Kate: Shit! I have my oral French exam tomorrow! That's not good!
Lauren: Well, I have my oral Spanish exam on Friday. And that's not tomorrow!
Kimi: Here, let's switch pencils.
Jess: No! It doesn't have an eraser!
Kimi: Well... it's more expensive!
This is why my face hurts.
Jess: I love you all, but you're just giving me a mental headache.
And this is why some of us are in advanced math.
Sara: It was tripled by 5000%
Jess: Where's the third half?
Question: What is the sketchiest book you have ever read?
Jess: Hey, Jennah. I bet you'd say the Official ‘N Sync Book.
Jennah:
Sara: I don't like tampons. I mean, I always get the feeling I'm putting it in the wrong hole.
We're discussing the various biomes.
Mrs. Rogers: Does anyone know of a particular savanna?
Elisabeth: Savannah, Georgia!
Well, we all loved Beowulf, right? Now for some test questions:
Clare: Does Grendel's mother have the anatomy of a woman?
Maybe some of us just don't want to pay attention, but I think Mrs. Rogers gets a little touchy when we divert our attention momentarily.
Mrs. Rogers: Lauren! Pay attention!
Lauren:
Jennah: We evoluted from apes.
The innocent comment
Emma: ...and he grabbed me from behind! And his back and chest were covered all in acne. It was all bumpy!
Jennah: Well, a girl's chest is bumpy too...!
Gotta get ready for 2000!
Morgan: What are you going to be doing in 2000?
Lindsay: Getting drunk and having unprotected sex.
Jess: Nah, you'd never do that.
Lindsay: Yeah I would!
Jess: No you wouldn't.
Lindsay: Okay, you're right. I'd use protection.
Jess: I'll make you a mix tape, sure. But if you don't like it, I'm sorry.
Sara: Oh, that's okay. I have very low standards.
Trying to understand metabolism...
Mrs. Turner: Some people just eat more than other people. Like I do. I eat like a horse. You can tell by the way my skirt fits.
Our ninth grade cheer:
Sara: When I say nine, you say -th. Nine-th! Nine-th!
In Chinese class, our teacher has this thing about teaching us songs, like counting songs or "welcome, welcome!" songs. Anyway, she forces us to sing them to practice our new vocabulary. But I don't think she likes the way we sing.
Xie Laoshi: Okay. Let's try to sing like normal people this time.
True, we do seem to get too excited when guys come around.
Sara: We're so deprived, we attack the guys! Or maybe that's just me.
Ms. Neely: ...and we're going to do the play Our Town, which I think we should video tape.
Clare: We're going to video tape the book?
Mandy: Are we going to have to go back to peddling and horses when the pollution gets so bad?
Abby: No, we're just going to have to get better sunglasses.
Again, our Biology learning devices become weird.
Clare: Hey! We can act out reproduction like we did the phosphates!
Lauren T.: Umm... with whom?
When Jennah likes something, she really likes it!
Jennah: I love this pen! I would put it in my heart, but that would hurt a little.
(Hmm, Empire Records repeat?)
No grudges, no grudges...
Jess: I want to become a hermit! No one to give you pain! No feeling!
Sara: No one to give you an ulcer! Or a tumor!
Jess’s binders have pictures of guys without shirts on from YM and Seventeen. Well, Morgan was observing them during Science. (It was a Freudian slip, I swear.)
Morgan: Why do you have pictures of naked men?
Jess: Unfortunately, they're not naked.
Clare: Did Tom Cruise die?
We have good grammar too.
Morgan: Shakespeare was more graphicer.
Life sucks.
Sara: It's a slap in the face, and it hurts.
In Biology, Mrs. Turner substitutes, as if you didn't know that already. But she talks too fast.
Jess: Wait! Slow down!
Mrs. Turner: If I talk slower, it'll sound like I don't know what I’m talking about.
The logical question for anyone how has become connected with Six Degrees:
Jennah: Why does Six-Degrees stalk people?
Student in Accl. Geo.: Is there an A-S-S Postulate?
Mrs. Golomb: Not in that sense!
Dr. Rieger: So I didn't tell you the whole truth about deponent verbs....call me Dr. Clinton Rieger!
Recently, you can hear all NCS students humming Brittany Spears or ‘N Sync down the hallway; that doesn’t mean the teachers like it.
{Marisa is playing ‘N Sync on her laptop}
Mr. Tibbetts: Turn that ‘N STINK stuff off!
A very good point...
