(Vernon)"Well, well here we are. I want to congratulate you for being on time."
(Claire)"Excuse me, sir, I think there's been a mistake. I know this is detention but I don't think I belong in HERE."
(Vernon)"It is now 7:06, you have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to think about why you're here, ponder the error of your ways. You may not talk, youwill not move from these seats. And you...you will not sleep. Alright, people, we are going to try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay, no less than a thousand words describing to me who you think you are."
(Bender)"Is this a test?"
(Vernon)"And when I say essay, I mean essay, I do not mean a single word repeated 1000 times. Is that clear, Mr. Bender?"
(Bender)"Crystal." (Vernon) "Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself, maybe you'll decide whether you care to return."
(Brian)I can answer that now, sir, that'd be no, no for me, sir ca... "
(Vernon) "Sit down, Mr. Johnson." (Brian) "Yes, sir."
"Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?" (Bender on pricipal Vernon's clothing)
"That man is a brownie hound." (Bender)
"yeah i wanna be just like you. i figure all i need is a labotamy and some tights." (Bender on Andrew's wrestling career)
"Why does Andrew get to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!" (Bender)
"Screws just fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place." (Bender)
"Excuse me Sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?"(Claire)
"Oh God, you richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.." (Bender)
"Well, I don't know any lepers, but I'm not going to run out and join one of their fucking clubs"(Bender)
"So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?" (Bender on Brian's Physics club)
"You're right....it's wrong to destroy literature.....it's such fun to read." (Bender on the joys of reading)
"Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language." (Bender to Andrew)
"You're a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie. What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?" (Bender on Brian's geek status)
"Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor." (Andrew)
"Better stop eatin' your hand or you won't be hungry for lunch." (Bender to Allison)
"You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth, and you're gonna eat THAT?"(Bender to Claire on her lunch of shushi)
Claire: Can I eat? Bender: I don't know...give it a try.
(Bender) "Did your mother marry Mr. Rogers?" (Brian) "No, Mr. Johnson."
"This is my impression of a day at big Bri's house. Son!? Yea, dad? How was your day? Great, dad! How was yours? Super! Say, son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend?! Great, dad! But, I've got homework to do. Thats ok, son, you can do it on the boat! Gee! Honey, isn't our son swell? Yes dear, isn't life swell?" (Bender)
"See this? About the size of a cigar. This is what you get at my house when you spill paint in the garage. Do I stutter?" (Bender on parental abuse)
"Stoopid, worthless, no good god damn freeloading son of a bitch, retarded bigmouth know-it-all asshole jerk....you forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful--SHUTUP BITCH! Go fetch me a turkey pot pie!" (Bender's impression of his home life)
"Claire, would you ever consider dating a guy with elephantitis of the nuts? If you went on a date with him you'd probably have to ride in the back seat because his nuts would ride shotgun." (Bender)
(Dick Vernon) "What if your home... what if your family... what if your *dope* was on fire?" (Bender) "Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear."
"Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to but you can't, and when you do you wish you didn't, right?" (Allison)
"I never did it either. I'm not a nymphomaniac. I'm a compulsive liar."(Allison)
(Andrew)"What do you need a fake I.D. for?"(Brian) So I can vote!
(Allison) "You have problems" (Andrew) "Oh, I have problems!" (Allison) "YOU DO EVERYHTING EVERYONE TELL YOU TO DO AND THAT IS A PROBLEM."
(Andrew) "OK fine, but I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite everyone into my problems."
"A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other she lays the poodle on the bar and the bartender says, so i guess you won't be needing a drink with that. Naked lady say....oh shit!!!!!!!!"(Bender's infamous unfinished joke)
"Don't ever talk about my friends, you don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends, and you certainly wouldn't condesend to speak with any of my friends. Just stick to the things you know; shopping, nail polish, your dad's BMW, and your poor rich drunk mother in the Carribean. And as for worrying about what will happen when we walk through the hallways of school together you can forget it, cuz its never gonna happen. Just bury your head in the sand, and waiting for your fucking prom!" (Bender dissing Claire's lifestyle)
(Bender)"You are such a fucking idiot." (Brian) "I'm an idiot because I don't know how to make a lamp?"
(Bender) "No. You're a genius because you don't know how to make a lamp."
(Brian)"Well did you know that without physics there would be no engineering?"
(Bender)"......without lamps ther'd be no light!"
"When you grow up, your heart dies." (Allison)
"Your intensity is for shit,WIN,WIN,WIN!!" (Andrew on his father's wrestling "pep talks")
"Your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling." (Bender to Andrew once he finds out how phsyco both their dad's are)
"it was a flare gun. it went off in my locker...shut up, it's not funny...yea I guess it is...the fucking elephant was destroyed!" (Brian on his "suicide" attempt with a flare gun for getting on F on his elephant lamp project)
"You want to know what I did to get detention? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do." (Allison)
(Claire)"Were you totally disgusted by what I did with my lipstick?"(Bender)"Truth?"*nods* "No."
"You know how you said before, how your parents use you to get back at each other? Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?"(Bender to Claire)
Dear Mr. Vernon. We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong but we think you're crazy making us write this essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us..in the simplest terms..you see us as a brain, an athlete, a basket-case, a princess and a criminal. (Brian's essay)
(Bender) "why do you have so much shit in your purse?" (Claire) "why do you have do many girlfriends?"(Bender) "i asked you first?" (Claire)"i dunno i guess i never throw anything out" (Bender) me neither."
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