A Puppets and Actors Script by Jeannette Jaquish
(c)2000 Jeannette Jaquish
Offered for royalty free performances, and reprinting for actors’ scripts (but never for resale), if and only if Jeannette Jaquish is listed as author and her website address (www.angelfire.com/scifi/theaterscripts) is included in reprints, and in printed programs or posted at the performance, and if Jeannette Jaquish is notified: funantics123@yahoo.com. (260) 484-5946, (520) 622-6973, 1423 Louisedale, Ft. Wayne, IN 46808. You may charge admission and record the performances. Info on Using Free Scripts
See bigger Baloney Man
CHARACTERS Puppets: SPOILED BALONEY MAN, puppet on fishing line and pole, operator of pole (or someone offstage on microphone) speaks lines.
FROG (narrator), a rather rough, flirty character, with pub street accent
DOG
Actors:
LITTLE OLD LADY
LITTLE OLD MAN
GIRL and BOY
HORSE, actor in costume
Additional actors if needed: pet for Old Couple, animals accompanying horse: ducks, chickens, pigs, cow, etc.
TECH DETAILS:
Narrator Frog on one side of stage, with puppeteer concealed.
Baloney Man pole operator walks onstage taking Baloney Man where he needs to go. Operator should not try to conceal himself or it will be distracting, but the operator should wear black and not draw attention to himself. Pole operator or someone offstage says Baloney Man’s lines -- if offstage, the lines could be spoken into a microphone connected to a speaker concealed center stage. You could get fancy with stereo left and right speakers and an audio board with an operator watching the puppet and panning the sound left or right to follow him.
Make Baloney Man from cardboard circles and glued on stuff. Draw his face on both sides because it will turn uncontrollably onstage. Stink him up with a mix or aromas such as perfume, vinegar, vanilla and soy sauce, etc., but nothing really rotten or the audience will be throwing up. Believe me.
Operating the Baloney Man is tricky especially during the chases. The people really should be running away from the Baloneyman, although they should stumble and gag to slow themselves down. It is the Baloneyman's job to fly through the air to intercept them before they go offstage. In short, the Baloney Man is constantly leaping in front of them, herding them back towards center, then leaping in front of them before they go offstage on the other side. If the people do go offstage the Baloney Man must go offstage to make it appear that he intercepted them when they come running back on. The people should travel as a group, otherwise it makes no sense that a loose person doesn't escape. If someone does wind up separated they should get a dizzy spell, or go blind or something to explain why they don't continue running away.
Make the old man’s dentures by drawing and cutting out a strip of teeth and gums on cardboard then curving it and using Scotch tape from end to end to hold the curve. Or just get some Billy-Bob fake teeth, or vampire teeth. Or he can just pretend to hold them in his hand. All he does is carry them across stage.
SET
(You decide if Sides A and B are left or right. Side B is designed to be the main entrance/exit.)
Shabby couch ( or chairs with blanket over them) facing audience, placed at rear of stage side A.
Table with microwave (or box with flap which opens for door), mustard bottle, condiment jars, etc. on B side of rear stage. Centerish if you have room so the High Beach doesn’t block it.
High beach (brown blanket thrown over chairs facing audience) downstage on B side, will conceal Dog puppeteer.
Pond (cardboard box opened and cut into waves, paint blue, use folds to make it stand up) OR (blue cloth in pond shape on floor) downstage of and touching High Beach, therefore, also on B side.
Whatever conceals Frog puppeteer (chairs with blanket over them, artificial bushes, etc. ) downstage A side.
Note: Horse and chasing Baloney Man should come up through the audience or at least come in a different entrance from the Baloney Man’s exit right before it.
The Spoiled Baloney Man
a Puppet and Actors Show
by Jeannette Jaquish ~*~ (c) 2000 Jeannette Jaquish
FROG: (jumps to his entrance) Kribbit!! Kribbitt!! Hoo-boy! What a morning! But duty calls and here I am to tell you a story. Unless... there are any princesses out there who’d like to give me a kiss... Come on, baby, I ain’t got no warts! (If kissed, he swoons; No kiss, he pouts)
Wow! What a zinger! I’m in love! ( OR ) No kiss?? What if I spit out these flies? spttt - spttt-spttt! (still no kiss) Ohhhh...
Well, kisses are great, but do you know what else I like?? (pause for answers) Those tiny buzzing tidbits on the wing – Flies! Anyone got any dead flies in their pockets? Check under your chairs, the windowsill, behind your ears, don’t be selfish! Toss ‘em over here! (catch imaginary flies in mouth) Aaaaah! Burp! Delicious!
Well, I’d better start earning my flies, so here goes:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was one of those (ENTER Little Old Lady, who stands and Man who slouches in couch pantomiming remote, tv watching.)
once-upon-a-time times, when the Little Old Lady said to the Little Old Man...
