He had never expected this. How could he have predicted something like this happening? When the call had come, he had been stunned into silence. Dropping the phone may have been a cliché, but he did it anyway as he lost all feeling in his hands and his knees gave way beneath him as he slumped to the floor. The hollow “I’m sorry” echoed in his mind, as he bowed his head forward, resting it on his knees as the first salty tears began to fall. He wasn’t military; he didn’t have to remain detached and unemotional.
He didn’t know how long he sat there in his hall, the phone remaining where he had dropped it. He could hear the birds singing and the sounds of children playing happily outside, and the bright sunlight of the summer’s day shone in, illuminating the grief-stricken man.
He had allowed himself to fall in love again, only to lose this woman to human stupidity. He had travelled the galaxy through alien technology for over six years, and was still there, albeit only justly. She on the other hand, had rarely ventured through the Stargate for she was too valuable at the SGC. They had been fighting the greatest enemy mankind had ever known, and she had been knocked down by a drunk driver in Colorado Springs. She didn’t even have the luxury of having the best doctor he had ever known working on her, for she had been that doctor.
“Daniel?” A curious voice cut into his misery, and he looked up at the alien teenager whom SG-1 had rescued during the first year of the SGC operations. “Are you alright?”
Doctor Daniel Jackson, the anthropologist and archaeologist of SG-1, looked up at Cassandra Fraiser, who had returned home from the US Air Force Academy, where she was in her first year, for a weekend. Tears were still glistening in the man’s eyes, and Cassandra dropped down beside him, worry present on her youthful face. “Daniel, what’s wrong?”
“Cassie, I’ve got some bad news for you,” Daniel began, wondering how he was going to break it to the eighteen-year-old. Cassandra had lost her entire family, her entire village, when she was twelve back on her home planet of Hanka, and he really didn’t want to have to be the bearer of such bad news.
“What is it?” Cassandra asked, the fear evident in her voice. She had never seen Daniel like this in all the years that she had known him, and this scared her. She had only ever seen his best friend Jack look like this, when Sam had been taken over by a Goa’uld, and that was a good few years ago. She knew that whatever news her adopted-father was going to give her wasn’t going to be good.
“I’ve just received a phone call from the Academy Hospital,” Daniel began again, his voice already feeling as though it was going to fail him. And even once he had told Cassie, he knew that there would be a number of other people he would have to call or inform. At least the hospital would call her parents; he knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle having to break the news that their eldest daughter was dead. He took Cassie’s small hands in his own, and noticed that she was trembling. “Sweetheart, Janet was rushed into the ER there two hours ago. She’d been knocked down by a drunk driver.”
“But she’s okay right?” Cassie asked, looking at him with fear and horror. She was pale, and Daniel wished that he didn’t have to continue.
“Cassie, Janet died about half an hour ago,” Daniel informed her quietly, watching as her face turned a deathly white then rather green.
“No,” she choked, and Daniel pulled her into his arms and held her close. “She can’t be dead. She called me this morning to see if I was coming home, and said that she was going over to Sam’s for lunch, then going shopping this afternoon if there was anything I wanted. You’re lying!” She pulled back from him, refusing to accept the truth.
“Oh God I wish I was,” he replied. “According to the doctor I spoke with, she suffered massive internal injuries, and it was just too extensive. They tried to save her but couldn’t. Cassandra, they worked on her for over half-an-hour trying to bring her back to us, but they couldn’t. She’s dead sweetheart. We’ve got to accept that.”
He was vaguely aware of the tears that were trickling down his cheeks again as he held out his arms for the teenager who gladly accepted the physical comfort he was offering. They clung to each other, Cassie mourning a second mother lost, and Daniel trying to deal with having his fragile heart shattered.
Daniel had thought that he had no more tears left to cry, but he was proven wrong as they continued to cascade down onto Cassie’s shoulder. However, his were silent as she sobbed her heart out. Eventually, she calmed down and was taking in short breaths as Daniel patted and rubbed her back comfortingly. He tried to think of something to say, but knew that nothing would bring her any comfort during this traumatic experience.
The face that looked up at him when she finally pulled away was pale and drawn.
“Do you want to lie down for a bit?” Daniel suggested gently, knowing that he had to attend to the needs of the young woman before anything else. He had been told that he would have to go down to the hospital to formally identify the body, but as cowardly as it was, he was certain that he would be unable to do it by himself. Cassie just nodded, and let him lead her upstairs to her old room and tucked her in as though she was still a small child. He brushed back hair from her face, and sat with her until she fell asleep from emotional exhaustion. With one final glance back, Daniel closed the door and sighed. There was little chance that she would be returning to the Academy on Sunday night, which added another number to the list he would have to call.
