Sandy:Hi Mr. Mathers, I'm glad you could be here for this interview on my gazebo.
Eminem:I'm glad to be here, but call me Eminem.
Sandy:Oh, it's just so confusing, your name is Marshal Mathers, you sing under the name Eminem, but you have an altar ego called Slim Shady.
Eminem:Yo you gettin fresh punk.
Sandy:No, this is my interview, and I'll ask the questions for now.
Eminem:Ok, just don't be shooting your mouth off.
Sandy:I love open ended threats, so, you've won a few awards, even a Grammy.
Eminem:Yeah, I tried to turn it into a bong though.
Sandy:Hmm, that's nice. So, you've won several awards, Grammies, and you are a multi-million dollar rapper.
Eminem: Yes, that is correct, those dumb kids keep buying my CD's.
Sandy:I would have to agree, but that is pretty impressive. You've made yourself into a widely known member of the music industry, yet you know nothing about music.
Eminem:Hey bit** I'm a celebrity.
Sandy:So were the Spice Girls, they even made a movie. That's more then you've done. They were a fad for prepubescent children, much like yourself.
Eminem:Punk, I know lots about music and rapping.
Sandy:Really, then what's the relative minor to C major? Name one composer from the Romantic Era, or tell me, what's a glissando?
Eminem:I thought we were talking music ya dyke?
Sandy:OH, your ignorance appalls me. That WAS music. That was introduction to music theory 101.
Eminem:I just rap.
Sandy:You mean you just make rhymes and occasionally grab your scrotum.
Eminem:Hey!
Sandy:And unfortunately, most people in the rap industry think your lyrics are sludge and your rhythms are mind numbing. You may claim you don't do drugs as much as people say you do, but your music is a clear indication otherwise.
Eminem:Yo you cun* I'll kill you and stick you in the trunk of my car.
Sandy:HOW, you're not even clean now.
Eminem:I am not high.
Sandy:Eminem, I'm a cosmetic surgeon, I spend all day looking at neurotic women that sniff that wicked cocaine to try and keep the weight off or else they take acid hits cause it helps them deal with the stress of wrinkles. Just yesterday I listened to a morphine abuser's histrionics.
Eminem:But I'm NOT HIGH.
Sandy:I can see it in your eyes, and I can smell it on you. And stop eyeing up my lupines, that isn't marijuana.
Eminem:Oh, looks like it.
Sandy: I guess it does. Oh well, on with the interview. Why do you insistently use homophobic lyrics?
Eminem: When I say faggot, I don't mean a gay person, when I was a kid my brother and I always said faggot, we used it in the same sense as retard or stupid.
Sandy:Just cause you didn't understand what that word meant when you were little is no longer an excuse.
Eminem:When I say it in my songs, I don't mean it like a gay person.
Sandy: Really, in the song Marshal Mathers you make say faggot and then make several references to gay sex acts. And in Criminal, you say faggot, then make reference to gay sex, and then make a joke about Versace. You mention gay clubs in Who Knew, men eloping in The Real Slim Shady, and in Bit** Please II you tell a faggot to perform oral sex on you in a response to the questions of why you insistently sing about gays.
Eminem:I don't hate gays, I am not homophobic.
Sandy:Really, well in your song Criminal you say, "My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge That'll stab you in the head whether you're a fag or lez Or the homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest Pants or dress - hate fags? The answer's "yes"."
Eminem:So?
Sandy:So, in that song you said you hate gays, and you are glad that your lyrics are offensive. And then you sit here and tell me that it's not meant to be offensive to gays, and that you don't hate them. I'm beginning to think that this Slim Shady, Eminem, Marshal thing is a bit of a dissociative identity disorder. How many other personas you have in that bleach blonde head of yours?
Eminem:I only sing that stuff cause it sells. CD's.
Sandy: Strange, I can think of many other artists that don't sing like that and sell CD's, some of which even sell more then you.
Eminem:It's what sells rap. Homophobic stuff, raping women, killing and drugs.
Sandy: As I recall they also sell by singing about large butts. And even more sing about niggers.
Eminem:That word is not in my vocabulary. I sing black music, it would be wrong to offend black people when I sing black music.
Sandy:You are aware that you are white. Albino almost.
Eminem:I know I'm white.
Sandy: Are you sure?
Eminem:YES.
Sandy: And all these little tirades and antics you pull. Is it really worth it. Making up that whole fabricated past?
Eminem:It aint fabricated you slut.
Sandy:According to the rest of your family it is. You're mother denied all those allegations.
Eminem:Yeah, the bit** sued me.
Sandy:I know, I send her a gift basket. Hill Shire Farms. But any ways, I have a really good question.
Eminem:What?
Sandy:In just how many more years will you be rapping "tell me what you want what you really really want, just tell me what you want what you really really want, I'll tell you what I want what I really really want, so tell me what you want what you really really want, I want a, I want a ..."
Eminem:I aint ever gonna rap that song.
Sandy:So, is it true?
Eminem:Is what true?
Sandy:You know, are you gay?
Eminem:Fu** No!
Sandy:So you're bisexual then.
Eminem:Nope, I'm not a queer.
Sandy:Really, you know if we complied all the homosexual references you have made in your book, your public statements, your songs, and your interviews; and then wrote them all out, gave them to a credible and notable psychologist. Then asked, "Doctor what do you make of this?" I assure you the good doctor would say you have an obsession and fascination with gays.
Eminem:I am not a queer. Do I look like a queer?
Sandy:I take it that was rhetorical question so I'll take the courtesy to not answer that. And I would advise you to best not ask it to others.
Eminem:I AM NOT GAY.
Sandy:Eminem, the Internet is filled with information from people claiming to be ex-grilfriends that were turned off by your large collection of bisexual porn, ex-boyfriends that were turned off cause you we too much of a raving queen, and even one guy that claims he used to be your pimp.
Eminem:LIES. I never did that stuff.
Sandy:So it was Slim Shady that did that, or was it Marshal? And stop eyeing up my lupines, that's not pot.
Eminem:Are you sure?
Sandy: I think I would know if I had planted drugs along side my gazebo.
Eminem: Well, I don't know why I'm here if you don't have any drugs I can buy. For a lesbian you're not that cool.
Sandy:For a womanizing straight man you're not that masculine.
Eminem: I know what a lez like you needs, some dicking.
Sandy: Well, you've certainly over stayed your welcome. How about you leave now and I'll give you a coupon for 25% off your next botox injection?
Eminem: I'll leave on my own you dyke.
Sandy: Fine, if that's how you're going to be, no coupon for you. Now go.
(Eminem pouted a bit and then left, but he paused to rip a few leaves off of my lupines and stuff them in his pockets.)
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