Prologue
Scene: Cheers. Norm and Cliff are watching television.
TV Announcer: So grab your rod, reel, and join us next week when Jim takes us to Lake Wynabesaki.
Cliff: Nice show, huh? (He turns back to the bar.)
Woody: Well, if you ask me, there's something wrong with watching televised fishing.
Norm: (while reading the newspaper) Not the same impact as watching it live, huh, Woody?
Woody: Hey, you know something? I got a great idea! What's to stop us from taking a little fishing trip ourselves?
Cliff: We don't want to?
Woody: Come on, it'll be fun! You know, we could go this very afternoon, heading out through Lake Winthrop, huh? What do you say?
Norm: All right, uh, OK...Let's get organized here. Uh, Woody, try to be in charge of bait and tackle, OK?
Woody: Gotcha.
Norm: Cliff, be in charge of food and transportation.
Cliff: OK.
Woody: (who is writing all of this down) And what are you in charge of, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Finding a reason not to go. (After a moment, he points to something in the newspaper.) Ah! Here we go! Gladiator Film Festival at the Majestic.
Cliff: Hey, good one!
(They get off their barstools and sing a gladiator song while marching, complete with hand gestures.)
(opening credits)
Scene One
Diane: (entering) Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hi. Oh, some customer has some tickets to some concert -- sounded boring and dull, I thought you wouldn't want to miss it.
Diane: Thank you. (After reading the tickets, she gasps.) Jean-Pierre Raun-Paul?!
Sam: Well, just some customer. I didn't really catch his name.
Diane: Oh! He's a flutist, nothing less than brilliant! (walks behind the bar) No other player could so eloquently fuse the world of classical music to that of modern jazz. What a perfect performer for us to see on this, our first official date together. What should I wear, something long or...T-length?
Sam: Why don't you wear something you can stretch out in?
Diane: Mmm...
Sam: The seat next to you's gonna be empty.
Diane: Sam!
Sam: Come on, please, can't you scrape up someone else to go, please?
Carla: And the operative word there is "scrape"!
Diane: There's only one man I want to be with...no, no, I'll go alone. And it'll be fine.
(Norm and Cliff return from the film festival.)
Norm: I had eleven of them. Eleven!
Cliff: You're wrong, you're wrong, wrong, wrong!
Sam: How was the Gladiator Film Festival?
Cliff: Not now, Sam, we're watching Controversy.
Norm: You had ten nams just like me.
Woody: Ten what?
Cliff: Anachronisms.
Woody: Huh?
Cliff: Oh, you know, the things that aren't set in the time period in which the film is set. I like to see who gets the most.
Norm: Today it was me. Eleven.
Cliff: Normy, you had ten just like me. There was no way Caesar Augustus was wearing Reeboks!
Woody: Hey, so are you guys ready to go fishing?
Norm: Oh - we gotta -- oh, you know, Woody, a couple of beers first. You know I work up a powerful thirst watching Tharasian dogs smite Spartan pigs and...
(Frasier enters, dressed in a suit.)
Frasier: Greetings, everyone!
Sam: Hey, Frasier. How 'bout a beer?
Frasier: Oh, well, no, Sam, just make it a club soda. I've got to appear on TV today, I want to keep my wits about me.
Diane: Oh, my!
Sam: No kidding! What's the TV show?
Frasier: Well, it's a local talk show called "Psychology This Week". Maybe you've heard of it.
Sam: I know all about that show. It's where once a week, a couple of shrinks get together and debate certain aspects of the psychological condition.
Norm: Oh, man, we picked the day to go fishing, huh Cliff?
Frasier: It's on at four. It promises to be very...cerebral and I might add, darn entertaining!
Carla: Unfortunately, Frasier, it interferes with another highly cerebral event - the Raiders/Patriots game.
Sam: Yeah. Right.
Diane: (sarcastically) I understand that football is a rarity on television in the fall, (seriously) but don't you think we could spare half an hour to see our friend Frasier?
Sam: Oh...all right, all right. I guess it won't hurt -- much.
Diane: (in singsong) Thank you, Sam!
(The phone rings.)
