Fire
Lois Fogg
Email: SireneCall@hotmail.com
PG-13
[AuthorÕs Notes at the end]

Chapter Six: Denial [is not a river in Egypt!]

	Mina, Raye and Amy waited for me at the train station. I had
come at the last possible moment; classes started the next morning. I
could tell that they were worried about me. After I read DarienÕs letter,
I had refused to talk to anyone for a week. Mina had been rather
persistent, calling me practically every day, and I guess that she had
talked to Raye and Amy about it as well. I was happy to see them,
although I didnÕt really want to talk about Darien. It was good to know
that at least some people still cared about me. Mina ran up and
catapulted herself at me almost as soon as I got off the train.
	ÒSerena, are you all right? What happened?Ó She could tell, I
suppose, just by looking at my eyes that something was wrong. But
Mina was like that. Raye and Amy hugged me as well, and I began to
feel overwhelmed. Maybe it would be good to talk about it, after all. I
had had to hide myself from my parents. I knew that they could never
understand me. As I looked in my friendsÕ faces, all the emotions that I
had bottled inside of me the past week came exploding to the surface
and I began to cry. I felt rather stupid, crying in the middle of a train
station, surrounded by three other girls, but it felt so necessary, that I
didnÕt even care.
	ÒCome on, Serena. LetÕs go to the bathroom and you can tell
us all about it.Ó Mina said. Raye helpfully supplied some tissues,
looking incredibly confused. Amy glanced at Mina, as if wondering
what she should do. We made it to the bathroom and, since no one else
was there at that particular moment, locked ourselves in.
	ÒI love you guys.Ó I said honestly, looking at my puffy face in
the mirror.
	ÒItÕs Darien, isnÕt it?Ó Amy said suddenly, looking triumphant.
I stared at her.
	ÒHow did you know?Ó I asked.
	ÒFirst, because heÕs the only one who can do this to you, and
second because I saw him yesterday and he looked almost exactly like
you did when you stepped off the train.Ó
I was angry at myself for feeling the first stirrings of hope
when Amy said that. I was nothing to him, his letter had explained that
patently to me. There was nothing left of our relationship for him to
regret. He must have been upset about something else. They were
looking at me expectantly. I took a deep breath and explained
everything to them. I did not need the letter, its words were branded on
my memory, forever. I had repeated his words to myself constantly,
this past week. I knew it was masochistic, but there were times that I
just couldnÕt believe that he didnÕt love me. He had said so, in fact, that
second to last day, but apparently he hadnÕt meant it. But when I
thought about that time on the beach, or those countless timesÑeven
before we admitted to each otherÑthat we argued in the ice cream
parlor, I could not believe that he did not love me. But that just showed
how much I knew, didnÕt it? MinaÕs expression mirrored the disbelief
on my face. Amy looked sad and RayeÕs expression was positively
unreadable.
	ÒSerena, why didnÕt you tell us?Ó Amy asked.
	ÒIÉI didnÕt tell anyone. I couldnÕt. I still love him. I canÕt
believe that this is happening.Ó
	ÒI canÕt believe that he would throw something like this
away!Ó Mina raged, suddenly. ÒDoesnÕt he understand what you two
have? God, I could just strangle him!Ó
	ÒI can understand it.Ó Raye said quietly, and we all looked at
her in disbelief. ÒI donÕt agree with him, but I can understand why he
feels like that. IÕm not exactly the richest person myself, and if his life
was as hard as all that, I can see why he wouldnÕt be able to be with
someone like Serena.Ó
	ÒWhat do you mean, someone like me?Ó I shouted, easily
sliding into one of my constant arguments with Raye. ÒI hate my
lifestyle. My fondest wish is to forget all of the crap my father throws
at me, but itÕs not like I can change how I was born or where I was! IÕm
sorry for Darien, more than I can say, but does he have to make my life
a living hell just because of the accident of my birth?Ó
	ÒI said I disagreed with him!Ó Raye retorted, angrily. ÒYes, he
should be able to look beyond that and to the person you really are. But
he must have known you were rich, even if he didnÕt know who your
father was, and he still dated you. That must have been the final straw,
when he found out.Ó
	RayeÕs words hit me like a lead bullet in the stomach. Of
course. I had known that something in our relationship was hurting him
deeply, but I could never understand it. The expression on his face
when the stranger had identified me had just been a stronger version of
the one I had seen several times before. But he had still allowed himself
to love me, then. If only I had been more observant, maybe I could
have stopped this before it happened. But I had lived in my own dream
world, and now he was gone, forever.
