Can You Still Hear the Butterflies
Now Playing: "for me this is heaven" - jimmy eat world
my noodlerock phase of life seems to have faded.

"when the big hand goes round" well shit it means time is passing and life is moving. mine sure since the start of this scary/nr blog movement. i still havent changed any lives (well...) but im working on it. famous-o writer... er somthing. anything. id take famous criminal. thats sexy. like short, purple hair. blonde soon, i hope. back to natural.

Toxic Air Vent
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Glory Nights - Pretty In Quotes
so i cleaned the bathroom. top to bottom, side to side. boo urns. im such a slave in this house. i am so frustrated that i want to leave. i like the house, and i like luke. ryan, meh - i dont not like him, but i never hang out with him or talk to him or anything. alex, well, i hate him. end. of. story. like, fuck - i dont have time to go to skool and be the house bitch! alex comes home from work and does nothing - now, this wouldnt be a problem, except for the fact that two weeks ago he made chris cut his hair in the bathroom, and the hair was still EVERYWHERE until i cleaned it up today. ya. disgusting. fuck. i hate boys. i want to live with nice ones - clean ones. greg is a clean boy. maybe he will live with me next year. he bitches a lot about his roommates slacking off - maybe him and i can find two GOOD CLEAN FRIENDLY SMART people to live with us? i bet we would get sick of each other...

Wash My Hands of You
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Underoath - Reinventing Your Exit
i got a B- on that project. pretty damned good, and lucky, considering how i completed it. stupid katie. however, i did get a couple A+'s in the last week or so. right on... oh, and there was a C, but that was in Design Basics (art), so thats cool...

last night, was one of the worst nights of all nights. its still playing over and over in my head. it was long, and today my body is bruised and my head is more fucked up than ever. all i want to do is watch "return to oz" wearing a halloween costume. i love halloween. but back to last night: it started out with my drinking a bottle of wild vines in my room, by myself. that led to partying downstairs, and riding snowboards in the house. all i have to say about that is "ouch". so around 10:30, 11:00 brian, clayton, james, casey, phil and i start heading down to Call the Office. we took some drinks for the road, and were having a good time. were walking down the sidewalk, pretty close to downtown by now, and clayton crosses the street to take a piss, beer in hand. the rest of us keep walking, when a car whips into the driveway right ahead of us. phil lifts his arms up and screams "look out man! you almost hit us!" the guy opens the door and gets out - hes a cop. oh fuck sweet. i dump my 2 litres of rum and coke onto the ground, and phil, the drunken moron does the same. only, i actually dumped mine. phil just set his down. brian was the only one that actually got in shit. the cop made him dump his beer out, and gave him a warning. while all of this is happening on one side of the street, clayton, now done pissing is sneakily walking down the other side of the street, hood up, hat down, looking pretty damn suspicious. way too funny. back on our side of the street, with a sort of "haha this is hilarious, i love playing with college kids" kind of look, the cop asks brian what hes going to do about the beer bottle thats now lying on the lawn. "you wouldnt want me to have to give you a littering ticket too, now would you?" hilarity, no doubt.

so we continue on. phil pisses me off. everyone is drunk. we get to the bar, there are some indie rocker type bands, and the "scene" to match them. watever, i try over and over again to make phil realize that im pissed off at him, and that he should leave me alone. not working. we drink, casey gets wasted, and loud. the last band is playing, they ask if we want to hear a loud or quiet song. loud, duh. i yell. others yell. casey screams. some fucker besides us ignorantly replies "youre at the wrong bar. jim bobs is down the street." my jaw drops, im insulted, he sees im pissed and doesnt look back over at us again. i want to punch this emo-loving-hippy-indie-fat-rocker-wanna be-guy in the teeth and make him cry. i hold back. not casey. she yells some shit at him. he has tears in his eyes. band stops playing, casey approaches the emo-loving-hippy-indie-fat-rocker-wanna be-guy and says some choice words, then they appologize and the two are "friends". whatever, lets get out of here.