Sam: (answering the phone) Cheers...Yeah, hold on a sec.
(He gives the phone to Frasier.)
Norm: Want to tell me what that taxi cab was doing parked in front of the Temple of Athena?
Cliff: Uh, uh...It was, uh...it was, uh...probably taking Demetrius to the airport!
(Norm throws up his hands in disgust.)
Frasier: (talking on the phone) Well, thank you. (He clears his throat, hangs up the phone, and stands up.) Well, as it turns out, you can watch your game with a clear conscience. I won't be doing that show after all.
Diane: What changed your mind, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, Dr. Foster had to cancel, and uh...Dr. Sternin is going to take his place.
Diane: Lilith Sternin?
Cliff: You mean that, uh, pardon my French - woman you once dated?
Frasier: That's a rather charitable description, Cliff. You know, I just hope they can find someone to replace me as readily they did Dr. Foster.
Carla: (tauntingly) Can't handle debating a woman, eh?
Frasier: A woman, yes! An ice cube in heels, no! And I have no intention of entering into a debate with those cold gray eyes and those clever smirking lips! I'd rather clip my nails in a Cuisenart!
Diane: (walking behind the counter with Sam) Oh, my!
Sam: What?
Diane: Oh, don't you see? Frasier's in love!
Sam: What?
Diane: Oh, come on, Sam. You're forgetting I was once romantically involved with Frasier. I know when he's enamored with someone. Did you see his nostrils flare?! And everyone know that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.
Sam: Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.
Diane: (smiling) Touche, Sam. Let's be honest. Quite often you've expressed antagonism towards me, and we both know how much you love me.
Sam: I do not love you, Diane, and I have the nostrils to prove it! And you're wrong about Frasier. I know psycho-babble when I hear it. I also (he sees Frasier passing) Frasier! There's a theory going around the bar that you're ticked off at Dr. Sternin because you're in love with her. Whaddya think?
Frasier: Well, it sounds like someone who doesn't know shortcake from shinola.
Sam: Hey, good guess, good guess! Diane!
Frasier: Oh. Well, hmm, that's nothing to me but cocktail party psychology. Believe it or not, Sam, it's actually possible to have hostile feelings for someone without being in love with them.
Sam: You mean I can actually hate Diane without having it mean any more than I hate her?
Frasier: Feel free. You know, I better cancel that appearance before it's too late.
(Lilith enters. She is dressed in a slivery-gray blazer and skirt, and a red blouse. Her hair is up in a strict bun.)
Cliff: (under his breath) Uh-oh! Frost warning!
(Sam sits down warily.)
Lilith: Good afternoon, Dr. Crane.
(Frasier hangs up the phone.)
Frasier: Dr. Sternin. What a lovely surprise.
Lilith: I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation, and not sarcasm at my expense.
Frasier: No, that was completely at your expense.
(Lilith walks down the steps to the bar.)
Lilith: You know, I wasn't going to do today's show when I heard you were the other guest. (smugly) But then I realized how much I'd relish proving my superiority over you in public.
Frasier: Yes, that appeals to me too.
Lilith: So, I felt we should at least discuss some procedures of conduct.
Frasier: Ah, well... (He gallantly stands up and offers his barstool to Lilith.)
Lilith: Don't you dare.
Frasier: My mistake. So, am I to assume that you naturally thought that I'd be here at this drinking establishment?
Lilith: Actually, knowing your obsessive-compulsiveness, (Lilith sits down; Frasier makes an "oh, no" face) I checked with your service. And indeed, you'd left them a complete itinerary of your day. I trust all went well at the dry cleaners?
Frasier: (annoyed) Thank you, yes! And I can assume from your questioning that you are attempting to make idle conversation rather than articulating some control dysfunction with my personal habits.
Lilith: That's correct.
(Sam, Norm, Cliff, and Woody are watching this conversation intently.)
Norm: Are they fighting?
(Diane glances at the men, then goes back to Frasier and Lilith.)
Lilith: First of all, I think any mention of our past relationship could tarnish the objectivity factor of the show.
