The Long Road Home
The
official accounts of the 358th meeting of the Far Shire village
council, being on the 19th day of Giamonios of the year 3816, as duly
transcribed by yours truly, Mr Dingo Appledimple Longbottom, chief
scribe, pensman, eloquator and transcribist.
On this day, I was summoned from my most delicious second breakfast of
eggs and ham to bear witness to the story of one “Dar”, an unfortunate
young hobbit who had apparently been lost as a child on the high seas
and had spent the last 34 years living in a most uncivilized and
unhobbitlike fashion on a deserted island or some sort.
However, having taken the time to properly digest my meal, and spending
a brief but necessary moment in quiet contemplation with my pipe (to
aid my digestion), I apparently arrived slightly tardy, and as such
caught only the tail end of the proceedings. However, I imagine
that the young hobbit’s story cannot possibly be of much import to
anyone, as he’s quite obviously barking mad.
His clothes appear to be of the finest elven make, but are grimy and
covered with stains. His hair is dyed the most unbecoming shade
of green (a mark he claims, of his being a druid…a hobbit druid…well I
never!). He’s also accompanied by a rather bestial large dog,
which I’m sure must be rabid, for it’s mouth oozes incessantly.
When I arrived at the council chambers, only a few minutes overdue, the
lad was already going on about “the great city” and “a wagon of food”
being led by some robed fellow. Quite sensibly, the lad followed
this mobile buffet through the city gates, unfortunately separating
himself from his comrades, a variety of tallfolk who’s names cannot
possibly be important and are rather a bother to remember, so I shant.
From there his story takes a turn toward the fantastic a bit, and
probably shouldn’t be fully believed. Apparently he entered a
large house and talked briefly with the owner. Apparently, in
exchange for a simple rock on a chain this man gave him and his dog an
incredible feast beyond imagining (I must get more information on this,
a good deal is hard to find nowadays) But apparently the man was
a sort of nefarious mage, and poisoned the lad, slipping a potion to
him that robbed him of his balance, his stomach and eventually his
consciousness.
The next few accounts were slightly confusing, as he went on and on
about sheep and bison and monkeys and cats and birds. I think
there might have even been a bear involved somewhere. And he kept
repeating the same thing over and over again “No Dar, Not for
eating!”. I really must talk with someone about the people he’s
traveling with, apparently they are starving the poor boy…he’s as thin
as a rail!
Something about a scary man in robes with an orange snake, and someone
named Kevin? (They really should have saved me a seat a LITTLE closer
than this…I AM the transcribist after all!)
After this the story gets a little more coherent, if even less
believable. Apparently they were escorted into elven lands
(something completely unheard of) to change the trees back from
crystals (preposterous). And apparently he’s been transformed
into an elf by the silver locket he wears around his neck.
He goes on about this incredibly old elven bard, and apparently one of
the humans who were also in the elves forbidden forest turned out to be
a traitor and attacked. The “evil horny man” had a “little red
man with wings” which “stabbed a sparrow with it’s tail”, but it
all turned out alright, as a sparrow tripped the man (I can’t really
imagine how a tiny sparrow could possibly trip a full sized man) and
allowed the lad’s allies to defeat the horny man and “kill him a lot”
Apparently the old elf bard died, which made Dar sad, because he likes
old people. But apparently the bard gave a shiny hat to his friend
Lily. The “Boy Paladin” apparently got jealous of the shiny hat
and wanted to take it away, but couldn’t. Finally Lily figured
she should just wreck the hat so NO one could have it, which he saw as
a waste of a perfectly good hat.
And that pretty much concludes the account of the hobbit “Dar”.
There was some other things that he mentioned, but I’ve heard the lunch
bell and I was already at the back of the hall, so I left a bit early.