*FaVoRiTe ScEnEs*
Pilot *Episode 101*
No Michael/Maria Scenes
The Morning After *Episode 102*
(Crashdown Café, Maria and Liz are talking about the aliens)
MARIA: The point is that we don’t know anything about these… Czechoslovakians. Are they good Czechoslovakians? Bad Czechoslovakians? We don’t know. Are they just random Czechoslovakians? For all we know, they don’t have their… passports.
(Alex pops up from the front booth)
ALEX: Who’s Czechoslovakian?
MARIA: Hey!
LIZ: Hey!
ALEX: Hey… so, who’s Czechoslovakian?
(Simultaneously)
LIZ: The new kid at school. MARIA: The guy at the hardware store.
LIZ: The new kid at school who works at the hardware store.
MARIA: Exactly.
ALEX: Oh. What about him?
LIZ and MARIA: Nothing
ALEX: Fantastic.
(Liz and Maria walk away)
MARIA: Czechoslovakian, 9 o'clock.
(Michael is peering through the window, watching them.)
MARIA: OK, that guy creeps me out.
Monsters *Episode 103*
(ALIENS are having lunch together, talking about Maria)
ISABEL: That girl is just an accident waiting to happen.
MAX: Look, Isabelle could you at least t try and make an effort?
ISABEL: No.
MAX: Think about it. People see movies with aliens. Aliens killing humans. Evil aliens. Green aliens. If you keep acting this way with Maria, she's going to think that's what we are.
ISABEL: Exactly. I'm telling you this evil alien thing could work for us in this situation. The way to deal with her is to make her sweat, keep her on her toes. Make her afraid of my shadow, of your shadow, of her shadow, of Michael's shadow. Right Michael?
MICHAEL: Or we could just kill her. Kidding.
MAX: Put that key away.
MICHAEL: You want to know, don't you. I mean you got the buck (or something like that). I mean we've got this key, now what does this key open. Admit that you have to know that.
ISABEL: Could you stop with the key. The key means nothing.
MICHAEL: If the key means nothing then why did it give me a vision the first time I touched it?
ISABEL: Because your brain is warped, just a theory.
MAX: What do you think it means? I mean it's a key, where could it possibly lead?
MICHAEL: I'm telling you the government cleaned out the sheriff's station and this is the key he kept from them.. It's got to be something important. Maybe it belongs to the corpse from 1959.
ISABEL: Michael you're grasping at straws.
MICHAEL: And I know that, but I say we follow where it takes us. I mean who knows where we'll end up. Maybe home. I mean, Maxwell, we can't let this go. We can't just hide.
MAX: I don't know.
(MARIA is talking to people nearby.)
ISABEL: One more day before she cracks. Tops.
MAX: Just try to find something you have in common with her.
ISABEL: Oh please, what could I ever talk to her about?
MAX: Try something. Order some fries. Start a conversation.
ISABEL: No. It's impossible. She's irrational.
MICHAEL: She's kinda weird.
ISABEL is lying in her room. She touches a yearbook picture of MARIA and falls asleep.
*Dream sequence*
LIZ: Some people are just pigs.
MARIA: Tell me about it. (Monsters are sitting at the counter.) Welcome to the Crashdown. AHHHH!
LIZ: What's the matter Maria?
MARIA: Look at them!
LIZ: What Maria?
MARIA: They're repulsive, I mean…
LIZ: They look perfectly normal to me.
(ISABEL appears behind MARIA.)
MARIA: What are you doing here?
ISABEL: I just thought we should talk, and since we can't seem to do it when we're awake, I thought I'd visit you in your dreams.
MARIA: What do you mean visit me?
ISABEL: I'm not really a part of your dream. I can't change it or anything. I just wanted to see what you were thinking. Interesting.
(MICHAEL is sitting at a table dressed in a tuxedo.)
MARIA: When he's dressed like that it makes me feel much less afraid.
ISABEL: Afraid of what?
(MICHAEL turns into a monster.)
MARIA: AHHHHHH! Help! Sheriff I have to tell you!
ISABEL: Tell him what?
MARIA: You guys are horrible disgusting creatures from outer space.
ISABEL: Is that what you would really do?
Leaving Normal *Episode 104*
No Michael/Maria Scenes
Missing *Episode 105*
No Michael/Maria Scenes
285 South *Episode 106*
(Michael walks towards Maria, still trying to find a way to get to Marathon Texas.)
