Lois Fogg
Fire
Email: SireneCall@hotmail.com
AuthorÕs Notes at the end

Chapter Nine: Never Too Late

I long for him most
During these long moonless nights.
I lie awake, hot,
The growing fires of passion
Bursting, blazing in my heart

~ Ono No Komachi

****************************************

	March. Finally the temperature had warmed consistently
above freezing, and comparatively, the fifty degree night felt positively
balmy. It was well past midnight on Friday nightÑwell, Saturday
morning, I supposeÑand Raye had just fallen asleep. We had been
talking long into the night of love and dreams and longing, the types of
things girls speak of when they know there is something more than
what they have, and are young enough to think they will achieve it.
Raye had met somebody who easily held her attention more that Darien
ever had. I saw it, but wondered if Raye did, and did not mention it to
her. Even without MinaÕs Òsixth senseÓ for these sorts of things, I knew
that they were in love with each other. It was only a matter of time
before they admitted it. His name was Thomas, and the very mention of
it would send her into fits of sighing that seemed more appropriate to
Mina than Raye. But then, we had all been full of surprises the past few
months. I lay awake after Raye slept, thinking about my friends, staring
at the disturbingly black nightÑa night without moonlight to guide my
thoughts as it so often had during my time at Harvard. I shuddered and
pulled the covers closer around my neck. Perhaps fifty degrees was not
so balmy as I had thought. By now Amy and Jonathan had an
established relationship. When it came to people she knew, Mina was
an infallible guide. Lita had not, as yet, paired up with anyone,
although she sometimes waxed eloquent about a certain friend of hers
named Ken, who we never saw, but could describe to you in detail
anyway. Her Òold boyfriendÓ had become something of a running joke
between us, but judging from LitaÕs love struck expression, she could
not be making him up. Mina was an odd combination of matchmaker
and seductress. She was determined for everyone else to find true love,
but when it came to her, she was content to date every good-looking
boy on campus. She often exhausted herself running between dates,
trying to keep the other unaware of the first. It was funny, but
sometimes I wondered if Mina wasÑfor all her fascination with itÑ
afraid of love. It made a bizarre sort of sense that the self-dubbed ÔLove
GoddessÕ would be unable to deal with love within herself. I worried
about her, but I also knew that someone would fall in love with Mina
with such insistence that she would not be able to ignore it anymore, or
deny it.
	While I did think about my friends, I thought mostly of
Darien. It was inevitable that Darien should occupy my thoughts at all
times and in all places, I thought, sighing. Even halfway across the
world I could not seem to escape his influence over me. Even now,
every time I went to the ice cream parlor I half expected to see him way
I had that very first day: a self-satisfied mocking smile, oldies music
blaring, hair casually tousled in a way that made him that much more
gorgeous. I turned over in my bed, barely suppressing a groan. Not as
though, I reminded myself, it would wake Raye. It stunned me how
much I longed for him. It took me unawares on nights like this, how I
would physically ache for want of him next to me. He had been near
me for such a short time, I knew, and yet I felt that those few weeks
had been more perfect than forever. And he loved me, at least I had that
to sustain me. This waiting was somehow different than it had been
before he left. Then, it had been like a slow, tortuous death, each new
day dragging more of my happiness away from me. Now I felt secureÑ
somewhat, at least. Darien had told me not to let him hurt me again,
and I was trying. But that did not make my longing any less poignant, it
did not stop me from staying up late on Saturday morning, full of sighs
and half-uttered words. I thought of the first time he had kissed me,
how my breathing had stopped and the entire world had seemed to shut
down around me. I thought of the way he had carried me in from the
snow, denying his feelings but unable to hide them. I thought of all this
and felt my breath catch in my throat. I could deny him during the day,
or at least try to. I could go to classes and play around with my friends
and not act as though I longed for him every second. But at night, I
could not hide it. I would open my window and stare at the sky,
wishing that he return.
	I wrote him letters, but could not bring myself to send them. I
kept them togetherÑreams of themÑin my bottom desk drawer,
hidden away from the world. I guess I was afraid of giving even the
smallest part of myself away again. I was still afraid that he would hurt
me, and even though I knew that he said he loved me, things might
have changed in Japan. After all, he was in the country of his birth,
probably talking to prettier, more intelligent girlsÉI roughly wiped the
tears from my eyes. This was getting me nowhere. The five of us were
planning on going to the museum tomorrow, and I had to get some
sleep. Besides, I had definitely had enough of this emotional orgy for
one night. With a small self-deprecating smile I closed my eyes, and
dreamed of lands across the sea.

	ÒI donÕt know.Ó Lita said dubiously, tilting her head to the
side. ÒIt just looks like a bunch of squiggles to me.Ó
	ÒLita!Ó Raye exclaimed, exasperated. ÒDonÕt you see the
subtle rhythm of the colors? Do you see how the greens and browns
mix to give the perfect impression of fall leaves?Ó
	ÒYou sound like a tour guide, Raye.Ó I said, squinting. ÒIt
looks like one of those magic eye things.Ó
	ÒI give up!Ó Raye shouted, throwing her hands in the air. ÒYou
uncultured bohemians just canÕt appreciate Jackson Pollock.Ó
	Mina giggled. ÒWell, we uncultured bohemians need some
nourishment before we can brave more nude women with breasts on
their heads.Ó Raye just glared at her.
	ÒYou guys!Ó Amy said ominously. ÒWill you stop shouting? I
think that Mina has a good idea, we ought to go eat. Maybe it will calm
us down.Ó The last was muttered under her breath.
	ÒOh, all right. But afterwards we have to go to the sculpture
garden!Ó Raye said. We all groaned.
	ÒCome on, Raye, do we have to?Ó I wined. ÒItÕs really cold out
there!Ó
	ÒCold? ItÕs fifty degrees.Ó
	ÒWill you two shut up and come on?Ó Lita said from the
doorway. Realizing that I was, in fact, quite in need of a brownie or
two, I caught up with them and we walked together to the cafeteria.

