Happy Families.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Jeff, Matt, Gilbert or Amy they own themselves in this content. Anything to do with the WWF belongs to VK Mac. Lucy and the other characters are original and belong to me.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, my mums gone and married the dad of the most sexist bloke in the world! (I mean Jeff Hardy is THE SEX GOD). She doesn’t really care about how I feel; to be honest she doesn’t really care what I think about anything that’s why I live with my dad.

My sister Lucy lives with my mum and she thinks it is great that mums found someone new. But why him? Why Gilbert! Why Gilbert Hardy? Why not some other sad git? They’re plenty of them in the world.

'Life has to go on, whether you like it or not’ says dad.

I have to spend the week there soon. Matt doesn’t really like the idea of having a new mum and her bringing a little girl along (well she isn’t really that little she’s 5FT 3ins and at the age of 20) But if he doesn’t like the idea and I don’t why the fuck are they getting married!

Day 1

The week I’ve been dreading, I have to look my best 24/7,cause guess what Jeff and Matt have the week off so we can all get to know each other. Here I am then at the Hardy house, the house I’ve always wanted to live in but it’s gone the wrong way! I am meant to marry Jeff! Not mum marry to old Hardy!

Time to be sweet little girl; here I go in to hell!

"Hello, anyone here?" God come on someone answer.

"Hi, you must be Sam I’m Gilbert." You sad old git! What the fuck dose my mum think marrying you…

"Hi nice to meet you…"Silence I hate "Is my mum or sis in?" God how sad do I sound!

"They’ve gone shopping to buy you some new clothes…even though I said you would have your own HA!" What the hell! Better laugh so he thinks I’m just sweet little Sam.

"Ha very funny, too many clothes won’t hurt a girl. I mean I can always get a bigger wardrobe!" Oh god come on mum, I never knew I would be wishing for that bitch of a mother to turn up! Ha, HA

"Hi mum! Lucy! What you been up to?" not as if I didn’t already know after talking too dopey here.

"We went shopping to get you a few new house warming presents" Kiss, kiss, I can’t believe she's kissing his old saggy lips. Lucy looks her old happy self (Ha) she's wearing her black hot pants with a white cut-off tank top with her knee high leather boots, her waist long blond hair flopped down by her arms and her fringe held back by a pair of sunglasses. Mum’s been keeping her up to date on fashion, I see.

"What you got for me then?"

"What has your dad been giving you to eat? You look like a stick! How much has your dad given you for clothes? Oh I bought you a pair of dark tie-dye jeans! Aren’t they great?" Oh yes just what I wanted! They can go with the other 27 pairs she’s got me.

"Thanks mum I don’t think I’ve got this colour."

Kiss, kiss I’m going to find my room and I hope I have a big one!

Lucy took me up stairs with her blond hair swinging from side to side.

I always wanted hair like hers but I’m stuck with my elbow length brunette hair.

Lucy showed me where Matt’s room was and where Jeff’s room was, it turns out I am across the hall from Jeff’s! Oh what a dream! The world makes sense again!

You wouldn’t believe the house rules even if I told you!

1. No Hardy merchandise aloud in sight (Oh my god the world has gone mad) the rest is just a load of trash, about toilet seats, doors, food, bed time (But that don’t count, if your not in the house by 3am your not coming in) etc.

 Where having a BBQ to night.

(Night)

Jeff and Matt have turned up with Amy (Lita) and were all sat round a big table eating burnt sausages that the old boy has done. I tell you it took him so long to pick up a sausage and walk back that the sausage he put on before his ten-mile walk had burnt!

"So…" mum always says so before embarrassing me.

"So what?"

"I was just saying so" Idiot! I have an idiot for a mother.

"Jeff pass us the ketchup will ya?" Lucy always has a way to speak to people even if they are the sex GOD! She just speaks naturally.

"Ya, Sam what grade you at school?" What sort of questions do you say in his sex got voice.

"Sixth Form" Keep cool, Oh god he’s looking at me! I am sweating like a pig!

"Why?"

"Oh just wanted to know." Oh God it’s an awkward silence again. Lucy to the rescue,

" Our years are different. Sam will be going to collage next year." Jeff seemed to understand because he raised his sweat sexy eyebrows.

It’s about 1am and mum’s sent me to bed! Amy’s still here she came upstairs and into my room.

" Sam..." oh god here comes the famous ‘Sam could you…’ better reply otherwise she’ll think I’m mad, not that I am not already.

"Sam what?" oh, she’s looking at me. I wonder if she’s gay! Saying there’s nothing wrong with gay people.

"I was just wondering if… never-mind"

I hate it when people leave sentences unfinished.

"Wondering if what?" what does she want! I can always say no, right?

" If you would…talk to Matt about… me?"

Why do I want to talk to Matt about you? He hates Mum, Lucy well not as much Lucy, me.

" Err… he fancies you… err why me?" god I hate this.

" Don’t tell Lucy or anyone this but I don’t really like Lucy very much" Take a breath, " I think she’s a bit… a bit of a slapper."

Oh dear god to much info. I am not good at keeping secrets from people especially my own sis.

" What do ya want me to talk TO Matt about? Love, sex, friendship, parties, presents. Babies, death… anything else?" Oh god what the hell am I getting myself into! HELP!

Night, night, Jeff Baby. Sweat dreams.

DAY 2

Guess what I’m going to wear? Go on guess. Well I’m gonna wear my denim hot pants and my sleeveless Nutty Tart top. You couldn’t guess that cause you’ve got no taste or fashion sense.

Time for make up test to see if I’ve got it all on.

1: foundation

2: blusher

3: eye shadow

4: and last lippy (gloss or stick)

Time to walk down the steps and hope I don’t fall down the f***ers!

I wonder whom I’ll meet first on this beautiful morning. Hopefully Jeff or Matt or even Lucy but no I have to go and meet old saggy lips (Gilbert).

" Hi, … anyone up yet?" be nice, be nice, oh fuck this I can’t be bothered.

" Hi, no, its only 9am, I am surprised you’re even up. What time do you get up at your … fathers?"

Why did you pause? Oh you had to stop ‘cause you were going to fast for your brain! It took him 5 mins just to say that!

" Depends, if its a school day or not." This guy is really SAD " A school day about 6-6:30am, a holiday about … 7-30am, ‘cause I have a morning jog. Why?" I am staving and I’m stood here talking to dopey.

" Oh I just wanted to know." I hate him, and I hate people when they say ‘ Oh I just wanted know!’ I wonder if him and mum have sex? Oh God I shouldn’t think that! Get out! Get out! Get out of my head!

Jeff is up and is in his boxers, oh nice, very nice.

" Sam! I didn’t know you were up?" we’ll I am sat here reading my book (confront your lovers) not unless I’m a ghost I’m up.

" Yeah, why?" why what? You Sam are completely mad.

" Oh it’s just that I would have got dressed if I knew you were up." We’ll I am glad you didn’t know ‘cause you look so SEXY!

" You better get dressed then."

I am sat up stairs in my room dreaming about the lovely Jeff.

Phone rang; don’t know who it was but all I know is that mum didn’t really like them ‘cause she was shouting at him/her.

It was dad! She was shouting at my daddy! We got into a row and she started crying, and old saggy lips had to get involved didn’t he! He was shouting and swearing at me! At me! Then Matt stepped in just before I was going to hit grandpa!

Mums stopped crying and came up to say sorry (to clear her conscience). Grandpa started shouting at Matt for dissing Mum (if you can call that slimy trash bag ho that!)

