March 24, 2001

I go through these phases of listening to songs that have nothing to do with what I'm currently feeling. Sometimes I do listen to break-up songs when I'm breaking up with someone, but this time I'm listening to a break-up song and I haven't broken up with anyone. I haven't even been dating anyone! I've been listening to Mary Lou Lord's I don't want to get over you aka The Prozac song. Yeah, I don't have anyone to get over. I remember that song was the catalyst for realizing I didn't have to get over David, which meant that I was over him. It seems weird, but it's true. My friends think that because I still occasionally mention him that I must not be over him, but it's more like I've come to grips with the fact that he's probably always going to be in my life in some ways. I could move to the other side of the continent and I still think he'd manage to be in my life somehow. When I think about telling him to go away it just causes this weird anguish. David and I are connected in some way I don't understand. I'm never going to be in love with him again. I'm not that person anymore.

All of this has to do with Phil I think. He and I have been emailing a lot. Thursday night he emailed my twice, both of them really long. I don't think either of us believes something is going on between us through these emails. But. But... I don't even know what the "but" is. I think it's that people who remember him are like, "He's really cute and nice." And Luce has read the emails and she's like, "Can I have him if you don't want him?" Because the emails are so sweet and funny. It's just a nostalgia trip for him in some ways. We both feel really detached from first year. I feel detached because everyone I was friends with is gone, and even the people who made my life difficult are gone - my roommates, David, and the whole deal. Phil is really the only person I'm still friends with. Dan and I haven't been the same since last year when he was hitting on me after I broke up with John. I turned him down and I think it was the last straw. I'd always had the feeling Dan was only friends with me in some ways because he was attracted to me. I think the way he reacted when I rejected him just strengthens my suspicion. So Phil and I are friends again and I want to know if there's more to it. The emails are so great and I remember we used to have great conversations. I need to see if there's any physical tension now. I seem to remember there was a little the last time I saw him. I was so stupid last year. Mike walked me to exams and Phil was there waiting. I didn't think of how it must have looked until months later. I was such a dork.

Phil still owes me lunch from last summer. I think we'll just have to see then if anything can happen.
© lily keller 2001 back current next

main