	ÒOne week to go until spring break.Ó Lita said, lounging in her
chair.
	Mina and I let of simultaneous dejected sighs. I had not been
looking forward much to spring break.
	ÒGeez, whatÕs wrong you two?Ó Raye asked.
	ÒI really donÕt want to go home. *Why* in the name of God
did my dad have to win the primaries? Why does my life just have to
suck like this? He is going to be unbearable. I just canÕt take him for
two weeks, you guys. ItÕs inhuman!Ó My voice had risen precariously
into a wail and my friends wincedÑwhether in sympathy for my
predicament or their eardrums, I couldnÕt tell.
	ÒAnd *I*,Ó Mina began dramatically, hogging the spotlight as
usual, ÒCannot stay here for spring break. I think that George knows
about Toby and theyÕre both getting suspicious and IÕm going crazy
trying to keep them both happy, but I just donÕt want to give up either
one! O!Ó The ÔOÕ sounded like one of those Victorian exclamations
made so popular by Dickens, ÒItÕs so hard being beautiful!Ó Something
suspiciously looking like sweatdrops appeared over our heads.
	ÒYeah right, Mina.Ó Lita muttered to herself. ÒBut still,Ó She
said in a thoughtful voice. ÒThereÕs nothing particularly exciting for me
to do at home. I wouldnÕt mind doing something new over spring
break.Ó
	ÒThatÕs true, you know.Ó Raye agreed. ÒItÕs not like my
grandfather needs me much at the temple, not since he got all that help.
I mean, as much as I like going home, it would be fun to try something
else.Ó
	I peered a little outside of my cloud of misery. ÒYou mean,
you guys would be willing to do something over spring break, with
us?Ó
	ÒSomewhere very far away?Ó Mina asked eagerly, losing some
of her dramatic air.
	ÒHey, why not?Ó Lita shrugged. ÒItÕd be fun.Ó
	ÒYeah!Ó I shouted, getting into the spirit of things. I wouldnÕt
have to face my dad after all! ÒWell, Amy,Ó I said, and we all turned to
look at her expectantly. ÒWhat about it?Ó  Amy had sunk so low in her
seat that her head barely came above the rim of the table.
	ÒUmÉÓ She began, ÒI donÕt know?Ó
	ÒCome on, Amy,Ó Mina coaxed, using her most charming
smile, ÒWhat possible reason do you have not to go? DidnÕt you
already tell us your mom was away at some conference in Europe?Ó
	ÒWell, yeahÉÓ
	ÒAnd didnÕt you say you were getting sick of the same
routine?Ó This time it was Raye.
	ÒWell, I suppose soÉÓ
	ÒAnd wouldnÕt it just be awesome to go somewhere with us
this break?Ó Lita asked.
	ÒSure it would, butÉÓ
	ÒSo whatÕs the problem?Ó I finished triumphantly.
	ÒI want to stay with Jonathan!Ó She wailed.
	ÒGeez, Amy,Ó Raye muttered, ÒYou almost sounded like
Serena for a second there.Ó I would have insulted her back, except there
were obviously more important matters to attend to.
	ÒAmy,Ó Mina said in a dangerously low voice. ÒAre you
telling me that your boyfriend,Ó she spat the word out, Òis more
important than your very best friends?Ó
	ÒNoÉÓ Amy said sheepishly.
	ÒWould you really abandon us for him?Ó I asked, cornering
her.
	ÒOh, all right, all right!Ó Amy agreed, looking dejected and
relieved at the same time. ÒYou guys are tough customers.Ó She said
with a smile.
	ÒGot to be.Ó Raye said, looking satisfied. ÒSo, now that weÕve
agreed weÕre going somewhere, where do you guys want to go?Ó
	ÒThe beachÑanyplace warm.Ó
	ÒIÕve always wanted to see the grand canyon...Ó
	ÒWhat about Niagra Falls?Ó
	ÒLas Vegas!Ó
	ÒNew York!Ó
	ÒNew Jersey!Ó
	ÒNew *Jersey*?Ó
	ÒSorry, got carried away with the moment.Ó
	ÒWait, I know what we should do!Ó I shouted, getting a
sudden epiphany.
	ÒWhat?Ó They asked, looking at me.
	ÒWe should have aÉÓ I paused, dragging out the moment.
	ÒWell?Ó
	ÒA road trip!Ó I finished triumphantly.
	They fell silent, looking at me with dumbfounded expressions.
ÒYou know, Serena.Ó Raye said finally. ÒThatÕs a great idea.Ó
	I leaned back in the chair. ÒOf course.Ó I said, a grin
practically splitting my face.
	ÒHuh.Ó Amy said, still a little skeptical. ÒIf you donÕt kill each
other first.Ó
	ÒOh, ye of little faith.Ó I said offhandedly. Yes, perhaps this
time, spring break would be fun after all.


	ÒListen, Raye, IÕm *sure* weÕve missed the exit! DidnÕt you
see that sign back there?Ó
	ÒSerena, I know what IÕm doing. Besides, I wouldnÕt trust you
to lead me to a bathroom, let alone Niagara Falls.Ó
	ÒWhy doesnÕt anyone seem to think I can find a bathroom?Ó I
muttered angrily to myself, looking at the map again. It was true
though, these things were way too confusing. Amy had drawn the route
of our trip in red magic marker just before we left, but the mess of lines
and labels just did not seem to correspond to the long stretches of
highways and confusing system of exits. I wasnÕt about to tell Raye
that, however. She would just make fun of me. Instead, I turned around
to the back seatÑwe were using MinaÕs van with express threats of
what would happen if it received so much as a scratch. I saw that Amy
and Lita were asleep, a little line of drool hanging out of their mouths.
	ÒWell, didnÕt *you* see the sign, Mina?Ó I asked, since Mina
was the only one in any state to have noticed it, or so I thought.
	ÒHuh?Ó She said blankly, looking at me. ÒWasnÕt that guy at
the rest stop just dreamy?Ó She sighed. I groaned and turned back
around in the seat.
	Ò ÔJust dreamy?Õ Mina, have you been inhaling gas fumes?Ó
	ÒHa ha, very funny.Ó Mina said, sticking her tongue out at me.
She returned to her pastime of looking into the windows of the passing
cars, and realizing I had no help in that department, I left her to it.
	ÒUmÉRaye, I may be wrong, but canÕt we at least ask for
directions?Ó I asked it in my most contrite voice, hoping that
subservience might have a chance of changing her opinion.
	Ò*Me*, ask for directions? Come on, Serena, I, for one, have a
sense of direction. I know where weÕre going.Ó Was that uncertainty I
heard at the end of her voice? I didnÕt careÑshe had finally made me
lose my temper.
	ÒRaye!Ó I shouted. ÒIÕm getting tired of this! So, maybe I have
a bad sense of direction, but you passed the exit and you have to either
be blind or a block-headed fool not to notice it!Ó
	ÒYou guysÉÓ Amy groaned, rubbing her head and wiping the
drool from her cheek. ÒWhatÕs going on?Ó
	ÒIÕll tell you whatÕs going on!Ó My voice kept rising in pitch.
ÒRaye passed the exit, weÕre driving to God-knows-where and she
refuses to ask for directions!Ó
	ÒI donÕt *need* to ask for directions!Ó Raye shrieked. ÒI know
perfectly well where I am going, and I donÕt need a directionally
challenged Serena telling me where to go!Ó
	ÒOh God,Ó Lita mumbled, burying her head in her hands,
ÒHere we go again.Ó
	ÒWhy, you, pig-headed, stupidÉÓ I spluttered, unable to
finish my sentence.
	ÒRaye! Stop the car!Ó Mina yelled, cutting through our
argument like it wasnÕt there. Raye swerved dangerously, startled, and
then switched on her blinker to get off at the next rest stop.
	ÒDonÕt do that Mina!Ó She said, trying to get her breathing
under control. ÒWhat is it?Ó Just as soon as she said it, however, there
was no longer any need to ask. In front of us was a huge billboard,
decked out in trashy blue pastels and gaudy 3-D art. It read:
	*Visit the Legendary Niagara Falls!*
	ÒTold you so.Ó Raye said complacently.
	And in parentheses at the bottom: *(Turn around! You just
missed it!)*
	ÒRead the sign before you speak, buddy!Ó I shouted in
triumph.
	ÒOh, all right.Ó She muttered, sufficiently humbled.
	ÒTold you I could find the bathroom.Ó
	ÒWhat?Ó Lita asked, confused, but Mina was already laughing.
	ÒYeah,Ó She said in between gasps, ÒWhat else is one of the
greatest North American natural wonders but a supersized toilet?Ó