	ÒYou guys,Ó I said, crying again. ÒWhat am I supposed to
do?Ó
	No one answered me.

	He was in my government class. I hadnÕt known he was taking
it, I didnÕt mean for it to happen. In fact, I nearly dropped my books
when I saw him, sitting pensively in the second row of the lecture hall.
I panicked, staring blindly around me, praying to God that he wouldnÕt
see me. But it was as if some sixth sense had triggered him to my
presence, because almost as soon as I stepped in the door, he turned
around and stared. I held his eyes, frozen, for a moment. I saw his
emotions flit past: shock, relief, anger, sadness, and then he turned
away. Shaken, I moved from the doorway and took a seat in the far
back row. My first thought was that I should switch out of the class
immediately. How could I handle seeing him every day, like this, and
pretending that nothing was ever between us? But something within me
rebelled at the thought of backing down from him. If I respected myself
at all, I could not allow him to push me in a corner. I raised my chin
stubbornly, and glared at the back of DarienÕs neck. I had cried all
night, but I was not going to give him the pleasure of seeing what he
had done to me. I would be a happy and carefree SerenaÑat least
around him. I was disturbed from my thoughts by the girl next to me.
	ÒUmÉexcuse me, you wouldnÕt happen to have a pen, would
you?Ó She said, putting her hand behind her head in an embarrassed
fashion. ÒI think I forgot one.Ó She finished. I smiled at her.
	ÒSure, let me see.Ó I said, and rummaged through my bag,
looking for one. She stared in amazement at the pile of junk that
accumulated in front of my bag: an apple, several lollipops, caramel,
lots of tissues, an extra pair of socks and a walkman. Finally, I raised
my hand triumphantly, holding the pen.
	ÒHere it is!Ó I said breathlessly. She stared at me, her mouth
open. ÒDo you want it?Ó I asked, after a while.
	ÒIs thatÉa ÔRainbow BriteÕ pen?Ó She asked finally, disbelief
in her eyes.
	ÒWell,Ó I said, blushing, ÒI guess so. Sorry about that. If itÕs
too dorky or anythingÑÒ
	She started to laugh, and shook her head, ÒNo, no, donÕt
worry. I love it. I used to watch Rainbow Brite too.Ó She took the pen,
and stared at me again, a smile on her face.
	ÒMy name is Lita. Can I have a caramel?Ó
	ÒSure,Ó I said, brightening, and handed her a couple. It was
then that I noticed the extent of the disaster on the floor, and started
putting the junk back inside my bag.
	ÒIÕm Serena.Ó I said from the floor, holding my hand up for
her to shake. She laughed again and shook it, peering down to where I
was picking up the junk.
	ÒHow do you fit all that in there anyway?Ó She asked
curiously.
	ÒOh, I donÕt know, I just pick these things up, and then when I
need something, I have to dump them all out again. ItÕs a big pain. IÕve
been meaning to clean itÉÓ
	ÒBut havenÕt gotten around to it yet? I could tell that much.Ó
	I kept the apple, and sat up in the chair. I would have said
something, but the professor entered the room just then, and I busily
began taking notes.

	Two hours later, Lita and I stuffed ourselves in layers of warm
clothes and strolled outside.
	ÒDo you like ice cream?Ó Lita asked, and felt as if someone
had hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat. Did I like ice cream?
	ÒYes.Ó I said in a small voice, praying that she wasnÕt going
where I thought she was.
	ÒThereÕs this great ice cream place down the street,Ó Oh yes,
she was going there,Òcalled GliffordÕs. Do you want to go?Ó
	Well, it *had* been a long time since I had had a milkshake.
Of course, I couldnÕt possibly go if Darien were working there, but it
was the middle of the day and he still had classes. His shift wasnÕt until
later, so I was safe. Wiping the look of panic from my face, I smiled at
Lita.