I better sleep its already 11:30pm and I’ve got to have my early morning jog before anyone else gets up. (Mum got me into it before her and dad spilt up.)

DAY 3

Had my jog saw Jeff looking out of his window at me, I smiled, he went away from the window. I must have scared him.

Time to have my little chat with Matt (for Amy, even if I don’t want to I promised and I’ve got to keep my promise.)

Matt, Matt, Jeff em, oh sexy.

" Have ya seen your bro? Anywhere?"

Oh sexy man

" Yeah, why?" he’s got a deep voice but its a sexy one " When did you start running?" What sort of question is that Jeff?

" Amy wants me to speak to Matt about … something." silence " I’ve been running for the last 2 years, why?" a day I talk to Jeff and I want to speak with Matt! What the fuck is going on? I like Jeff not wussy Matt he's Amy’s!

" I was wondering if…" if what? Tell me!

" If what?” Sounding cool.

" If… If I could… If I could come running with you?" Yes! Yes! Yes! You can!

" If you’re up at 6 or 7 sure" I get the man! Now where’s Matt?

" So, where’s Matt?" Oh dear, oh dear!

" He’s in his room, see ya later."

“Bye,” I felt like calling out: I LOVE JEFF HARDY!

Sat in Matt’s room while HE’S talking to ME! I am meant to be the one talking to him.

" Matt! Matt!" Dumb, dumb, and wake up.

" What do you want?" at last my turn to speak. He’s finally shut his big fat gggggooobbbbbb!

" Amy wanted me to speak to you about your ‘ relationship’. She wants to be more than just good friends she wants to have SEX. Do you know what SEX is?" He’s so dumb I wouldn’t think he would know what it was!

" Em…. Yeah I know what it is! I am not dumb you know!" you could have fooled me! You’re as thick as 2 short planks! Like my dad would say.

" Well you see…Amy wants to go to a higher level, and you see…she thinks you’re not ready…or that you’ll be scared." Oh my fucking Lord! I feel like fucking mother - nature!

" WHAT DO YOU MEAN SCARED? " Oh don’t get all huffy Matt.

" I mean scared, just talk to Amy about it, and don’t get all huffy, she just wanted me to help you, or, just talk you through it." He’s looking at me all angry; it doesn’t suit him at all.

Sat up in bed listening to the party that’s going on out and inside! I really wish I were out enjoying the party! But no, mum has to send me to bed! I suppose its 1:30am she does have a point. Better get some sleep along day and the first part I share with Jeff, even though I don’t think I will be sleeping with this noise, but still I can daydream about the Sex God!

DAY 4

Doing my 10 laps of the house with the hunk of the year/world Jeff, he seems to be getting tired, I suppose it is 6:30am and he did go to bed at 2:45am.

" You can stop if you want to, it’s ok if you do." I thought he would be fitter than this; he’s a wrestler for Gods sake.

" No, I can keep going, I am a wrestler for fuck sake!" man he’s tired.

In an hour Amy, Lucy and me are all going and a girlie shopping trip, a girl can never have an enough clothes, and if your wardrobe gets to full, what do you do? Get a bigger one!

 Told Amy that I spoke with Matt,

" How did he take it?" what do you think? He flipped.

" Not very well, he’s going to speak with you, and, well I told him not to get all huffy at you." I am kidding my self here " I told him you wanted me to put the idea in his head. Does he even know what sex is and how to do it?" a girl needs to know things like this just in case.

Guess what I bought while we were out? Go on guess. Well altogether I spent about … $350.55! I bought:

6 tops

3 pairs of trousers

Some hats

4 pairs of earrings

Hair stuff

6 mini skirts

2 jackets

Some of this is leather. Not bad. Mum went psycho when she found out how much it cost!

Jeff’s been really nice and kind and guess what? I love it! I always say that, but I can’t help it, I really, really like him a lot!

 DAY 5

 I’ve done my run, Jeff was sleeping like a baby when I looked into see if he was up, I didn’t want to wake him, he looked so peace full and so adorable! If I say so my self.

I am wearing my new clothes, my green con bats with my CK

(Calvin Klein) top and my 24ct loop earrings, with my hair in a French plait. Cool huh?

I heard Amy crying so I went to see what was up. I wish I hadn’t.

" Sam," sob " I, really love Matt, but, " sob, sob " He doesn’t want to…sleep with me!" sob ... SOB!

" There, there Amy. Why doesn’t he want to… you know… sleep with you?" oh god what did I get my self into!

" Because…because he’s…a puff! No ‘cause he doesn’t think he’s ready!" what this guy is the only guy I know who would pass up the chance of having SEX!

" I’ll talk to him, you go and clean your self up, ok?" oh dear fucking God!

" Ok" sob " And Sam, don’t hit him." Oh but that takes out all the fun

" I’ll just have to…slap him." Ha, ha, ha, the fun is back in the game!

" Don’t Sam! Don’t!" oh mean I don’t like you any more.

" Me hit him? No, don’t worry I won’t." really.

Knock, knock, anyone there?

" Amy I will…Sam, I thought you were Amy." Oh thanks I know I am good looking but thanks.

" She’s really up set, Matt. Why won’t you…you know…sleep with her?" here I go again mother fucking nature!

" I will that’s the thing, I love her so I will…you know…sleep with her. I wasn’t sure before but I am now!"

" Good, then go and find the poor girl, before I have to spank you!" I was this close to hitting him; he was just standing there. The idiot!

I wasn’t quite excepting that, so he’s not gay after all, saying there’s nothing wrong with gay people.

Jeff came into my room; told me he really liked me and was going to get married! Ha I WISH! I really fucking wish!

No, what he did do was come into my room and say:

" Sorry for not been on the run this morning, it was a late night last night I didn’t get to bed till late. You forgive me?" I would never be angry with you ever!

" Yeah, what ever." You looked cute in your big baby way.

" Ok see ya later." Bye.

" See ya."

" Do ya want to come to the dirt track?"

" Yeah, oh I can’t, I have no bike." I really wish I had a bike now!

" Oh, I know you can borrow one of my bikes." Oh yes I can go and ‘hang-out’ with the man I’ve always dreamed about!

" Yeah, ok. What time at?" Yep I pulled! Pulled the Sex God!

"Tomorrow, about 2pm, ok?" Anything is all right if YOU ask!

"Yeah, what ever. See you then, if not before." PULLED "Bye"

"Bye." I’ve pulled! I love you Jeff Hardy!

It’s going to be the day of my life tomorrow! I love you world! You make sense again!

DAY 6

The day of my life has arrived! I’ve done my run I only did 5 laps ‘cause I wanted to get ready. I am wearing my pedal pushers, a T-shirt and my hi-tech trainers. Nice and simple, my hairs up in a pony tail. Cool and casual.

A couple of hours left till the big moment.

Knock, knocks, who can that be? " Hello?" Good am not totally ready yet I hope it’s not Jeff!

" Hi Sam, it’s me, Amy. Let us in will ya." At least it’s not Jeff; I still have time to get ready.

" Just a min, what do you want?"

" Let me in and I’ll tell ya." Picky, in the old days you had to tell people what you wanted before they let you in.

" Hi, come on in. Now what do you want?"

" I just want to tell you about the out come of me and Matt." Oh fun, well hurry up about it then.

" Go on, tell me. Before I die with boredom." Ha great joke hum?

" Well, we’ve…you know, on it was great! And I owe it all up to you. Thanks Sam thanks a lot." God don’t hug me please! Please don’t! Oh thank God she fucking didn’t.

" It’s ok, bye."

"Bye. Have fun were ever your going." I will. No trouble about that!