MARIA: Hey, wait. Uh, what's your favorite ice cream flavor? We have to do this completely queer history project for tomorrow.
MICHAEL: Sorry, I'm busy.
MARIA: Wait, will you just answer these questions, ok? Uh, um...who's your favorite relative?
MICHAEL: Get lost, all right? I've gotta...
MARIA: What? You've gotta what? What?
MICHAEL: You driving somewhere?
MARIA: Yeah, to the lift-off gas station to drop off a box for my mom.
MICHAEL: The one near the highway?
MARIA: Yeah. So?
MICHAEL: So, give me a ride and I'll answer your stupid questions.
MARIA: Ok.
(Maria arrives at the gas station)
MARIA: You can't just make up answers.
MICHAEL: Who said I'm making 'em up?
MARIA: You do not watch the view.
MICHAEL: Keeps me in touch with my feminine side.
MARIA: Fine...you know what? I will just make up the answers for you. Help me with the box.
MICHAEL: Bad back.
MARIA: C.O.D. That's 126 bucks. And, uh...cash is preferable.
MARIA: He's stealing my car...you're stealing my car.
MICHAEL: I'm borrowing your car. Now get out.
MARIA: You're telling me to get out? This is my car. Actually, it's my mother's car, and if anything happens to it, life as I know it will be over. So, wherever it goes, i go.
MICHAEL: Fine. You had your chance.
MARIA: Oh, my God. You're kidnapping me. No, wait, you're abducting me!
(Liz's cell phone rings)
LIZ: Hello. Maria, is that you?
MARIA: It feels kind of strange, you know? Being alone in a car with you.
LIZ: In a car alone with who?
MARIA: Not knowing where we're going, when we'll be back.
MICHAEL: Do you always talk this much?
LIZ: Was that Michael?
MARIA: Liz says I talk a lot when i'm nervous. Very nervous.
LIZ: You're nervous about being in a car alone with Michael?
MARIA: So, how far will we be going? South on 285, huh?
LIZ: South on 285?
MICHAEL: What are you...
(Michael sees Maria's cell phone)
MICHAEL: Great.
(Michael tosses Maria's phone out the window)
Maria is arguing with Michael)
MARIA: Marathon, Texas? That's like in another state.
MICHAEL: It's only 3 more hours.
MARIA: You...you are going to be arrested.
MICHAEL: For driving to Texas?
MARIA: Across a state line with a minor? In a stolen vehicle? There are laws, you know. And that cell phone you just tossed? Vandalism of personal property. God, i just...I knew you had criminal tendencies. You even drive erratically.
MICHAEL: What's exactly wrong with my driving?
MARIA: I told you not to go over 80. The engine won't take it.
MICHAEL: Maybe it's just tired of hearing you talk.
MARIA: Oh, so what? What's in marathon? Contraband? Some woman? What?
MICHAEL: You wouldn't understand. You don't understand anything about us.
MARIA: Listen, I already know more than I want to, ok?
MICHAEL: See, it's all about you, isn't it? This could be the most important day of my life and all you care about...
(Police siren sounds and a squad car pulls behind Maria's car)
MICHAEL: Are you happy now? Go ahead, tell 'em I kidnapped you and I stole your car. I mean, what's one more arrest on my record, huh? Damn it!
MARIA: What do you mean, this could be the most important day of your life?
MICHAEL: Forget it.
MARIA: You have 20 seconds to convince me.
MICHAEL: See this place? It's the first real connection we've ever had to finding out where we come from and it's in Marathon, Texas. If I don't get there, or if somebody else gets there first, the only link we've ever found will be gone.
OFFICER: 94. Where you going in such a hurry, son?
MARIA: I've really gotta pee. See...I, I've...I have this like really weak bladder condition and I drank a big gulp at the last station, and it had caffeine, you know, so it makes me have to go even more. So he was just driving really fast so we could get to the next station so i could pee.
OFFICER: Could I see your license, please?
MICHAEL: Of course, officer.
OFFICER: There's a drive-thru about 3 miles up. Nice clean rest rooms. And watch your speed.
MARIA: You owe me big.
Scene switches back to Maria's car)
MARIA: Did you pull on the chokey thing?
MICHAEL: Yes, I did pull on the chokey thing.
(Car sputtering)
MARIA: Hurry, just do something. Go!
MICHAEL: Don't tempt me.
MARIA: Come on. Wiggle your nose, blink your eyes, do the Samantha-Jeannie alien thing. Come on.