	ÒSure, I love that place.Ó I said.
	ÒThen letÕs go,Ó she said, dragging me by my hand, ÒIÕm
going to freeze if we stay out here much longer.Ó
	Although I had known that Darien wouldnÕt be there, I still
felt relieved when I saw the zit-faced boy behind the counter. At least I
was safe now. I wasnÕt planning to do it, but the words escaped my
mouth before I could stop them.
	ÒCan I have a strawberry-chocolate milkshake with vanilla
syrup?Ó It had been so long since I had ordered one! Well, not so very
long, but that time in my life seemed impossibly far away. He looked at
me with a surprised expression, and then turned around to fill the order.
I breathed a sigh of relief, since he had not recognized me. Maybe I had
given myself too much credit. After all, having dated Darien Chiba is
not exactly cause for celebrity status.
	ÒHey, I know who you are!Ó He said, handing me my
milkshake, ÒArenÕt you that girl whose dating Darien?Ó Right, I
definitely thought too soon.
	ÒWas dating Darien, you should say.Ó I said, a little too
bitterly, I think. He blushed and Lita gave me a confused look. Why
was I always doing things like that? I ought to be able to control myself
better, I knew, but the very mention of Darien seemed to make me lose
all control over myself I ever had. Lita ordered a plain chocolate
milkshake and we sat down at the far table. She shook her long brown
ponytail out from under her hat, and placed it on the chair next to her.
	ÒSo *youÕre* the one who is dating Darien.Ó She said
reflectively, sipping her milkshake. I blushed furiously, and stared
angrily at the table. How had it gotten around so quickly? There was no
way I could get over him myself if everyone else kept reminding me
about him! The necklace seemed to burn into my chest painfully.
	Ò*Was* dating Darien.Ó I corrected with angry emphasis. ÒBut
he tabled that one officially.Ó
	ÒWoah!Ó Lita said, startled. ÒA little bitter, are we?Ó
	ÒSorry,Ó I muttered, staring into my milkshake. It wasnÕt as
good as the ones Darien made. ÒHowÕd you hear about it, anyway?Ó I
asked.
	ÒYou think any girl who held DarienÕs attention the way you
did would escape the notice of the entire college? I had to hear about
you, even if I didnÕt want to.Ó
	ÒHeÕs that popular?Ó I asked, smiling slightly.
	ÒHeÕs just the hottest thing on two legs, thatÕs all.Ó She said,
leaning back in her chair.
	I cracked a smile. ÒWell, thatÕs true, at least.Ó
	ÒSo, if you donÕt mind my asking, what happened? Last I
checked he was totally in love with you. DonÕt tell me he got bored?Ó
She said inquisitively. I wondered if I should tell her. It was strange, I
had just met Lita, but already she seemed like a close friend.
	ÒNo, I donÕt mind.Ó I said finally. ÒMaybe youÕll be able to
make more sense out of it than I have.Ó I told her an edited version of
the story, leaving out a lot of details of his childhood. I didnÕt think
Darien would appreciate it if I told his life story to the entire 
university.
I was tempted to tell her about the bunny, but something held me back.
It was his one incomprehensible gesture, the one thing he had done that
made me suspect he may still care about me, and I couldnÕt give up that
hope.
	ÒWell, thatÕs got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard! If
he canÕt see you for who you are, then he doesnÕt deserve to have you.Ó
She said, slapping the table for emphasis.
	ÒBut,Ó I said, dangerously close to tears, ÒI think he may still
love me. Do you really think I should give that up?Ó
	ÒGive what up?Ó Lita asked frankly. ÒHe was the one who
broke up with you. As far as heÕs concerned, whatever happened is in
the past. Pick up and get over it. Like I said, if heÕs going to be that
stupid, it definitely isnÕt good to wail after him like some lost sheep.Ó
	I stared at her, mouth open. Mina and the others had tiptoed
around me since I told them, but Lita just came right in and said what
she was thinking. I was tempted to resent it, but what I really felt was
overwhelmingly grateful. Maybe she was right. Maybe I really
shouldnÕt pine after him like this. Even if I did still love him, I could
get over it. Not many people loved forever and obviously Darien was
one of the many.