Frasier: You call that a relationship? We dated one time. The closest we came to physical contact was when you closed the car door on my hand! (He stands up.)
Lilith: (indignantly) Are you repressing?!
Frasier: Oh, forgive me! Actually, you're quite right. I should be straightforward in telling you that you are passionless, stoic, and emotionally numb.
Lilith: Apology accepted.
Frasier: Merci.
Woody: Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're fighting. He just asked her for mercy.
Lilith: Secondly, I think perhaps -
Frasier: (looking at his watch) Look, Dr. Sternin, if you'll excuse me, I have to cash a check and fill up my gas tank before the show. (He walks over to the door.)
Lilith: Yes, I know. Have the attendant make sure your tires aren't as inflated as your ego.
Frasier: (turns around) You know, you perplex me.
Lilith: Oh?
Frasier: Yes. Normally people of your limited physical appeal usually make up for it with an actual personality! (He salutes Sam and exits.)
Diane: (rushing over to Lilith) Dr. Sternin, excuse me, I overheard Dr. Crane's remarks. If it's any consolation, I can empathize with your hurt feelings, if you'd like to share any of them with me as a fellow woman? I would consider it an honor.
Lilith: (completely lost) Who are you?
Diane: (shaking Lilith's hand while laughing) I'm Diane Chambers. I'm an old friend of Dr. Crane's, a student, and until my inanimate marriage, an employee here at Cheers. Please, let's sit down.
(They sit down.)
Lilith: Well, I suppose I am just a little sensitive when it comes to my appearance.
Diane: Well, if I may be so bold as to step into your arena, I believe that Frasier's hostility is masking a deep attraction to you.
(The tiniest smile appears on Lilith's face, and Lilith attempts to chuckle.)
Lilith: Thank you, Diane, it's been a long time since I've had such a good laugh. Why would Frasier Crane be attracted to me? I'm not that kind of woman!
Diane: Oh, but you can be! It just takes a little softening of the edges...perhaps loosen the bun a bit to release some of the tension in your face.
Lilith: I'm afraid it's not as easy as all that.
Diane: Oh, that's nonsense. Look, I'm not far from here. Why don't you come over to my place and I'll show you what I mean? (Lilith shakes her head no.) We'll just put a little more makeup on, or (inspects Lilith's face closely) ...some.
Lilith: (getting up) I really don't think I can do that.
Diane: Oh, come on, Dr. Sternin, you're going to be on television today! A little refinement of your appearance might give you an edge in the debate.
Lilith: Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt.
Diane: Good, good! Let me get my things. Sam, may I have my purse, please? Oh, and I'm going to be taking my lunch hour a little earlier today.
Sam: Thank you for showing up at all. (He gives Diane her purse.)
Diane: You're welcome. (to Lilith) Shall we go?
Lilith: You know, I"ve always envied women like you who can simple tumble out of bed each morning looking blond and perky.
Diane: Oh, well, I must admit in my case there is a little labor involved!
Carla: A little labor?! She calls in Local 416!
Scene Two
(All the men are gathered around watching the football game. Woody enters.)
Woody: OK, the tank's full, the gear's all loaded, I've got everything you could possibly need for a fishing trip.
Cliff: Hey, Woody, we're in the middle of a game.
Woody: I got a battery-operated portable TV in the car!
Norm: I've got a few beers to finish here, buddy.
Woody: I got a cooler full of ice down in the trunk.
Norm: (to Cliff) Yup, think the kid's outlasting us, man.
(They get up.)
Woody: (excitedly) Oh, look out, trout! Ha! Hey, if you guys don't mind, I'll be the driver.
Norm: All right, I've got shotgun.
Woody: Wouldn't it be more sporty to use a fishing pole? (He laughs at his own joke and slaps Cliff on the back.) Oh, this is gonna be great!
(They exit.)
(The climax of the game on TV is occurring. Just as the men begin cheering, Diane takes the remote control and switches the channel.)
Men: Oh, come on! We're in the middle of a game! etc.
Diane: Now, let's all check our watches. Did we not promise to watch Frasier's show at four o'clock?
