The Science of Love: A StudyA Study in Love
Many of you losers out there (not me) are probably wondering just what it takes to find a nice steady girlfriend. How does one meet someone? How does one win over a young woman's affections? How does one avoid getting shot down, or worse, being just friends? Why doesn't she ever call? Well, being the pimp daddy scientist I am, I launched this inclusive study to find just these things out.Step 1: Finding your Prey
Female companionship can be found in any companion which is female. Where are females? Well, *human females can be found in every continent in the world, except for Antarctica. Some of their more popular hangouts include malls, hair salons and monster truck rallies. According to our sources, single females who are interested in male companionship can be found most often in night clubs and bars. Anyone new to the singles scene should start here.*It is highly recommended that one pursues human females. PETA is pretty strict about that sort of thing.
jailbaitStep 2: Moving In
Once a potential target has been spotted, it is important to be suave, sophisticated and confident.
"The name's James, Bond Jame..crap!"This can be accomplished with gratuitous amounts of alcohol, which are available at most night clubs. However, if you've had a great deal of alcohol, be very careful that the person you are pursuing is in fact female, as well as human. Ask for a second opinion if necessary.
with flowers in her hair, he knew then that she was the oneStep 3: Stimulating Conversation
Since it's impossible to prepare for every eventuality when talking to women, I've prepared a handy chart. I think this pretty much covers everything. If you're ever unsure of what to say, just ask her what her hopes and dreams are. However, this should be used only in an emergency.
Some things not to say: "Sorry, I was staring at your breasts...", "Sorry, I was staring at her breasts...", "Are you wearing a bra?"
Step 4: How to turn Date into Mate
So, you've actually gotten a girl to agree to go out with you. You think you're better than me now? Well, the first thing you wanna do, is make sure that she knows it's a date, and DOESN'T just want to be friends. A certain test subject named Chris, who will remain nameless, thought he was doing well after spending a great deal of time with a female of the same species as him, even going so far as to spend the night in her apartment (on her couch). He thought things were going alright, until one day...actually, nothing really happened on any specific day. But nothing ever did happen. They were friends for some time, while his yearnings went unquenched. Eventually he gave up. THIS COULD BE YOU!! The point is, with every girl you ever meet, it's always possible that you be very good friends, or something more. Which is it? Well, we've discovered that it can be explained with simple trigonometry.
Now here's how it works. When you meet a girl, there's a very short period of limbo, where you're a potential boyfriend, but could just as well be just a friend. Far too soon, the paths diverge, and you're taken down one of them. The tendency is towards the friendship path. To get down the love path, you have to really impress her before she makes up her mind about you. One important thing to note is that the two paths get further and further apart over time. The longer you're friends with someone, the less likely you'll be able to make it onto the path of love.
Thus, time is critical. Now, you'll also notice the angle between the two paths affects how quickly they diverge. This angle is a variable, and is directly proportional to how big a loser you are. Someone like me has an extremely small angle, such that the two paths are nearly parallel and almost superimposed. This is why my female friends constantly come on to me. *I kid you not. You may notice that the love path is a little longer than the friendship path. This is not due to my poor model making skills. This is meant to signify the joy of love, which is beyond all others. Well, I'd like to see you make a graph.*He's not kidding, but he is of course lying.
Step 5: Marry Someone Rich
If all else fails, just pick up a hooker. Don't try and pay them with Monopoly money though. They hate that.
he always loved her distinct fashion senseBack to Special Projects