Fanfic #1
Many thanks from Beth for this awesome fic! It is the funniest LotR humour I have ever seen!
Lessons From The Fellowship
Lesson One:
Being A Ringbearer with Frodo Baggins
Frodo: Hello. I am the bearer of the One Ring. To be a Ring-bearer, you have to be brave, pure, devoted, and-
Merry: Fall down a lot.
Frodo: MERRY!
Merry: Well, you do. It's like, we stand up to fight, and you back away in fear and fall down. We're walking up a hill, you fall down. You're being chased, you *gasp* fall down. It happened at LEAST 10 times in the movie.
*The rest of the Fellowship nods in agreement.*
Lesson Two:
The Usefulness Of Cookware
with Samwise Gamgee
Sam: I am Samwise Gamgee. I accompany that hobbit that falls down a lot. These are my cooking pans. These babies not only fry up some killer bacon and tomatoes, but also make so much noise they attract every Orc or Ringwraithe within a mile's radius. Not to worry, they double as weapons.
Pippin: But aren't even a hundredth as useful as, I dunno, that sword you carry.
Sam: We all have our weapons of choice.
Lesson Three:
Archery
with Legolas Greenleaf
Legolas: Greetings. As the expert archer of this group, I will be teaching this lesson. Elves usually are very good archers, and I am one of the best. First, draw an arrow out of your quiver, then knock it. Take careful aim at the target you want to hit, pull the bowstring back, and release!
Gimli: ACK!! *drops dead*
Legolas: ^______^ Time to get a new Gimli!
Lesson Four:
Swordsmanship
with Aragorn/Strider/Elessar
Aragorn: A sword is a very useful weapon. If you have a sword of Elven- craft, you are especially lucky-
Pippin: You mean like Sting?
Aragorn: Yes. Now the correct way to hold a sword is like-
Merry: Do you have an Elven sword?
Aragorn: Yes, now-
Pippin: Just wondering, what IS your real name?
Aragorn: ARAGORN. Now if you two would-
Merry: How come you're not showing them proper swordsmanship?
Aragorn: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! COME HERE, YOU ANNOYING LITTLE HALFLINGS!!!!!!!!!!
Lesson Five:
How To Survive Multiple Arrows To The Chest
with Boromir of Gondor
Boromir: First of all, I'm a main character, so I can't die THAT easily. But dying is definitely an option, as you know. But living for a bit longer with three arrows is easier than it was to live in the book, when I was stuck up like a voodoo doll. But dying for a couple of halflings is so NOT cool. But seriously, I probably should of died, seeing as how that first arrow was right where my heart should be.
Frodo: You have a heart?
Lesson Six:
How To Translate Elvish Wrong, Giving Boromir/Merry Time To Awaken A Swamp Monster
with Gandalf the Grey
Gandalf: So it said "Say friend, and enter," not "Speak, friend, and enter." How was I to know that?! At least I figured it out in the end!
Frodo: But not soon enough! That THING touched me!
Gandalf: Live with it. You're alive, aren't you?
*~*~*
D45: What did you learn today, Frodo?
Frodo: I have no purpose but to fall down.
D45: How 'bout you, Sam?
Sam: No one has proper appreciation for cookware.
D45: Legolas?
Legolas: Dwarves make good targets.
D45: Did you learn anything new, Boromir?
Boromir: No one likes a Boromir Pincushion(tm). I will die from the first arrow next time.
D45: Gandalf, any answers?
Gandalf: I will let the Elf translate Elvish next time.
D45: Arag- Hey, Aragorn?
Aragorn: I’m here. I learned hobbits are useless, aggravating creatures.
D45: Did Merry or Pippin learn anything?
Merry: Don’t mess with a Ranger’s head.
Pippin: Ditto. *both are tied to tree trunks, surrounded by Wargs and Orcs*
D45: And finally, a word from Gimli.
Gimli: x_x
D45: Or not.
