Okay, this stupid program just ate my webpage. Aargh! I hate starting over. Oh well. I guess I have to now.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, my latest obsession. It's not Jeff. Despite the amount of complaining I've been doing about him, but I'll get to that. No, my obsession, which is more like a compulsion, is putting lotion on my hand where my mole used to be. Per doctor's orders, I'm rubbing vitamin E lotion into it. I've started doing it all the time, which may actually begin to make Jimmy crazy, but that's his own problem. If he watches, he watches. I can't cover his eyes. It seems to be healing well, except the lines from the stitches, and it doesn't look like I'll have much of a scar. I'm not sure if I'm really aware the mole is gone. It's still healing so it's quite pink and foreign looking still just from the surgery. Once the pealing skin and the pink go away, then we'll see what it looks like without the mole. Then I might really start to feel weird about the whole thing.
As for Jeff, I have been making it clear that I don't like sitting around him at meals. And he always seems to sit near me. I don't know. I try to have conversations with people and he talks over them. Plus, he always talks politics, which in my little world is impolite dinner conversation because argument is bad for digestion. But whatever.
The worst part was that I decided to try to explain to Chris, without going into the how and why of the "half-indian" conversation. Though somehow there came about the implication that Jeff had made a move on me. He did, in a way. He touched my leg. That's a move if I ever saw one. And without going into the "Jeff's a VIRGIN" line of thought. Jeff is an innocent and I refuse to get involved with anyone who's heart is so easily crushed. I'd feel responsible. And I hate the idea of intimidating someone I'm supposed to be having a relationship with. Look at what happened with John that time. He was definitely intimidated by me. Plus, Jeff takes himself too seriously and has a problem with the idea of his insecurity with his own identity. He's going through the "finding myself" phase and it's that lovely part where you blame people for not seeing the person you think you're putting forward. Sigh. I don't think my identity is completely settled, but I have a pretty good idea of who and what I am. I am me. It's good enough for me (C is for cookie, that's good enough for me).
I found this song on Napster - Mom has the single on a 45. I used to listen to it all the time when I was a kid. I thought it was great. Melanie "Brand New Key". It's not very common. Yay Mom! And it's such a great unrequited love song. And I'm not even in love with anyone, requited, unrequited or otherwise. And it's fine by me.
© lily keller 2001
back current next