Legions of connoisseur
historians were compelled into shock this afternoon as remarkable new
information came to light regarding the alleged death of renowned scientist,
astronomer, and mathematician Sir Isaac Newton. Local dentist Les Finckle discovered a body believed to be the
knighted luminary in an abandoned skip in north Hackney, behind a less than
reputable fishmonger. The police were
notified, but they soon had to summon Coroner Pete Borswhip (Archaeology Section)
to make sure the body was removed in one piece. Six hours and several bottles of super glue later, the body was
impounded in Metropolitan Police Archaeological Finds Freezer, ready to be
examined. Experts were shocked as
genuine identification on the carcass revealed the deceased to be no less than
Sir Isaac Newton!
This amazing discovery
puts paid to the previous belief that Newton had died a peaceful death in 1727
– and, in addition, that his body lies in Westminster Abbey. Whose body does lie there is a
mystery, and is likely to remain so until the Bishop of Westminster returns
from his forty-two month vigil for ‘personal solace’ on his private Caribbean
island, on which he embarked last week.
His permission is required to do any investigative work; this consent
would be acutely controversial, given that Queen Victoria’s former gardener and
at least four of the present Queen’s deceased corgis currently lie on top of
the original coffin.
Toffee-nosed witness
Finckle thought the body, wrapped in rotted cheesecloth, to be no more than a
commonplace corpse, often seen deposited in unsavoury venues in London’s east
end. He was amazed to hear of the
stiff’s identity: “Oh! Isaac Newnton?! My, it’s a sad day. To be a part of his death is not something
I’m proud of. I’ve always had the
greatest of respect for that man. Why,
it was only last week that I said to my wife – I said, ‘what ever happened to
that Isaac Ninton? We never hear of him
anymore.’ She said she agreed, and she thought it a terrible shame. Isaac
Kinton was one of the best-looking men in our times, she said – upon which I
hit her with a flowered print napkin, and she didn’t say any more. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again,
Isaac Klinton was undoubtedly one of those men whose well-intentioned actions
garnered him fame and fortune, and he deserved every minute of it! I’m sorry to see his death.”
The time of death was
found to be between four and six pm, Thursday afternoon, making him a stately
360 years and 51 days old at his demise.
This landmark will land him a place in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest verifiable life (only ‘relevant’ or ‘confirmable’ (read
‘recent’) history is accepted by the Guinness experts), to add to his many
accomplishments.
However, tragically,
Newton did not die a natural death, according to the post-mortem. A sharp blow to the back of his head caused
a violent and spasmodic downfall for the celebrated physicist. The body was evidently moved after death to
the place of discovery. The
investigation continues.
* * * * * * *
The latest enquiries found
traces of orange segments around Newton’s mouth, while the murder weapon is
likely to be a ‘soft, round object travelling at high speed’.
* * * * * * *
Police have made arrests
in pursuance of their latest theory as to the suspicious death of Sir Isaac
Newton. Chief Inspector Carmen
Espervila revealed his hypothesis to our exclusive coverage this afternoon: “We
believe Sir Isaac Newton to have been partaking in a spot of lunch in a private
corner of Hyde Park. His theories have
not been greeted with much enthusiasm over the past few centuries, so we
believe he returned to the spot of his greatest triumph – under an apple tree –
to try to rekindle his former glories.
While enjoying a particularly luscious slice of Seville orange, Newton
was set upon unawares by a exceptionally vicious soft scarlet fruit – likely to
be an apple – who hurtled with intent from a nearby branch, killing Mr Newton
instantly. We believe Newton’s
consumption of an orange – the apple’s sworn enemy – to be the motive. We are still investigating the removal of
the body from Hyde Park to the Hackney skip.”
Police are pursuing
charges of manslaughter against the apple tree.