so were walking home. phil continues to make me angry. i start sort of chillin by myself, playing in the leaves and stuff on peoples front lawns. uh oh, theres a hedge in front of me, i think ill jump through it. not a good idea. i fall, right onto a rock garden or cement drive-way or somthing. anywho, its hurts. my elbow is fucked. i think its hilarious, so i sorta just lied there and laughed. then phil tried to help me up, and i didnt want him to. brian grabbed my hand, and then some stranger appears and grabs the other one and they pick me up. ok, cool watever. we start walking back to the house again. this stranger guy, "Ian", he told me, walks with me. he seems cool, says he goes to fanshawe, dah dah dah. whatever. so we get back to my house, and im like "alright, see ya later." he asks where im going? "to my house". then he says "so youre not coming home with me?" "uh, no." he then asked me if he could come to my house. again, "uh, i dont think so, no." well the asshole fuckin decided that he was going in with, or without me. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! WHY IS THIS GUY GOING INTO OUR HOUSE?! he went into the downstairs part, where james, clayton, brian and tyler live. i was like, fuck this, and went to the back of the house to see what casey was up to. she wasnt there, so i stay and chill with matt and ashley. phone rings. its casey. "matt, get the fuck over here right now. this guy wont get out of the house." so i go over. hes there, with an $80 bottle of whiskey, and hes not going anywhere. we try to be nice and get him to leave. it wont work. casey calls matt again. (matt is very, well, i guess youd call it tough) matt comes over. tries to get this guy out of the house. guy just keeps pouring us all shots, and everyone keeps taking them. very very quickly, it gets out of hand. the dude is pissed and starts a huge fight. (casey, ashley, james, clayton, phil, brian, me, were all there) this guy is pretty big, and gets matt in a headlock. james is pounding on the guy, its a crazy mess. call 911. the cops are already coming, i guess ashley called. mostly it was a big messy fight, and the guy like fell backwards out the door, landing on top of casey and falling down the (cement, ouch) stairs with her. good thing the neighbours were out of town, it was loud. the guy sort of takes off into the alley, everyone follows. they couldnt really see the guy, but we know hes somewhere back there. i decided to go around the front and make sure he didnt come back around. i walked past our neighbours house, and looked back into the alley. i could see the fuckin guy standing there looking at me. i ran back to the house, and told james and clayton where he was. they go after him, the cops get here. james and clayton are gone a long time. the cops take off in their wagon and somehow find james and clayton who have caught the guy. totally scary. i lost my mind. haha. it so felt like my fault. i cried a lot. everyone was drunk and i was pissed at everyone, so i came upstairs. tried to sleep, couldnt. so, i called john to see if luke was there. he wasnt. (turns out he was STILL passed out in the basement) i decided id call chris to see if hed come talk to me, or if i could sleep there. he answered after one ring - said i wasnt making sense and he was sleeping. what the fuck? chris i hate you. so i went back downstairs and cried to casey and ashley for like 2 hours. ugh. finally went to bed. woke up today at 2, feeling like mega shit.

serves me right. im a drunk. i have the bruises to prove it. boo urns. fuck you ian.

This Life Is Not For Me
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Fuger - Noctiluca
Oh god - fun story - sort of - last night i had this huge project i needed to finish. i was doing pretty well and then my roommate alex went to the liquor store.

Disorder California says: (2:07:19 PM)
   BAD IDEA. he got a bottle of rum for casey (roomie from the back of the house) and well of course i had a couple drinks... you know, juist to relax and then i was gonna do my homeowrk.

Disorder California says: (2:07:22 PM)
   WELL....

alysin says: (2:07:59 PM)
   hahah oh no

Disorder California says: (2:08:23 PM)
   you can guess how this turned out - i ended up feeling prety good - so we went to the basement to jam for a bit (we are starting a fuckin punk rock princess band...) hee hee... so we were jammin and all the guys decided to go to the bar for james' (downstairs roommie) birthday.

Disorder California says: (2:09:17 PM)
   me and casey stayed back for a bit, but eventually we ended up flooding their toilet (the downstairs part of the house is where we jam ... in the basement) so we thought it best to head to the bar, as to not be suspected as flooding the toilet.

Disorder California says: (2:10:02 PM)
   so we go - a few of them are there, then they take off for another bar... thats fine. we stay arond for some more dollar beers... we get almost wasted (by this time its chris casey and i)

Disorder California says: (2:10:09 PM)
   haha... this is getting long, but its a funny nite

alysin says: (2:10:14 PM)
   hahahhahahahha'

alysin says: (2:10:17 PM)
   keep going

Disorder California says: (2:11:33 PM)
   so we finish our beers, and decide to go to the other bar - well i have roommate from the back ashelys id... i know every single fuckin thin on it... she looks nothing like me, but regardles.... so we get to this place called molly blooms and the chick at the door immediately asks casey how many drinks shes had - stupidly, casey says "7 or 8"... haha the chick was like "sorry, YOURE not coming in"

Disorder California says: (2:12:16 PM)
   watevs. shes still looking at my id.... asks me everysingle piece of information - even my fuckin zodiac sign, which i knew... haha... so watever, she ponders over it for a bit, but says no... so we go back to the other bar - they didnt even fuckin id me there...