Blair: See, I have way too much free time on my hands if I can carefully examine the underside of the social fabric and discover stuff and then tell my friends who also obviously have too much time because they are listening to me in the first place...
And a good philosophy...
Lindsay: I can be a psycho if it means I get to see him.
Too close for comfort.
Lauren T.: Uhh, sorry. Move away. I am not some human masturbation toy.
Mandy: I can’t rip this paper!
Mr. Wood: Well, some of us have our strengths and weaknesses.
So, we're talking about drug smuggling in Mexico into America.
Mr. Wood: They're illegally shipping drugs into America.
Abby: You mean, like, Tylenol?
Some people were helping Jessie rate her oh-so-perfect speech for Cathedral. Maybe it was too perfect.
Kathryn: Did some one leave the vacuum cleaner on? I hear a large sucking noise.
Lindsay: I thought the cleaning staff usually came in the afternoon; maybe they came in the morning this time.
Is honesty always the best thing?
Clare: You know, Bio’s gotten a lot more interesting since we’ve started reproduction!
Now, I had heard horror stories about Ms. Denizé from the STA freshmen, but this was just funny: She was talking about her faith, the Bai Faith, in chapel and she was chanting some spiritual. However, Suzanne didn’t seem so interested; she turned down the music.
Ms. Denizé: Whoa, she turned that thing off fast! "Sorry God, we don’t have time for you right now!"
{congregation laughs. Reverend Orens gives a semi-mean look to Denizé}
Ms. Denizé: [to Rev.] Sorry, I had to make fun of her.
and then the threat:
Ms. Denizé:...And don’t tell the boys I said that. If you do, I’ll tell them that you were lying!
Beowulf was a pretty action-packed, wasn’t it?
Lindsay: Beowulf had more action than--
Jess: --we get.
For Mr. Wood’s History class, students have to bring in an article each day on a certain region of the world. Most of us usually go into a frenzy before class starts, but some of us get lucky and find a good article just in time!
Liz: This is good! It’s, like, read as you go!
Kate C. is readily doing extra credit for Biology.
Jess: How do you have time for extra credit?
Lauren T.: I don’t even have time for regular credit!
Katie O.: I’m so excited! I get to go on a trail with my horse this weekend! Actually, he might be down in Florida already [for a competition next weekend].
Tucker: Your horse gets to go to Florida more often than I do...
NCS is a very challenging school. There are just somethings we can’t deal with.
Emma Ham.: I can’t deal with the toils of... carrying things!
Lindsay developed the most logical reason for our insane friends.
Lindsay: All my friends have been doing weird things this week; there must be something in the water.
Romeo and Juliet, such a tragedy. But it could have been worse.
Morgan: Juliet’s lucky she wasn’t cremated.
French 2 must memorize millions of dates of worthless events in French history, and you can hear French students trying to cram them for the quiz each day during lunch.
Sara: Argh! Fuck dates!
Jess: And oranges, and apples, and grapes...
Now, NCS teachers might be weird, but I have heard some perverted stories about the STA teachers. Let’s take Mrs. Hayes-Allen, the Bio teacher. Or maybe she is influenced by her students.
Mrs. Hayes-Allen:...So, remember. You get two NADs from the electron transport chain...
Nick B.: I got your two nads right here! {points to crotch}
Mrs. Hayes-Allen:...And NADs can be used over and over again...
Mr. Wood: Sex was only to have babies during the Victorian times...
Mandy: That sucks!
We might have a one-track mind, but we can always refer it to Science.
Jess: Does he have any siblings?
Lindsay: No, and that’s a big waste of genes.
Abby: Are all albinos Indian?
Sara: You know when you’re having a Prozac moment...
Our teachers are sympathetic, really.
Mrs. Rogers: Sorry for not calling you back into the room. Do you know what we’re doing?
Kelly R.: I have no idea what’s going on.
Mrs. Rogers:
Sara: I’d rather kill myself then get died.
Again, I dunno where this came from.
Lindsay: I like Baywatch.
Blair: Yeah, me too.
Jess: Yeah, well, we know why you like it.
Blair: My favorite part is when they run on the beach.
Lindsay & Jess: Yeah, and we know why, too.
Lauren T.: Wait! Is that flowering plant a transvestite!?
Mrs. Rogers: No. It’s bisexual.
We are all kind of tired sometimes.
Kelly R.: Can I do a topic that doesn’t require using my brain?
Katherine’s dog has seizures, Jennah’s dog suffers from ADD...