	I called my father that night. I was supposed to be meeting
him at the airport, and I had to tell him why I was standing him up. I
timed it perfectlyÑbefore he grew worried enough to call in the
authorities and after he was given sufficient time to be embarrassed in
front of the camera crews. I dialed his cell phone number with
assurance, practically relishing the prospect of pulling one over on him.
	ÒHello?Ó It was his voice, irritated. I almost smiled.
	ÒHi, Dad.Ó I said in my most perky tone.
	ÒSerena?Ó He shouted, I winced and held the phone away from
my ear. Evidently, I had been right about the reporters, because he
quickly got himself under control. ÒWhere are you?Ó I could practically
hear the curse words between his teeth. This was turning out better than
I had thought.
	ÒWell, dad, IÕve been meaning to tell you: IÕm, right now, in a
hotel outside of Niagara. My friends and I decided to go on a road
tripÑa last minute sort of thing, you know.Ó My voice was dripping
with sarcasm. ÒSo sorry to have disappointed you and the reporters, but
I suppose that youÕll have to save your Òfamily momentÓ photo until,
say, thanksgiving.Ó
	ÒSerena,Ó he spluttered, ÒYou canÕt possibly do thisÉÓ
	ÒOh yes I can, dad.Ó I said, and for a moment felt a mild
inkling of compassion for him. ÒTry to understand, okay? I needed to
get away.Ó
	ÒI definitely do *not* understand, young lady! Now, I want
you to get to the nearest airport and come back hereÑÒ So much for
compassion.
	ÒNo, dad.Ó I said firmly. ÒNot this time. This time, IÕm
choosing my own destiny.Ó I hung up the phone.
	ÒSo,Ó I said to the others, who were looking at me warily.
ÒWhat do you say that we celebrate?Ó I pulled out a bottle of
MartinelliÕs that we had brought with us for the trip. Mina grabbed
some paper cups and I poured everyone a glass.
	ÒTo good-looking men!Ó Mina said, raising her cup. We all
rolled our eyes and giggled a little at this.
	Lita was next. ÒTo friendship,Ó she said after a while. ÒLet us
never forget this.Ó
	Amy was surer of herself. ÒTo success.Ó She said quietly.
	Raye glanced at me quickly and then looked away, as though
burned. ÒTo trust, that we never betray each other.Ó She ignored me so
studiously that I knew she expected some sort of reaction. I put my
hand on her arm, gently and smiled a little. I supposed that things
would never be totally all right between us, but I had forgiven her, in
my own way, a long time ago.
	ÒTo love,Ó I said, raising my glass higher and thinking of
Darien, ÒThat it never dies.Ó As we sat there, on the floor of a hotel
room, toasting each other with sparkling apple cider in paper cups, I
realized something that took my breath away. In this small group of
friends, I had found people who truly understood me. In different ways,
we had given each other the most intimate parts of ourselves. We were
a team, no doubt about it. We had formed, in a relatively short amount
of time, ties that could survive the most incredible strain. I loved them
all, of course. Yet, something was missing. I knew it, if not
consciously, in the back of my mind, the part unoccupied with the
present.
	Yes, even among the best friends I had ever had, I longed for
Darien.

	I walked slowly through the campus, towards Peabody Hall,
feeling a glow of happiness, even as my thoughts turned down a darker
path. It was April 15th, my birthday, [AN: I know her birthday is
sometime in July, but it didnÕt work for this story.] and my friends had
surprised me with a party. I smiled, remembering my shock as I entered
the lounge of LitaÕs dorm hall only to find practically half the freshman
class at Harvard there to greet me. I was happy, but it didnÕt stop me
from glancing around the room furtively, hoping against reason that
Darien was there. It hurt more than I had any right to feel, that he
hadnÕt done anything for my birthday. After all, he had wanted me to
write him letters, and I still had a drawer full of them in my room that I
couldnÕt bear to send. What made me think that he would give me a gift
if I couldnÕt manage even the most simple of gestures? My mood
turned blacker and even the pleasant spring air did not cheer me up. It
was hard living like this, with a permanent hole somewhere in my
stomach that I had to hide from my friends and everyone else who
loved me. I had dragged them through the mud of my problems enough
already, they did not need to be burdened with this. Even so, sometimes
DarienÕs absence hurt me so much I could barely breathe. Sometimes,
only the knowledge that he would come back stopped me from
plummeting into inconsolable despair. And still I could not send him
the letters. It was as if I was somehow afraid of giving him even a little
part of myself again, lest he betray it. And I still, ironically, wanted to
be with him constantly. I didnÕt see, rationally, how I was ever
supposed to be happy when I was prey of such contradictory desires. I
shook my head forcefully, as if to clear my mind of such thoughts, and
pulled the bag of gifts closer to my chest. My friends knew me too
well, I thought ruefully. It seemed they had made a list of all the things
I had said I wanted in passing and gave them to me in one go. I was
particularly impressed with a huge book of National Geographic
pictures that I had wanted for what seemed like forever, but had never
been able to quite afford. I smiled again, momentarily forgetting
Darien. It wasnÕt as if he was my only reason for living, after all, even
though sometimesÑall too oftenÑit felt that way. Of all improbable
nights, Raye had chosen this one to finally hook up with Thomas, and
were probably well on their way to his dorm room right about now. I
sighed again, gustily, as I reached Peabody and stepped inside.
Thinking about Raye and her guy made thoughts of Darien that much
more poignant. I had come so close to making love, and I hadnÕt, but
now RayeÉI stopped the thought when I realized I was getting angry.
After all, I should be happy for my friend, not so jealous IÕm seeing
green. Yeah right, Serena, I thought with a grimace, youÕre not jealous
at all. I needed, I decided, to go to sleep right now. It had been a
wonderful birthday, as they go, but I was only too well aware of what
had been missing. I trudged up the stairs in a desultory fashion and,
almost robot-like, reached my door. In fact, I was paying so little
attention that I tripped over a box lying in my path. I rubbed my shins
angrily as I leaned over to inspect the offending package. It was
rectangular and about two inches below my knees. It was strange that it
was lying here, since packages were almost never delivered to the dorm
rooms. Suddenly, my eyes fell over the label and postage stamps, and I
could feel my heart hammering painfully in my chest. My breathing
grew short and for a second I thought that I was going to faint. The
stamps were Japanese. I had memorized the return address, staring at
DarienÕs letter so many times. It seemed too good to be true, and yet
here it was, blocking the entrance to my room. He had remembered my
birthday! I let out a shriek of joy, damning all who might be asleep, and
danced a little in the hallway. I had never expected this, not once. I
thought that he had given up on me. Unable to contain my curiosity and
excitement, I opened the door and sprawled into the room, dragging the
package in after me. After several interminable moments I found the
scissors and began to gleefully tear into the tape. Finally I uncovered
miles and miles of bubble wrap which I removed with growing
impatience and anticipation. What had he sent me? A dozen images
entered my head and I discarded them as too sentimental, too cliched,
or too expensive. I knew that Darien would have thought about this for
a very long time, striving to find the perfect gift for me. Finally, after
the bubble wrap and newspaper was gone, I stared in amazement at
what remained.
	When I was little, my mom would take me to the dollhouse
and miniature museum. It was her hidden passion, and she studied them
with insatiable fascination. Around Christmas was my favorite time of
year to visit, because they had dozens of little villages, exquisitely
detailed with people no bigger than your thumb and houses no larger
than a hand. It seemed like something out of a fairy tale or novel. As I
had stared at them, I imagined that they could come to life and I could
enter their world and go on a magnificent adventure. It had been years
since I visited he place, but I still remembered. Now, there was no way
that Darien could have known that about me. I had never told him,
largely because I barely thought of it myself. And yet, Darien always
managed to surprise me like that, by knowing almost subconsciously
my innermost desires. He had given me a miniature, like those I had
admired so long ago, but subtly different. It was a tiny replica of a
stage, no more than a foot tall and two feet wide. I recognized the scene
immediately. The final monologue of Kate, is of course, one of the
most controversial aspects of Shakespearean literature. Before I met
Darien I had believed it was a sexist speech that admitted the
legitimacy of male domination. He had chosen an odd moment to
capture, I realized. They were in the banquet hall, with the other guests
staring at Kate with expressions of stunned disbelief. In behind her,
three women were poking their heads out from behind some curtain,
looking equally stunned. In the middle of the stage stood Kate, leaning
over a seated Petruchio. He looked surprised, but with that detail that is
so powerful in miniatures, he also looked struck dumb with love for the
woman before him. Her finger was on his nose in a gesture that looked
at once intimate and scolding. While her expression was self-important,
she was obviously leaning in for a kiss. Then I saw the most exquisite
detail of all: even as she leaned forward to kiss him, even after she had
declared the will of a woman inconsequential, she winked at him. I
noticed a piece of paper taped to the roof of the miniature, and opened
it with shaking hands. It read: Better once than never, for never too late
[AN: From Taming of the Shrew, remember?].
It was unsigned, but I knew who it was from, and what it
meant. I was crying again, large tears of happiness and longing and
hilarity all bound into one contradictory package.
ÒThank you!Ó I said aloud, whether to Darien or some higher
Fate, I donÕt know. Yet even as I lay there, ensconced in my own
happiness, the bottom drawer of my desk remained closed, and even as
I put the gift on my mantle, I did not think to open it.