Disorder California says: (2:13:32 PM)
   so we had some more drinks. casey ended up taking off in a drunken loss of mind something or other, and me and chris finished drinking.....

we leave. chris is like "im tanked. im sick" fuckin pukes clear across the street, then tries to puke in this tiny little recycling bin hole thing

alysin says: (2:14:19 PM)
   haha'

Disorder California says: (2:14:29 PM)
   absoloutely hilarious. we get home. im all like "ok, homework time." its fuckin 2 am or somthing. im too drunk to draw the lines on the thing im working on and cant think clear enough to write an essay. casey tried to help, but she was loaded... chris passed out in my bed... i was soon to follow.

Disorder California says: (2:15:15 PM)
   fuckin wake up at like 430 and my leg is soaked. what the fuck is going on? i have no idea. half the bed is wet. im very confused. chris left at like 5 or somthing and then i cried until 730 when i had to leave for school cause im such a fuck up...

Disorder California says: (2:15:47 PM)
   so i go to skool looking/feeling like shit on 2 hours sleep or somthing. write a test. SOMEHOW ... i have no idea how, get this stupid fuckin project finished and hand the fuckin thing in.

Disorder California says: (2:15:55 PM)
   i kicked some major close ass today. fuck me

alysin says: (2:16:25 PM)
   wait, kick ass good?

Disorder California says: (2:16:57 PM)
   haha sort of, yes cause i got my thinger done... i have another big thing due tomorrow, but i doubt im going to do it...

- the hilarity of which i "spoke" to alison about.
- my life is such a disaster, its really not somthing i should be joking about. this morning i wrote a pretty intense "i hate myself" blurb. that feeling is gone now that i have my typography assignment completed (roughly and crappily, but completed none the less) and handed in. tonight its all abou Quark. not going to be fun. not one bit.

- sometimes i have this beautiful body lying next to me and all i want to do is touch it. but, for some akward, unexplainable reason, i cant. i get scared of how the body will react, and if that body's mind will appreciate the touch. i know the body will, but i cant be sure about the mind - head games. there are always head games going on. i want them to stop, but even as a drunkard, i cant speak about the subject. i wish he would just say things like he used to. its getting all ... weird.

"This life is not for me." or should it be "I am not for this life."?

Swirling Around and Around and Up and Down
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: A Day and a Death Wish - Take to be True
most insane weekend ever.

thursday we got quite drunk. i dont remember anything. i have the bruises and scrapes to prove it all happened tho.

friday greg and i chilled and did some homework. hilary met us at the school so we could finish our interactive design things. i went home some time after that, and drank some rum. dana and savanah finally got here, and we ate some mushrooms. we got totally fucked. everyone in the house was fucked - either on mushrooms or liquor or a combo of both. it was insanity. greg and his roommates came over and ryan had a friend over and it was just nuts. things were going on and i had no idea where i was or what i was doing. it was probably the highest ive ever been - on anything!

saturday i tried to do some homework at gregs place, but just couldnt wrap my head around it, so i gave up and came home. phil came over and we went and got more mushrooms. i ate mine and then went over to chris' for a bit. initally i was pissed at him for being a dick the night before, but that didnt last long. we took some weird pictures and i laughed a lot. i came home and everyone had disappeared, so i grabbed the 3 heinekens that dana and sewell left here, and headed back to chris'. i was pretty high, but not like friday nite. we watched some tv and chris tried doing card tricks, which was absoloutley hilarious. i ended up sleeping on the couch.

sunday morning we woke up at noon and decided it would be an excellent idea to get drunk. so thats what we did.

i skipped early class this morning because i did the assignment that was due and emailed it to brandon whos going to hand it in. sweet deals. i got some of the shit thats due tomorrow done, which is sweet. ill finish tonite, right now i have to get ready for my 3 P.M. class.

The Disaster That Is "My Life"
Mood:  rushed
its definitely fall - and i definitely have SAD.

all the leaves are falling and blowing and the air is cold and crisp and beautiful and i love it.

i cleaned the entire house - well the kitchen (with bleach) - yesterday. i did the living room too, and started on my room, and did laundry... all of this after skipping class. im so overwhelmed with work its ridiculous.

talking to the girlfriend of the guy im in love with is so frustrating. especially because i know how he feels about her, which is often not strongly. im such a jealous person. i think it comes from the fact that i cant express my feelings, and i get all this pent up rage and it just turns to anger and jealousy and lash outs i cant control.

even my friends are messy. i dont know which ones are real - it almost seems as though no one here is a "real one", and that makes me lonely. i miss my friends. more than ever. and, strangely, i even doubt my friendship with them.

solitude is not as nice as i remember. i miss my sisters. again, more bizarreness.

substance abuse. another problem of mine. i know its not good for me, but lately i need it. all of it. d.e.p.e.n.d.a.n.t. liquor, drugs, coffee, nicotine. you name it ill use it.

so many deadlines. so little work done. no desire to do any of it. no desire to do anything, actually... well, except for maybe some of the things sue johanson was speaking about - especially that bottle of wine and then a nice fuck with a dude who knows what hes doing.

