by TC

Starscream: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

Soundwave: What the hell’s wrong with you?

Starscream: I’m having the baby!

Skywarp: Baby? That’s it, I’m outta here. I’m terminating my contract.

Thundercracker: How long were you knocked up, Screamer?

Starscream: *oof* About two bleems, or the space between two fanfics.

Thundercracker: Whoa.

Soundwave: All right, no need to panic. Let’s get to the hospital--

Starscream: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Soundwave: What the--that was only three minutes apart!

Skywarp: Is that bad?

Soundwave: Well, it means if we don’t hurry it up, the damn kid will be dropped right here on the floor.

Skywarp: I just waxed!

Starscream: GODDAMMIT, SKYWARP! *UGH!* I can’t move!

Thundercracker: We’re not gonna make it to the hospital in time.

Starscream: We have to *OOF* I booked a suite with the most beautiful pink silk wallpaper…NOW WHAT?!

Megatron: What’s going on?

Soundwave: Starscream’s about to pull a Mary Sue!

Megatron: HUH?!

Soundwave: Never mind! He’s having a baby.

Megatron: Holy shit! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Megatron runs out of the room screaming.

Thundercracker: He handled that well.

Starscream: Oh, no, another one! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

Soundwave: I’m gonna do something I never thought I would do.

Skywarp: Deliver a baby?

Soundwave: HUH? NO WAY! ICK! Like, GOD, they are TOTALLY messy! I meant call that Autobot medic, Monkeywrench.

Thundercracker: Ratchet.

Soundwave: Oh, right. ASTROTRAIN!

Skywarp: Aw, dude, my ears!

Astrotrain: What?

Soundwave: Load us up, we need to go to Autobot HQ for a medic.

Blitzwing: Road trip? Goody, I love road trips.

Dirge: Count me in!

The Constructicons: AND US!

Soundwave: Where the hell have you all been?

Ramjet: Making bets on the father…OW! (Thrust smacks him)

Astrotrain transforms and everybody piles in.

Soundwave: Astrotrain, jack off!

All: …

Soundwave: WHAT?!

Starscream: You stole my bit!

Soundwave: You never even said it! It was off of some sicko fleshie fanfic!

Starscream: Never mind! Astrotrain, just go.

Astrotrain jacks off.

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Thundercracker: Aw, cheez…

Later…

Soundwave: NOW are we ready to go?

Ramjet: Not without hosing off first! We’re all sticky.

Soundwave: Gross.

Astrotrain: (smoking a cigarette) Aw, yeah, let’s DO THIS!

All: …

Astrotrain: WHAT?!

Dirge: You just did.

Astrotrain: Forget it. Get in!

Skywarp: Get in? All right!

Skywarp humps Astrotrain.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Soundwave: Primus. Starscream, how old is that kid now?

Starscream: Oh, very funny! Aw shit, contraction! AAAAAAAAAHHH!

Soundwave: AAAAAAHHH!! Skywarp, get off him! We gotta GO!

Skywarp: Nngh! Aw, dammit!

Once again, everyone piles inside Astrotrain and takes off.

A few minutes later…

Astrotrain: Jettison some weight, or we’ll never make it to the Autobots.

Soundwave: Fellow Decepticons, Astrotrain has requested we lighten our burden.

Scavenger: In that case, I say it is survival of the fittest.

Soundwave: Do I hear a second on that?

Healthy Cons: AYE!

Soundwave: Against?

Starscream: NAY! I’M the reason we’re seeing the Autobots!

Ramjet: Seeing them? You mean we’re going on a date? I didn’t get a chance to polish my cone!

All: …

Ramjet: WHAT??!

Soundwave shoves Ramjet out of Astrotrain.

Soundwave: Anyone else?

All: NO!

Soundwave: Aw, who cares. Get out. (pushes Skywarp, Thundercracker and the Insecticons out the door)

Skywarp: Not agaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnn…

At Autobot HQ…

Ironhide: You see that, Prime? Decepticreeps heading this way!

Prime sitting on the toilet: YOU MIND?!

Ironhide: Sorry.

Prime: How do you know it’s the Decepticons? I’m expecting a porn delivery from Slutbot.com.

Soundwave with Starscream arrive ahead of the others.

Starscream: We’re not here to fight! I’m having a baby.

All: …

Starscream: WHAT?! It’s true! Take it up with the idiot author!

It’s true.

Prowl: O…K…what do you expect us to do?

Starscream: Where’s that medic?

Jazz: Which one?

Starscream: Ratchet.

Jazz: He ain’t here.

Starscream: Where is he?

On a cheesy set in L.A….

Director: All right, this is what we’ll need. Vixen, you lay on the chaise lounge like this. Where’s my main man? Ratchet?

Ratchet: Here I am! Had to get all oiled up.

Director: Now, lay beside each other like that, aaaaaaaaand ACTION!

Vixen: Oh, Ratchet. This is so nice. Want some water? (starts rubbing Ratchet’s crotch)

Ratchet: Uhh…forget the water, let’s fuck!

They fuck.

Back at Autobot HQ…

Soundwave: Oh, hell.

Starscream: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Prowl: What the hell is that?

Jazz: Looks like a head.

Huffer: Oh, my god! Starscream’s mutating!

Grimlock: Me Grimlock see two-headed Decepticon. Why heads so far apart?

Soundwave: Shit! He’s having the baby! We need your help!

Prowl: All right, this should be fun.

A few minutes later, all of the Autobots and Decepticons are gathered in the Autobot HQ.

Prime: Since Ratchet ain’t here, Sparkplug, I nominate you to deliver the baby.

