Monty Python - Live at City Center
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MAN: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.
RECEPTIONIST: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
MAN: No, this is my first time.
V I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment.
Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. No.
Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
MAN: Thank you.
He enters room 12.
INSULTER: WHADDAYOU WANT?
MAN: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
INSULTER: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
MAN: What?
INSULTER: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU PIMPLE! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS DEVIANT!!!
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
I: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
M: Oh! Oh I see!
I: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M: Oh...Sorry...
I: Not at all!
(under his breath) stupid git.
The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.
MAN: Is this the right room for an argument?
ARGUER: (pause) I've told you once.
MAN: No you haven't!
ARGUER: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't!
A: Yes I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you, I did!
M: You didn't!
A: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
A: Just the five minutes. Thank you.
Anyway, I did.
M: You’re welcome. You most certainly did not!
A: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
M: Oh no you didn't!
A: Oh yes I did! ___
M: Oh no you didn't! \
A: Oh yes I did! \
M: Oh no you didn't! \
A: Oh yes I did! \
M: Oh no you didn't! \
A: Oh yes I did! \
M: Oh no you didn't! \
A: Oh yes I did! - very fast
M: Oh no you didn't! /
A: Oh yes I did! /
M: No you DIDN'T! /
A: Oh yes I did! /
M: No you DIDN'T! /
A: Oh yes I did! /
M: No you DIDN'T! /
A: Oh yes I did! ___/
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!
(pause)
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
(pause)
M: It's just contradiction!
A: No it isn't!
M: It IS!
A: It is NOT!
M: You just contradicted me!
A: No I didn't!
M: You DID!
A: No no no!
M: You did just then!
A: Nonsense!
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
A: No it isn't!
M: Yes it is!
(pause)
I came here for a good argument!
A: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: Well! it CAN be!
M: No it can't! An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't!
M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
A: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
A: Yes it is!
M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
A: It is NOT!
M: It is!
A: Not at all!
M: It is!
>DING!< (The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)
A: Thank you, that's it.
M: (stunned) What?
A: That's it. Good day.
(sits at desk, starts to read)
M: But I was just getting interested!
A: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: (leading on) No it wasn't.....
(pause)
A: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
M: WHAT??
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another 5 minutes.
M: But that was never 5 minutes just now!
(pause...
ARGUER raises his eyebrows)
Oh Come on! Oh this is... This is ridiculous!
A: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
A: Thank you.
M: (clears throat) Well...
A: Well WHAT?
M: That was never 5 minutes just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Well I just paid!
A: No you didn't!
M: I DID!!!
A: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
A: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
A: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
A: YOU didn't!
M: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it!
A: I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
M: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
A: (pause) No you haven't!
M: Yes I have!
If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing on my break. (takes bell, EXITS.)
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