This Ones For the Abstentees Now in My Life
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Silent Drive -
"Said its not the loneliness, well this ones to those lies..."

i have no idea what the hell is going on. i almost feel as if im making myself feel this way again, but ive got all these 'other, un-psychological' signs telling me that things are going back to the way they used to be.

there are a few factors: skool work i dont wanna do; boys who i fall in love with but dont return the favour; people who can say nothing more intelligent than "whats up?"; that same person who breaks promises/commitments and lies about the reason why; that same person who uses my god damned shampoo/coffee/juice boxes. hey i may be a little materialistic, but its because i have to spend MY money on these things. fuck you. being poor is another factor for my mentalness.

and i need to stop listening to all this emo crap. it doesnt fuckin help at all.

i need to have a shower and get the fuck outta here. i need a drink and a smoke and some fuckin pills to mask my "wrongness". im sick of "whats the matter katie?" and "hey are you alright?" people ask, but im sure if i gave them the real story theyd think i was fucked and boot it outta 'there' right away.

the records you love are leaving you
because all your dear friends are moving
and you know that if i told you that would be cheating
I made my living just like you
and it's a waste of time to fight you
because everybody seems to like you
I was alone before you arrived
spitting in bags and then throwing them at life
don't you know we've heard this one?
don't you know we've heard this one?
houses i've stayed in are all different
some are built right in the middle of everything
people i've talked to are all fed up with it
seems that looking at you wasn‚t everything
and we've moved,
we've moved and no-one told you.
we've moved together and all against you
we‚re sorry that this feels like this
we're so sorry this feels like a movie but we work in rich colors
and the mood of it all.
we're perfect artists in that we've sold you out just a bit
seems that looking at you wasn‚t everything
my apologies for the grin on my face,
but we hurt you to end hurting all together

This Lady Wants to Take Our Pictures
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Computer Buzzing
awesome, thursday morning, nine in the morning, im at school.

at least were on computers.

last night was fun. chris, brian, luke and i came to the school to watch dodgeball, and eat pizza, and smoke drugs. i had a pretty good time, although chris was being strange - as per usual i suppose. the movie was pretty good. ben stiller's character was hilarious. luke and i had some good laughs. lucky him has no school until one o'clock, on any given day.

poor katie.

London Bridge Is Falling Down
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Canada Playing World Cup Hockey
looks like the angelfire blog took a bit of a make-over on while i was away...

its been quite some time since i last wrote, and a lot of things have been going on.

ive been in london for close to 3 weeks now, and so far, i guess most things are going pretty well. i still dont have a computer, so im bumming off of luke. i started college yesterday, and its fricken weird. i feel so old! i biked past a high school today, and everyone looked so young, and it seemed like they were all trying to act so old - i was probably like that at one time or another, although probably more so when i was in elementary school. i saw all these kids acting all giddy and flirting with each other and all kinds of strange things, and i kept thinking to myself, "jesus, i was more likely to be drunk in math class than to be acting like those fools." and its true. i do believe that i grew up to fast, maybe not too fast, but definitely faster than a lot of kids. blah, i want to write more, but im talkin to bec, so i gotta hit the road.

Cracked In Half
"chasing your shadow isnt what i had in mind."
im cold and im tired and i have no idea what im doing with my life. im sick and more confused than ever. i get caught up in these silly little situations, and cant get myself out of them.

- "where the hell were you guys?"
- "down the street, fucking some sluts, where else would we have been?"
- "katie! what are you doing?!"
- "huh? What do you mean what am i doing?"
- "like what the fuck are you doing? where are you going?!"
- "im waiting for alison so i can go back to montreal, where im staying. what the fuck are YOU doing?"
- "im going to quebec city. so go wait for alison."
- "why cant i wait for her here? shes coming back here!"
- "just go wait for her at the car. you have to stop doing things like this."
- "things like what?! what the fuck are you talking about?! why are you so concerned about me?"
- "because i care (about you?). you need to figure things out."
- "i dunno what the fuck youre talking about, dont worry about me! ive been on my own since i was 17! im not a child anymore."
that was a conversation i had with my good buddy sean the other night. he was drunk, and i was drunk, and i have little idea what he was really talking about.

"i want you to see this through, and i want you to want me too. cause i need this, like i needed you, just know that i will be waiting for you."

i wonder if maybe he was jealous? id like to think so, but it doesnt really make sense. he never said anything to me about it, he would hardly even look at me on wednesday night, and then he gives me this big lecture about what im doing with my life? its kind of nice that he would care, but good god! im not 12! i tried to talk to him yesterday, and the first time he just sort of brushed me off. after that he kinda loosened up and chatted a bit, but he still seemed super pissed.