Ms. Neely: What’s the country coming to when our pets have neurological diseases!?
Michael P.: (on the phone) Why is Blair over at your house?
Jess: Yeah, Blair. Why are you here?
Blair: ‘Cause the kid my brother’s with is on Prozac.
NCS: One of the most prestigious schools in the area.
Mr. Wood: What happened in 1815?
Mandy: The War of 1812?
For the choristers...
Morgan: Holy Week is hell.
Patriotism
Kate Z.: Everyone hates America, but we’re good!
Abby: Jessica, who lost the Vietnam War?
Jess: The U.S. and South Korea.
Abby: Who were we playing?
We’re really interested in the reproduction chapter in Biology.
Clare: Do humans have mating rituals?
Lauren T.: Clare, it’s called lingerie.
Sara: I swear, my hair needs shock therapy.
...and another quote that doesn’t need a caption:
Clare: Do humans reproduce internally or externally?
Sara: I’ve been rejected so many times my heart has grown calluses.
Good ‘ole NCS education.
Allison S.: The test wasn’t too hard. It’s 30% on the book and 90% on the worksheets.
I dunno if this was a slip of words or not.
Sara: We got all dressed, and we were humped for volleyball.
These genetic problems are getting a little sketchy.
Mrs. Rogers: How would a child have brown eyes but her parents have blue--if you don’t consider the milkman...
After my wisdom teeth were taken out…
Jess: I don’t think my teeth are healing.
Maybe Lauren is a little too demanding.
Jennah: Oh, shut up. You’re not my mother.
Lauren T.: That’s right. I’m your father.
I dunno if this was a compliment or an insult
Sara: Jessica, you’re stuffed with brain!
Jennah: The three of us are a pair.
A lack of self-esteem?
Lauren T.: Aww, Ms. Neely. You look so cute in your white stockings, red dress...
Ms. Neely: I look like a dork.
I really dunno where this came from.
Sara: Don’t crack my anus!
The latest fashions?
Lauren T.: It’s, like, "Hello! Welcome to my breasts!"
More stories from the St. Albans classrooms.
Peter A.: Señor, how do you say pussy...cat [in Spanish]?
Señor: Well, "cat" you know; that’s easy. And pussy, well, that’s "Asbill."
The scary influence that students have on their teachers...
Ms. Neely: Well... kin-DA!
{the rest of the English class gasps, especially myself}
More fashions. Sexy?
Sara: I’d like to have wisps of hair. Like, "I’m sexy, but I don’t know it!"
Our vocabulary is so extensive. Can’t you tell?
Jess: Wasn’t he a cuckoo nut?
Forget the whole Creation vs. Evolution question. Jennah has a new theory.
Jennah: Maybe Adam and Eve were apes.
It’s a hard enough life for us.
Sara: My brain is on strike.
"I don’t want no scrub..."
Julie Gluck: I’ve been hearing this song a lot... what’s a "scrub"?
Dana M.: A guy who can’t get no love...
We are so honest with ourselves.
Laura M.: I have a question, but it’s probably stupid.
Mrs. Rogers: There’s no such thing as a stupid question...
Elisabeth: Only stupid answers!
Lauren T.: And stupid people!
There was much noise outside: honking, sirens... Alex observes,
Alex: It’s horny outside.
Sara: I just made my day!
Here’s some more of that great NCS logic.
Mandy: You know, if Japan was really smart they’d start a war so they could start manufacturing war goods.
Even the lunch staff think we’re stupid. I spotted this sign by the soup one day:
Chicken Soup--Non-Vegetarian
This is for you, Morgan:
Clare: Wait! Warrik is Bill Clinton’s illegitimate child?
We all know how hard it was for Jennah to give up ‘N Sync. But the new obsession?
Emma: Jennah, are you done obsessing about not being obsessed with ‘N Sync?
Sara: Did you know that a sneeze is a tenth of an orgasm?
Jess: Who told you that?
Sara: Seniors...
Jess: Yeah, how reliable are they?
Sara: Well, they know these things!
Jess: Through what? Experience?
Sara: So who needs sex--
Christina L.: when you can sneeze only ten times for the same effect?
Lauren T.: Are you a New Yorkan?
And here’s some of that great STA logic: the teacher asks for a student to describe the book of Job from the Bible. So Michael raises his hand.
Dave J.:
Just a little piece of advice for the hyper ones.
Christina A.: You just gotta take a deep breath and shoot yourselves.
And over the loudspeaker we hear..."