L. O. LADY: I’m lonely.
L. O. MAN: You got me.
L. O. LADY: And bored.
L. O. MAN: These socks could use washing.
L. O. LADY: I miss the children.
L. O. MAN: So fix me a snack.
L. O. LADY: Oh, alright.
(Shuffles across stage to “kitchen” table. BALONEY MAN is concealed under dish towel.)
FROG: As the Little Old Lady got out the baloney, mustard and pimentos, she got an idea!
L. O. LADY: I’ll make a little man out of baloney. That will cheer us up!
FROG: She used olives for eyes, a pimento for his smile, a Christmas candy cane for his nose and mustard to trim his shirt.
L. O. LADY: Now aren’t you cute?
FROG: Then she used Chocolate Ex-Lax for a hair flip and Trix Yogurt for sparkly pink cheeks and Miracle Whip for shiny white booties, and (nauseated)ooohhh.. and people get nauseated when I talk about eating flies...
L. O. MAN: (hollering) Hey! Where’s my snack???
FROG: The little baloney man’s smile made her happy.
L. O. MAN: Did you DIE in there???
FROG: She wished he could come alive and play around the house.
L.O. MAN: Hurry up! Matlock’s starting!!!
L. O. LADY: Matlock!!! Coming! (sticks Baloney Man into microwave, punches buttons, and runs to sit on couch)
FROG: The little old lady put the Little Baloney Man into the microwave to make him toasty and delicious and he was done in no time. Unfortunately, the little old lady and the little old man fell asleep in front of the tv...
(LITTLE OLD LADY AND MAN fall asleep, snoring.)
MICROWAVE: Ding!
LITTLE OLD LADY & MAN: Snore!!!!
FROG: and when they woke up, (OLD LADY & MAN wake up and, scratching and creaking, shuffle offstage.)
they had forgotten all about the little baloney man. Then for the next three days they ate lime Jello and chicken wings from the deli, (OLD MAN shuffle in with false teeth in hand.)
so by the time.....
L. O. MAN: Brrrrr! I hate putting cold dentures into my mouth. 30 seconds in the microwave will warm these chompers up. (Opens microwave and is knocked onto his rear end by the smell.)
Aaaaack! What is that horrible smell??? Must.... close....door...
(Tries to crawl to microwave but is driven back.)
Aaaaack! Too... stinky.... Can’t ...... breath..... Honey! Come close the microwave! (Collapses)
(L.O. LADY ENTERS.)
L.O. LADY: Goodness! Do I have to do everything? (Hit by smell. Stumbles around falling onto knees.)
Bad.... smell....! Stink! ..... Stink! ...... From up in the microwave!
L.O. MAN: It’s spoiled!
L. O. LADY: It’s rotten!
SPOILED BALONEY MAN (bouncing out): It’s the Spoiled Baloney Man!!!
L.O. MAN: It’s alive! (stands shakily)
L. O. LADY: As well as dead! (gets to her knees)
L.O. MAN: Run for your life! (stumbles, dizzy) Give me a push dear!
L. O. LADY: You’re not leaving me behind you big coward! (grabs his pantleg and pulls herself up)
(The gag here is that the Baloney Man is doing the chasing. The trick is that he jumps in front of people scaring them back toward center stage, then as they continue towards offstage on the other side, he leaps in front of them again, chasing them back. The people should stumble, gag and collide to slow themselves.)
BALONEY MAN: Run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the Spoiled Baloney Man!
Catch me! Catch me! Oooops! Slipped out of your fingers! (Continue chase and Baloney chatter as FROG speaks.)
FROG: Not a pretty picture, or smell, when BALONEY GOES BAD!
(L.O. LADY & MAN will collapse in a faint and BALONEY MAN will dance on their bodies.)
What drives baloney to senseless acts of terror? It’s the old nature vs. nurture question. Raised by bacteria in a cold, dark microwave oven – would love, color and stimulation in its childhood have made a difference?
(Baloney Man sneaks up behind him) Or is it the nature of a substance composed of gristle and organs, various linings and fluids, swept up from the floor and run through a grinder... Wheww! That’s a baaad smell!
(Baloney Man pounces on FROG.)
BALONEY MAN: Can’t catch me! Can’t catch me!
FROG: Aaaack! It stinks! It stinks! (Faints.)
BALONEY MAN: Ohhhh.... No one to chase me.
(GIRL & BOY ENTER tossing ball back and forth.)
GIRL: (running across stage) Throw it to me!
BALONEY MAN: Oh, boy! They’re going to chase me!
BOY: (running close to BALONEY MAN.) I’m open! Pass it! (sniff) Whoooeee! What’s that bad smell?!