(The men groan. One man takes the remote control and goes back to the game, with cheers from the men. Diane tries to grab the remote control, but the men toss it back and forth, playing keep-away.)
Diane: All right, fine. I'm not going to play cat and mouse with a silly remote control box. (angrily) You know, all you people see of Frasier Crane is an ordinary joe sitting at the bar, being one of the guys. You should see him in his He's a brilliantly perceptive man!
Man: Does anyone have a box to shut her up?
Carla: No, but I'll be glad to do it manually.
Sam: Oh, come on, you guys, we made a promise. (He switches the channel back to Frasier's show.)
Diane: Thank you, Sam. (She smiles and turns back to the TV.)
(On the show, there are two empty chairs on either side of the Moderator. Cheesy music is playing.)
Moderator on TV: First, I'd like to introduce Dr. Frasier Crane. Dr. Crane is an emminant psychiatrist here in the Boston area, specializing in treatment of phobias.
(Diane claps as Fraiser comes on the screen and shakes the moderator's hand.)
Moderator: Joining Dr. Crane is Dr. Lilith Sternin. Dr. Sternin is a member of the Psychiatric Staff at Boston General Hospital.
(Lilith comes on the screen. She is transformed. She has removed her blazer, to leave on her red blouse and silver-gray skirt. More importantly, her dark curly hair is down, she has makeup on, and there is a string of earls around her neck. She is gorgeous.)
Moderator: Welcome, Dr. Sternin.
Lilith: Thank you. Moderator: Dr. Crane.
(Frasier can only stare at Lilith with wonder.)
Sam: You really made her look beautiful, Diane.
Carla: Physician, heal thyself.
(Diane shrugs off Carla's remark with a grin.)
Scene Three
It is later in the broadcast of Frasier's show.
Moderator: You've made many excellent points, Dr. Sternin. How do you respond, Dr. Crane?
(Frasier is too busy staring at Lilith.)
Moderator: Dr. Crane?
Frasier: What was the question? Oh, yes, of course, excuse me. Yes, my method of flooding seeks out the patient's most sensitive and vulnerable spot in the defense system. And, uh...(Lilith stares at him with a sultry look) penetrates...thrusting over and over...(Sam's arm slowly creeps over Diane's shoulder)...and thereby uncovering the reality behind the irrational fear.
Moderator: ...Thank you, Dr. Crane. Do you have anything to add, Dr. Sternin?
Lilith: Um...although Dr. Crane's method is faster, a slow and...methodical approach can be much more rewarding. (Sam and Diane are getting hot...) A gentle stroking of the psychie will bring about a far more intense release of emotions...building...until the patient will literally cry out...in release of satisfaction and joy. (Sam and Diane are even more aroused.)
Frasier: (breathlessly) Point well taken.
(Sam and Diane break away from each other and wipe the sweat off their faces.)
Sam: This intellectual stuff's getting me all hot.
Moderator: And that concludes this afternoon's program. (Everyone in Cheers groans. The moderator shakes hands with Frasier and Lilith.) Dr. Sternin, Dr. Crane, thank you for joining us.
(Frasier's foot hits Lilith's accidentally.)
Frasier: Oh - excuse me.
(He and Lilith begin playing "footsie" as the moderator talks.)
Moderator: For a written transcript of this afternoon's show, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to "Psychology This Week", Box 84037, Boston, Massachusetts, 0220 - (looks down to see Frasier and Lilith's feet entwining) 5.
(Everyone in Cheers is writing furiously.)
Sam: What was that box number again?
Man: 02205!
Scene Four
Woody and Norm enter.
Sam: Hey, fellas, how was the fishing trip?
Norm: Would've been a little better without Cliff jabbering. The guy catches one fish, he turns into Ernest Hemmingway.
(Cliff enters wearing a fishing hat.)
Sam: Ah, congratulations, Cliff.
Cliff: Thank you, Sammy. Yeah...it was man against fish...the rest of the world was shut out. It was a good fish...a clean fish...a strong fish.
(He takes a very small fish out of his pocket. Frasier enters.)
Sam: Little fish. Oh, Frasier, I didn't expect to see you here, thought you'd be exchanging psychological positions with Dr. Sternin.