Knock, knock that might be Jeff! And luckily I am ready.

" Sam it’s me, Jeff you ready yet?" oh God here I go!

" Yeah, coming, what time is it?"

" 12:30.We’re picking up a couple of mates on the way. There little bros. with them, just some one for you to talk to." What! I thought I was hanging around with you! I hate this world!

" Oh, ok. Lets go." I am all up set now. I hate him! What am I saying I could never hate him, bad girl!

Those little dicks! I had to hang out with some sad fucking kids! They didn’t even come for the dirt track they came for me! They said they liked me, and wanted to go out with me! I said:

" Em…I don’t go out with little brats like you." they just laughed and said they were the best I was going to do!

" We’ll for a matter of fact, I am going out with someone older and more sophisticated!" I told a little lie. Then the pushed me into the mud! I got pissed and started beating the fucking shit out of a lad called James! Then Andrew (Test) came over and grabbed James and said to me:

" I know he’s a puff, but don’t beat the crap out of my cousin. Ok?"

" We’ll you tell your cousin he can buy me a new set of clothes! He pushed me in the mud!" I even heard Jeff laughing at me! I am not talking to him any more! And it’s really getting to him.

" Sam I am really sorry for…you know…what happened." Puff! " Sam talk to me!" fine I’ll talk to you, but it wouldn’t be what you want to hear.

" Jeff, piss off and leave me alone! You should of thought before you laughed at me!" ha " Good bye, Jeff!" that will teach him to laugh at me!

Mum tried to talk heart to heart. It didn’t work. Does it ever! No!

" Come on Sam, just talk to him. He didn’t mean, he just thought it was funny. Like I do!" God you stupid slapper! Go back on kiss stiffly!

" Mum! These heart to heart talks don’t work with me!"

" They used to." ‘Used to’ been the operative words here!

" They USED to work! They used to work before you walked out on the family! Remember!"

" Oh Sam! You know I didn’t just walk out! It was that we were falling out all the time that we fell apart." My arse! You just wanted to get out and marry grandad! It went on for a while, until Jeff, Matt and Gilbert came in, I left the room and went up to mine to start packing.

Does no one understand the word ‘ privacy’? I wish everyone would stop knocking on my door!

Knock, knock, WHAT! GO AWAY!

"WHAT DO YOU WANT? GO AWAY IF IT’SNOT INPORTANT!"

Oh God, I can’t wait to go back to papa bears house (my dads).

" Sam it’s me, daddy. Can I come in? Or am I not important?" Yes he’s come to save me from this hellhole!

" DADDY! Come in and of course your important! Your important to me!" I love my daddy! He’s like my big teddy bear, all mine, and no one else can touch him!

" What’s up? Why you here so early?"

" While you’ve been away…I’ve met some one. Some one I am engaged to, her name is…Ivory" WHAT! " You have a choice…you can live with me…or stay here with your mother!"

SHIT! What am I going to do…!

Want to know what happens then you’re gonna have to wait for Happy Families Part 2 to get put up. HA HA. It not written yet but HA HA. Anyway please R&R especially if ya want the second part. No reviews then no second part.

Happy Families Part2.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Hardy family they all own themselves. Amy also owns her self and Ivory belongs to VK Mac. Sam and Lucy, belong to me. Shane belongs to himself and Sarah also belongs to no one but her self.

Enjoy. Oh and don’t forget to read and review.

Still day 6

What! A life of long skirts, trousers and big baggy T-shirts! Or on the other hand, living with the mother from hell! And Jeff, Matt, Amy and Lucy and saggy lips! L

I really don’t know what I am going to do. The world is falling down around me; I feel I don’t belong to anyone, or anywhere! I’ve never felt like this before, I really don’t know what to do. And I don’t have anyone to turn and talk to about my tragic problem!

“ Dad… can you leave me alone for a while so I can think about it.” Oh God how can my papa bear do this to me, I suppose he’s not my papa bear he’s a changed man, forever!

“ Sam, look honey I don’t want to hurt you in any way. You know you mean the world to me, don’t you?” I used to know but I am not so sure anymore.

“ Dad, just go. And leave me alone, and dad, I really don’t know if I do mean the world to you.” I hate my life, not as if I didn’t before. But this just takes the piss out of it. L

“ I’ll be down stairs if you need me, ok.” Nothing is ok anymore, it’s all changed, and I don’t understand it as if it’s a foreign language or something!

I am sat on my bed thinking so hard that it’s made my head hurt! It’s never hurt before; I suppose I’ve never had to think about something this big before. People say when you think ‘ that must of hurt’ well there right, it does.

“Sam are you ok? Do you want someone to talk to?” It’s Amy, but I know that Jeff is out there with her ‘cause I can hear him telling her to tell me to talk to him instead of her.

J“ Yeah, I could do with a friendly face to talk to. But, Jeff I don’t want to talk to you, and don’t stand out side the door listening.” Maybe Amy can help me out; she might have had to go through this her self. But I really think she hasn’t, she seems one of these people who come from a whole family with no problems at all.

“ How you doing? I just heard your dad telling your mum and sis, why you crying?” why do you think? I’ve just found out that my dad’s marring the wicked witch of the west!

“ How do you think I am doing? I am crying ‘cause my dad just told me that I have to choose between him and Ivory or mum and Gilbert! That’s why I am crying!” I really shouldn’t take it out on her, it’s not her fault that he’s gone and done this, but she does ask the silliest questions sometimes.

“ Don’t take it out on me! I didn’t introduce them that were Jeff’s fault! Oops.” What! So it was Jeff who let them meet, we’ll he’s dead!

“ What! That’s it he’s dead! Where is the bastard?” Maybe me been mad at him wasn’t good enough for the git, he had to go and brake up my family for me!

“Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Where are you? I need to talk to you!”L

Oh God, Ivory is here. Hold on a minute she’s wearing a mini skirt and a tank top! I thought she would be wearing all this posh frocks, but she isn’t.

“ Hi, have you seen Jeff anywhere?” why on earth is she here? She probably thought that I would have said that I was going to live with dad no matter what! She probably thinks I am coming home with her ‘cause she thinks I am really idiotic. But I am not and I have really deep feelings about things like this. Or she wants to push me of on to my mum so dad and her can live happily ever after!

“ Sam this is Ivory, your new step-mum.” Oh god he’s already calling her my step-mum! L

“ Hi. Em I have decided that I am going to carry on living…”

“ Sam, Amy said that you wanted to talk to me, what do you want?” bad timing Jeff, but also good timing, you saved me from the conversation of hell!

“ We can’t talk here, let’s go to my room.”

“ Ok, see you lot later.” Hopefully not.

Right I am up stairs away from the father-eating monster! (Ivory)

“Jeff is it true that you introduce my father to…the father-eating monster!” Oh god I really hope it’s not true, ‘cause if it was… I can’t stand him.

“ What if it was? What would you do to me?” I would be beat the crap out of you, and then flush your head down the loo. L

“ Was it you or not?” I really hope it wasn’t for your sake.

“ Just tell me first, what would you do to me if it was?” God sake boy just tell me!

“ I would hurt you. Not!” I will really.

“ It was me who introduced them, but I didn’t know they were planing on getting married. If I did I would of tried and stop them. So…don’t…hurt…me!” I suppose it wasn’t his fault, but why did he have to introduce them at all? Why didn’t he think that they might click, or start snogging? (Having intense kissing sessions)L

“ I suppose I can forgive, but why did you introduce them at all?”