He himself was exhausted, but knew that he didn’t have time to take a nap. He didn’t even know if he would be able to lie in the same bed that he had shared with Janet without being assaulted by a barrage of memories of the woman he loved. Sleep would not come easily to him for a long time now, and nightmares would haunt him for longer.
The shrill ringing of the telephone again startled him, and his blood rang cold. The last time he had answered the phone, his world and his heart had been shattered. Gathering up his courage, and with his mouth dry and heart pounding he picked up the cordless phone that had been left on the landing table and answered with a cautious “Hello?”
“Hey Daniel,” Sam’s cheery voice greeted him, and Daniel swallowed hard, for she hadn’t heard the news and he’d have to be the one to tell her that her best friend was dead. “Is Janet there?”
Daniel swallowed hard again, wishing that he were at least able to tell her in person. But this wasn’t something that he could procrastinate about.
“Daniel? You still there?” With no response, Sam was wondering what exactly was happening over at her friends’ house.
“I, uh, Sam,” he began. “There was an accident. Janet was knocked down and killed by a drunk driver in the city about forty minutes ago.”
“Shit.” The expletive was softly spoken, and Daniel knew from the silence that followed that Sam was trying to keep her emotions under control. As she had said to him when they first rescued Cassandra, she was supposed to remain detached, but with the news that her best friend had just died, emotional detachment was unlikely to happen. “Does Cassie know yet? How’s she taking it? Oh God Daniel, how are you taking it?” It was typical Sam – worrying about others without a second thought for herself. “She’s sleeping now,” he said, casting a glance back at the girl’s closed bedroom door. “I think she’s in shock. She didn’t believe me at first, and when I explained further, she started to cry.”
“What about you?” Sam asked again, knowing how he had been so scared to fall in love again due to the horror and tragedy surrounding his first wife’s abduction, and later death. He had confessed to Sam that he had never expected to fall in love again, but he couldn’t help falling head-over-heels for the beautiful 5’2 medical officer. He had taken a risk with his fragile heart, which once gain had been shattered into a thousand parts with the loss of Doctor Janet Fraiser.
“I’m okay,” Daniel replied automatically, knowing that he would be asked how he was doing countless times over the coming weeks. It had been the same after Sha’re’s death, only this time, the whole of the SGC would be mourning their own loss as well as his. Everyone on base had followed their romance with almost as much interest as their speculations about Sam and Jack. They had made no secret of their transgression from colleagues to friends and then to lovers, and their wedding early the previous year had been awash with dress uniforms. Even Major Davis had made the trip from Washington to join in the celebrations and offer his congratulations. The dress uniforms and Major Davis would soon be making reappearances; this time for Janet’s funeral.
“Uh hu.” Sam sounded sceptical; knowing that her grief paled in significance to what he must be feeling right now. Only if she lost Jack – God forbid – would she have any idea of the intensity of the emotions involved. “Oh God Daniel, if you need anything, just call me okay?”
“Sure,” he assured her, actually planning to call and send Jack over to check on her. Janet and Sam had been as close as sisters, and Janet’s death would hit the other woman hard even though she would be unlikely to admit it.
A wail from the next room prevented him from saying anything else, and he said his hasty goodbyes to Sam and headed into the nursery. Four-month-old Laura Claire Jackson looked up at him, and blinked away tears from her clear blue eyes, which were identical to his own.
“Hey baby,” Daniel whispered, as he picked up the small infant and cradled her close to him. With the exception of the eyes, she reminded him so much of Janet that it almost hurt to look upon his own daughter. “Guess you’ve finished with your nap now, huh? Mama put you to bed, but it’s just going to be daddy now. Mama’s gone to heaven to live with the angels, and Aunt Sha’re and your granddad and grandma and she’s going to watch over you and Thomas and Cassie.” Daniel knew that the baby understood none of his ramblings as he paced aimlessly across the room, feeling the tears well up again.
“Dada.” The voice came from the door, and Daniel turned to see his son Thomas rubbing his eyes and trailing his blanket behind him. He had fallen asleep on the sofa by Daniel just moments before the fatal phone call, and even though the two-year-old had already had a nap earlier, Daniel had let him sleep. “Where’s mama?”
“Mama’s gone away Tom,” Daniel said, trying to keep his voice steady. The more times he had to say it, the harder it was becoming, although this might have been because he was forced to tell his son that he was now motherless.