Frasier: Please, Sam. I've made a complete fool out of myself today and with Dr. Sternin. If they had a hose at the studio, they would have turned it on us. (He sits down on a barstool.)
Sam: Actually, that sounds kind of fun.
Frasier: I'll never be able to look her in the eye again. The only consolation is that nobody ever watches that show.
Man: (passes by and grabs Frasier by the shoulders) Way to go, sex machine!
Sam: Listen, a TV station may not have been the best place in the world to sprout antlers, but it happened. Go with it.
(Lilith enters. She is wearing her blazer again and her hair is up in a bun. Frasier stands up.)
Diane: (enthusiastically) Dr. Sternin, you're (disappointed) back.
Lilith: Diane, I'd like to thank you for your Pygmallion-like efforts. I'd like to but I can't because they led to disaster. Good evening, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Dr. Sternin. It's nice to see you again.
Lilith: And you. I apologize for my overzealous behavior this afternoon and for making fools of us both.
Frasier: Yes, well, I would also like to apologize for my completely unprofessional attitude, and I promise you that that sort of thing will never happen again.
Lilith: Fine. I've already penned a letter to the American Psychiatric Association apologizing for my behavior. I would suggest that you do likewise.
Frasier: Of course, of course.
Lilith: And may I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frusturation. You strike me as a man who needs professional help...or perhaps a girlfriend.
Frasier: (offended) And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing!
Lilith: Good day, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Good day, Dr. Sternin.
Diane: Just a minute, Dr. Sternin! (Um...giving Sam a "just play along" look) Sam, isn't the refrigerator door stuck again?
Sam: I don't think so.
Diane: Oh, I think it is! And we need a hairpin to open it. Dr. Sternin, could we borrow a hairpin?
Lilith: I don't see how a hairpin will help.
Diane: Strangely enough, it does.
Frasier: Oh, but don't you see?! What these two people, who are such geniuses at romances, are trying to do is to get you to take your hair down, thinking that it will stimulate me like some Pablobian dog! So, why don't you just oblige to them...take it down so we can get on with our lives.
(Lilith sighs and removes the pins from her hair. Her long beautiful hair cascades over her shoulders.)
Lilith: You mean like this?
Frasier: (turned on again) Precisely. You know what?
Lilith: What?
Frasier: I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you hard and I'm going to kiss you long, but make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you. In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never -
(Lilith throws herself at him and kisses him.)
Frasier: Yes. Like that. Now, listen, Lilith, I think you and I have been too articulate for words. We talk and we talk, but what we really want to do is show how we feel.
Lilith: I think, Dr. Crane -
Frasier: (firmly) Look, I don't care what you think! We both want to be animals! Now I'm going back to my tastefully decorated townhouse and prove it. (He walks toward the door, then stops when he realizes Lilith is not following him.) Well, I suggest you come with me.
Lilith: I think I see what you're trying to do, Dr. Crane, and I just want you to know - it worked. (She leaps into his arms.) Let's go.
(He carries her out the door.)
Diane: Isn't it exciting seeing the blush of new love on their faces?! Do you realize we've just seent eh birth of a new ro-
Carla: Don't you have someplace to go?
Diane: Oh, yes. The concert. (dramatically) By myself. I'll go. I'm sure I'll be alone but I dohn't care...because I'm in love. And no one who's truly in love can ever be alone, and I know my fellow loves me. He just doesn't know it yet. (Sam ignores her.) So I'll go to the concert...listen to the music...and dream again of the day when he'll be sitting beside me. Holding my hand...sharing the moment. That's my dream...and mine alone. (Carla beckons at Sam to come closer to her.) That no one can ever -
Carla: (shrieking in Sam's ear) GET HER OUT OF HERE!
Sam: I'll go.
Diane: Only if you really want to!
Sam: But this is not a date. The fact that we sit together has nothing to do with anything. We're going to take seperate cabs. I will not talk to you during the intermission, I'm not going to take you anywhere afterwards, and we will not mention this ever again. OK?
Diane: Fine. (as they exit) Is that love or what?!