“ ‘Cause Ivory felt all alone and I felt sorry, like I feel really sorry for you. Having to choose between your mother and father.” At least he has a big-enough brain to understand how I feel, and what kind of dissuasions I have to make in my day-to-day life.

“ You better leave me alone, before I beat the crap out of you!” Why does no one leave without having the last word in this place!

“ Sam, a mate of mine, Shane, and is girlfriend, Sarah. Well there coming around later, were going out, you can come, you know…to take your mind off all of this.” Well I think that’s the best idea he’s come up with since I’ve been here!

“ Yeah I might just do that, dopey.” A new nickname for the brainless moron.

“ Hay. You’re making jokes in your depression, which’s a really good sign.” He’s really sweat when it comes down to it; he always has good intentions for everyone. J

Time to go and face the Wicked Witch of the West. I bet my papa isn’t going to start saying and writing poems like; roses are red, violets are blue, honey is sweat but not as sweat as you. I think it’s not really romantic telling a girl the colour of roses and violets, she’s not thick, I think a girl would know what colour they were, don’t you? L

“ Hi ya, Sam are you ok?” why does every one ask me that? And why is dopey one asking, it’s not as if he cares if I am or not. I’ll just raise my eyebrows and hope he gets the message. If he doesn’t he’s thicker than I thought, a lot thicker!L

“ Well how are you?” God he’s thicker than I thought!

“ I am fine, em I’ve have to dash. See ya.” He is Ssssoooo dense!

Well here I am (again), looking at the father eater, her brown eyes stabbing me in the back a thousand and one times!J

“ As I was saying before, I’ve made up my mind…”

“ Your mind up about what? What you’re wearing?” Ivory is really strange, she knows full well what I’ve made my mind up about.

“ Please do not interrupt me, specially with very unfunny jokes, if you can call it that. Now I’ve decided that I am… I am going to live with…” I could see the corners of her mouth turn up, she thought I was going to choose my… mum, but she was wrong, big time! J

“ I am going to live with… don’t smile yet Ivory, I am going to live with my dad, papa bear.” I saw her face just drop, like a tone of bricks.L You should have seen it; it was so funny I couldn’t help but to smile my self. J

“ Em, are you sure? You can go and live with your mum if you want.” Why Ivory? Why don’t you want me to live with you? I like to see her get out of this one; she’s squirming like a worm on a hook! Well it’s her own fault she shouldn’t smile around me; I do things just to spite people! It’s the way I’ve always been; I am not going to start changing for the likes of a father-eating monster!

“ I am sure, very sure. I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life, why?” lets see her get out of this, dad might help her to get out of it, but I am really sure he won’t.J

“ Sam, don’t be like that, Ivory really wants you to come and enjoy our life together.” Please I am not a little kid anymore, I can tell when a person doesn’t like me or like the idea of having to do something with me.

“ Dad, dad, dad what are we going to do with you?” Well I have one idea. We could tie him up to the deck of a ship on the way to Africa, make him marry six wives come back with all of them then shoot Ivory in the back of the head while she’s having intense sex with, dopey one, Test and the pizza boy! That sounds like a good idea to me, best one I’ve come up with so far.

“ And what’s that suppose to mean young lady?” Why does everything always have to have a meaning attached to it? JJ

“ Oh nothing. Don’t worry your self over it, like you normally do.” I have at least time to through him off the idea of marring that bitch.

“ We better tell you the other news later on, ‘cause if you’ve talking this news like this I really don’t want to see you take the rest in, well not to night any way.” What other news? I hate people who do that; you know when they make you wait for the bad news. It’s always bad news, well when I am concerned it always is.

“ I can take it all in one go you know. Unlike some people.” Not mentioning any names, JEFF, MATT, DAD, AMY, But not mentioning any names.

Up in my bed, doing the usual, well the usual for a girl my age any way, if you know what I mean. Watching fit boys work out in the gym, reading girl mags and ect.

I wonder if Ivory is a virgin or not? I bet she’s a right Sandra Dee! For those people out there who don’t have a fuckin’ clue what I am on about, (well that just about covers the entire world.) I will explain my self. Just bare with me, I am going to try and explain my twisted mind to you.

Have you ever seen the movie Grease? Well if you have it’s from that, it’s a song, it goes something like this, look at me I am Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity; won’t go to bed until I am legally wed, and so on. Well I bet she’s like that, it sounds like the kind of thing she would do!

Well I get to hear the bad news tomorrow; I really want to know what it is! I bet there going to get married in one week! And I’ll have to wear this really horribly dress! I would have to say that would have to my worst nightmare, and knowing Ivory she’ll go on and do that just to spite me off ‘cause I said I was living with her, so that must of destroyed her dreams of a happy family!

Day 7 The Shame.

The day I’ve always been looking forward to! (Yeah right! You think I am that sad! Well thanks!)

“ Morning Sam, sleep well?” Yeah what ever. “ So did you?” what is it with you Jeff, Ivory put a spell on you, a spell that will make you do weird things, please tick one of the below ó

Be nice to me.

Make very thing I want to eat.

Strip of naked and do a belly dance (well that’s just my weird imagination having fun.)

Or all of the above.

“ Yeah…yeah, I did thanks. Why you been so nice?” I don’t mess when I want to know something unlike some strange people.

“ You haven’t forgotten that Mac and Sarah are coming up have you?”

Oh god I forgot about that, well I can kill two birds with one stone.

“ Give me some credit will yah!” oh don’t tell me that you’ve never lied to anyone in your prophetic lives!

“ Good, they’ll be here at noon, ok?” he’s stood right next to me; I can smell his scent of CK aftershave. It smells so…so…sexy…really…really…sexy. I just want to kiss his neck over and over and over again. Enough about my sex life, or lack of, back to the real world.

“ Ok. Where’s the posh bitch?” I am so good at making up nicknames for people, don’t you think?

“ Ivory, her name is Ivory!” raise the eyebrows and see him shut up; it’s like the new robot of the future. “ Sorry, she’s in the study, playing footsie with your dad. It’s so funny…you really don’t want to know do you.”

“ Not really, I’m going to do everything in my power to stop this shit hole wedding!” oh I sound so powerful when I do things like that, no wonder my sis’s boy is scared of me!

“ Daddy, Bitchy, were are you? Come out come out were ever you are!” oh I love tormenting people it’s so much fun! Don’t you think?

“ Sam, sweet heart. Come on in, we all need to sit down and talk like a big happy family.” Come on you really don’t believe that happened do you. No, what really happened was far more disturbing!

“ I love you honey bunny, we’ll live in a big house on the coast of USA.” WHAT! That means I have to change school even country! And what in the blue hell is a ‘Honey Bunny’?

“ Me to, my petal we’ll live happy ever after!” not if I have anything to do with it you won’t! And she’s not a part of a plant for god’s sake! Here we go again, the part were a man, (if you can call the BOYS that) start saying weird things. Like colour of roses or saying your part of a plant when you’re a human! The boys these days are as dumb as a doornail! Enough about boys lets get back to were we were.

“ Hello, you said you had something to tell me. Is it about me moving country! Or maybe me moving school! But please tell me.” Time to stand my ground, (I got that of the tiles in the kitchen, ‘I will stand my ground and cook till broad day light’) but hay, I have to.

“ Em…yeah. And that the weddings in a two days.” What! That doesn’t give me much time! Or them much time.

“ What! But you said you wanted me to be your bride’s maid! I need to get fitted, that will take to weeks at least!” I bet it’s working!

“ Sam, baby, we already have your dress in your size.” Oh this is just great! Just perfect! Wait till the last min to tell me your getting married, and then just to top it all of tell me the weddings in two days! (Not counting today.)