GIRL: Ewww, yuck! It smells like something died and came to life and died again!
(BALONEY MAN will repeatedly leap in front of kids, chasing them back and forth.)
BALONEY MAN: Bingo!! I’ve run away from a little old lady (L.O. LADY convulses, gags) and I’ve run away from a little old man (L.O. MAN convulses, gags) and I can run away from you, I can I can! Run Run Run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the Spoiled Baloney Man!
BOY: Can’t breathe! Air ... is ... thick... with stinky stink.....
GIRL: Can't breathe.... darkness....
(GIRL & BOY collapse near O.L. LADY & MAN.)
BALONEY MAN: Oh! Chasing me wore them out. They sure wanted to catch me, but I was too fast! But now I have no one to play with. (Starts bouncing around audience) Do you want to chase me? Catch me and you can eat me! I’m real slippery! Try and grab me – I’m too quick! Nyaah! Nyaah... (continue as Frog talks)
(FROG revives.) FROG: What happened? Where am I? What is that bad smell????!
(BALONEY MAN pounces on FROG. FROG faints again.)
BALONEY MAN: Oh! No one will chase me. I’ll have to go find some playmates somewhere else.
(BALONEY MAN EXITS, goes back stage and will reappear coming from rear of audience.)
(FROG & PEOPLE revive, confused.) L.O. LADY: Land o’ Goshen! How long have I been lying on the ground? And what’s that horrible smell?
L.O. MAN: Ooooh, my head. How can I have a hangover from prune juice? Phewww! Is there a mountain of dirty socks nearby?
FROG: Ay Caramba! I saw my life flash before my eyes – my first legs, my first fly. The first princess to drop kick me..... Great Salamander! Where is that repulsive Spoiled Baloney Man???
GIRL (hysterical): He was awful! He kept bouncing and bouncing and stinking and stinking!
BOY (drops to knees, clutches head looking up): The horror! The horror! The horror!
L.O. LADY: (patting them) There, there, children. I’m sure the Red Cross will be here soon.
L.O. MAN (military fury): We’ll need more than Ace bandages and Nutter Butter cookies to fight this.... this... Perversion of everything that ain’t natural. We’ll need a moat! A moat filled with bleach! And grenades. To blow him to bits!!!
GIRL: But what if each bit grows into another Spoiled Baloney Man, like in the Sorcerer’s Apprentice???
BOY: There will be billions of them spreading stink across the world!!!
FROG: Chill out, people! The putrid dude is gone!
GIRL, BOY, L.O. MAN & LADY: Gone???? Gone!!!!
GIRL: But where?
L.O. MAN : Who cares? The government can deal with him now. What do you think we pay taxes for?
L.O. LADY: Oh, but, darling our house still reeks. We can’t live in this stink!
L.O. MAN: Better burn it.
L.O. LADY: I’ll get the car out of the garage. I hope the windows were rolled up.
BOY: I hope my family will move to another state. They just HAVE to!
(HORSE (and any extra animals) run in from audience rear, chased by BALONEY MAN.
People scatter to back and side of stage, watching in horror.)
BALONEY MAN: I’ve run away from a Little Old Lady and a Little Old Man and a girl and a boy and I can run away from you, too, I can I can!
HORSE: (gasping) Can’t run.... can’t breathe.... I’m comin’ home, Nelly! (Drops dead with feet in air.)
BALONEY MAN: (dancing on horse) Run run run as fast as you can! Oh, darn! He’s not playing anymore. Wake up! Giddy-up, pony! Phooey! Who will chase me now? (sees people) Well, hello!
L.O. MAN: Play dead!
(They all play dead with legs in air like horse.)
BALONEY MAN: Oh! Poopadoople! (bouncing from person to person, they gag as he lands on them) Everybody is too tired. Hmmmm.... well, I’ll just take a nap over there in the warm sun and work on my taint.
(EXITS singing Rod Stewart song) If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy.....
(FROG & PEOPLE get up, approach dead HORSE)
GIRL: Poor sweet horsey. (Lays his legs down. People can drag him off now or leave him on.)
L.O.MAN: At least he can’t smell anymore. The whole neighborhood stinks. Needs a Super Fund Toxic Cleanup.
BOY: Or three feet of cement.
L.O. LADY: Don’t they make horses into baloney?
GIRL, BOY, L.O. MAN & LADY: Aaaack!
L.O. MAN: Dang it! Another vicious stinkin’ circle of life domino effect!
GIRL: Will it never end???
BOY: Someone has to stop the Spoiled Baloney Man!
L.O. MAN: You volunteering, big guy?
BOY: You walked to school in a blizzard!
GIRL: You fought in World War 1, World War 2 and Korea!
BOY & GIRL: You stop him!
