I have no idea what's been wrong with me lately. It's been pointed out to me - I have NOT been myself all week. I figure I can blame it on this whole Jeff thing. So, for my own health and sanity, I'm just going to go cold turkey. Pretend nothing ever happened (because it's not like much did anyway.) I spent last night pretty upset with myself because I've been saying how I wanted to stay the good version of me I'd been. The moment a guy popped up, I went bad. So I'm just forgetting about it. I don't care enough about having a boyfriend to let that happen to me again. Apparently, I have to find someone I'm comfortable enough to just be myself around. Jeff is not it.
All this, and my horoscope has been telling me I should be finding love:
January 17, 2001 A fairy tale feels perfectly normal when you're in it. Maybe this is really a privileged glimpse of the world in its usual state. Sit up and listen when love speaks -- you've heard that voice before.
January 18, 2001 For the rest of the week, you have the pleasure of hands-on learning. The Scorpio Moon gives you license to fully explore your longtime object of desire. Clear the deck for some serious playing.
Of course, I have no idea what any of this is supposed to mean. I don't think I heard love speak yesterday. But I was so wrapped up in being the stupid attention-mongrel version of me that I wouldn't have noticed anyway.
So, today, I'm going to really try to do some more research - Marshall McLuhan calls, afterall. And go to class. And ignore all this insanity that has been Saturday through Wednesday. Just remember to stop myself before I get there again.
© lily keller 2001
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