“ Oh…but I’ve lost a lot of weight, it might be to big! Then what will you do?”

“ Sam, Sam will just fix it up to your size, don’t you worry about things like that this wedding is going to go like clock work!”

“ So that’s what are wedding of the world is going to be like! Sodden clock works!” don’t get in a stress Ivy. Well do get in a stress and call of the wedding! For my sake! And yours.

“ No baby, no, I wouldn’t want OUR wedding to be a boring old fashioned wedding, I want it to be the best!” you don’t want to spend all that money on a Girl! Especially when it’s not even going to happen!

“ Good…’cause I want our wedding to be better than anyone else’s! Even yours and Elizabeth’s wedding! Ok…I love you.” It’s as if they can’t even see me or hear me! They don’t even care if they make out in the same room that I am in! It’s insane! I tell you! INSANE!

I’ve tried the dress on it looks like…little Mary’s dress! I felt like singing;

‘Mary had a little lamb,

Little lamb, little lamb

Mary had a little lamb as white as snow.

Mary had a little lamb,

Little lamb, little lamb

Mary had a little lamb that followed her every were.’

I mean it looked that bad that Jeff said I looked, and I quote “Oh…is that what your wearing? You look so ‘cute’” I can’t believe he said that to me! Me! Sam! CUTE! I tell you he was dropped on his head when he was little!

It’s noon, I’ve changed out of my little girlie dress and into something more sophisticated. I mean; a tank top, con bats and trainers. The usual. I can here voices down stairs, Shane and gf (gf stands for girlfriend.) must be here, and I wonder what we’re going to do. Knowing Jeff he’s probably booked something crazy like he normally does.

“ Sam, you ready? We’ve got to go, if we want to make it.” Make it were? What on earth has he planed; I am not sure if I want to go any more! I am scared, don’t you even think about telling anyone that I am scared! It won’t help my image. I am meant to be big and hard, and I am not meant to cry!

“Sam!” God I am coming don’t rush me! I’ve got to look my best when I go out even of I am taking the rubbish out!

“Sam!”

“ What? I am here ok! Let’s go! Hi I am Sam.”

“ Oh… hi I am Shane, you can call me O’Mac, and this is my girl, Sarah.” Girl! She looks more like a young woman, but the people over here like calling young lady’s their Girl, or bird or something else. She’s got really nice big dark brown eyes, a lot like Shane’s, oh I mean O’Macs.

“ Hi…erm…where we going?” She’s got a strong voice; I’ve heard it before, somewhere.

“ Wait and see.”

“ So… do you work with Jeff and O’Mac?”

“ Yeah I do, I’ve been working with this loser for five years…”

“ I am not a loser! I am the bosses son…if I am, I got it of my dad!”

“ Yeah right…what ever, sweet thing.”

“ What part in the WWF are you in? Writing? Fighting? Light, camera?”

“ Oh…I am in the writing part, I write some of the main events there.”

“Yeah most of them that involve me getting hurt! It shows how much she cares for me doesn’t it.” Well I can’t blame her, if I had the chance to hurt Shane O’Mac I would jump right at it! I don’t know about you but I would.

“ Oh stop complaining will yah! Let’s get going people otherwise were going to be late for IT!” Jeff can put things so…so direct! He doesn’t beat around the bush (another quote from my dear daddy.).

Later on in the day, (i.e. 3:30pm) after coming back from one hell of a day.

It was so much fun! I want to do the whole entire day over again and again! It was that much FUN! Jeff knows how to cheer you up when your really, really depressed.

We first went shopping, in La, then went bowling, guess who won, well your never going to guess so I am going to be kind and tell you, it was me! That was a very big surprise because I normally lose, but I suppose I am not the worst player in the world. (Not any more anyway.)

Then we went out for lunch; we went to my favourite place I just about always eat! The Pizza Hut! Then just to top it off we went to the skateboarding ramps! I am totally hopeless at it! And I mean hopeless!

Better get ready for the Big Wedding on Tuesday! Not long till THE BIG DAY!

Day 8 The Fun.

God I am really tired! I didn’t get in ‘til 3am last night; I was to worried about the wedding tomorrow. I don’t know that the hell I am going to do, don’t suppose you have any idea’s do you? Well if you do I can’t really use them can I; I’ll just have to sort this one out on my own, this time.

It’s 2:30 PM already! I can’t believe I slept in that long! I don’t normally, that’s really strange, I am under a lot of pressure and I sleep longer, I don’t understand it. To be true, I don’t really understand a lot!

Dad’s rushing into getting married to ‘ I don’t like short skirts’ girl!

Me and Lucy went shopping. We met up with some of her wacko friends there. It to tell you the truth was about as much fun as I had had on the day out with Jeff. We managed to run around the shops and found the craziest, uncoolist things to wear, and then all of us try then on. Lucy was almost crying from the laughter, come to think of it so was I. After the crazy fashion show in the middle of Top Shop we paid a visit to the food court where… lets just say food started having a flying lesson. We got home and were totally cover head to foot in chocolate pudding and other such things. Worst part was the first people we met as we walked through the door were Jeff and Matt.

“ Erm…erm…hi.” God Lucy isn’t every good at people confronting her, so it was up to me to save her sorry arse!

“ What you looking at!?”

“ Two beautiful, messed up girls that’s what. What are you looking at?” it’s quiet funny because Jeff and Matt were both covered in mud and paint! They both and been playing paint ball in the back yard! They were a right state! Worse than me and Lucy!

“ I don’t know, it looks like Matt and Jeff but I am not quiet sure, how about you Lucy, what do you think it is?”

Lucy tipped her head to a side and did one of the best Kane impression’s I had seen in a long time. “ Umm… I think you might be right Sam it is Matthew and Jeffery, but I think maybe they’ve been playing!”

Jeff had a smile spread across his face; he looked deviously at Matt then back at me and Lucy. That’s when they stroke. Hands grabbing us all over, around the waist and they began tickling us. Fuck how in God’s name do they know we’re this ticklish! I rolled on the floor laughing ‘til my sides felt like they were going to split to Keighley and back! Finally they let us up and I looked up at Jeff. Man is he very, and I mean very sexy when he’s covered in mud and paint. I stood up and composed myself, then started heading up the stairs to the bathroom only to feel Jeff’s hands pull me back, then HE leaped up the stairs two at a time, me running up after him.

Jeff beat me to the bathroom by only an inch; we tackled for a bit before Jeff finally let me go into the bathroom like a true gentleman.

“ Ladies first, “ he whispered huskily into my ear. I closed the door dreamily. God how fucking sexy is that voice. If only he knew he’s the love of my life and I’d give anything to be with him.

Once I cleaned my self up I went on the search for Jeff. He was sat in the kitchen, with nothing but a pair of baggy pants on, he looks so good in just a pair of pants, that’s if you’ve ever seen him in a pair of pants sat on the kitchen table legs wide open! And his ok bro sat on the kitchen top legs swinging with Amy stood in between. I wish I could stand in front of the sex God and just kiss him all day long, and all over his body! Don’t you just wish you could do that with someone you really, and I mean really, fancy?

“ Hi, what you all doing? The bathroom is free if you want to use it.” Why is every one staring at me? Jeff is as well. I do have some clothes on don’t I?

“Sam, me and Amy are just going out so if your going to go looking for us later were out, ok?” Ok? But why on earth would I look for you?

“ Ok, but why?” Matt’s looking at Jeff but I don’t know why! Ho God is my dream coming true! Am I Samantha going to sleep with the Sex God! Am I going to sleep with Jeff!

