My favorite Jokes

Most of these are from something called eLOL. Small little program that gives you all the jokes you could want for free.

Do-It-Yourself Advice

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen." St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one. "Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later..."Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

Next time you think you're having a bad day read this....
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came own eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cutoff.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. 'Til that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 92.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's kind of a finish is that? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch. You go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school. You become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby. You go back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating . . . . you finish off as an orgasm. Now, that’s a finish.

The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and, not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. Well, good I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too, you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? NO wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your...uh....equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh, yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!!!

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months andwas finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been awayfrom his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. Sohe stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.
Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess whotold him, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow animals."
In desperation, the man popped into the men's room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat onto cover up. Then he reboarded the plane. The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick. However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and askedagain if the salesman was alright.
He answered, "Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn't bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it onboard anyway."
"But sir," said the stewardess, "Why do you look so ill?"
"Well, apparently the darned thing isn't weaned yet."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring Beer.

WHY MEN STAND WHEN THEY PEE
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the thing she had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please oh please, oh please, let me have the ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the snow! Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee oh please" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. Adam was so happy that he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest to him, while laughing with delight all the while. It was so good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were at her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.

80,000 blondes meet in London for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention. The compere says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?".
One blonde steps up. The compere says to her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says "eighteen"
Obvioulsly everyone is a little disappointed.
Then all 80,000 blondes start cheering "give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The compere says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting all 80,000 of you here and the world press, I guess we can give this lady another chance." So she says "what is 5 plus 5?". After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "ninety?"
The compere sighs--everyone is depressed and the blonde starts crying and all 80,000 blondes start cheering "give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says "OK! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minure eventually says "Four."

All around the stadium, all 80,000 blondes start cheering "give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

A construction worker comes home one day to find his wife in bed with another man. Of course,he takes the man into the garage and puts his johnson in a vice. After getting it nice and tight, he romoves the handle and picks up a hacksaw.
The man, not exactly quiet to begin with, was now hysterical. He screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The husband, with a gleam in his eye, said simply, "Of course not. You are. I'm gonna set the garage on fire."

What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're having sex?

Call her up and tell her where you are.

One day a blonde woman was so fed up with all the dumb blonde jokes that she decided to kill herself. She took a rope outside, found a suitable tree, and proceeded to hang herself.

Soon, two men happened by and asked her, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm hanging myself."

The two men looked at her and said, "Well, usually if you're trying to kill yourself you put the rope around your neck."

The blonde said, "Duh, I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

Brian had been drinking at the bar for hours when he menntioned something about his wife being in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw Brian's buddy, Pete, and his wife going at it in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told Brian that it might be a good idea to check on his wife.

Brian staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his wife entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damn Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks,"And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
The first priest says, "No, son, you're not Jesus Christ."
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, "No, son, you're not Jesus Christ."
The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

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