	ÒDo you know, I think youÕre right.Ó I said slowly. ÒYeah, IÕll
try to forget him.Ó
	Lita smiled, and swung her ponytail over her shoulder. ÒThatÕs
the right idea. Watch, itÕll be easier than you think.Ó

	Except it seemed that someone had given Darien some similar
advice, perfectly timed to hit me when I was most vulnerable. The next
day, as I was hurrying to class, I ran straight into a couple, obviously on
a date. My books flew out of my gloved hands, and I bent down to pick
them up, muttering apologies through my scarf. It was in the negative
temperatures that day with wind chill, and I had put my scarf around
my head and face so only my eyes showed through. When I stood back
up again, I recognized them.
	ÒDarien? Raye?Ó I said, but it came out in a squeak. I saw the
rough play of emotions in his eyes again, ending with bitterness. Raye
looked embarrassed, not quite willing to meet my eyes. It had only
been three days since I told her what had happened. How could she do
this to me? For that matter, how could *he* do this to me. I felt the
tears behind my eyes, and I knew that I would never be able to live
with myself if I cried in front of him.
	ÒSorry.Ó I said again, inexplicably, and ran as quickly away
from them as I possibly could. I could feel control of myself slipping
quietly away, and my tears wet my scarf. I couldnÕt go to class crying,
but something told me that there was no holding this one back.
Although I did not, as a rule, skip class, I decided that this time there
was no helping it. I ran blindly away until I had to stop. When I looked
up, I found myself in front of a small library I had never been inside.
Pulling my scarf closer around my face to mask my red eyes, I entered.
It was cozy, practically empty, and filled with exactly the kind of little
nooks and crannies that I needed. There was a room, on the second
floor, with large windows and dusty shelves of books. Quietly, I shut
the door behind me, and sat in the chair, numbly staring outside. It
looked like it was going to snow, I thought distantly. Slowly, I slid the
scarf from my face; it was soaked with my tears. I removed the rest of
my gear with equal deliberation, observing the growing pile on the
floor. Then I looked out the window again. Sitting on a bench below
me were a couple. The man embraced the woman, and her head fit
perfectly on his shoulder. It was the kind of classic picture that always
made me sigh with longing, but now had a much deeper effect on me.
The man wasnÕt Darien, and the woman wasnÕt Raye, but it was still
the same. Darien didnÕt love me, and Raye had betrayed me. The tears
slipped out quietly now, as I stared at them. The sound of my heart
shattering was inaudible.

	My despair was less dramatic after that. I found that it was
easier for me to present a happy face to the world. Mina and Amy were
relieved, and I had not seen Raye for three days. But I always
disappeared to my corner in that library when I began to feel
overwhelmed. I knew that no one could really understand what was
happening to me, and I didnÕt want them to worry about me. But, I
didnÕt know if I would ever get over DarienÕs rejection. I had not
known that it was possible to feel so much pain over one person.
Sometimes I thought that it would have been more humane for him to
kill me. I hid the bunny well under my layers of clothing, but
sometimes I reached for it convulsively, making sure that he had
actually given it to me.
	Lita, however, was less easily fooled than the others. Perhaps
it was because she didnÕt know Raye, and didnÕt have any reason to
*want* to believe that I was happy with our separation. She tried to
cheer me up, but after three days, she just came straight to the point.
	ÒSerena, itÕs not just me. You have been more upset these past
three days than you were when it first happened.Ó
	I roughly suppressed the tears that were always just below the
surface. ÒNo, donÕt worry Lita, IÕm fine.Ó I said, quickly burying my
head back in my book. We were studying together for our first big test
in Government. Since it was entirely too cold outside for either of us to
contemplate going to the library, we had staked ourselves out in the
coffee shop of Peabody Hall. Lita rolled her eyes and pushed my book
back down on the table.
	ÒSerena, I like you. I have the feeling that youÕre not usually
like this, and I really donÕt think that itÕs healthy for you to mope
around after some guy for an entire week.Ó
	ÒLita, thereÕs really nothing that either of us can do about it.
