Lois Fogg
More Than Words
Rated somewhere between PG-13 and R

AuthorÕs Notes: Well, here it is, the oddest thing IÕve ever done, written
a songfic. Now, this might not seem odd, but I am not known for my
love of songfics, so itÕs a little strange that IÕve gone and written one.
That being said, I have read a couple good ones (Merideth Bronwen
Mallory, I think). Anyway, when I heard this song, it just seemed
absolutely perfect, and I just *had* to write a story. ItÕs also not quite a
songfic, since the song is all at the end, not interspersed with the
narration. You will notice that it is short (compared to my other
stories), which is probably because IÕve been spending all my extra
writing time on Fantasy. The next book is out now, so go READ IT, if
you havenÕt already done so, of course <nudge, nudge>. BTW, if you
havenÕt heard this song, go out and download the MP3 or something,
because itÕs absolutely beautiful. Anyway, go and email about this to
tell me what you think. ItÕs been a while since IÕve written a bona-fide,
about sailor moon during a pinpointed season and episode, fanfic. I
think the last one was Bread and Chocolate, actuallyÉyikes! All right,
IÕm ending in a second, just gotta do the disclaimer junk: I donÕt own
Sailor Moon, and youÕd just get a whole lot of rubber if you sued me.
Also, Extreme owns the song. Oh, and one more thing (almost done, I
swear), read Sailor JesÕ Butterfly Unfolding!! It is *so* incredible,
especially chapter three! All right, *now* IÕm done.

********************************************


My lips tingle with the memory of our kiss. Oh god, those months were
so awfulÉfor the both of us, I suppose. For her, most of all. How she
could have forgiven me after what I did to her, it shocks me to my core.
I donÕt know what I would do without Usako, it strikes me as amazing
that I managed to live without her for so long. But then again, it was
only the semblance of a life. But nowÉnow against all odds and hope,
I have her back. Once again I am Mamo-chan, not Mamoru-san, and
my heart singsÑcliched though the phrase may be, itÕs perfectly true. I
love her, so much that it hurts, and now, finally, I can tell her so. No
more fear, this time things will finally be perfect again.

I can hear her in the other room, stumbling softly as she changes. A
smile lights my features, because I now the memory of my loneliness
seems so remote. Was it only this evening that she saved me? A grand
chase on Tokyo rooftops lit by a blood-red sunset, a dark figure, cape
trailing, ran away from the one girl who could save him, because his
presence would kill her. All other times she let him go, alone in his
misery, to while away the time until another chance encounter, a
locking of eyes, a quick spark of intuition, and another departure. But
this time she chased him, desperation quickening her steps. Looking at
her that time I lost my moorings, found my restraint and ability to stay
away from her completely and utterly gone. How, I wondered in an
odango-induced daze, had I ever managed to stay away from her in the
first place? It all seemed so ridiculously easy to tell her, for that
beautiful light in her eyes to shine again, to accept her kiss, envelop her
in his warmth and swear to never leave her again.

I can hardly believe that this is her idea. I hesitated at first, but in the
end, I am putty in her hands, a willing vessel for anything she desires of
me, even my own death. Not, I think smiling even more broadly, as
though this is anything so drastic. In fact, this is quickly becoming the
best day of my life.
I start when she opens the door, shyly peering in long-lashed wonder. I
cannot breathe. Oh God, she is so beautiful. She has released her hair
from its perpetual odangoes, and it falls to her calves in glorious gold
cascades. She wears something whiteÑI think itÕs made of silkÑbut
the shape of her fills my vision, how that fabric clings so innocently to
her curves. Her lip trembles slightly, I can tell that sheÕs nervous. But
determinedÉif nothing else Usako is determined. She takes a halting
step forward, unconsciously sexy. Or perhaps it is just my perception of
her, colored only as love can. I move to come to her, but an upraised
hand holds me as fast as a rope. I cannot move, only look, and marvel
at her.

ÒUsakoÉÓ I whisper, overcome. How could I have gone so long
without this? How could I have *lived*? I didnÕt, oh, I didnÕt. I was
only a body powered by a heart of coalÉbut nowÉI feel like fire [AN:
<wink>] She puts her hand to her lips, so simple a gesture but I find
myself shivering uncontrollably. That she can do this to me, rend my
insides, make me so vulnerableÉI cannot think about it. It may be my
downfall but it is alsoÉmy redemption. SlowlyÉachingly slowly she
comes towards me. All the time her eyes are fixed on mine, their depths
holding so much. Pain, I still see so much there, and it scares me
because if even now she feels that, how must I have hurt her before? I
am overcome with such a sense of guilt that I find myself unwilling to
even look her in her eyes. How dare I call myself her protector, when I
couldnÕt even spare her this? All I had done was for her sakeÉyet
when I look in those eyes it seems like an indictment. I should get up
right now, leave her sight, no longer pretend that I am worthy of her
love, I shouldÉ

But she forces her gaze upon mine, as though she can read my
thoughts. And somehow, I know, she can. That is this girlÑno,
womanÕsÑ incredible gift. She understands peopleÉeven me. And I
can see joy there, as well, mingled with the pain, fear for what she is
about to do, and relief for finally doing it. She climbs over the edge of
my bed silently, her gaze never leaving my face. Hesitantly, as if
unsure of what to do now that she has come this far, she picks up my
limp hand. I feel the power between us strumming up and down my
body. I am shivering, but so is she.