L.O. MAN: Oh! Sure! You knocked the knees out of my blast him to bits idea before, but nobody has the guts to take charge themself!
L.O. LADY: Oh, Amos! Don’t be such a grouch!
BOY: Where’d this Baloney Guy come from anyway?? Someone made him!
GIRL: And someone let him rot!
L.O. LADY: What’s done is done! We have to work together. So shut up!
L.O. MAN: Hey! I was watching Matlock. And I never even got my snack!
L.O. LADY (to L.O. MAN): Shhhhh.
GIRL: You created him! Didn’t you?
BOY: Boy! Grown-ups mess up everything!!
FROG: Humans! Humans! This isn’t solving anything!
(People turn to look at FROG.)
GIRL, BOY, L.O. MAN & LADY: That Frog!!!
L.O. LADY: Why don’t you stop this Baloney Monster??
L.O. MAN: Yeah! Push him in the pond and bury him in the mud!
GIRL: Hello????? Ground water pollution!
(DOG ENTERS behind pond, sniffing.)
BOY: I have an idea! Put the Spoiled Baloney Man into a box and mail him somewhere!
L.O. MAN: Like Washington, DC!
L.O. LADY: Or the I.R.S! hee-hee-hee-hee!
FROG: People! People! I think we have a solution!
(All turn to look at DOG.)
DOG: (sniffing) Rowrrr! Where is it! Where is that heavenly smell coming from? Such delicious decay! Such sweet stench! I want to roll in its luxurious stickiness. I want to give it great slobber licks until it is shiny and drippy. I want to gnaw it, and nibble it, and wolf it down, and then urp it back up, and then once again lick and / (interrupted)
OLD MAN: You want to EAT the Spoiled Baloney Man??
DOG : No, no! “Eat” is too coarse a word. I want to savor him, wallow in him, nuzzle him with my muzzle all warm and fuzzley...
(OLD LADY, MAN AND GIRL drop to knees gagging next to BOY.)
DOG: I salivate my desire in long slobbery strings! I piddle the gravel, such is my eager anticipation! I yearn for this perfectly Spoiled Baloney Man! Where is he? Oh, where can he be???
GIRL: Here it comes! Eeeeek!
(PEOPLE scatter to back and sides of stage as BALONEY MAN ENTERS.)
BALONEY MAN: Run run as fast as you can! A Dog!!! Yoo-hoo!! You can’t catch me, I’m the Spoiled Baloney Man!
DOG: Rowrr! (Leaps for Baloney Man repeatedly, but cannot catch him.)
BALONEY MAN: Can’t catch me! etc.
GIRL: Oh! The little dog can’t catch him. (to boy) Can you hold him down?
BOY: I ain’t grabbing that slimey thing!
OLD MAN: Little coward. Deserting your country. Maybe it smells better in Canada.
OLD LADY: I know what to do! Everyone! Wade across the stream! Come on!
(PEOPLE and FROG – if possible—cross stream and stand downstage side.)
BOY: Now what?
OLD LADY: (loudly) Oh, I do miss chasing that cute little Baloney Man!
BOY: I get it! Yeah! (loudly) Oh, yes, I’d love to get my hands on that bouncy Baloney Man!
OLD MAN: Feeling safer over here, huh, little dodger? Maybe you should run for president.
GIRL: (singing) Oh where, oh where did my little baloney man go? Oh, where, oh where can he be?
PEOPLE (singing): With his head sliced thin and his body all spoiled, Oh, where, oh where can he be?
BALONEY MAN: The people want to chase me! Oh, Dog! Please give me a ride across the steam? Water makes my mustard smear.
DOG: Sure, Baloney Boy!
BALONEY MAN: Promise not to eat me?
DOG: Dog’s Honor!
BALONEY MAN: OK! Catch me!
(BALONEY MAN jumps towards DOG. DOG grabs him in his teeth and pulls him behind beach.)
DOG: (gobbling sound)
(Option: Music plays or people sing Wedding March tune.)
DOG: BURP! (pops up) Darn! Forgot to taste my food again. I’ve got to learn to eat slower.
(PEOPLE run to behind DOG and pet him.)
PEOPLE: Good dog, etc.
GIRL: Didn’t you say, “Dog’s honor?”
DOG: Do I look like Lassie? Come on! Gimme a break!
BOY: You’re a hero, Dog! (hugs him)
DOG: Burp!
PEOPLE: Ughhh! Dog breath!! (PEOPLE EXIT.)
DOG: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Burps are like dessert. (EXIT)
FROG: The Spoiled Baloney Man was gone, the environment sort of recovered, and all lived happily after... until...
OLD LADY (ENTERING): I’m lonely. I think I’ll make a casserole girl.
See bigger Baloney Man