Come on, letÕs just study for this, all right?Ó Lita looked so worried that
I felt terrible for brushing her aside like that. But it was true what I had
saidÑtalking wasnÕt going to solve anything. Maybe time would, but I
was even beginning to doubt that.
	ÒIÕll leave it alone, if you want me too. But nothing is going to
change unless you make it happen. I know what itÕs like to lose
someone you love.Ó Something entered her eyes just then that made me
wonder what she was thinking of. ÒNot in the same way, maybe, but I
do know. Maybe it doesnÕt get any easier, but you have to fight the pain
or it will devour you.Ó
	I wondered had happened to her, but I knew that I shouldnÕt
ask. The look in her eyes just then echoed the loss she had just spoken
of, and the one I was experiencing. Silently, I held her hand across the
table and smiled slightly. She smiled in return. ÒWeÕll get through
this.Ó She seemed to say, and I nodded.
	I sure hoped so, at least.

	I was surprised to find Raye in the dorm when I walked in. I
donÕt know where she had gone, but ever since I had seen her with
Darien, I had not seen her. I was tempted, when I saw the back of her
head, to close the door and walk to MinaÕs room, but something
stopped me. I think it was anger. The second I saw her, the betrayal I
had felt for three days rose to the surface and I felt angry enough to
punch her. It wasnÕt like me to get angry, but when I did I tended to
leave a path of destruction in my wake. I slammed the door behind me,
and she turned around in surprise. She looked expectant, but fearful,
and I knew that she had been waiting for me. I crossed my arms in front
of me and glared at her.
	She took a deep breath. ÒSerena, we need to talk.Ó
	ÒNo kidding.Ó I said quietly, restraining myself from
screaming or hitting her. The anger seemed to eat at my insides like a
malevolent fire. We stared at each other for a moment, in silent battle,
and then the words that had been inside of me for three days came
spewing forth.
	ÒRaye, how could you do this to me?Ó My voice raised several
decibels, even louder than when I had screamed at Darien. ÒYou
*knew* what he had done, you knew how I felt about him, you knew
exactly what had happened, and you still went on a date with him? Do
you care about me at all, Raye? Do you want to hurt me? Because if
you did, then you definitely have succeeded.Ó
	Raye flinched at the end, and I stepped closer to her.
	ÒSerena, you knew I liked Darien. I donÕt see how you could
expect me not to respond to him, when your relationship is clearly over.
IÕm sorry that it had to happen so soon, but since Darien doesnÕt seem
to think that there was much between you, I donÕt see why you have to
make such a big deal about itÑÒ She had stood up, and we were inches
away from each other. I donÕt think that I had ever been so angry in my
life. My hands were clenched rigidly at my sides.
	ÒRaye, just answer this: did he ask you out? Are you two a
couple?Ó
	She blushed. ÒNo, not really. But he was walking me to class,
and itÕs obvious that he is heading in that direction. I did not stop it,
and I will not stop it because you are overreacting. He never loved you.
He said that himself. If you choose to live under the delusion that a guy
like Darien would ever like, let alone love, an immature, spoiled,
crybaby like youÑÒ
	I didnÕt let her finish. It was too much. I slapped her as hard as
I possibly could and ran out of the room. I could barely see where I was
going through my tears, and I was lucky as I hurtled myself down the
stairs that I didnÕt sprain my ankle again, or do anything worse to
myself. I ran out the building, and the shock of the cold and snow was
somehow refreshing. The snow was already six inches high, and it had
only been falling for an hour. I stumbled through it around the nearly
deserted campus, unaware of where my subconscious was leading me. I
stopped when I tripped over a rock, hidden by the snow, and crashed
down. I sat up, shivering and looked around me. I was surprised when I
realized that I was right next to DarienÕs dorm. Of course. My
subconscious would have that vicious sort of humor, wouldnÕt it? I
shivered violently, and suddenly realized that I was only wearing my
lighter coat and I was still wearing my moccasin slippers. I wrapped my
arms around my body, trying to keep as warm as I could. I stood up,
and spotted a bench a little way off. I brushed the snow from the seat
and sat down. I didnÕt really know where to go. I knew that I couldnÕt
go back to the dorm, and that I really didnÕt want to move. If I was
cold, perhaps it was fit punishment for allowing myself to love
someone like Darien. The snow covered me slowly, and I made no
move to brush it off. My body seemed distant from the rest of my
emotions. The fact that I was cold was understood and distantly
registered, but did nothing to affect me. I sat on that bench for perhaps
an hour, unaware of how dangerously cold I was growing. I became
vaguely aware, after an hour, of the only person I had seen since I had
come here. I stared at him silently, wondering if he would notice me.