“When she back?” Tom demanded in his simple English. He was clearly a bright boy, and as well as being advanced for his age in English language skills, he had also picked up German from his father and grandmother, and would sometimes come out with the odd word in Ancient Egyptian or Latin.
“She’s not coming back,” his father replied, watching as the boy’s lip trembled and tears filled his eyes.
“She didn’t say goodbye?” Tom wanted to know, and Daniel’s heart broke, as he readjusted Laura and picked the toddler up, who clung to him. Janet’s exact words as she had left the house earlier after putting Laura down for her nap had been “Be good boys and I’ll see you later,” after kissing them both. If only Daniel had known that he would never see her alive again, he would have had made the kiss more memorable, instead of the brief brushing of the lips they shared when one left the house. “Where she go?”
“Heaven,” Daniel told him simply. With being bounced around so many foster homes as a child, Daniel had seen religion in all forms, although he had never chosen one himself. On Abydos, there had still been the few who believed in the false gods, and when Daniel had returned to Earth, he had a renewed interest in the religions of the world, and had on several occasions turned to faith to get him through some of the harder times. He would be returning to faith now, and his belief was that Janet was in a better place now, looking down on them, and watching out for him and their children. “She died Tom, and went to heaven.”
“What is death Daniel?” Cassie had obviously been woken up by something, for she entered the room and took the baby off him, allowing him to hold his son more comfortably.
For all his knowledge, this wasn’t something that Daniel could answer easily and he thought about it. He knew the medical definition of death of course, but realised that wasn’t the answer that Cassie was asking for. A memory of reading Cassie story books when she first arrived on Earth came to mind, in particular one chapter when the same question had been asked. “Just falling asleep with God – to awake in His presence.”
He saw the spark of recognition in Cassie’s eyes as she smiled sadly, and moved to leave the nursery.
Janet had been buried with full military honours, but Daniel had been oblivious to everything except his children and the coffin in front of them which contained the last mortal remains of his beloved wife.
Jack had given her eulogy, and a lot of tears had fallen for the well-respected and well-loved doctor. All her family had flown in to Colorado, and although it was only the second time he had met Janet’s two brothers, and the third meeting with her sister, they had all offered their sympathies and help with the children if he ever needed it. Janet’s parents he had met more often, and they had immediately adopted him into their family and had flown in as soon as they heard the news, while the others only made it to the funeral itself. Virtually the whole of the SGC had turned out; with only the smallest number possible remained on base to keep it operational. As the Chief Medical Officer, Janet had been in contact with more or less everyone on base, and had helped saved the lives of countless members of the command. It was the least they could do to come along and honour hers.
Cassie had chosen to stand with pride in her cadet’s uniform alongside the two military members of SG-1 and General Hammond, while Daniel enlisted his mother-in-law’s help with the children. She had cradled Laura, while he held Tom throughout the entire service. Both had been quiet throughout the service, for which Daniel had been thankful, as he didn’t know anyone who would have been free to baby-sit.
Jack had held the wake at his house, although for the first half, Daniel had just sat in the darkened master bedroom where he had put the children down for naps. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to go downstairs and face all the sympathy from everyone. The only people he had seen during the week outside Janet’s family had been Sam, Jack, Teal’c and General Hammond – his family. He had told them about his decision to leave SG-1, and they supported him fully, for they knew that his young family would have to come first. His two children were already motherless – he wouldn’t risk them becoming orphans. He was to stay on at the SGC as an advisor to the teams, but this would mean regular hours, and few, if any off world jaunts. He had proposed his assistant, Jonas Quinn, one of the refugees brought back through the Stargate, as his replacement, and Hammond had agreed for the man was a fast learner and had spent most of his year on Earth studying all of Daniel’s mission reports and books. The General had also denied Jack’s request of retirement, because Janet’s loss had reaffirmed just how quickly things could change, and made him and Sam realise that should one of them lose the other, they wanted to have at least shared what Daniel and Janet had done. However, Hammond had also declared that as long as they kept any fraternisation off base and were impartial to each other whenever they were on duty, then they could do whatever they want away from the Air Force.
But as glad Daniel was that his friends could finally seek happiness in each other, all his thoughts were still of the woman he loved, as he sat in the dark, watching their children sleep.
The end
The quote about falling asleep to awake with God was said by Madge Russell to Joey Bettany and Grizel Cochrane in “The Head Girl of the Chalet School” by Elinor M. Brent-Dyer.