I lay on the grass beneath my favorite treeÑa weeping willow
who obviously was as happy as I that the weather was finally warming
up. The seventy-degree day felt absolutely heavenly, and I wriggled my
bare toes in the grass just for the feel of it. I felt positively free from 
the
world and all of its problems. Nothing could harm me, as I lay there
with my eyes closed, feeling the light warm across them. I let out a
contented sigh, just barely remembering not to open my legs so wide as
to let everyone see up my sundress. Around me I heard the noises of
people walking from class to class, some leisurely strolling, talking to
friends along the way, and others sprinting headlong into this building
and that, obviously late for some appointment. I smiled and tried to
imagine what they were late for, what was so important to them. I loved
doing this, lying where no one took notice of me and making up stories.
I could never get to know all of these people, but on days like this, my
imagination made up for the lack. In every personÕs life there was a
story, and mine was no exception. I momentarily forgot the people
around me and contemplated my story, which on a day like today
seemed distant and less painful than it had been a mere week ago, on
my birthday. I had spent countless hours staring at the miniature,
recognizing so many details each time I looked at it. The others had
been shocked, of course, but nearly as impressed as I had been. I had no
classes today, by some beautiful trick of fate, and could not think of
anything more enjoyable than lying outside, soaking up vitamin D.
Well, that was not precisely true, but seeing as how the ideal pastime
was halfway across the ocean, this was as good as it got. Gradually, I
became aware of a group of people standing not to far from the
weeping willow, discussing something in hushed voices. At first I only
listened with mild interest, but when I heard DarienÕs name I started
violently. I carefully opened my eyes and peered behind the tree trunk.
They hadnÕt seen me, apparently. The group consisted of two girls and
a guy, all of whom I recognized by sight, if not name. The guy was a
classmate of DarienÕs, and a close friend. The girls were just two
members of the ever-popular Darien Chiba fan club.
ÒSo, heÕs really coming back?Ó Girl number one asked, batting
her eyelashes at the guy, who was, while not as handsome as Darien,
certainly pretty cute.
ÒYeah, he has to deal with the funeral and all that stuff. He
was the only living relative.Ó The guy answered, knowledgeably,
visibly preening. I felt something break in the middle of my stomach,
then. It felt like horror, but with an added dimension of grief and
disbelief. I was all too afraid I knew what had happened, but too
horrified by the prospect to really believe it.
ÒWill he be going back to Japan?Ó That was girl number two.
ÒProbably not. By the time he finishes here, his exchange
would have ended anyway.Ó
ÒWow,Ó Girl number one said, originally. ÒI hope heÕs holding
up okay. Do you think there is anything we can do for him?Ó
ÒI donÕt think so. You know how much of a loner Darien is.
HeÕll probably appreciate it more if we leave him alone.Ó
ÒI guess youÕre right. ItÕs just that I remember how it was
when my grandfather diedÉÓ Her voice was lost in the rush of blood to
my ears, and then to distance as the group wandered off to another spot.
I felt the tears threatening at the edges of my eyes, but pushed them
back ruthlessly. Oh God, Darien, I thought helplessly, not knowing
what to do. Was it true? Had his grandfather actually died? I stood up
hastily, feeling ready to vomit but desperate to find out the truth first.
Perhaps the girl hadnÕt meant that literally, I thought desperately,
grabbing my sandals. Perhaps some long lost aunt of his died, someone
he didnÕt know very well. The thought was not very reassuring. I was
pretty sure that DarienÕs grandfather was his only living relative. I
sprinted almost instinctively to MinaÕs dorm, but she wasnÕt there. I
racked my brains frantically, trying to figure out where my friends
could be. Raye and Amy had a class now, but Lita wasnÕt in her dorm
either. Barely thinking about it I raced down the street, around the
corner, my subconscious taking the most logical path: to the ice cream
parlor. Even if Mina and Lita werenÕt there, someone ought to know
what had happened. I burst through the door, bells jingling, and
everyone inside turned to stare at me curiously. I was too scared to
even be embarrassed. Luckily, my hunch had been right, and Mina and
Lita were sitting together at a table in the corner. They looked up at me,
shocked, and I made my way clumsily over to them, tripping over
people and chairs in the process. I sat down and let out a deep breath.
ÒWhat happened?Ó I begged. From their expressions, they
already knew.
ÒWellÉÓ Mina began, but she was interrupted by a girl
standing by the counter.
ÒHey, Serena!Ó She called to me. ÒHave you talked to Darien
lately?Ó I shook my head lamely, and turned back to stare at Lita, even
more panicked.
ÒYouÕve got to tell me. I canÕt stand this anymore.Ó I said in a
low whisper.
Lita took a deep breath. ÒDarienÕs grandfather died two days
ago. DarienÕs coming back to deal with the funeral arrangements and
the will. ThatÕs all I know.Ó Trust Lita to get to the point, I thought
even as her words confirmed my worst fears. My hands covered my
mouth in horror, and the blood rushing past my ears sounded less and
less like water and more like fire.
ÒOh, Darien.Ó I whispered, aching for him. I knew how he
must feel, and I was riddled with guilt at my part in it. If only I had not
been such a coward, and sent the letters. Maybe then he might have had
*someone* to share his pain with. Now, though, he must feel utterly
alone. I could imagine him taking the plane ride back to the states,
wanting to cry but not allowing it. I could imagine the raw pain behind
his mask, pain no one but I could see. He did not know I still loved
him. Some of the tears I had held back splashed on the table, but I made
no move to wipe my eyes.
ÒSerena?Ó It was Mina, and I realized that she had been calling
my name for a while.
ÒYes?Ó
ÒDonÕt worry. ItÕs okay. HeÕll be okay, youÕll see.Ó I could
only hope that she was right. There was nothing else I could do but sit
here, and wait.

The next week passed in a flurry of activity, and somehow still
managed to drag on inexorably. It was exam study week, and in
between ruthless drilling sessions with Amy and bouts of self-imposed
study with myself, I worried about Darien. It was nothing new, thinking
of Darien, but now I needed to know exactly what he was doing, and
how he was feeling. I wanted to go find him and tell him that
everything was okay, but I couldnÕt get in touch with him. Although I
knew that it smacked of Ôtoo little, too lateÕ I lost all of my fear of
reaching out to Darien. I knew, even without seeing him, how badly he
was hurting. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling
inconsolably hot, and knew that the bond between us had been
thrumming with his grief. Yet, no matter what I tried, my efforts were
met with failure. When I tried to call the farm, I discovered that the line
had been cut off. I wrote letters and sent them first class, but they were
all sent back, address unavailable. Finally, I made one last desperate
bid to find him, calling every hotel and motel in a thirty-mile radius of
the farm, asking for Darien Chiba. I did not find him. I knew that he
was not trying to avoid me, he just didnÕt know that I was looking. The
fact compounded my guilt because I knew that if I had simply written
him, as he had asked me, I would not be impotent right now, useless in
the face of his grief. So I worried, and studied and tried to sleep and
fended off inquisitive questions about Darien. Even though we had had
practically the most notorious breakup in the whole college, let alone
the freshman class, everyone seemed to think that I would know
something about Darien. I only wished it were true. The constant
reminders of my ignorance did nothing to help my mood. By the time
exam week rolled around, I was ready to climb to the roof of the
highest building in Cambridge and scream my frustration. It was only
with considerable restraint on my part that I didnÕt. I took my exams
stoically, ruthlessly blocking out thoughts of Darien. I thought I did
rather well, all things considered, but I did not care. All I wanted was
for the school year to be over so that I could go home, take a car, and
drive out to rural Maryland myself to find him. Then exam-week
ended, and the school entered a flurry of preparations for graduation
and the imminent departure of its students. I packed my bags with an
obscene haste, noted by Raye but not commented upon. She knew what
drove me, nowadays, and since her relationship with Thomas had
blossomed, she understood it a lot more. I had even agreed to meet my
dad at the airport, no tricks, just to get home sooner. I counted the days
before graduation, because the day after I would go home. My father,
unfortunately, had a debate and that was the earliest he could come.
Even as I chafed with impatience, though, I knew I would miss this
place. As improbable as Harvard had been, it seemed like the perfect
place for me. I would miss it over the summer, especially with my
political father hot on the campaign trial. I was certainly a woman of
contradictions. I couldnÕt wait to go, but dreaded the thought of
leaving. The night before graduation, the five of us sat in my dorm
room, having one final big sleepover. We were all fairly maudlin and
teary-eyed during the entire night, no one looking forward to spending
an entire three months away from each other.
ÒYouÕll write, wonÕt you?Ó Mina asked, shivering slightly in
the wet bra we had dared her to wear for an hour.
ÒAnd call?Ó Lita added, uncharacteristically snuffling.
ÒEmail is better, you know.Ó Amy said pragmatically
ÒAre you kidding?Ó Raye asked. ÒOf course we will!Ó
ÒYeah,Ó I agreed, ÒYou know, we might do something
togetherÑÒ
ÒOh no! No more road trips!Ó Amy wailed and we all started
laughing.
ÒOh all right,Ó I said, smiling ruefully, ÒMaybe no more road
trips. Well, if my dad gets elected, the upside will be that we all can go
wreak havoc at Camp David.Ó
ÒThatÕs a great idea!Ó Lita said, rubbing her hands together.
ÒIÕve always wanted to try out my martial arts skills on those secret
service guys.Ó
We continued like that long into the night, reminiscing about
the year, speculating about what was to come. By the end of the night
we had tentative plans to spend a week in the mountains of West
Virginia. I could privately already imagine the enjoyable disaster that
seemed to follow us five wherever we went. When I slept, my head
pillowed on LitaÕs stomach and MinaÕs head on my thighs, I dreamed
of fire, in all its exquisite glory.