There was no surprise, when I recognized him as Darien. Of course he
would be coming back this lateÑhe had the night shift at the ice cream
parlor. I huddled on the bench sure that he would pass me by, but my
heart still thudded painfully with anticipation. But he walked right by
where I was sitting and did not look my way. But just as I felt the grief
welling within me, he stopped. My breath caught. Slowly, as if he
sensed my presence some other way than his five senses, he turned and
saw me. Our eyes locked.
	ÒSerena?Ó He called over the wind. ÒIs that you? What the hell
are you doing out here?Ó I found, to my surprise, that I couldnÕt speak.
A combination of cold and desire had taken my voice away. He walked
over to where I was sitting, and I saw that the snow was over a foot
deep.
	ÒSerena, itÕs way too cold for you to be out here.Ó He said
with a concern that made me wonder if he did love me after all.
	ÒS-sorry,Ó I stuttered through chattering teeth. I really didnÕt
know why I kept apologizing around him. The wind picked up so we
could barely hear each other, even inches away. He looked at the snow,
worried.
	ÒAll right, come on.Ó He said urgently and wrapped his arm
around my waist. I didnÕt know if he felt the same thrill at the touch
that I did. I tried to stand up, but found that my legs had cramped and
fallen asleep. We stumbled together through the snow, and while I tried
to walk properly, my limbs did not seem to want to function. He picked
me up when we reached the stairs, and carried me, shaking, into a small
room with a couple of couches and a fireplace. There was one other
person there, who stared at us when we came in. Darien ignored him. I
buried my face into his chest, smelling again what I never would have
expected. I was aware of the tension between us, the crackling fire just
below the surface. Apparently he was too, because his face was oddly
flushed when he put me down next to the fireplace. He did not look at
me when he took some wood from a pile and shoved some into the
dying fire. He lit a match and tossed that in as well, pocketing them
afterwards. As I felt myself thaw, I looked at Darien again. He looked
surprisingly tired, with a distinct five oÕclock shadow. His eyes seemed
haunted. I wanted to reach out to him, but I remained huddled in front
of the fire, shivering. When he was done with the fire, he looked at me,
oddly vulnerable.
	ÒIÕll be right back.Ó He said quietly, and I watched him retreat.
I felt like I had entered a parallel universe. Of all things I had expected
this day to bring, being carried by Darien after practically freezing to
death was not one of them. I could not seem to think properly. The only
thing I was aware of was that finally I was close to Darien again, and
the feeling was like a salve for all the pain I had experienced over the
past two weeks. He came back quickly, carrying a blanket and a towel.
By now the other person had given up all pretense of studying and was
watching us curiously. I was silent as he peeled my now soaking jacket
off. He took off my moccasins too, with a frown creasing his forehead.
I could not seem to focus on that, though, only the way his hands felt as
they brushed against my feet. I did notice how his hands shook when he
gently released my hair from its perpetual dumplings. He squeezed
some of the water out of my hair with the towel, and then wrapped me
in the blanket. He was silent throughout it all, although his frown grew
more pronounced as it went on. When he was finished, he leaned back
on his heels, and I knew he felt frustrated.
	ÒSerena, do you have a death wish?Ó he said finally, his voice
revealing more concern than anger. I looked at him, upset and slightly
ashamed. It had been stupid of me to just sit out there.
	ÒNo.Ó I said quietly, daring a look in his eyes, and then back
down. The pools of blue looked fundamentally disturbed.
	ÒWhat were you doing out there?Ó he asked again, loudly.
	It was obvious that I was still not quite in control of myself, or
I would never have responded as I did. ÒThinking about you.Ó I said,
and I could tell that my answer stunned him. We were silent for a
minute.
