atarigirlslatté

order dish bulletin

Microsoft Chose Atari Man

Microsoft rubbed wads of dirty cash into the face of former Atari marketing "guru", Alistair Bodin, in the stupidest move in video game history since "WWF : Backdoor Assualt". After seeing their ill-fated xbox console flopping in Japan, they have turned to the experienced mind massager to change their fortune.

"Some kids bought our machine in the first week" explains deputy vice president of marketing (asian division), Shane Macgowan, "but, then they started to realising it was shit. And the CD drive managed to scratch all the games on it."

Negative publicity has forced many retailers to withdraw large quanties of the Microsoft console.

"Removing the stocks is difficult" reports Akihabara based Import Games and Schoolgirl Porn salesman, Yosuki Mikoki "mainly due to their size. We have to use industrial machinery to lift each box."

The tiny Japanese have been dwarved by the gigantic new console - which is actually the equivalent size to an average Tokyo appartment block. Houses have had to be demolished as hardcore gamers expanded their gaming areas to acommodate the new machine.

But after a first week of mediocre sales, the xbox has slumped down the Japanese charts with even the ropey old PlayStation2 (already owned by the entire population) now outselling it 2:1

"Desperate times call for desperate measures." apoligises MacGowan "and at this point, we are fucking desperate. We need someone with experience of selling a failing American consoles to an uninterested Japanese populous, and Bodin is hugely experienced in the field of failure."

"I can't believe they want me!" cried a gleefull Bodin, struggling under the weight of an enormous money sack. "I showed them my promotional posters we made for the Jaguar in Japan. I think they highlight quite why the Jaguar was as successful as it was."

Evil Advertising

Bruno Bonnel has dug his grubby fingers into his giant money pockets in order to finance a huge marketing campaign for future Atari products.

"J'avais beacoup de cash et je suis spendez liberalie" he might have said, yesterday.

Advertising agency Shaftez, Creamov & Wancstein have won the lucrative portfolio.

"We have been spending their money like crazy!" laughed SC&W PR timewaster, Melissa Forrskin.

But the official line is somewhat different, as CEO David Botemwipe explained :
"Our brief was to deliver the most cost effective global advertising solution for our clients. We had a strict goal of delivering material which grabs the zeitgeist by the bollocks and shakes its loose change from its pockets. Our creative department have done a superlative job of building material that connects with the contempary customer whilst maintaing broad appeal".

Fortunately for us, Miss Forrskin translated this corporate geekspeak into plain English: "Basically, we wanted to hire a big hollywood celebrity to promote this product, but found we had already blown all the cash on PDAs, coke and micro scooters so we got Evil of Dead Hackers Society in instead."

That new atari advert in full :

Café Fuji LeftOvers

For older news from the tables & toilets of Café Fuji, visit our news archive:

Old News