MICHAEL: I can't.
MARIA: Why not? Come on! If there's ever a time to have secret powers, now is the time.
MICHAEL: They're not secret powers.
MARIA: I don't care what you call 'em! Just use them and get us out of here!
MICHAEL: I'm not that good at it, all right?!
MARIA: Figures! Hah!
MICHAEL: Your car sucks!
MARIA: And so do you.
(Michael tries to fix the car but winds up blowing up the engine)
MICHAEL: Now that i'm humiliated, and the battery's fried, I'm gonna take the back seat.
MARIA: Wait a minute. Ok. You kidnap me, and you blow up my car, and you expect me to spend the night in here with you?
MICHAEL: Not exactly my fantasy evening either.
MARIA: Don't touch that. It is sensitive!
MICHAEL: Can you shut up?
(A green alien inflates in one of the boxes)
MICHAEL: Well, that's nice.
MARIA: What? What? My mother makes them. What? Where you going? Where are you going?!
MICHAEL: See that motel over there? I want to get some sleep.
MARIA: No, Michael. Wait!
(Maria and Michael enter the motel room)
MARIA: It's like the porno version of Aladdin.
MICHAEL: At least it's warm.
MARIA: I don't even want to think about what I could catch in here.
MICHAEL: You know, if you stop being such a princess about things--
MARIA: Princess? No, no. I think I've been a pretty good sport up until now, but I'm cold, and I'm hungry, and I'm in some nookie motel with a guy i--i barely even know, and I...and I just--I really want to go home right now.
MICHAEL: Why don't you stay here? I saw some vending machines outside. I'll go see what they have. Lock the door.
(In motel room, Maria and Michael are asking each other questions)
MARIA: So, do you get hungry just like the rest of us?
MICHAEL: Yeah. Of course I get hungry.
MARIA: What, uh...what other human urges do you feel?
MICHAEL: Not if you're the last woman on Earth.
MARIA: Ditto. And so you'll know, I am not gonna be getting an "F" on this assignment, so...you better start answering some questions. Right now, pal-ly, and I mean for real. So, favorite ice cream flavor?
MICHAEL: Pistachio.
MARIA: Pistachio...favorite TV show?
MICHAEL: Win Ben Stein's Money.
MARIA: Ok, favorite book?
MICHAEL: James Joyce...Ulysses.
MARIA: You have not read Ulysses.
MICHAEL: "What incensed him the most was the blatant jokes of the ones who pass it all off as a jest, pretending to understand everything and in reality not knowing their own minds." Page 655...told you you wouldn't understand. Next question.
MARIA: All right, if you're so smart, then how come you fail every class in school?
MICHAEL: What number is that?
MARIA: It's my own personal question, ok?
MICHAEL: I don't answer personal questions, ok?
MARIA: All right, fine. Then maybe it's the answer to number 16. What are you afraid of?
MICHAEL: I hate this. This is stupid.
MARIA: All right, how about just one personal question? You know, since I didn't turn you in back there. Why is it so important to you to find out where you come from?
MICHAEL: Because there's gotta be something better out there for me than Roswell, New Mexico.
MICHAEL: You think that's funny.
MARIA: No, no. It's just, um...when i was a kid, I used to stay up at night and, um, make up stories about my father...you know, and who he was and...what he was doing. And they all ended exactly the same way. He would come in a limo and pick me and my mom up and take us off to some exotic place where we'd live like royalty. Because, you know...I thought to myself...there's got to be something better out there for me than Roswell, New Mexico.
MICHAEL: Substitute a spaceship for a limo, and you know what i mean.
MARIA: Yeah. I...I'm, uh, I'm getting kind of tired.
MICHAEL: Yeah. It's been a long day, huh?
MARIA: Yeah.
MICHAEL: I don't suppose we could share?
MARIA: Not if you were the last alien on Earth.
(Maria, who was sleeping on the bed, is awakened by the door opening and rolls onto Michael who was sleeping on the floor)
MARIA: Aah!
LIZ: Maria.
MARIA: What are you guys doing here?
LIZ: Um...well, we thought you were in trouble, but...yeah...I guess we're wrong.
MARIA: No no. You don't think--I mean, that is, like so unreal! I mean...come on, would you tell them?
MICHAEL: Come on, honey, we don't have to lie.
(Maria gasps in disbelief and starts to hit Michael)
ISABEL: I believe you. The day Michael calls anybody honey, it's all over.