AmyJo's Zonkboard Humiliation
X - AmyJo: Hey, what should I send Jonnie in return for my Nixon paperclip?
X - belle: Last year I got zann's present too, hahaha
X - AmyJo: and what should I use the paperclip for?
X - boz: something you can get for free on Castro Street, besides AIDs
X - AmyJo: You can get people to pray for you if you give them a quarter.
X - boz: frame the clip and put it in a place of honor
X - Ryan White: do you mind? I'm a little sensitive here
X - AmyJo: I didn't even think of the Castro, but...of course! Maybe I'll send Jonnie a guide to the handkerchief code...
X - boz: oh yeah, you got her pencils, those would have been so perfect for her too!
X - belle: wear it in your hair
X - AmyJo: Yeah, that AIDS comment was pretty lame. But you're a white, old Midwesterner who was also in the military, so I wouldn't expect anything better.
X - boz: I saw Cruising, I am familiar with the handkerchief code
X - AmyJo: The hair thing is good. That would be very hip.
X - belle: haaarsh
X - AmyJo: People would be like, um, you have a paperclip in your hair and I'd be like, I know, it belonged to NIXON.
X - belle: you would OWN that paperclip
X - AmyJo: Sorry. That came out meaner than I meant it to. I am very sensitive on behalf of the gays. I love the Castro. Sorry Boz, you aren't old or closed minded. You know how hot I am for you, right? (and I mean that really really respectfully) and I love the military. My mom works with them and she'd wash my mouth out if I said anything mean.
X - boz: ?
X - AmyJo: Seriously! I'm sorry. Can I please have a smiley face????
X - belle: people are very sensitive around the holidays, especially x-mas in june in february
X - belle: last year boz and i almost got into a fist fight
X - boz: ?
X - belle: is it sad that i love my new ringtone so much that i keep calling myself to hear it?
X - AmyJo: ?
X - AmyJo: is your ringtone attached to a gizmo that gives you a very special feeling deep inside?
X - belle: i think that means "bad idea"
X - belle: no, if it was then i would be less pathetic
X - AmyJo: I know. It is the closest I could come to a repentant face. I use the zonk icons expressionistically.
X - AmyJo: Does your ringtone sound like a nightingale in a golden glade?
X - belle: I know what you can do to make it up to Boz
X - AmyJo: Boz, if you stop being hurt by me overshooting in my sarcasm, I will send you a present.
X - AmyJo: ooh, what can I do?
X - belle: dedicate "Candle in the Wind" to him
X - boz: ?
X - AmyJo: on an audiopost?
X - boz: ?
X - AmyJo: I could do that! I could do that in about two hours!
X - AmyJo: It will be a capella.
X - belle: He might forgive you then
X - AmyJo: Would that do it, Bozzie?
X - belle: I had to audiopost my apology to him last time in order to get his forgiveness
X - boz: ?
X - AmyJo:?
X - belle: you also should pretend that you are singing live at Farm Aid IV
X - AmyJo: Boz is so mad he is only speaking in signs.
X - AmyJo: Ok. I will get my housemates to make mooing noises in the background.
X - belle: He is waiting for your dedication
X - AmyJo: Belle, I am so glad you are here to negotiate the terms of this treaty.
X - AmyJo: I am still at work! I have to do it from home. Singing "Candle In the WInd" would be the last straw. I would get fired.
X - boz: ?
X - belle: i do weddings, too
X - AmyJo: Too bad I am not marrying boz anymore.
X - AmyJo: I need the lyrics!
X - boz: you had your chance there, I made a heartfelt proposal and you made light of it !
X - AmyJo: All I know is: it seemed to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind...
X - boz: I was humiliated
X - AmyJo: No, I didn't make light of it. I composed a post in 12 sections because I was so moved by it.
X - belle: click me for the lyrics, but i think you should substitute "Boz" for "norma jean"
X - AmyJo: Boz, not true. You left me for Rosa because she is old school !
X - elton john: click my name
X - belle: boz was already married
X - AmyJo: Thanks Belle. er, I am not sure of the tune. So it may be more of a spoken-word type thing.
X - elton john: wow, belle we think too much alike, will you marry me?
X - belle: yes, elton, i will! at Farm Aid!
X - boz: no, it must be song!!!
X - belle: how can you not know Candle in the Wind?