	ÒYou scared me, Serena,Ó he said finally. I looked at him for
an electric moment, and then smiled sleepily. Perhaps he did love me,
after all. He must have seen me slipping away. He pulled a couch closer
to the fire, and picked me up. I fell asleep almost as soon as he put me
down, his worried face the last thing I saw before sinking into
dreamless oblivion.

	I woke up, inexplicably, three hours later. I was alone in the
lounge, and the fire had died down. Darien was nowhere to be seen. I
was tempted to fall asleep again, but some crazed hope stopped me. I
remembered what he had done for me, and the way he had looked.
Perhaps this night was my last chance to show him what we meant to
each other. He looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen him before.
If I didnÕt try now, then I would lose my chance at love forever. LitaÕs
voice came ringing back to me, making my decision final: ÒNothing is
going to change unless you make it happen.Ó I had to at least try. Even
if I failed miserably, I would never regret this night. I extricated myself
from the blanket, and stood up. My legs felt unsteady, and I wondered
what would have happened to me if Darien hadnÕt come along when he
did. I walked out of the room, feeling the unfamiliar weight of my hair
out of its ponytails. It occurred to me as I walked up the stairs that I had
no idea what to do when I got to DarienÕs room. I knew I had to
convince him, somehow, that he really did love me, but I didnÕt know
how to do it. Something pushed me forward, however, and I did not
hesitate as I turned his doorknob and walked inside. He had been lying
on his bed with his clothes still on, staring at the ceiling. He sat up
almost as soon as I opened the door, relaxing slightly when he saw who
it was. I grew suddenly aware of what I was doing, and how
marvelously stupid it was. How could I possibly expect to be able to
change his mind? It had been my goal the entire time, but now, faced
with the prospect, I could have run straight out the door. Darien
stopped me.
	ÒWhat are you doing here?Ó He asked, but his voice was
gentle. What could I say? ÔI wanted to talk to you?Õ I didnÕt really know
the answer to his question myself. And then, it seemed like another
entity took over my body. I lost all my shyness, all my fear. I stared at
Darien, and I shuddered.
	ÒThe fire went out.Ó I said, which was true, except both Darien
and I knew that it wasnÕt meant literally. I saw him gulp, but he said
nothing. For a moment I contemplated doing what I had longed to do
for the past two years. For a moment I contemplated seducing Darien,
the one man I loved, and the most accomplished lover at Harvard. But I
knew I could never do it, not really. I knew that having sex with him
would not change his mind. Not much would change his mind. It was
his decision. I could only tell him how I felt and hope that he would
understand. Slowly I walked to the bed and straddled him. His eyes
grew impossibly wide. I knew that he responded to me; his eyes left
mine involuntarily and traveled the length of my body. I was aware of a
growing sense of trepidation. I did not know what I was doing.
	And then, something occurred to me. I knew what I had to do.
I knew that any less would be cowardly and any more unthinkable.  I
leaned forward, reaching into his pocket, and pulled out the small box
of matches he had put there earlier. I took a match, and tossed the rest
on the floor. His breathing grew shallow as I leaned forward again. I
had read once that you could strike a match on the cheek of an
unshaved man and Darien had obviously not shaved for about two
days. Praying that it would work, I gently brought the match to his
cheek, and flicked my wrist. It lit immediately, like something more
than friction had ignited it. I brought the flame to my face, aware of its
eerie effect. With my free hand I reached under my shirt and pulled out
the bunny necklace so that the light would catch it. I knew Darien
understood. I could barely see DarienÕs face, only his eyes, and they
spoke volumes to me.
	ÒI love you, Darien.Ó I said quietly, still holding the low-
burning match. ÒYou can push me away all you want. You can date my
roommate, and you can lie to yourself, but I know that you love me
even if you wonÕt admit it. The fire between us canÕt go out so easily as
this.Ó
	I blew out the match, the moment before it burned my fingers,
and the world was plunged in darkness. I left that room then, and it was
the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I knew that if I had stayed,
he would finally have given me what I had wanted for two years. But I
also knew that in the morning he would have left, and betrayed me
once again. He had to come to terms with me alone, in the dark. I
would not give myself to him, not like this. My eyes were painfully dry
when I closed the door quietly behind me. I had done all I could, if he
rejected me, there was no turning back.