“ You haven’t asked her yet have you, Jeff.”

“ No I haven’t! Go away.”

“ Don’t force anything on her ok? Jeff.”

“ Ok. Now just go and leave me and Sam alone!” what does he want with me? I really don’t want to sleep with him any more; he’s scaring me.

Once Matt and Amy had left, Jeff grabbed hold of me and started whispering sweet jesters in my ear.

I haven’t done much to day, excepted think about what Jeff said to me. I suppose he’s right, everyone deserves to be happy.

Day 9 The Big Day, The Wedding.

Doing the usual, doing my running, homework, the normal. But what’s happening to day is far from normal. It’s shame, it’s despair, it’s life!

That’s just me trying to freak you out, but it didn’t work, it never does.

At the Church trying to understand what this guy is saying but I can’t understand him, he’s getting in a right stress, he’s throwing plates all over the place and shouting “ I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!” it’s quiet funny because he’s just been arrested and he’s happy! What a mad loony!

It’s not my fault I couldn’t understand him, I didn’t know he was trying to teach me how to walk down an aisle. It’s his fault! He should get speaking lessons!

All the guests are arriving now; I think when I say what I am going to say I think Ivory will wish she didn’t have such a big crowd!

I am in my total, sheep girl dress! I look like a sheep my self! I tell ya I really wish I was never born some times, so I can’t embarrass myself so much as I do now!

The wedding is about to start. Ivory is rushing around like a mad dog! I suppose that suites her ‘cause she is a dog her self!

“ Sam, do you know what your doing? I hope you do!”

“ Oh thanks, you think I am that dumb do you?”

“ Sometimes I do! You can so…bitchy at times! Like when you said you were living with your dad and me! I just wish you were never born!”

“ Well why don’t you speak your mind then!!!!!!!! I am going to do everything in my power to make sure you don’t fucking get close to marrying my dad!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re going to pack your bags and leave as soon as possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“ Well sorry but the only one packing their bags will be you!!!!! Your going straight of to a BOARDING SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!! For EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“ I don’t think SO!!!!!!!!!!! You’ll be long gone once I am finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“ GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s a church full of people out there!!!!!!!!!!! Keep it down!!!!!!!!!!!! And you’re out now!!!” Oh thanks a lot dopey!!!!!!!!

Here we go of to my doom! The Priest is nearly at the part where he say’s

‘Anyone who has a just reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold your peace.’ Here we go. I spoke up,

“ I… erm…”

Mwahhhha! Mwahhha! If you want to know what happens next you will have to wait and read the next part. However the next part will not be coming if you do not read and review this part. Mwahhha!!!!

“ I…erm…” God girl speak up no one will hear you otherwise!!!!! “ I don’t…erm… I DON’T WANT THAT BITCH TO MARRY MY DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

There we go, I’ve said what I’ve had to say!!!!!!!!

“ Sam, baby, why??????” Why!!!!!!! What sort of question is that???????!!!!!!!!!!!

“ Because…because…”

“ Because Ivory here is already Married!!!!!” Thank you Jeff. There is a God after all, and I am stood next to it!! There’s this loud gasp throughout the hall and then nothing but a deadly silence!!!!!

“ Samantha stop talking nonsense like that!!!!” Wait a minute I didn’t say it, JEFF DID!!!!!!!!!

“ Oh Shut up Ivory we all know it’s true!!!” It’s True It’s TRUE. Oh my god I sound like Kurt Mangled. Ekk get it get it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad just stands there like the complete idiot he is, and looks at Ivory. Please!!!! She’s not that interesting for Christ’s sake.

So finally Dad says in this kinda hurt voice that I’ve heard him use like twice, “ Is it true, Petal?” Back to the flower part calling again. GGGGRRRRRR!!!!

Ivory stands there like this really made up gimp and shakes her head, “ No Babes there just making things up!!!” Yeah right, Jeff was soooo right when he said she’d try something like this. Well he should know he does work with her. Anyway Matt gets up and walks over to the door just at the side of the hall. It’s got a fancy name but I can remember it. He opens it to revel good old white socks. Steven Richards in case you didn’t already know who I was talking about. The crowd kinda gasp again and there’s this murmur of conversation!!!!!!!! Don’t these people know how else to react other than Gasp? Oh Gasp it’s a TREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Gasp someone just got shot!!!!!!!!! Oh GASP its bloody STEVEN RICHARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There I am calm now. Well not quite but I will be.

Ivory’s face was classic when she saw old white socks. She had the same look on her face when I told I was living with her!!!!!! I mean her face fell like a tone of bricks been thrown out of the class window!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so were back at the Hardy house now and Dad’s kinda locked himself in MY room!!!!!!!!! So I’m sat on Jeff’s bed reading through the Raw mag. Anyway I can hear downstairs, Matt shouting at his daddy, and saggy lips shouting back. Jeff has the right idea listen to very loud music. I mean his is that loud that even I can sing along!!!!!!!

I’ve changed out of the sheep-girl dress and back into the real life clothes (I mean trousers.)

“What do you think he’s thinking about in there?” Well I do want to know don’t I? If I find out then maybe I can help him, then the sooner he’s out of MY ROOM!!!!!!!!!!

“ Duno. What do you think?” I wouldn’t be asking you if I knew would I!!!!!!

“ Don’t have a clue! But I would wish he would hurry up and stop thinking about it and get out of my room!!!!!!!!!!!” I know I sound like a bitch, but what can I say, I am pure, born and bread!!!!!

“ Don’t be mean! You know he’s just found out that his ‘love’ of his ‘life’ is already married to the puff of the year!!!!!!!!!!!” For one thing!!!!!! She wasn’t his love of his life as you put it!!!!!!!

“ Look Jeff, I think I know my dad better than you do, and for one thing SHE WASN’T HIS LOVE OF HIS LIFE!!!!!! That job is taken by Samantha Fox!” What?! Well it’s true.

“ Oh you know what I mean. He really, really liked Ive and you know he did! So stop being the self centred bitch that you are and go comfort your dad!!!!!!!!!!” Ok Jeff where did that come from? Oh I know it’s talking from the soul!!! You say everyone has got.

“ Ok, ok I will! And who said I was a self centred bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘Cause when I find out……!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“ Em…em… you better go and see your dad, and Sam, be nice.” Be nice!!!!!!!! BE NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do you think I am all the time!!!!!!!!!!! MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“ Daddy? Daddy? Can I come in?” God!! I have to ask to enter my own fucking bedroom!!!!!!! I tell you that’s a first!

“ Sam? Sam is that you?” Well the last time I looked I was. Not unless during the last 14yrs I changed! I am still your kid Sam!!!!!!!!!!!!

“ Yeah. Are you ok in there? Do you want someone to talk to?” If you do I am here, then I can sort it out and then the sooner you’re out of there!!!!!

“ Erm… erm… Sam? I would rather like to talk to Ivory, you don’t mind do you?” Don’t Mind!!!!!!! Don’t Mind!!!!! You want to Talk to that stuck up nosed, over tart, big arse, bum wiping skid make!!!!!!!!!!!! Rather than your own flesh and BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh no dad I don’t give a fucking rats behind!!!!!!!!!!!!! (If you can’t tell I am being sarcastic!!!)

“ But…but why?” that’s a good question isn’t it!! Let me tell you this much, I totally want 2 know why on earth he want’s 2 talk 2 the cow he was about to marry!!!!!

