Someday Out of the Blue
by Dulcey
Timeline: The weekend of "The Apparent Trap"; a few months afterwards.
Feedback: Always appreciated! Send any and all comments to: Dulcineah1@hotmail.com.
Some day out of the blue
In a crowded street or a deserted square
I'll turn and I'll see you
As if our love were new
Some day we can start again, some day soon
I do this every once in awhile. Some woman will cross my path, and from behind she looks exactly like Lilith. And even though I have so many other things to do, and there's no chance she could be the one I'm looking for, I still follow her from a distance, hoping beyond hope that she'll turn around and I'll see her face again.
I'll never admit this to anyone, but I miss her. The happiest times of my life were spent with her, curled up in front of the fire after we put the baby to bed. The seductive glances she gave me as we sipped our wine. The way the firelight reflected in her eyes as we made love in front of the hearth. Those years weren't all bad. In fact, even knowing what happened afterwards, I wouldn't give them up.
Here comes the night
Here come the memories
Lost in your arms
Down in the foreign fields
Not so long ago
Seems like eternity
Those sweet afternoons
Still capture me
I loved her so much. More than I'd ever dreamed I could love a woman. I don't think I'll ever completely lose what I felt for her. I tell myself that we're bad for each other, and remind myself of what happened. Common sense insists that I forget about her. Write her off as a bad investment. A wasted seven years of my life.
But there is still one tiny part of me that still loves her as much as I ever did. He's a stubborn devil, bringing up memories that make me flush even now. He won't forget about her, even though the rest of me did long ago. Maybe that's why I'm still single all these years later. How can I love another woman when I'm still not over her?
I still believe
I still put faith in us
We had it all and watched it slip away
Where are we now
Not where we want to be
Those hot afternoons
Still follow me
We'd never talked about what went wrong, not until that night before Lilith and Frederick were scheduled to return to Boston after Thanksgiving. The article we had been writing was finished early in the evening, but Lilith stayed in my room with me instead of going to get some sleep before her flight. As the night wore on, we ended up stretched out on my bed, talking. First about safe subjects, the article, and Frederick, but then the conversation turned towards our relationship, and what went wrong.
"I wish I could show you how sorry I am for what happened," she told me, her voice soft and her eyes darting nervously around the room. "I still don't understand how I could do something like that."
"Oh, it's all right," I said shortly.
"No, it's not," she insisted. "I hurt you horribly, and I don't know how I could have done that. I loved you so much."
"There was nothing I wouldn't have done for you," I said quietly. "You were everything to me."
She reached over and took my hand. I let it linger there, feeling the warmth of her skin against mine. Her gray eyes looked into mine, and I felt like she was seeing right through me, watching my struggle against all the old feelings that were threatening to come up and make me do something I'd regret.
Lilith looked away. "I never stopped caring for you," she said, so softly I had to strain to hear her. "The day you left was the worst in my life."
"Mine too," I agreed. "I spent the entire drive wondering if I'd made a mistake, and if it was too late to turn back?"
"Why didn't you?" she asked. "I kept hoping you would."
I shrugged. "Fear, mostly. I was afraid that if I did come back, nothing would change and I would have lost my chance to start over." Lilith's face fell slightly and she quickly turned around so she couldn't see me. "It's funny, I was so worried about whether I was making a mistake, and seven years later, I still don't know if leaving was the best or worst thing I've ever done."
"I suppose you'll never know now," she said, still facing away from me. "It's been so long, you would probably know by now."
I touched her shoulder and she turned back around, revealing the pain in her eyes. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her until that hurt look went away. I wanted to tell her how important she still is to me, and how I miss her every day. And I wanted to ask her to miss that flight tomorrow, to stay here in Seattle with me and give ourselves another chance.
But I didn't. Fear got the best of me, yet again. It was the same thing that kept me going along the road to Seattle seven years ago, unable to pull over and even think about going back. I withdrew my touch, and glanced away from her face. I froze up, and it wasn't long after that Lilith got up and quietly left the room.
She left the next morning, without saying much. I said goodbye to Frederick, kissed her on the cheek, and then they were gone.
Some day out of the blue
Maybe years from now
Or tomorrow night
I'll turn and I'll see you
As if we always knew
Some day we would live again, some day soon
I still believe
I still put faith in us
The woman turns around, and I caught my breath. And although it was a crowded street, and there was no way she could have heard me above the cars roaring past and people passing every which way, Lilith turned around and saw me standing there. The world seemed to hold still as we moved towards each other, weaving in and out of the crowd until we were face to face.
"You came back," she said breathlessly.
"I came back," I repeated. "I realized that leaving hadn't been my mistake. Where I went wrong was when I left without you." And I kissed her, right there on the street, with everyone watching.
She took my hand and led me back to her place, where we made love like the old days, and after it was over, I felt no trace of the uneasiness or guilt I'd been expecting. It felt so right, like I had always known this would happen. Someday out of the blue.