Clare: How do you spell ANUS?
Mrs. Rogers told her students that if we failed the quiz, they wouldn’t be able to do the lab. So, we studied like mad, and we didn’t fail. Then Mrs. Rogers admits to us that we would have had to do the lab anyway. Shucks...
Lauren T.: She tricked me into doing well on a quiz!
Jess: Well, you know, there are other fish in the sea.
Jessie: That’s not the point. This is a good looking fish! He’s the Great White!
While explaining to the students what they should do if they are cornered by a mysterious man, Sara is chosen for a demonstration. Once she is trapped, she exclaims,
Sara: I’ll rape you before you rape me!
Jess: Should we grade them separately or individually?
What do you do when you want the hypotenuse of a triangle?
Christina A.: Pythagorate it!
You never know a trick question when you see one.
Ms. Neely:...So our test will be on Friday.
Morgan: Oh, as in the day after Thursday?
Maybe we’re asking too much.
Sara: I was kinda hoping he was more celibate...more like a eunuch.
Julia’s lying on Jess’s stomach.
Julia: Your stomach is, like, gastric juices ‘r us!
Jennah: I’m a defunct Asian.
No bomb threats at NCS. Well...
Sara: My brain is threatening suicide. It’s holding hostages...
Quotes from The Horny Room
Emma:
Jennah: We’re in the horny room; we need your horns.
Anonymous: I’ve gone to short stop.
Jennah: Do you share lollipops with your boyfriend?
Anonymous: No, but I share other things. Like STD’s.
Sara: What’s the plural of anus? Anii?
A loss of words.
Jess: She is a wilter fikter. {Translation: She is a water filter.}
Emma: Did you zip your zinkter? {Translation: Did you zip your zipper?}
So, the truth comes out...
Clare: Who needs to get drunk if you're like this naturally?
Liz: What do Hindus speak?
Abby: Hindunisian.
For all the geniuses out there.
?: Where is Lindsay R. going next year?
Katherine S.: I dunno... college?
More from the horny room.
Jess: Have you ever seen a porno film?
Emma: Yeah, Boogie Nights.
Jess: Eh, that’s not porn.
Emma: Oh yeah. That’s an extension.
One could tell that Lauren really enjoyed her excretion project.
Lauren T.: Hold your horses! Or your urine!
Maybe I was too excited.
Jess: Oh, that’s really cool! Well, in that nerdy, Jessica-is-a-dork type of way...
To all the struggling artists, there’s hope (and truth).
Sara: Dammit! My picture sucks!
Christina A.: {to Jess} Remember, Sara’s definition of "sucks" is everyone our definition of expensive, fine art.
Should she call the boy?
Elisabeth: Well, what do I have to lose--but my virginity?
Michael: Your mind is as dirty as I am.
Grammar’s sometimes hard, but so is understanding its components.
Mandy: I don’t get these verb tense things, like goose and geese.
I think Ms. Neely’s kids have too much of an effect on her life.
Clare: Aww, group hug!
Ms. Neely: What’s a group hug?
{people demonstrate}
Ms. Neely: Oh, like the Teletubbies. {mocking voice} "Group hug, group hug..."
They really needed the points in Bio Jeopardy.
Kate C.:...Through translation it goes though the membrane...
Mrs. Rogers: What’s "it"?
Clare: The answer!
Lauren T.: What do you have to do to get into AP Bio? {takes cover}
Mrs. Rogers: Well, you have to take Chemistry first.
Lauren: So, that means you have to pass both?
The toils of teachers.
Mrs. Rogers: Well, looking at the diagram, I can’t tell what it is because it’s so messed up!
In case you hadn’t heard about Sara’s famous ramblings, they are proof that cynicism can sometimes lead to great work. Here are some examples:
I hate old people. They’re never in a hurry. Have you ever been in a line at a store of two hours while and old guy looks in his pockets for change? Unless stores begin to accept whatever elderly people have in their pockets as legal tender, this world will come to a halt...The only way to make aging better is by convincing the younger generations that wrinkles are sexy and that baldness is a sign of sexual potency.
My mom makes me write a thank you note for everything. Seriously, if I so much as buy something from a store, I am forced to write one. It’s like, "Thank you so kindly for the Clean and Clear facial cleanser you sold me. It’s perfect. I shall cherish it always."
Looking at the continents right now, they look so messy. I wish we could just bomb the edges so that all the continents are solid shapes, like squares or triangles.
Life is about enjoying yourself
and having a good time. ~Cher