I walked around the strangely deserted campus, feeling lost
and alone. Everyone, even Mina, had left already, and I was left with
the other stragglers, picking up the last of their belongings to scurry
back home. For the hundredth time that night I thought of Darien, and
where his home was, now that he lost his grandfather. I realized
suddenly that I was wearing the same sundress that I had worn the day
we first met. I smiled at the memory, knowing the intimately why I had
kept it these two years. It seemed strange, though, that I would choose
this day to wear it. I wondered if it was some sort of sign, that today I
would see him. I dismissed the thought abruptly. I knew perfectly well
where Darien was, and it certainly wasnÕt here. I sighed and walked to
an open space in the middle of a quadrangle, to admire the sunset. It
streaked the wispy clouds purple and red, and hung low in the sky, a
burning orb of light. Snaky tendrils of crimson fire seemed to reach for
me, and fill me with an inexplicable anticipation. For as long as I could
remember, I had had premonitions of major events in my life. Every
time before, however, they had come in the form of a rushing wave,
rippling through my stomach and leaving me slightly nauseous. For the
first time, I felt a different sensation, somehow more powerful and
telling. As I stared at that sunset, alone on the grass, sundress and
pigtails blowing behind me in the wind, I was overcome with an
incredible fiery power. For a moment time stopped and I felt as if I had
entered the sun, known its power and its secret. For a split-second, I
became one with fire.
And then the sun gave up the battle, sunk below the horizon,
and gave up to the moon. I slumped to the ground, unable to believe
what had just happened. I had always had an overactive imagination,
but this? I shook my head, but the sensation that something incredible
had just happenedÑwas going to happenÑto me would not leave. As
the last of the light left the sky, I stood up, my eyes gradually getting
used to the dark. For a moment, I considered going back to the dorm
and finishing packing my stuff, but decided against it. I still felt like
wandering around. Going back to the dorm seemed so final, like an
admonition that despite all of my premonitions, nothing would happen
to me today. So, instead, I stood up and began walking, not paying the
least attention to where I was heading. I figured that random wandering
was the best method of letting this mysterious event occur. Knowing
my subconscious, it would probably lead me to the right place whether
I wanted to go there or not. So I walked, part of me worried, part of my
disbelieving, and part of me incredibly happy. I was filled with the
power of that sunset, and nothing could harm me. After perhaps an
hour I stopped and looked around. I was not the least surprised to
discover myself in front of DarienÕs old dorm hall. How many times
had I walked there, desperate for even the smallest reminder of his
presence? I sighed in annoyance. I thought that something was going to
happen to meÑI had dared believe the premonition, and of course I had
been disappointed. Why was I standing here, staring at the door like he
would walk through it at any moment, smiling broadly at me? And
why, even as I stood there berating myself, could I not shake the sense
that I was exactly where I was supposed to be? I stomped my foot with
impatience, trying to ignore the hurt ball of disappointment that had
curled itself in a corner of my emotions. God, all I wanted was to be
with him. Why could it never work out properly? Why did something
always have to come between us? And why, when he needed me most,
could I not reach him? It was enough to make me want to lie down
where I was standing and cry in frustration. I almost did, but
something, glinting in the corner of my eye stopped me. My heart
began to pound furiously, and shaking with several emotions I was hard
put to name, I took a few tentative steps around the corner. This canÕt
be happening, the rational side of my mind reasoned. He simply canÕt
be here just because you stared at a sunset and thought you were fire.
Things like that donÕt happen in real life. But that was the rational side
of my mind, and I was practiced in the art of ignoring it. Instead, I
wrapped my arms tightly around my now-shivering body and peered
anxiously in the general direction of DarienÕs window.
	On the windowsill stood a candle, wavering valiantly against
the encroaching darkness, but losing the fight. Calling, perhaps, to the
one person who could save him.

	I donÕt know how long I stood outside, staring at his window.
I was drawn to the fire, and stunned almost to catatonia by the
realization of my vision. After a time, however, I realized that I could
not stand there forever. I had finally been given a chance at controlling
my destiny, and this time I would not let it go. I walked slowly back
around to the front of the building and entered. The halls were eerily
deserted, the people who had remained having long retired to their
beds. Without truly being aware of how I had gotten there, I stood in
front of his door. At that moment the sense of unreality crashed around
me and I suddenly felt like the normal Serena, about to do something
that made her scared enough to faint. I froze in front of the door, not
knowing what to do or how to go about it, only that after all this time, I
had to do something. I could not muster the will to walk away from the
door, or to knock. I could only stand there in an agony of indecision,
contradictory impulses screaming at me to obey them. I wanted to be
with Darien, I had known that for a very long time. I was just so afraid
that he would hurt me again. I had built this wall of dubious protection
around myself and I knew that if I broke it down, it would have to be
for someone I trusted utterly. Even though I loved him, I still wondered
if I could trust him. And yet, beyond me, in that room, lay a man I
knew was being eaten from the inside with grief. All my life, even at
my most inconsolable, I had never been truly alone. I had always had
friends who loved me, and cared what happened to me. Darien, on the
other hand, had always been alone. His grandfather was the first person
who had eased that ache within him, and now he was gone. I had
rejected him with my failure to send the letters. It came down to what
was worth more. Did I care about my little bubble of protection so
much that I was unwilling to do the one thing I possibly could to help
the only person I had ever loved so deeply? Was I so selfish? No, I
decided abruptly. This time I would open myself up, and give myself to
him completely. Even if he destroyed me forever, I could not let him
deal with this alone. Wiping the tears off my face, I opened the door
and walked inside. The door closed behind me with finality.