Sparkplug Witwicky: W-w-w-whaaaa?

Cliffjumper: You’re experienced in repairs. You know more about us than we do.

Sparkplug: But I’ve never delivered a freaking baby. When my wife had Spike I hid in the closet!

Skywarp: I guess you could say when Spike was born, you came out of the closet.

All: …

Skywarp: WHAT?!

Bluestreak: Aw, don’t flip out, Sparkplug, we’re here to help.

Bumblebee: As long as we don’t have to touch him.

Sparkplug: Ok, the first thing would be to check how far he’s dilated. Uhh…

Ironhide: I say he’s pretty open. Check this out! (grabs Sparkplug and stuffs him into Starscream’s opening.)

All: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!!!

Sparkplug: MMMMPHGPPHMRRGRRMMPH!

Prime: Ironhide, you idiot. Get him out.

Ironhide pulls Sparkplug out and hold him up in the air.

Ironhide: It’s a boy!

Everybody groans.

Prime: IRONHIDE!

Prime shoots Ironhide in the shoulder.

Ironhide: OW! Whudja do that for, Prime?

Prime: Oh, shit…mixed him up with Brawn.

Megatron: Here, I’ll help.

Megs transforms into his gun mode. Prime catches him.

Ironhide: NOOOOOOOOOO!! (grabs Prime’s leg)

Prime: Such heroic nonsense.

Prime shoots Ironhide. Ironhide dies.

Prime: Sorry, Sparkplug. (puts him on the floor. Sparkplug starts to convulse)

Sparkplug: Petro-gerbils…

Sparkplug dies.

Prime: What the…

Starscream: Heh, I thought I didn’t remove all of those petro-gerbils…

All: …

Starscream: WHAT???!

Half the ensemble blows their heads off.

Huffer: Eesh.

Bluestreak: Now what?

Skywarp: Take it, Soundwave.

Soundwave: GRUMBLE All right, all right…PUSH, YOU SKANK!

Starscream: NNNNNNNNGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

A flood of skeletonized petro-gerbils fly out, hitting Soundwave in the face.

Soundwave: God almighty!!!

Everybody vomits. Thundercracker goes into an epileptic seizure.

Brawn: The FUCK??!!

Prime with vomit leaking out of his faceplate: Soundwave, you need a towel?

Soundwave with vomit leaking out of his faceplate: Please…

Bonecrusher: Ick.

Scavenger: Come on, Starscream, it’s about time for The Osbournes. Have the damn kid already, will ya?

Starscream: Oh, sure, I can just push this brat out whenever I fucking feel like it, I‘m just wasting everyone‘s time here…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Starscream pushes the brat out. Ozzy Osbourne catches it and bites its legs off.

Prime: It’s a prick!

Soundwave hold up the kid. It’s a seeker jet with Megatron’s fusion cannon and helmet.

All: GASP!!

Cliffjumper: Megatron’s the father?

Megatron: Alas…it’s true. I was giving Starscream one of my patented back adjusters…

Bombshell: What back adjusters? you’ve never given one to any of us!

Starscream: Oh, they feel so good. Megatron gets behind you and cracks your back while he puts his rigid…OW!

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prowl: OK, enough of that! Whatcha gonna name the kid?

Starscream: I don’t know.

Prime: DAMN!

Dirge: WHAT?

Thrust: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Skywarp: HUH?

Bumblebee: WHAT WAS THAT?

Starscream: Megascream it is!

Megatron: HUH?

Soundwave: WHAT?

Laserbeak: CAW!

Subtitle: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Starscream: AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH!!!

Megatron: What NOW?!

Hook runs a scan on Starscream.

Hook: There’s another baby in there!

All: GASP!

Sideswipe: No way!

Hook: Way!

Starscream: Oh, shit, here he comes! AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!

*pop*

The other baby flies out and circles around the room. He has Skyfire’s F-15 form with Starscream’s colors.

Soundwave: That’s Skyfire’s kid?!

The baby crashes into an iceberg.

Prime: Yup, that’s Skyfire’s kid, all right.

Megatron: Starscream, you filthy slut!

Starscream: Heh-heh…oh shit.

Megatron: You know what I do to filthy sluts?

All: WHAT?!

Megatron: THIS! (jumps on the bed and humps Starscream) Say my name, bitch! SAY MY NAME!

Starscream: OH, MEGATRON!

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!

Soundwave: Reflector, you getting the photos?

Reflector: BLLEEEAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

A short while later…

Bumblebee: *YAWN* Not that it’s that important, what are you gonna name this one?

Starscream: Uh…Biff!

Skyfire: Biff?!

Thundercracker: Catchy!

Skyfire: Don’t I get a say in this?

Prime: No. Now shut up and load us up. We gotta go to Peru on a mission.

Skyfire: *SOB* I wanna be with my baby!

Prime: No!

Jazz: I tallied up your bills, Starscream. Here you go.

Starscream: HUH?! TWENTY GRAND! I was only here for an hour!

Prime: But you inadvertently killed Sparkplug and drove half of our forces to suicide.

Gears: Not to mention using my loofah!

Starscream: *SIGH* It‘s on my HMO! Come on, brats! (Drags the kids out of there.)

Bluestreak: That was too weird.

Prowl: Really. Imagine Starscream a parent? SHUDDER

Trailbreaker: What else can happen today?

Hot Rod: Now that you mention it…GROAN! I’m having a baby!

Ultra Magnus: I know we’re a little early, but can you deal with this now?

All: OH, BROTHER!

THE END!