ÒMamo-chan.Ó She whispers, wonderingly, her face slowly closing in
on mine. My eyes remain open, staring, drinking in her body, her skin,
her hair. Then our lips meet and I am carried into that far off world that
our kisses always take me. Imagine, two in one day. That morning I
had not allowed myself to imagine that I would ever feel them again.
My eyes close, my mind is loose from my body, my arms know only
this one woman, braver than anyone I know. She releases only as she
looses air and stares at me again. She runs her hand gently over my
face, as if she wants to remember every nuance of my features. And she
looks so unsure, so scared, that I just want to tell her, over and over
again that I love her, that I will never leave her again, oh, my Usako, I
love you so muchÉ
But she always knows what IÕm thinking. She silences me even before
the words escape my mouth, that old pain in her eyes. My stomach
clenches. What did I do? I want so badly to make it up to her, but I
donÕt understand.

ÒWhatÕs wrong?Ó I whisper, a raw edge in my voice. She remains mute,
only burying her head in my chest, slowly unbuttoning my shirt.
Though she strains to hide it, I feel a tear course down her cheek.
Gently, oh so gently, I lift her head to mine, and flinch at the sadness in
her eyes.

ÒTell me, please.Ó I say softly. She shakes her head silently, and our
gazes lock again. Others join the single tear until she is sobbing, unable
to stop, no sound escaping her throat. Biting back tears of my own, I
pull her gently to my chest and hold her there, stroking her lovely hair.
She lies there for a time, crying as if I was breaking her heart all over
again, and I wonder if I am.

ÒI love you.Ó I whisper helplessly, unsure of what else to say. But my
words seem to startle her, and she raises her face to mine.

ÒDonÕt say that.Ó She says with such finality that I am taken aback,
struck emotionally far more deeply than anyone could hurt me
physically. I have no right to be so shocked, though. If she doesnÕt love
me, I only deserve it. I begin to push her away, to get off the bed, to
leave and somehow try to live with myself again, but she holds me
tightly, refusing to let me go.

ÒNoÉI donÕt mean it like that,Ó she begins. She bites her lip as she
searches for words, and I find myself more drawn to her than ever.
How is it even possible to love someone this much? It could be such
bliss, and such agony, but I would never give it up. Usako is worth
anything.

ÒI mean,Ó she says slowly, Òthat there has to beÉmore, Mamo-chan. I
just canÕtÉcanÕtÉÓ She begins to cry again, unable to finish her
sentence, and I comfort her helplessly. How could I have done this?
Even in the name of love, it seems impossible that this pain could have
been worth it. YetÉher life was worth everything.
ÒBelieve you.Ó She whispers finally, reluctantly.

Oh, god. Of course. I have told her so, but after what I did, how could I
possibly expect her to believe me? What could words do to erase this
depth of pain? It was so achingly, painfully obvious, and I, like the fool
I am, refused to see it. Tears escape my eyes, and I blink them back
furiously. What right have I to cry, in the face of this?

ÒHowÉÓ I begin, endeavoring to frame a question that seems
impossible. Because, Usako, my dear Usako, I do love you. There must
be, somehow, a way to tell you that, a way for you to understand so that
you never have to doubt again.

ÒDonÕt just say it.Ó She says, so unexpectedly that I almost miss it. Her
voice is soft, and muffled in the folds of my shirt. My first thought is to
question her, but I force myself into silence. I could not help her by
interrogating her, I had to first try to understand what she was feeling.
DonÕt just say it? But, how could I tell her I love her without saying it?
It seemed like a paradox, yet one that was causing Usako an almost
unbearable pain.

Yet perhapsÉ
The reality dawns without warning. The old adage to show and not tell,
back to haunt me once again. I had to go far beyond words, far beyond
emotion, into the realm of pure knowledge. She will never doubt again
because she will know. I gently lift her head from my chest and lay it
on the pillow. After taking a deep breath, I raise the nightgown tenderly
over her head. She stares at me, confused, but trusting. The last of her
tears has dried. I stare, captivated by the glory of her for a moment,
stunned into stillness. Only Usako could be so beautiful, so perfect.
In an act not quite overtly sexual, I inspect every part of that perfect
body, memorizing it as she had memorized my face earlier. As my
hands run over her body she as well as I shiver with pleasure and
something different. I worship every part of her, my eyes and hands
completely unguarded. Oh, I love her in this moment, perhaps more
deeply than I ever have. There is something about this that goes far
deeper than words. When I am finished, I raise my head slowly above
her own, eyes open, waiting for her verdict.

ÒOh, Mamo-chan,Ó she sighs, and that sigh holds all the answer that IÕll
ever need. As we come together this time, I know that there will never
be any need for anything else. She knows, as well as I. Our love has, if
anything, grown stronger because of it.

ÒMore than wordsÉÓ Usako whispers as we hurl ourselves over the
edge of passion.
And sheÕs right, of course. There has always been far, far more.

*****************************

More Than Words by Extreme
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'Cause I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away?
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words.....

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'Cause I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away?
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words.....