sweet, delicious. After I finish, I realize how tight my pants are. I look in a mirror and see how huge I truly am. I cry. I hate carrot cake.

I never thought it would come to this. I have no laxatives in the house after vowing to never use them again after a scare I had last Christmas.

I HAVE to get RID of this!

I have to throw up. How hard could it be? It'll just be this once. Then I'll stop eating again and be skinny. I'm nervous. I know this is bad, but I'm so desperate. I put my fingers in my mouth. Nothing happens at first, but then the pain, and the tears, and the cake. I hate myself. Although, I am pleased in a sick way. I'll be able to sleep now.

I won't do this ever again.

But I did. Many times. It got worse and worse. This wasn't a one-time deal, it's a lifetime membership.
 
 

I was really upset all day. I saw it coming during the afternoon, but I thought I could make it through the day without throwing up. But, I proved myself wrong, later that evening. I didn't want to relapse. I tried to talk myself out of it, but it had to be done. I couldn't stop myself. But this time was much different than the rest. After it was over I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling so sick. I was dizzy, my stomach hurt, and I had mucus coating the inside of my throat. I even had a small scab on the corner of my mouth and 2 sores inside my mouth. I couldn't understand it. It wasn't like I'd thrown up the day before that or even in awhile, for that matter. But this time my body clearly was not adjusting as well as it used to. I was so sick and tired throughout the day. I almost fell down dizzy. This was when I knew that I couldn't afford to let it happen ever again.

Please don't let yourself come to that point.

My boyfriend was really upset with me. I'd promised to tell him if I ever did it again, and I just can't lie to such a sweet caring person. I don;t think he really understands why I have an urge to do something like that. Then again, why would anyone understand it? I think it scares him. If not, I know it scares me. He believes that it stems from my parents. My mom says some hurtful things to me sometimes. My father is an asshole. That doesn't give me the best feelings about myself, but it doesn't make me want to ralph up lunch. I could have been having great days and thrown up. I do it after I eat (think I eat) too much and have the sudden realization that in 24 hours my thighs will have ballooned to enormous proporitions..... moreso.

So, what I have to do is realize that I have the same body as my brother (with a few MAJOR exeptions), a little more body fat (I'll never have well-defined muscles) and with extremely sturdy leg bones. Basically, I'm make for pulling sleighs in the artic. I just have to live with that. Even when I was almost dead, I still wasn't happy with my body. So, I just gotta be happy with me. That and stop believing that a doughnut will imidiately attach itself to my stomach and multiply....