X - AmyJo: It's Sir Elton, so you would be Lady Belle.
X - AmyJo: I lived outside the US for most of the 80s!
X - belle: Have you never been to Farm Aid?
X - belle: Unacceptable
X - boz: so did elton john and he knows the tune
X - belle: hahahaha
X - belle: go to ryanwhite.com, they probably have it playing on the site
X - AmyJo: Hahaha! I can sing "The Rose". Is that comparable?
X - boz: you know, I don't believe that jon benet ramsey is really dead, I think she is just in hiding until she turns 18 and then she will reappear, enter the Miss America contest and win with a landslide sympathy vote
X - AmyJo: I know the tune to the chorus, but not to the verses. Is it the same tune?
X - belle: no way to "the rose"
X - AmyJo: Oh, you like Elton but not Bette? Aren't they practically the same person?
X - belle: Bette doesn't dedicate "The Rose" to all the dead people in the world
X - boz: call up the local classic rock station and beg them to play it for you, tell them you will even come on their morning shock jock show and humiliate yourself if they play it for you
X - AmyJo: The Rose was dedicated to a dead woman. Ok, Boz, I will wing Candle in the Wind. I am sure I can do it. It will be worth the humiliation just to be back in your good graces.
X - AmyJo: Because I say Love, it is a flower, and you, it's only seed.
X - boz: oh yeah, you have to sing it naked in front of your open living room window
X - AmyJo: I mean its only seed.
X - belle: while holding a can of peas
X - boz: green giant brand peas
X - belle: no substitutions
X - boz: and you must furnish an affadavit with the signature of five different people who are not related to you saying that you did indeed sing it naked in front of your open living room window holding a can of green giant brand peas
X - AmyJo: Ok, this is getting to be too much. I will sing it naked, but no affadavits. You just have to trust me. You'll hear the nakedness in my voice. ANd I will not buy any goddam peas. Peas are gross. They are like boogers.
X - boz: do you have anything to add to that belle?
X - belle: you HAVE to get the peas
X - belle: the peas are symbolic of Farm Aid IV
X - AmyJo: No PEAS
.
X - boz: yes, you must do as belle wants, because when you insult me, you insult belle
X - belle: how can we trust you after all you said about boz?
X - AmyJo: Fine, peas, nudity, Elton John, that is it, the terms have been set. No more negotiations.
X - boz: my nerves are still on a tether you know
X - belle: we need proof of peas, too
X - AmyJo: I didn't say anything about Boz he hasn't said about himself.
X - boz: pictures, there must be pictures, or an accurate artists rendering of the event
X - AmyJo: I will read the ingredients from the back of the can. No way can anyone make those up. Kay?
X - AmyJo: I will do an artist's rendering and mail it to you.
X - AmyJo: On the back of the label from the peas.
X - boz: belle, is that acceptable?
X - AmyJo: email me your address again.
X - belle: Hmm
X - boz: yeah, email you my address, so you can alert the feds, right!!!
X - AmyJo: I will also send the receipt for the peas.
X - belle: don't do it, boz!
X - AmyJo: Fine, I will mail it to Jonnie for his archives instead.
X - belle: Ok, I can live with these terms
X - AmyJo: what were they again?
X - AmyJo: Oh, and after this I must be declared Old School.
X - boz: oh yeah, and you have to wite "I like Ike" in magic marker on your forehead
X - belle: you must SING "Candle in the Wind" substituting in Boz's name for Norma Jean or Marilyn Monroe, in the nude, in front of an open window, while holding a can of Green Giant peas and then send proof
X - AmyJo: Ok, but no magic marker, and I will be officially declared old school on site.
X - belle: being declared old school is something that just happens, we can't do it for you
X - boz: yeah, email it to me, I'm on to your "oh please boz, send me your home address" scam
X - belle: unless you do the magic marker thing, then we can talk
X - boz: and this whole conversation will be copied and posted too!
X - boz: fine!!!
X - belle: and if you do not do it all accordingly you will be banished!
X - belle: i wish i had the power to banish people
X - boz: I wish I had the power to turn chicken shit into chicken salad
X - boz: or vice versa
X - belle: yum!
X - belle: I wish i had the power to turn people into muffins
X - AmyJo: I can turn chicken salad into shit.