	I did not see him at all over the weekend or Monday. At least,
I comforted myself, no news was good news. Lita was pleased to see
that I was acting more like my usual self. I was disappointed that
Darien hadnÕt come to class on Monday, but, I reasoned, that really
didnÕt mean anything. He would let me know what he had decided,
somehow. I allowed my natural optimism to take over. I knew that he
loved me, after that night, how could he possibly deny it? He had
wrestled with his demons during the night and any moment he would
come to me and tell me so. We could be happy together forever, now.
In fact, I had worked myself into such a state of happiness that after
class, I suggested that Lita and I go out for lunch at this fantastic
Mongolian restaurant down the street.
	ÒWow,Ó Lita said, impressed, Òyou sure *are* feeling better
today, arenÕt you? I had to bully you into going out all last week. Did
Darien declare his eternal love for you, or something?Ó She asked, and
I winced a little.
	ÒNo.Ó I said. Well not yet anyway, but I didnÕt say that to her.
I hadnÕt told anyone about that night. It was my own little treasure, for
me to think about when I grew upset that Darien hadnÕt told me
anything yet.
	ÒWell, all right, letÕs go.Ó Lita said, and it took me a moment
to realize that she was saying that she did want to go out with me.
	ÒWait, letÕs stop by my dorm, I have to get my coat.Ó I hadnÕt
gone back to the dorm since that night, but I figured that Raye wouldnÕt
be there at this time, so it was OK. Lita waited for me in the lounge,
and I sprinted up the stairs two at a time. I was glad that the room
genuinely was empty, and I grabbed my coat and gloves and ran out
again. I would have rounded the corner, but I heard some familiar
voices over by the elevator. I never took the elevator, more out of
impatience than anything else, but it was next to the staircase. I
stopped, my breath in my throat. Could it really be them? Mina and
Amy had talked to me since that night, trying to get me to reconcile
with Raye. Since I had refused, it was silly of me to get so upset that
they would go out without me, but I still felt hurt. That, however, was a
mild reaction when I heard what they were talking about.
	ÒI canÕt believe it!Ó Raye said happily, too happily for my
taste. I peered around the corner. Amy and Mina gave each other a
wary look.
	ÒBut what about Serena?Ó Amy ventured. Raye looked
annoyed.
	ÒSheÕll get over it. You know how melodramatic Serena is, IÕll
bet she never really loved him in the first place.Ó
	ÒRaye,Ó Mina said, frowning, Òyou know she did.Ó
	Raye looked guilty for about half a second. ÒI suppose. But
even sheÕll get used to the idea of Darien being my boyfriend.Ó
I suppose they must have heard the sound of my body hitting
the floor. I wouldnÕt know, though. My spirit had flown away with my
transient happiness, and hidden itself away on some cold, lonely beach.

************************
Well, hello again! Thanks so much for everybody who is taking the
time to read this storyÑI really appreciate it. In case you havenÕt
noticed, Fire is getting darker with each chapter, but I repeat that you
can count on my penchant for happy endings. I will admit that things
are going to get (if anything) more complicated, and more frustrating,
but that means all the more fun when things finally turn out right side
up. For those of you who are wondering how many chapters this thing
has: there are about nine, but one of them is an ÔinterludeÕ. I am *still*
dying over the ending, but donÕt worry, IÕll get my act together, I swear
;D Thanks to everyone on the discussion boardÉitÕs really fun talking
to all you moonies, since youÕre just about as crazy as I am! Well,
thatÕs all I have to say, for all those of you who liked this, PLEASE
EMAIL ME!! Oh yeah, and before I forget, I *never* remember to put
a disclaimer in this story, so here it is, this biggest, most official
disclaimer youÕve ever seen:
I DONÕT OWN SAILOR MOON!!
I bet that was a big shock huh? All this time youÕve been reading my
story and you havenÕt seen a single disclaimer and you started to think:
ÒI wonder if she really *does* own Sailor MoonÉÓ
Finally (I swear, IÕll shut up after this), IÕm making a shout out to
RemaÑdid you get my email? If you did, write me back, IÕm *super*
curious!
Thanks everyone!
Lois