“ Sam, it’s a bit…complicated. You’ll understand when your in love and are getting married your self. Trust me.” Trust you! TRUST You!!!!! HA!!

“ Dad I wouldn’t put your hopes on me getting married any time soon, ok? So I won’t understand will I not at the moment any way.”

“ Sam, don’t be like that, please. I don’t need you to be bitch, I need you to understand and be supportive. Please Sam!”

Please Sam, god he can be such a pompous bum licking acre wipe at times.

“Fine!!!!!!!!” and I stomped back to Jeff’s room using every curse word I knew.

GGGRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Jeff looked up from the mag he was reading; headphones hung round his neck. He raised his eyebrows in response to the cursing, “ OOOkay kid!!!! I will now leave you to your Colourful words!!!” He got up and walked out.

COLOURFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My ass!!!!!!!!!! I could certainly come up with words that would make the rainbow look dull!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moron!!! How damn insensitive can he get!!!! GGGRRRR!!!!! *KNOCK*

I looked up towards the door and watched it swing open,

“ Hey Wassup Jeff?” I raised my eyebrows. “ Oh!!!! Hi Sam!! Where’s Jeff?” JEFF! Which boy was Amy actually sleeping with here???!!!!

“ Not here!!!!” Jesus why won’t anyone just piss off and leave me the hell alone to think about what I’m going to do to solve the problem with my dad!!!!

Amy, little bitch, jumped back and smiled at my sarcasm. Out of everyone she’s the only one who actually finds it funny. Strange girl!!!!!

“ Well I kinda gathered that with you been in here and not Jeff!!!” What’s she implying that I can’t be in the same room with Jeff, let alone his bedroom!

“ What’s that meant to mean?????”

“ Well nothing! Jeez shouldn’t you be at a wedding reception or something?”

“ No!!!! Shouldn’t you be shagging Matt???????”

What? I’m not in the mood to be tactful not today things have gone from bad to worst!!!!!!!

“ BITCH!!!!!! Who the hell do you think you are? Just remember who the wrestler is here and who the 18 year old brat is!!!!!!!”

“ Yeah but I’ll take you on any day and most probably succeed in kicking your ass!!!!!”

“ Well then lets go!!!!!”

And so I let rip!!!!!!! Believe me I knew how to fight. Hell come on I’d grown up with Lucy and lived near Bradford in England!!!!!!!!!!!

Some where during the fight Jeff had walked back in, “ What the HELL?????”

He grabbed me around the waist and tried to pull me off the top of Amy whom I’m proud to announce was getting the crap beaten out of her. Jeff only succeeded in getting knocked on his ass!!!!!!

“ SAMANTHA GET THE HELL OFF MY GIRLFRIEND RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!” Matt yelled at me and helped Jeff pull me up.

Jeff wrapped his arms around me whispering into my ear to calm down. Matt helped Amy up from the floor, her eye already bruising and blood pouring from her nose.

Matt surveyed the damage on Amy then glared at me, “ Bitch!!!”

I just glared back making no attempt to attack him or get out of Jeff’s warm grip.

When Amy and Matt had left the room Jeff let go and turn me around to face him. I expected to be berated and was surprised to see him smiling, “ MAN!!!! I’ve wanted to do that for the past week. She has been so high on herself just cos she’s sleeping with the almighty Matt!!!!!!!!!!” OOOO!!!!! BITCHY!!!!!!!! “ I mean come off it he can’t be that good in bed!!!!!!!” Yeah he’s right I would certainly go with Jeff any day!!!!!!!

“ She pissed me off!!!!!!”

Jeff laughed and jumped onto the bed.

Day 10. (Finally the day has come to the week!!!!!)

Sorry tacky Rock impression.

I can’t believe what happened yesterday! First I beat the crap out of Amy! Then me and Jeff just lay there for hours on his bed just talking about fuck all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAD to sleep in Jeff’s room last night. (I am telling the truth!) Because dad was still in my room, but I didn’t mind ‘cause I am a good little girl (and Jeff said “Sleep in my room tonight your dad won’t want to move”) I tell you he was totally hitting on me! But who am I to stop him? Would you if he was hitting on you? Come on be honest, would you?

“ Morning sleepy head.” oh God he just walked in a pair of boxers! And saw me laying on his bed in a pair of knickers and a tanker top writing my diary about him!!!!!!!!! How embarrassing!!!!

“ What you writing? What you writing about me?!” How does he know I am writing about him?! I hope he hasn’t read my diary! I hate guys who read other peoples diary’s just to find out what their thinking!

“ What makes you think I am writing about you? And it’s my diary.”

“ I saw my name, and can I read it please??? Please, please, please, please, please, please!!!!!!”

Oh god I hope he hasn’t just seen what I’ve just written about him!!!

“ Hey, no you can’t read it! A diary is a girls private space, if you kept a diary I bet you wouldn’t want me to go and read it would you?” God but if he did I would be in there like a cat out of hell!

“ Didn’t you hear me? I said please, please, please, please!!! I’ll be really, really nice to you.” Oh I have to admit he does look cute when he’s begging on his knees only in a pair of blue and white boxers!!! Oh how sexy he looked there and then! You should have seen it, have you ever seen a puppy wiper for food? And it does those eyes, well that’s the look that was on Jeff’s’ face! How adorable!!!

“ I heard you, but no way are you reading my diary!” Once I said that his face fell the same way Ivory’s face did.

“ Oh, ok. The shower is free if you want to go in?”

“ Oh thanks.” Oh come on you think he’s going to give up that easily? God if you do you really need to pay attention. As I headed towards the door, Jeff jumped up and wrapped his strong arms around my waist pulling me down to the bed with him. He started to tickle me unmercifully. I laughed helplessly until he started to ease up then mounted an attack of my own. I turned over so I was straddling him and tickled him till he submitted. I stood up and in my best announcer voice said, “ And the winner, by submission is The Great and Almighty Sam.” Jeff laughed, and I smiled down on him then turned and headed for the bathroom.

By the time I had got back to his room he was dressed. (If you can call a pair of combats and a fish net top been dressed.) He was lying on his bed just smiling. That’s all he did just lay there and smiled at me.

“You know a picture will last longer.” Well what else can I say when the sexiest man in the world is just laid there smiling at you?

Day 11

The Miss Trust!!!!!!

Well my worst nightmare has just come true, the guy I’ve always liked, always put my trust in has gone and put the my trust into a loo role then ripped it up and flushed it down the loo!!!!!

If u can’t guess who the ‘guy’ is, I’ll tell ya. The guy is JEFF!!!!! You wouldn’t guess what the git has gone and done!!! Well here’s the list:

He read my diary.

He told Matt and Amy what I had written.

They all had a big laugh about all my feelings and deepest thought’s.

He’s now trying to say sorry!!

Last of all, he’s still laughing and taking the piss out of me.

Well I don’t really want to talk about that anymore.

My best mate AJ (Alice or Ranma_Lunatic) is coming around, you know for the usual things that us girls do, shopping, talk, shopping, talk, shopping, boy hunting, talk, shopping, eat, talk, shopping!!

Later: About 11:45 a.m. AJ arrives.

" Hiya girl. What we waiting for let me have a look around this place! And let me look at the boys!!!" AJ is normally like this, especially when she’s seen her baby. ( Elijah)

" Okay. Problem on the boy part though as they’ve gone out thankfully. They’re been real gits lately."

So I showed her around the Hardy residence and then took her up to Jeff’s room for the usual girlie talk. We but on some of Jeff’s loud music and danced around a bit before getting down to the serious gossip. I mean come on I was living with celebrities here. There’s bound to be many questions on how they live!!!!!!!