X - boz: I wish I had the power to turn muffins into chicken salad
X - AmyJo: Here is what I am willing to do: buy peas, sing naked,document said naked singing with peas, audiopost it, and send the pea lable to Boz. No magic marker. i will risk banishment. Sometimes you have to keep your dignity.
X - AmyJo: Now I am hungry.
X - belle: ok, fine, I will accept this
X - boz: will you wear ankle socks instead of the magic marker of I Like Ike?
X - belle: no, she has to be naked
X - AmyJo: I always wear ankle socks. Especially when I am singing naked.
X - boz: it's a done deal then!!!
X - belle: i wish i had the power to turn muffins into Mike & Ikes
X - boz: ?
X - AmyJo: I need your address, though. Or should I send the stuff to Jonnie? (who understands me)
X - AmyJo: ?
X - boz: oh man, remember the cherry cola mike and ikes you got for XIJ last year!
X - boz: no, I will send you my address
X - belle: mmmm! I do!
X - belle: this is why i'm hesitant to sign up for XIJIF, how can it top XIJ?
X - boz: send me the ankle socks too?
X - AmyJo: heh heh heh. It's all turning out exactly as I planned.
X - boz: and anything else you might have in your dirty clothes hamper
X - AmyJo: Oh my god, now that's dirty! They are pink and have battleships on them. My mom got them from a naval ship in Okinawa.
X - belle: but not your sheets!
X - AmyJo: Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!
X - boz: oh man, sometimes I am so funny I even make my ownself laugh!
X - AmyJo: No, sheets are your province, Belle.
X - AmyJo: Are you hoping to get enough DNA to clone me for your nefarious purposes?
X - boz: I was in Okinawa too
X - belle: a girl has to make a living
X - AmyJo: Just keep my clone away from starchy foods and you'd have a nice little package on your hands.
X - boz: yeah, it's the dna I'm after, busted!!
!
X - AmyJo: I know you were. We have a ton in common besides our dimples, dear Boz.
X - AmyJo: I really can't send you the socks. I love them too much.
X - belle: what if boz is really your father?
X - boz: your mother isn't Japanese and toothless is she Amyjo?
X - belle: maybe one fateful night in Okinawa your mother and boz "met"
X - AmyJo: Boz isn't my father. Thank god. That would make me extremely DIRTY.
X - boz: cause you lust after me, right?
X - AmyJo: But it's possible they attended the same fateful toga party. I am gonna check my mom's photo albums from that era.
X - AmyJo: I really do, Boz. It gets worse every day. First the biceps, then the beard photos, I am all verklemmt.
X - AmyJo: If you had better posture I would be a goner.
X - boz: it's the back, that's the best I can do, but go ahead discriminate against a cripple
X - AmyJo: In fact, I am zonking from the Grand Ennui just so I can look at your beard right now.
X - AmyJo: Slouching does not a cripple make.
X - boz: fine!
X - AmyJo: Oh you're just weirded out by this so you had to change the subject and pick out the one point that I wasn't all excited over.
X - boz: did you notice I am wearing the same shirt in the first two pics, honestly I had more than one.
X - AmyJo: Do you still have that plaid shirt? Can I have it? I will trade you my dirty laundry for it.
X - boz: I had a matching one in green and blue plaid
X - AmyJo: Snap front?
X - boz: nope, button
X - boz: I had some snap front at the time though
X - AmyJo: Damn! I was fantasizing that it was snappable. Tear away in one swift motion, etc.
X - AmyJo: Snaps are the greatest.
X - boz: I do have a black and white check that is snappable
X - AmyJo: Yow!
X - AmyJo: I had a snap shirt on yesterday, come to think of it.
X - boz: maybe I will make a video post of me ripping it open if I am satisfied with you audio post
X - AmyJo: Oh my God, my heart just stopped!
X - AmyJo: you wouldn't toy with me, would you Boz?
X - AmyJo: I have to look at those Nixon girls to regain my composure.
X - AmyJo: Almost time to head home, shuck the duds, buy some peas, sing a song.
X - AmyJo: Not in that order, quite.
X - boz: I just checked my closet, the black and white checked isn't snappable but ....
X - boz: I have another shirt that is
X - AmyJo: but????
X - AmyJo: Ahhh.
X - AmyJo: Ok, I am going to hit the road and spend the next hour on the bus thinking of snap front shirts, past present and future...
X - boz: ok
X - AmyJo: Bye.
X - boz: by