	I think I gasped when I saw him lying there, but I canÕt be
sure. He was curled in a fetal-like position on his bed, his back toward
the door. All the worrying and aching I had done before this moment
had not prepared me for this sight. I had never seen Darien so
vulnerable, so eaten away by grief. All I wanted to do was rush to him
and hold him. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach,
knowing and seeing his pain. I did not move, though. One odd moment
after I shut the door, he uncoiled and sat up, staring at me with the most
incredible disbelief. His shirt was open, his black hair tousled, and his
eyes red and puffy from crying. His face looked haggard and drained.
	ÒSerena?Ó He asked finally, his voice rough and low. I did not
know what to make of the comment. I needed some acceptance of my
presence, some acknowledgement that he did indeed want me here, but
all I received was stunned disbelief.
	I stepped closer, shaking with the effort not to run to him. I
had not realized how much I missed him until that moment. Even in
this drained state, he looked like an Adonis. I did not know what to say
to him, beyond everything I had ever felt and would feel for this man I
loved.
	ÒDarienÉÓ I said helplessly, and gulped audibly.
	ÒWhat are you doing here?Ó He asked, turning abruptly away
from me and staring at the candle, fire dancing in his eyes.
	ÒIÉÓ I could not seem to say anything. His presence filled my
vision, my thoughts, leaving no room for anything else. I could put my
emotions in words. I didnÕt know how to let him know what I wantedÑ
no, neededÑto give.
	He didnÕt give me a chance though. ÒDo you want to torment
me, Serena? YouÕve made your decision. Just let me try to live my life
without you.Ó His words ripped across the surface of my emotions,
laying me raw before him. I began to cry, in large gulping sobs, and
every effort to stop them only made me cry even harder.
	ÒDarien,Ó I tried again, taking a deep breath, shoving my
meaning past the tears. ÒI didnÕt reject you.Ó I could barely manage a
whisper, but he heard me. His blue eyes bored into me, angrily.
	ÒNot one letter. Not even a postcard. Nothing. Did it all get
lost in the mail?Ó The last comment was delivered in a tone that was at
once biting and hurt. Guilt drowned me, and I struggled hopelessly to
remain at the surface. My words were gone. He had judged and hung
me all in one breath, and I could not deny the sentence. His face
softened as he watched me standing there, weeping inconsolably,
unable to speak.
	ÒIÕm sorry.Ó He said finally, shifting on the bed as though he
wanted to go to me but could not. ÒI have no right to judge you.Ó
	ÒOf course you do.Ó I said bitterly, having finally found my
voice. ÒI wrote the letters, but was too much of a coward to send them.Ó
	He seemed about to say something, but stopped suddenly, and
stared at me in that way of his that consistently turns my knees to jelly.
ÒYou wrote me letters?Ó He asked with an almost frightening intensity.
	I nodded. ÒAn entire drawer full of them. I even put stamps on
some.Ó My sobs had subsided into silent tears. He closed his eyes, the
candlelight making eerie shadows on his face.
	ÒGod, Serena,Ó he breathed, ÒDo you know how badly IÕve
needed you?Ó
	That was it. It was as if he were a witch and had finally
released the spell that bound my feet to the floor. In a split second I was
across the room and beside him, hugging him so tightly I thought I
should never let go. We held on to each other like that for a while,
embracing the other eagerly as my fire met his and flamed all the more
brightly in answer. Finally, after all this time, and all this pain, I was
next to him again. Gently, his hand traced my face as his eyes took my
appearance in voraciously. He looked as if he would memorize me this
way, so he could always remember this moment. I for one knew that it
was permanently branded in my memory. Finally, his fingers traced my
lips, shaking with desire or fear, I donÕt know.
	Then he kissed me. Every kiss I shared with Darien had been a
wildly different and memorable experience. This one, however, made
every last one of them look like awkward eighth grade kisses over spin-
the-bottle. The fire I had felt in that sunset crackled between us like a
live emanation, swirling in and out of my body and his, fusing out souls
into one solid entity. I forgot who I was, where I was, everything I had
ever learned. In that one moment, all that mattered was Darien and that
I loved him. I clung to that knowledge even as the sea of my emotions
spun around me. Even as I desperately reached for more and more of
him, I held to that thought as the only thing that would keep me sane.
Perhaps it was. After a blissful eternity we parted, and if DarienÕs
expression was anything to go on, his experience had been much the
same as mine. He gripped my hands gently, if fervently, and opened his
mouth although it took him several tries to get anything out of it.
	ÒStay with me.Ó He said finally, looking as if his sanity
depended upon it. Again reality crashed upon me and I remembered
why I had come here in the first place: his grandfather. I gently eased
myself behind him and wrapped both of my arms around his large
form. They just barely encircled him.
	ÒOf course.Ó I whispered into his ear, and then realized that he
was crying. He cried like he didnÕt quite know how to go about doing
it, but like his heart was broken.
	ÒWhatÕs wrong?Ó I whispered, frightened although I already
knew his answer. I desperately wanted to help him, but what could I
do? For a long time I didnÕt think he would respond. He just lay against
me as I rocked gently, silently willing my arms to block the pain of the
world from him.
	ÒAt his funeral,Ó he began, so unexpectedly that I froze for a
second. He spoke as if he were driven to say those things, but did not
consciously want to. It was all I could do to listen. ÒI realized it. In
Japan it had seemed so unreal. I grieved for him rationally, but I just
couldnÕt believe that he was actually dead. He had seemed invincible to
me. When I got back here, I saw the body, and I knew, but I was too
busy to focus on it. I thought about you, a lot, to distract me. I
remembered the way you would crawl under the table at the parlor,
looking for your wallet to pay for your milkshakes, and I got through
the week. At the funeral, though, it finally hit me.Ó He stopped then,
seeming to drift off into a place I couldnÕt follow and that scared me.
	ÒWhat hit you?Ó I prompted, dragging him back to the present.
	ÒThat I was all alone.Ó He said finally. ÒGrandfather was the
only one I had left. You had given up on me, but at least, I thought, I
still had him. But when I watched them put the dirt on his coffinÉÓ He
broke off, crying again in that odd, disjointed way that made me want
cry myself. I felt totally helpless in the face of his grief.
	I slid back around beside him, and turned his head so he
looked directly in my eyes. The hopelessness and pain I saw there made
me shiver. ÒDarien.Ó I said, but he didnÕt hear me. ÒDarien.Ó I said
again, insistently and I knew he listened. ÒThatÕs not true.Ó I said,
trying to hold the world steady through the film of my tears. ÒIt wonÕt
ever need to be true again. You arenÕt alone, do you hear me? No
matter what happens, from now on, youÕll always have me.Ó At my
words a light shone in his eyes that I had not seen there, and gave me
inexpressible relief.
	ÒWhy?Ó He choked.
	ÒBecause I love you.Ó I whispered, staring into his opaque
blue eyes. ÒBecause you are the only person I can love like this, and I
will never leave you again.Ó
	ÒNever too late.Ó Darien quoted hoarsely.
	ÒNo,Ó I agreed. ÒNever.Ó

	We lay against each other for a while, enjoying DarienÕs
breathing, the feel of his skin against mine. His large hands enveloped
mine and the warmth traveled up my body in lazy spurts of fire. At
some unknown moment, however, the candle blew out. There was no
physical reason for it to do so; the window was closed, and neither
Darien nor I was close enough to blow it out. Almost of its own accord
the candle spluttered and died, surprising the both of us and plunging
the room into darkness. Darien began to move to check what had
happened, but a suddenly insistent urge made me stop him. He looked
at me silently, questioning. Smiling slightly, I unbuttoned the rest of his
shirt and let it flutter to the floor. I paused for a moment to admire his
chest in the moonlight. In a passing moment of fancy, I wondered if the
fire from the candle had filled me with this uncontrollable desire.
Darien caught on quickly, pushing me down on the bed to undo the
buttons on my sundress. Halfway down he paused, and stared at me
with the ghost of a smile on his face.
	ÒThis dressÉÓ he began.
	ÒYes.Ó I answered, even before he asked the question.
	ÒEven then?Ó He asked, his eyes searching my face.
	ÒNo,Ó I said, smiling. ÒEven earlier.Ó I drew him down to me,
and kissed him ruthlessly. Finally, I could do what I had longed to do
practically since puberty. I merged my soul with him, drove myself to
the ground with him, and then began again. I explored the innermost
reaches of love that night, and was rather surprised I lived to relate the
experience.
	That night, if one looked very closely, they might have seen an
odd flickering of light in one particular dorm room. They would not,
however, have noticed any candle.