Told her all about the diary problem. She was so angry, when Jeff walked in she almost killed him!!!

After the nice long bitch fight with Jeff, and into the front room:

" I can’t believe that asshole!!! God my baby would never do that!!!" AJ is a very sensitive girl, but also has one hell of a punch!!

" Yeah but All if you found that he did you would put him straight into hospital!!!!!! A bit like you almost did to Jeff!!!" We both had a laugh at him. Then she told me about all the sad and pathetic lies Kat (an old enemy from England) had been spreading about her self!!! God the thing’s she was spreading were mad!!! Saying that she was pregnant!! And that she was going to China!!!!!!! I tell ya, Kat has got to be mentally disturbed!!! Big time!!!!!!!

We went shopping, like I said before, that is one of the old hooking up with old friend’s traditions! We did that until about 6 p.m. We walked into to the house laughing our heads off, just to find our bubble popped!!!! Turns out that mum knew nothing of AJ coming around!!! Come on that is the biggest lie told!!! I told Jeff two days ago to tell mum!!!!

Ok never mind I found the lose connection. Jeff didn’t tell her, just so he could see me plead!!!

A couple of hours later: mum decided that she believed me, more than she did Jeff! Which is a good thing might I add.

Well talk to you tomorrow, time for my little midnight feast with AJ!!!!!! I’ll tell ya if the foods any good.

Night!

Day 12, The Upset…Or…The Pride?

Saw dad moping around the house, like he’s been doing lately. Well since then wedding thing. It’s really upsetting to see your own daddy so upset. Sometimes I think my life is bad, but when I look at him I realise that I my life isn’t that bad, and I suppose living with Ive wouldn’t have been that bad!!!! Anything is better than seeing my papa bear like this!!!!!

"Dad? Are you all right in there? Do you want a drink or anything?" He’s stopped eating!!! Well he eats little when he does!!! I think it’s time I made a deal with Ive, whether or not I like it!!

" No thanks Sam. " I’ve got to find her number, and fast.

Couple of searching hours later:

Found Ives number and gave her a ring:

" Hello?"

" Erm…hi. It’s me…Sam." Well like I said anything is better than seeing my papa like that, even if that means swallowing all my pride and saying sorry to the one HE loves!!!!!!!

" Oh!! Hi Sam…I didn’t think I would be hearing from you…well not for a long time anyway."

" Erm yeah. Look…maybe I was a bit hard on you when you with my dad. It’s just…well you see…"

" You were only trying to keep your dad safe. Right?"

" Right. I didn’t want you to take him away. It sounds stupid doesn’t it?" Well I can tell ya I sounded really REALLY SAD!!!!!!!! There goes all my pride!!! All in one gulp!!!

" No I don’t think your stupid. I would have done the same thing, if it were my mum or dad. Look, if you don’t mind me asking…how is your dad?" Well which story should I tell? The one where he’s going round the house with a big smile on his face, and when anyone asked how he was he said "I am fine!!!! Never happier!!!! And I am so over Ivory!!!! Don’t even remember who she is!!!!!!!!!!!" Or the truth? That dad hasn’t been out of my room much since the wedding, and had wanted me to call her over here so he could talk things over with her.

I opted for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Amen.

Ivory’s response was, as I thought, one that needed more enthusiasm behind it

" Oh!" She needed to say more.

" So will you?"

" Will I what?" God this girl is really dense some times!!!!

" Will you come over so he can talk to you?"

" Umm…listen Sam I care about your dad a great deal…" Great, here comes the but.

" But…" What did I tell ya!? " I really don’t think I can face him at the moment."

" I understand that Ive but couldn’t you ring him and talk to him?"

"Sam, Sam, Sam…"Time to plead with, and put on the pathetic girl act.

" Ive it’s killing me to see him like this!!!!!!!!" God how low am I going to have to stoop??!! This is serious punishment for what I did at the wedding!! I had to do something!

Something must have worked, as she sighed, " I’ll see what I can do Sam. But I’m not promising anything." Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!

" Oh thank-you Ivory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Other pleasant words and that’s the end of that conversation. And look I didn’t even have to say the word SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not bad for one little phone call, is it???

Jeff’s still getting my ‘bitchy treatment’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well that’s how Gee put it. By the way that’s the new name for Gilly boy.

Well all I have to do now is wait for that phone call from Ive to see my dad crying. But this time tears of joy!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah the food wasn’t bad. But it was a shame to say bye to AJ. God I really miss Merry Old England. Well that’s what the Americans call it anyway.

Night.

Disclaimer: I don’t own anyone but Sam and Dad and Mum.

Day 13.

“Sam!” oh god Dad’s mad, “SAMANTHA! Get your hairy yellow arse down these stairs at once, young lady!!!” oh dear I think I’m in deep trouble, don’t you?

I plodded my way downstairs like any normal rebellious teenage thug would walk and said in a little voice, (which is hard for me because I am the loud mouth, I could shout for Britain. Well if I had to that is.)

“ Yes daddy?”

“ Don’t daddy me young lady! You recognise this?!?” oh my god! How the hell did he get hold of that! My God it’s got all the things about Ive in there! (If you haven’t guessed, you’re dense but I’ll help you out, it’s my diary.)

“ Dad!!! Give me it back!!! That’s very personal!”

“ How could you?!? GOD Sam you’re my little girl!!! I thought you wanted me happy??? But I thought WRONG!!!!!!”

“ Dad I can explain,” SHIIIITTTT!!!!

“ Oh I bet you can!!!!!!!!!! First, you hurt her!!!!! Then you destroy my wedding!!!!!!!!!! And after it all, you can only think about yourself and your precise bedroom!!!!!!!!!!! Well let me tell you something young lady! You can have your room back!!!!!!!!!! You selfish Mother Fu-”

“That’s it! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND listen to me for once!!!!!” Well he was going a bit over the top.

“SAM!!!!!!”

“NO!!!! I ….I Felt really bad for what I did!!!!! And, Hey, you brought me up better!!!!!!! So, I swallowed my last shred of dignity. My DIGNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And paid her a call, (ON the telephone stupid.) Yeah Dad I did that!!!!!! I got her to talk, I told her everything, (Well it’s sort of true). All about the plan and how I felt about her and you know what?????????? IT was the only heart to heart I have had with another woman or girl since I was 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Air need Air.

“ So Dad you think I’m a ‘ Selfish Mother Fucker now???????????”

“ Sam Language!!!!! And NO, I don’t. God Sam I read this and lost it.( Well Yeah you know I noticed!!!!!!) Sam I am so sorry.” He’s coming for a hug!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!NO!!!!!!

“Don’t Dad. We don’t have time. Ivory called ten minutes ago to say that she was coming over to sort things out… So go get DRESSED!!!!!!”

“ Oh thanks Sam.”

“Yeah, yeah…I am the best. God I’ve been telling you that since I was able to talk!!!!!! And I want one hell of a big birthday present!!!!!!!! You hear me??!!!”

“HAHAHA!!! Yeah I hear you!! Loud and clear!!”

Hey again! Ever since this afternoon I’ve been thinking about my DIARY! Fact is this diary contains so many damn secrets. Just over the past fortnight it’s got me into trouble with Dad, Jeff and Matt. I think it’s time to put the pen away and close the book. Who knows one day I might even come back and write again but ‘til the

C Ya.

P.S.

As in all stories we lived happily ever after ( Well not quite,) Ive and Dad got married ( I now have a baby bro) and Mum and gil are happily married along with Matt and Amy. Well C YA SAM.