	That morning I awoke happier and more satisfied than I could
remember being. I lay sprawled across DarienÕs chest, my blond hair
strewn around me. My hand still held his possessively. I stretched
gently, careful not to wake him. I was excited to see him sleeping, an
activity well cultivated by heroines of romance novels after the event.
Even as I turned my head, however, I realized that all was not going
precisely according to plan. Namely, he was awake. He smiled at me
with a delicately arched eyebrow, as if he knew precisely what I was
thinking.
	ÒWell, welcome to the world of the living, Serena.Ó He teased,
his voice so much more relaxed and calm than it had been the night
before that he sounded like two different people.
	ÒWhat time is it?Ó I asked, at once yawning and inching my
way up his chest, until I was almost nose to nose with him.
	ÒOnly eleven.Ó He said, running his fingers idly through my
hair. At least, perhaps he thought the gesture idle. Watching him do it
was making me shake with remembered pleasure of the night before.
One benefit of falling in love with a reformed player, I mused, was his
unquestioned skill in bed. Even as I thought that, however, another
more insistent idea entered my head. I perked up immediately, and
began sniffing the air like a rabbit.
	ÒWhat are you doing, Serena?Ó He asked, laughing slightly.
	I didnÕt answer him, so intent was I on my quarry. Finally, I
realized what I had been smelling.
	ÒYou have peaches!Ó I accused, immediately tumbling out of
bed to look for them. Darien stared at me for a while before speaking.
	ÒAre you aware that youÕre naked?Ó He asked, ostentatiously
looking me up and down. I flushed, but held my ground.
	ÒWhere are the peaches?Ó I demanded. Not even taking his
eyes off me, he lazily reached around the side of the bed, and pulled out
a box.
	ÒI brought them for you, you know.Ó He said quietly, and I
stared at him, touched beyond speech. When he came up here, he
thought that I wanted nothing to do with him. Yet he had still thought
to bring the reminder of our first meeting with him, in the hope that I
may want it. The moment passed and Darien, apparently deciding that
he had had enough of just looking at me, summarily picked me up,
tossed me on the bed and climbed in after me. He picked out the fattest,
juiciest looking peachÑapparently by touchÑand smiled at me. I shut
my eyes a little, trying to understand how it was possible to love
someone this much, and then gave up trying. I would just have to
accept it, and see what happened.
	Over the next two hours, I realized that I would never look at a
peach as just a fruit again.

	Good-byes are, of course, always painful. But I never knew
how painful until that evening. After the bliss I had experienced with
Darien that day, leaving him was proving practically impossible. It felt
as if I were ripping some vital organ out of my body, and putting it on
the train. On the ride there he had scribbled the number and address of
where I could reach himÑa friendÕs house. I clutched it in my hand as
my vital link, unwilling to let it out of my sight for a second. I had
realized why Darien had come back to HarvardÑhe hadnÕt taken all of
his stuff from his dorm when he left for Japan, and needed to come
back for it. I didnÕt care so much for the reason, though, just the
improbable and incredible fact that he was *here*, next to me, and that
I loved him. We stood on the platform even as the final boarding call
sounded, and I knew he wanted to leave me about as much as I did. He
held my hands, and I marveled at how I could be surprised every time
the fire shot through my body.
	ÒI just have to deal with some things.Ó He said his eyes
searching my face again. ÒIt should only take about a month.Ó
	I nodded, my mouth dry. ÒIÕll be waiting. Come quickly.Ó
	He smiled, lifted me clean off my feet, and kissed me
thoroughly. ÒDonÕt worry.Ó He said as he set me down. We both
realized at the same moment that he was about to miss his train, so with
one last glance at me, he picked up his bags and leaped on, leaving me
to stare after him. I waited there long after the train left, wondering how
to survive a month without him.

	As expected, dad picked me up with as much fanfare as
possible, but I was too distracted to care very much. He was definitely
relieved, though, that I had decided to come this time. I wondered how
much embarrassment I had caused him the time before, and did not feel
a smidgen of regret about it. Mom was obviously happy to see me, and
she chattered away about various parties and functions I would attend
this summer. I let her go on for a while, but then I realized that what
she described would be impossible. I had changed too much to even try
to fit in that circle.
	ÒI donÕt think so, mom.Ó I said gently.
	ÒBut the WilliamsÕ werenÕt too happyÑÒ she cut herself off
when she heard what I said. ÒWhat?Ó she asked, obviously not
understanding.
	ÒI mean, I donÕt think I can do all those things. ItÕs just not in
me anymore.Ó
	ÒSerenaÉÓ My father said warningly, but I ignored him.
	ÒYou guys really have to understand something: IÕm not cut
out for this lifestyle and I never will be. You have to accept that about
me. I wonÕt be here the entire summer, anyway.Ó No, I finished inside
my head, I will only be here for a month more.
	ÒSerena,Ó dad said firmly, ÒItÕs your duty as my daughter to
attend these functions, and I intend to make sure that you do. Also,
your mother and I have been discussing some suitable dates for youÑÒ
	I cut him off. ÒDad, do you really not understand? IÕm not
doing this anymore. And I am *definitely* not going on any more set-
up dates. I already have a boyfriend. If I bring anyone, it will be him.Ó
	ÒThe peach farmer!Ó dad spluttered in disbelief.
	I smiled happily. ÒYes, the peach farmer.Ó

	Life in the Johnston household wasnÕt exactly peaceful over
the next month. I dodged my parents, refused to go on any set-up dates
whatsoever, and camped out at MollyÕs house more than once. After a
while, they figured out that I was serious. I wrote to Darien every day,
and this time I sent the letters. I called him all the time, just to hear 
his
voice and to reassure him that this time, things would work out between
us. Darien kept me sane that month, because left to their own devices,
mom and dad would have forced me to their will. He gave me the
strength to resist them. I read his letters over a hundred times, feeling
like the glow of happiness surrounding me would never leave. Through
various means of communication, Raye, Amy, Lita and Mina had all
discovered what had happened between us and were ecstatic. Mina,
especially, felt that her matchmaking talents had been vindicated. Of
course, she was always claiming the credit for successful relationships.
Then in June, I received some terrible news. Well, not to sound
melodramatic, but it made me rather upset. The Uptown Scoop, ice
cream shop extroardinaire, and my favorite summer hangout, was
closing. A larger realtor group, wanting to turn the entire block into
chain stores had evicted them. [AN: This is actually true, but the real
Uptown Scoop closed in February.] I went to their goodbye party with
MollyÑafter having sneaked out of the house. It was the same night as
some big function my parents wanted me to attend. Molly and I
commiserated with the owner, ate free ice cream, danced to oldies
music and signed the guest book. I came close to tears more than once,
especially when I realized that I would never again have a strawberry-
chocolate milkshake from this place. It seemed like the end of an era.
	I donÕt know how I knew he was there. One moment I was
giggling with Molly and the next my back straightened, tingling with
anticipation. I could sense him in the doorway, his eyes boring into my
back.
	ÒDonÕt turn around,Ó Molly said breathlessly, ÒBut there is the
hottest man I have ever seen standing in that doorway and heÕs staring
straight at you!Ó
	I closed my eyes briefly and said a prayer of thanks. ÒDo you
remember what I told you about Darien?Ó I asked, looking at her
meaningfully.
	ÒYou meanÉÓ she trailed off, realization dawning. ÒOh my
God! ThatÕs Darien!Ó She exclaimed, and her voice was so loud I knew
he must have heard her. I felt him walk up behind me, but I still didnÕt
turn around. My hands gripped each other so tightly that my knuckles
turned white, and I held my breath in anticipation. He put his hand on
my shoulder, gently, and turned my face to his. The second I stared into
his eyes I melted, was engulfed by fire. We said nothing, our lips drawn
irresistibly forward. I kissed him for an eternal moment of joy, making
up for the month without him. He broke it off, staring at me with a
goofy smile.
	ÒHow did you know?Ó I asked breathlessly, still caught in his
embrace.
	ÒOh, you only mentioned it about twenty times in your
letters.Ó He teased, still holding me there. One arm possessively around
my shoulders, he turned to the girl behind the counter, staring at the
both of us with surprise.
	ÒOne chocolate-strawberry milkshake, please?Ó He asked, and
smiled at me.
	I was practically screaming inside with joy. ÒWith vanilla
syrup.Ó I amended wryly to Darien, and he winked at me. Suddenly I
grew aware of Molly behind us, turning bright red with jealousy.
	ÒOh, Darien,Ó I said, winking at her, ÒThis is my friend
Molly.Ó She looked about ready to faint when he shook her hand, and I
wondered objectively if that was how I had reacted the first time I saw
him.
The girl behind the counter handed me the milkshake and a straw. I
sipped it happily, knowing that this was the last one I would ever have
from this place. With Darien here, though, the thought seemed less sad
than it had five minutes ago.
	ÒAs good as mine?Ó He asked, after he sat down on a bench
and I sat on his lap. I settled myself comfortably in his arms.
	ÒBetter.Ó I said, still sipping.
	ÒIÕm mortally offended!Ó He joked, reaching for the cup. I let
him have a sip, and he put on an expression of mock bliss.
	ÒWell, IÕm biased.Ó He said finally, after he opened his eyes.
	ÒWhy?Ó I asked, suddenly forgetting the milkshake.
	ÒBecause it tastes like you.Ó Trust Darien to find the most
romantic thing to say at all times, I thought, while I happily kissed him
again. He was right, of course. As great as a milkshake tasted, Darien
tasted much better. Some time later, as I was finishing my milkshake, I
noticed that Darien was lost in thought. I waved my hand in front of his
eyes, but he barely registered it.
	ÒDarien?Ó I questioned, softly.
	ÒWhat?Ó He said, startled. ÒOh, sorry Serena.Ó He was silent
for a moment longer, as I stared at him in concern. I knew these past
few weeks had been hard on him. ÒHave I told you that I love you?Ó He
asked finally, surprising me so much I practically dropped my
milkshake.
	ÒNot out loud,Ó I said finally, ÒI donÕt think so.Ó
	ÒWell,Ó He said firmly, ÒI do love you, Usako.Ó
	I smiled up at him, nearly overcome with joy. ÒOf course you
do, silly! IÕve known that for a long time.Ó
	He looked stunned. ÒYou have?Ó
	ÒYep.Ó I teased, leaning into him. ÒFemale intuition and a little
bit of fire.Ó
	ÒFire?Ó He repeated, confused.
	I grunted an affirmative, reluctantly extracting myself from his
arms and his lap. He stood up after me. ÒIt tells me things.Ó I said
sententiously, hoping that I didnÕt sound too crazy. ÒLike right now,
you and I are going to do something monumental.Ó
	ÒWe are?Ó He asked, understanding suddenly dawning in his
eyes. I nodded, and grabbed his hand. As I led him out the door, I
winked at an open-mouthed Molly. I led him into the humid air of a DC
summer night, and twirled a few times, enjoying the feel of the wind
through my hair. He watched me, a smile on his lips, utterly lacking
mockery, only love.
	ÒFirst.Ó I said, finally. ÒIÕm going to teach you a little bit about
fire.Ó Part of me was surprised that I had lost all of my inhibitions, but I
knew that with Darien I would never need them again. I trusted him
now, completely. Wrapping my arms seductively around his shoulders I
kissed him more thoroughly than we were able back in the ice cream
parlor. If pedestrians stopped to stare, I didnÕt notice. Instead, I drank
fire. It seared us, filling us both so quickly that I had to stop before
things went too far. My lips burned when we pulled apart.
	ÒIÉthink I understand.Ó He whispered in my hair.
	ÒI thought you would.Ó

	ÒSerena!Ó My dad thundered, shaking his fist at me, and then
retreating to the breakfast table. Mom looked at me with a strange
mixture of joy and fear. I held onto DarienÕs hand harder, for support,
and he squeezed back reassuringly.
	ÒI absolutely *refuse* to allow you to leave for the rest of the
summer, do you hear me? You are forbidden!Ó If he didnÕt calm down
soon, part of me reflected, he would have a heart attack.
	ÒYou canÕt forbid me from doing this, dad. Besides, itÕs not
the whole summer, itÕs just a month.Ó
	ÒIf you were with someone respectable, I might consider it.
But I absolutely refuse to allow you to gallivant across the country with
thisÉthisÉbohemian!Ó I sighed, and looked up at Darien, apologizing
with my eyes. Darien, however, did not look very offended. If
anything, he looked slightly amused.
	ÒAt least wait until tonight, dear.Ó Mom said, trying to keep
the peace. I felt sorry for her. I had never realized before how difficult
her position was in this family. While she did not always agree with
dad, she had to go along with him. His notions of a womanÕs Ôproper
placeÕ did not allow for much dissention.
	ÒYes, sheÕs right!Ó Dad said triumphantly. ÒThere is an
important function tonight, and I expressly told reporters that you
would be there.Ó
	Well, now was the moment of truth. I took a deep breath, and I
felt DarienÕs strength flow into me. It was now, or never.
	ÒThatÕs okay, Dad.Ó I said, with a nonchalance I didnÕt feel.
My heart was pounding so hard I wondered if *I* would have a heart
attack. ÒNo need to worry about the reporters.Ó
	ÒWhat do you mean?Ó He asked warily, his politician self
sensing a trap.
	ÒOh,Ó I said nonchalantly, suddenly noticing the newspaper
still in its plastic by the door. In a swift movement I picked it up, took
off the plastic, and tossed it to my father. To his credit, he caught it
easily.
	ÒWhatÕs going on here?Ó He asked, his eyes narrowing.
Perhaps he knew me better than I had thought. Well, there was no
turning back now. And to tell the truth I didnÕt want to. I had made my
decision, and I would never regret it. I felt Darien beside me, lending
me his strength, and I felt his love for me. I also felt the fire between
us, what we had shared countless times before, but what he had learned
just last night. I thought of all this and suddenly I wasnÕt scared
anymore. Darien would never leave me, and I would never be scared
again.
	ÒIÕve already notified all the major newspapers and television
stations.Ó All those lessons in mockery from Darien had really paid off.
	ÒNotified them of what?Ó He asked, and I realized that he
really didnÕt know. He didnÕt even suspect. After all this time, after all I
had tried to tell him, and he never supposed that I was capable of this
final slap in the face. Oh well, I thought, unable to hide my grin, all the
more fun for me.
	ÒOh, you donÕt know?Ó I said, feigning surprise, as I turned to
walk out the door with Darien. I timed the last line perfectly, right
before the door closed and anybody could stop me, or object:
	ÒWeÕre married.Ó

***************************************

<Takes a deep breath> IÕM FINISHED!!!! IÕm sorry, IÕm still
staring around the world in utter disbelief. This story has been a
journey for myself as well as all of you. It happens to be the longest
story I have ever written (itÕs legally a novel) as well as perhaps my
favorite. I am really going to miss rushing to my mailbox (email) to see
if people had read it and what they thought. I loved everyone who
emailed me, and all of your feedback really made me happy! IÕve met
so many more people doing this thing, and I couldnÕt have had a better
welcome back into fanfic land. I hope you were surprised by the
endingÉI had the *best* time writing it! I suppose this story really has
been an emotional roller coaster, and I hope all you guys wonÕt
abandon me now that itÕs over! IÕve got some other fanfics up my
sleeve, although it will probably be a month or more before I start
posting again. My biggest thank you for this chapter goes out to the
self-appointed goddess (and/or president of the National Redneck
Association) Amanda, who inspired me to finish Fire. Finally, about an
epilogue. There may be one, there may not, keep an eye out the next
two weeks. IÕm still trying to decide if it would be better, or just to
leave it at this.
	Well, thatÕs all I have to say, because I donÕt want to drag this
thing out. Have fun, email me, and I hope you enjoyed the ride.

Lois